Seeking advice from spouses of recovering addicts

Old 08-22-2015, 02:56 PM
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Seeking advice from spouses of recovering addicts

Ive never posted anything private online before. It would take pretty extreme circumstances to convince me to do so. Im just looking for feedback from those in similar circumstances. I recently divorced my addict husband while he was in rehab and moved to another state, all within the same week. He claims to have undergone a tremendous spiritual awakening in rehab, and I do see changes, but I can't look at him without questioning if every word out of his mouth is a manipulative lie. Now he is leaving recovery early because he "doesn't need the sober house anymore." He is off to pursue a music career with old unhealthy friends in an unhealthy environment full of triggers. Old habits die hard, and Im having a hard time with coping with all of these changes. I feel alone even when Im with friends. I feel sorry for myself nonstop, but I don't want to. Im in counseling, going to alanon, doing all the "right" things. But Im so angry and hurt by all of the lies, and the cheating, and his minimization of me and my feelings. I have completely cut off contact with him at this point. I can't stand hearing how amazing his life is now. This is the word he uses regularly. Amazing. I don't feel amazing. When I triednto share my feelings with him, he told me to work the 12 steps of alanon and get a sponsor, and only then will I feel as good as he does. Never an apology, no amends have been made. It's like the turmoil that his addiction caused me is irrelevant and insignificant. I paid tens of thousands for his rehab to save his life. I succeeded. Then I willingly moved away to free myself from any further bondage of his dysfunction. So why do I feel so sad and angry that I am getting what I asked for? How do I stop begrudging him his recovery and focus on my own? It's a mixture of love, hate, regret, loss, grief that I can't even describe. I miss my best friend, but I despise him at the same time. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience. If so, please share. Im feeling pretty alone in all of this.
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Old 08-23-2015, 08:10 PM
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I feel very similarly to you and mine are blood relatives. Neither one of them is seemingly grateful. I do have a problem with this. I have been waiting YEARS to express my feelings, because they are perpetually in early recovery and aren't in a place to hear me - it is never a reciprocal relationship - just always all about them. In fact, in rehab the family program teaches this and focuses ONLY on the addict/alcoholic. I was told to mortgage my house as many times as necessary to finance their rehab.

I am full of resentment right now, so for that reason, detachment is the healthiest thing - I am also writing them very brief letters - expressing a fraction of my feelings in a very PC way (not really how I feel, which would be too much for them to handle and would backfire in any case, because it's all about them 24/7).

I hope you get some helpful responses. I can just commiserate, which is not that helpful
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Old 08-24-2015, 07:15 PM
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As they say, misery loves company . Thanks for sharing with me. My experience at the family program was vastly different. They really pushed cutting off the addict to save yourself. There were families there that were incredibly enmeshed, with the addict being just a kid, and the advice was always the same. Run like hell, shut the door in their face, do not allow yourself to be used or manipulated at any cost. Even if they are homeless and have to finance their own recovery after a relapse. The woman that headed up the program was the mother and ex wife of addicts, and she was brilliant in the field. I trust her advice, and was so moved by it I filed for divorce a week after finishing the program. Not to oversimplify it, because these are very complicated situations and emotions, but maybe it should be simplified. Put simply, save yourself. It doesn't mean we don't love them. Suffering their abuse time after time isn't love either. I guess they can still abuse us, even in recovery, if we allow it.
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Old 08-24-2015, 08:04 PM
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Wow. I am so glad to hear you got different advice. I was starting to think I was crazy. The guy who ran the program I was part of infanticized the addicts/alcoholics and said the family had to step up time and time again, no matter what.

There was no space for us to process our feelings about what Hell we had gone through or to brainstorm the challenges we face. It was really coddling the alcoholic/addict at the Hell with the family.
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