endlesssjourney

Ive never posted anything private online before. It would take pretty extreme circumstances to convince me to do so. Im just looking for feedback from those in similar circumstances. I recently divorced my addict husband while he was in rehab and moved to another state, all within the same week. He claims to have undergone a tremendous spiritual awakening in rehab, and I do see changes, but I can't look at him without questioning if every word out of his mouth is a manipulative lie. Now he is leaving recovery early because he "doesn't need the sober house anymore." He is off to pursue a music career with old unhealthy friends in an unhealthy environment full of triggers. Old habits die hard, and Im having a hard time with coping with all of these changes. I feel alone even when Im with friends. I feel sorry for myself nonstop, but I don't want to. Im in counseling, going to alanon, doing all the "right" things. But Im so angry and hurt by all of the lies, and the cheating, and his minimization of me and my feelings. I have completely cut off contact with him at this point. I can't stand hearing how amazing his life is now. This is the word he uses regularly. Amazing. I don't feel amazing. When I triednto share my feelings with him, he told me to work the 12 steps of alanon and get a sponsor, and only then will I feel as good as he does. Never an apology, no amends have been made. It's like the turmoil that his addiction caused me is irrelevant and insignificant. I paid tens of thousands for his rehab to save his life. I succeeded. Then I willingly moved away to free myself from any further bondage of his dysfunction. So why do I feel so sad and angry that I am getting what I asked for? How do I stop begrudging him his recovery and focus on my own? It's a mixture of love, hate, regret, loss, grief that I can't even describe. I miss my best friend, but I despise him at the same time. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience. If so, please share. Im feeling pretty alone in all of this.

CodeJob

How long, endless, have you been dealing with him? It takes time for all of it to drain away and let you pick a new level of calm.

You paid the $ and sent him somewhere nice, but sure enough he's falling backwards. You are absolutely in the right to go no contact.

As for him acknowledging the heartbreak and disappointment of his failure to be your mate for life - that is not going to happen. He's probably not ever going to thank you for sticking with him or sending him to rehab either.

You are doing many, many things right. Be patient with yourself!

Welcome to SR!

I'm still married. My H is sober 2+ years. He has never really managed to sit down and apologize to me or thank me for sticking or thank for me for kicking him out either (which inadvertently sent him to rehab). When I did my amends to him, he couldn't accept it. I realized for him to accept my amends was impossible as he'd never accepted all the repercussions his alcoholism had on me, our relationship, or our kid. However, he is a very honest, faithful and hard working fellow. Perhaps one day it will all click for him. Perhaps not.

endlesssjourney

Thank you for your response and encouragement. We were married for 5 years. I found out the week he went to rehab that he hid the addiction from me since the day we met. He was high on cocaine on our wedding day. I can't believe I didn't know. I feel traumatized, like I don't trust myself or anyone else. My counselor said that it is equivalent to PTSD what we go through. I am young, in my thirties, and was excited about having a future with him. I feel cheated, and so foolish. He told me in rehab that he wants us to be in each others lives no matter what. I tried to be his friend over the phone for the last few weeks since I have moved, but that was a total failure. I just end up feeling smaller and smaller when he calls to tell me how great his life is now. It feels like a slap in the face, salt in the wound. I'm not sure what I wanted/expected the outcome to be, but this feels harder to deal with than when he was using throughout our marriage. I guess that's the codependent in me coming out, guns blazing. I made so many huge decisions at once, out of desperation and panic to escape the nightmare. And now, the silence is deafening.

JOIE12

hello EJ ... I would hazard a guess that he is still hiding his addiction. His words don't match nor are they the words of someone working a program. Save yourself. Mentally write off the money. I spent more than 160k trying to save someone who didn't wish to and could never be clean. He died doing what he loved most and it wasn't me. There is a rush of adrenalin when drama walks in the door and pure fear when bad stuff happens. I need neither anymore. He will never be able to give you what you wish for. Search for those things in yourself.

AnvilheadII

Now he is leaving recovery early because he "doesn't need the sober house anymore."

there ya go.

rehab doesn't FIX or CURE people nor does it miraculously change them into nice, humble, contrite individuals. he was lying and putting up a false front from day one, i doubt that trait has changed, it sure doesnt sound like it. please don't be deluded into thinking he's turned into some modern day Gandhi.

no contact is really one our best tools. otherwise we are just picking the scab off the wound over and over. keep up with your program/therapy and day by day inch by inch you will heal and get better.

endlesssjourney

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It means a lot that there are people that have been through the same (or worse). In AA there is a lot of talk about "normies." I feel like we have our own version of that. It's easy for the mind to fall into self pity and to feel ostracized from your peers when you are on the receiving end of an addiction. But it's comforting to receive words of wisdom from those who have been in similar shoes. Im in the anger phase now, and I'm trying to use that as a shield to protect me from any further injury by him. I got word through his brother that he is happier than ever, and that things just keep getting better and better for him every day. He seems completely unaffected by our divorce and by my permanent absence. It really hurts deeply, like real physical pain. I feel used and thrown to the side, and I wonder if my whole marriage was a lie. Maybe it's all in my head, who knows? Its hard not to make assumptions. I want to get to a place where I am happy either way, and I know that won't happen overnight. The lack of awareness and expressed gratitude is unbelievable. I don't think I'll ever understand it, so I shouldn't waste any more time even trying.

mnh1982

There is one and only one piece of advice I can give you:

There is no such thing as "recovered". There is and always should only be "recovering".

Anyone who tells you they "don't need" recovery tools, resources or outlets is a mother-effing liar, and that person will continue to slide back, slip up and even relapse.

You are going to hurt, and you are going to feel used-you have BEEN hurt, and you are being used, for emotional support and ego-stroking by your husband. The more he knows that you want or need him in your life, the more he's going to exhibit this egotistical, manipulative behavior.

He likely is unaffected by your divorce insomuch as he cannot care about anyone or anything more than he cares about himself.

I would doubt that he truly IS "happier than ever", but in order to get to you, because he knows it will, that's what he's going to say himself and spread around to others.

It's time for you to do you, the same way he's doing him.
In time, you'll both end up where you've put yourselves.

ShootingStar1

From my experience leaving my then alcoholic husband of 20 years, after three years, what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

You had hopes, dreams, you invested yourself in your future with him. That is a lot of emotional energy in him and in your marriage. It just plain hurts when we lose all of that. It is okay to feel everything you write about. He DID betray you in a profound way, and that hurts.

He may have been at one time the place that you put your hopes and dreams and plans for the future, but he isn't anymore. That, for me, was what the time after my divorce was - divesting myself of all those plans and expectations.

The divorce is a piece of paper signifying the dissolution of a legal bond. Your physical move away from him and no contact is the dissolution of him being literally in your life each day.

But the heart takes its own time to dissolve its bond with our former partners. It is okay to take as long as you need. It is healing to feel every feeling you feel, and as time goes on, they will come less frequently, and more often you will begin to live in a place of piece.

It is early days for you; have hope and belief in yourself. We'll be here with you. If you can go to alanon or the drug equivalent, it will help. Counseling with some one who understands addiction is worth a lot.

If you haven't read the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, it is a classic in understanding how our relationships with someone else's addictions have changed us. When we begin to understand that, we find where our psyches are caught in the cycle of addiction, and we can begin to free ourselves.

For me, this past three years since I left my abusive alcoholic husband have been a passage toward my own emotional health, and it is a freeing passage, sometimes very difficult, but ultimately joyful.

I wish that for you, and you'll find lots of support here on SR.

ShootingStar1

atalose

No contact also needs to include hearing things about him from 3rd parties otherwise you haven’t really gone no contact. For as long as we continue to investigate information about them we haven’t really cut those ties and are very much still engaged with the madness harming ourselves and only ourselves.


Given the facts you already know:

He’s been a liar all along.

He’s decided to put his recovery back into his own hands doing it his way – not what he’s supposed to be doing remaining in a sober living house.

He’s headed back to play on his old playground with his old friends.
He has no remorse or sorry.

So given these FACTS why are you buying into his grandiose sales pitch of him being so happy?

In my experience when addicts leave a program early and are claiming to be do dam happy it's because they are ------------using again!!!!