Am I wrong??

Old 08-22-2015, 06:53 AM
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Am I wrong??

I got on here because I so desperately need experienced advice. My boyfriend I believe is an alcoholic. He comes home from work and can clear a pint of vodka, two twisted tea cans and a couple shots of mini shot bottles in about 4 hours max. Usually it is more like a half handle 6 days a week. And thats just what I see happening. I am constantly finding him passed out of the couch, the floor trying to make it to bed, the toilet, kitchen floor etc. I carry him to bed because I cant help but be nice. Or I find him crying drunk in the shower, laying having panic attacks often. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to check on him and I get blasted with hurtful words about how I dont care, having nothing in common (pretty much because I dont drink because that the only thing he comes up with when I say what is it we don't have in common) or how I am always trying to change him. Mind you he does know i am not a fan of having him get drunk daily because I would like to have nice evenings at dinner or watching a movie, not watching him drink shots after shots. Yet I feel like the crazy one for wanting that!

So my question is....is this all too much? That amount of alcohol on a daily basis in that short of time, seems so unhealthy and dangerous. Not to mention the ugly comments or embarassing dinners with friends where he picks fights. When I try to express my feelings and cry because I want a fullfilling relationship he says maybe I should drink or that I dont have to stay or what do i want him to say. It sucks because when he is not so drunk or first wakes up sober, he is amazing, loving, he takes care of me and protects me, supports me etc. But i know all that isnt really enough to take the mean things and watching him drink away his life, and get the shakes if he doesn't drink. I just need to know some opinions on others of the situation. I wish he would get help, but he is in denial and I know it is his decision. I don't know how to help him, I love him but the verbal abuse isnt something someonr should take just because they love and want to see the best for someone..right? See, I am clearly in trouble and questioning myself!! Help!!
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Old 08-22-2015, 07:32 AM
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Hi dorothytx! Welcome. Your situation and the way your alcoholic behaves sounds like mine, and many others here. His behaviour is textbook alcoholic...and only he is able to make the choice to get sober and stay sober. Unfortunately, nothing you do can affect that.

Walking away might open his eyes - but this should be about you & your well-being, not his. I walked away in June - after admitting I was powerless over his drinking and deciding that I could no longer accept the abusive treatment. He had an obsession with my phone all of the time, and who I was with, where I would go, etc. it was insane.

You know the answer to your question! You certainly deserve to be with someone who can take care of your emotional and physical needs more than a few moments here & there. There are other men out there who don't drink, don't abuse their partners, and won't act like jackarses in front of your friends and family. Your resentment will grow, and it will spill into other aspects of your life. It's quite amazing how they hook us in & make us shoulder all of the guilt. Bottom line - it's not going to get better. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it & you can't control it. Come here, post often when you need support & this amazing group will be there for you!!!
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Old 08-22-2015, 07:34 AM
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Hi, dorothy,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It doesn't sound as if he has any interest in quitting drinking, and as bad as this is, it will only get worse. It sounds as if you've got (at most) a couple of hours a day of "amazing, loving, supporting, protecting" and the rest of the time is drunk, obnoxious, and abusive. Doesn't sound like much of a "deal" for you.

I know you love him, but this situation is eating away at you, and YOU are the only one who can stop it. What you see right now is the best he will EVER be, unless and until he works hard at recovery (which doesn't seem imminent). Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

I'd suggest you start going to Al-Anon and get your head clear so you can make some good choices for yourself and your future. And please be SURE you are practicing good birth control--everything becomes monumentally more complicated if you share children with an alcoholic.
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Old 08-22-2015, 01:46 PM
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Welcome, dorothy!
It has already been said....but, I will say it again...You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't cure it. That is known as the 3 Cs.

Love isn't enough to fix it, either. If it was...none of us would be on this forum...lol.
He has an illness that only he can deal with. He needs to be in treatment and will have to work very hard to do that.
Actually, if he shakes when he isn't drinking....he will need to be detoxified under supervision in order to quit without going into serious withdrawl...like DTs and withdrawl seizures, etc.

You are not wrong.....and, this environment amounts to abuse. Living in abuse will not help you or him.

If he is unwilling to get help and really work on recovering....then, it may be best for you to get away from the situation. You may have to care from afar.

Are you totally dependent on his income for support?

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Old 08-22-2015, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by dorothytx View Post
It sucks because when he is not so drunk or first wakes up sober, he is amazing, loving, he takes care of me and protects me, supports me etc.
As I've come to learn, literally every single person who has ever been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic has said or thought this more than once. I think we tell this to ourselves and our peers in an attempt to convince ourselves that the abuse we've suffered is worth going through because our abusers are great people when they aren't abusing us.

It's kinda like if Tina Turner were to say, "You know, Ike is so good to me when he's not beating me."

Unfortunately, the good *and* the bad are what make a person who they are, and if the bad isn't acceptable then no amount of good makes it worth enduring.
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