allalone78

I have been with my fiance now for almost four years. About a year and a half in he started drinking, heavily. He drinks daily and drinks about a gallon of whiskey a day. He is a very mean drunk. He is a wonderful guy but when he drinks all of that changes. He is in denial and blames me for everything. It's always something I've said or done but my heart won't let me leave. he has lost just about everyone because no one can be around him. He yells calls names and says really hurtful things. He tells me if I handled it differently it wouldn't be so hard. But i just feel like I'v everything. He honestly thinks I would be nothing without him.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, allalone--as you can see, you're not REALLY "all alone", since there's this whole huge forum of people who've been where you are right now. It's a good thing you've found us here, as there is a lot of experience and wisdom shared on these pages.

To start with, I'd recommend you read around the forum as much as you can. I think you'll recognize your same situation in many of the posts. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. Educating yourself about alcoholism and alcoholics will be an important first step in figuring out what you want to do.

I'd also strongly suggest looking into Alanon; Alanon is a great resource for education and face-to-face support.

Everyone here "gets it" about your situation. While you do NOT have the power to change your fiance or his drinking, you most definitely DO have the power to change your own life. Reading and posting here will help you learn how you can do that. You'll find a lot of understanding and support, both here and at Alanon.

Wishing you clarity and strength as you start your journey.

CodeJob

Hello AllAlone,

Friday night and you aren't alone at all... Welcome to SR!

Nearly every first partner of an addict mentions the Jekyl and Hyde personality of their loved one in their first post. It about breaks your heart and has you walking on egg shells.

So what do you want to do?

LadyinBC

I am sorry you are going thru this. As an alcoholic I am telling you to run as fast as you can from this person. Alcoholism is progressive and normally get worst. Especially if he is violent.

Get a plan together to get yourself out of this.

You are not to blame and you can't fix us. Only I have the power to fix myself.

As I say to a lot of the newbies. Find someone who will treat you like gold and treasure you. Never, ever, settle for anything less than that. You deserve the best. Always remember that.

FeelingGreat

Hi Alone, I'm sorry you're going through this. Your ABF is abusive, and you don't have to stay around to be on the receiving end.
It's very common for alcoholics who are in denial to deflect blame from themselves to their partners, or anyone else in the vicinity. Just because he needs to blame you doesn't mean you have to accept blame.
You can't change him or stop him drinking; all you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Control your own actions.

BlackSabbath

Sometimes, the only way to "handle it" is by letting go. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic/ addict. Let me tell you, they're all wonderful when they're not drinking! I love my ex dearly, despite the horrible things he's done to me. Can you imagine coming home from work and finding everything you owned burned to ashes because he was upset I went to work?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you don't deserve the abuse - regardless if it's drunken behaviour or just his true colours showing. Think long and hard about whether or not you want to marry this man. It's less complicated to leave now before marriage and kids - find peace and happiness in your life because you know you're worth it! I'm on my own with two tiny kids who's father would rather drink up & find some other poor girl who will dote on him & take the abuse than see his own kids.

I've been searching for the past three years to figure out how I can have a fulfilling relationship with the man I'm crazy about. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out how we can live together in peace. There is no answer, because it's not possible. It's a take & give relationship - he will take everything you've got to give then suck the rest of the emotions out of you. Abuse is NEVER ok! I know my ex won't stop drinking, and that's not for me to "learn how to deal with". He is unable to give me the life I deserve - I see glimpses that keep me hooked, but I've finally realized that hurt people hurt people, and NOT ONE DAMN THING I DO will change his behaviour.

It's 2015. Women aren't "stuck" with alcoholics - it's a choice they make. You can choose peace & happiness, or you can choose a wicked ride on a very dangerous roller coaster. Thinking of you & hope you find clarity here!