peanut44

Day 26. I'm just not far enough along to have the coping skills I need to deal with this crap with my husbands job. I've had violence, angry, sarcasm, rude as a wonderful array of emotions to deal with since it started.

Now I find out tonight that I'm not being supportive enough? Really?? I've been listening to him complain about this woman boss of his for 2 years and I've always been on his side and tried to help. How did I become the bad guy?

The void that was left by the removal of the suboxone is so far filled with nothing, emptiness.

Coldfusion

26 days is awesome, Peanut! I actively worked on my recovery, posting support for others here at SR and going to meetings. I found a sponsor and worked the steps. A lot of it was uncomfortable and not what I wanted to do at the time, but I saw others at meetings who were happy in their sobriety and that was what I wanted.

Congratulations on 500 posts!

Dee74

Hi peanut

I'd really look at things in a different way - you and your husband are under a great deal of stress - and you're getting through it, clean and sober...

when all this malarkey is over and done with (and it will be) the feeling of accomplishment and self satisfaction you will feel for not resorting to subs - that will be *real* fulfilment - not the empty chemical crap kind we got from our drugs of choice.

stay strong

D

Leslie36

I just want to know.... I would drink 6-7 about two times a month, and 2-3 3xs a week just wine and beer. I'm on day six sober. I'm experiencing pins needles a little itching! I'm freaking out i have something wrong with me !!! I live alone soim scared and I can't sleep!!!

Tooshabby

Oh peanut, I really feel for you. You are coping so well. Day 26?! And under stress?! You have every right to feel fantastic about yourself. I suspect your husband does appreciate how supportive you've been. I hope so. Can you talk about it with him?

Mags1

Hi peanut, it's always our nearest who gets our bluntness, I'm sure your husband depends on you by his side right now, sometimes they speak before they think. You've been a brilliant support. Give it time.

26 days is brilliant.

Dee74

Hi leslie

just so you know, you'll generally get more response by starting your own thread

a little pins and needles & itching is actually fairly common, but none of us are Drs...if you're really worried why not see a medical professional?

D

peanut44

I called in sick today and my asst is covering for me.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. What we are going thru is something I've only seen on television or heard about happening to others. I feel stifled. It's hard to explain, like i need to break free. Like unzip my skin and run the hell away.

I know I'm getting thru this sober but it doesn't mean a whole lot right now. My husband tells me, well, you're the one bringing it up. Heck yeah, I'm bringing it up! This is about our livelihood and his reputation and i want to know what the hell if any thing is going to be done. I mean, so far, everyone is working except for him.
I'm starting to wonder if this crazy bitch is actually going to get away with it......

I just never thought I'd be going thru this at this point in life.

DitzyDandelion

I feel that way from time to time. For me it's always popped up though its not new.

Berrybean

...I feel stifled. It's hard to explain, like i need to break free. Like unzip my skin and run the hell away. ..

That's full blown proper fear. I remember that after avoiding it for any sustained period for years by self-medicating through alcohol it came as a bit of a shock when I felt its full force.

...My husband tells me, well, you're the one bringing it up. ..

Maybe he just needs to work this out his way. (It is his job after all, and being supportive doesn't always mean taking control and trying to fix things for people).

It's quite a normal instinct that we have to try to take back control any way we can when we're fearful. Especially when there is some resentment chucked in for good measure. It sounds like you've got a good man there - maybe trust him to try to work things out his way. It doesn't sound like rushing things towards a conclusion is going to be beneficial at the moment anyway. If she's as crazy as you think she is, she's likely to just get more crazy if she feels threatened.

Really do hope things turn out okay for you both x

peanut44

Thank you Beccybean.

I supposed I am scared. I don't have any control of what the future holds and I HATE being in the dark.

I've no appetite, and am just sleeping alot. Everyone at work is noticing it. I wear my feelings out in the open, can't help it, always been that way.

I just don't know what to do. I'll go to work tomorrow and that's about it.

trachemys

Some days all we can do do is keep slogging forward. Life is like that. When we self-medicated we didn't notice.

Dee74

Stuff like this - where we have no choice but to endure stuff until someone else finds a solution is where recoveries are tested.

as an observer and I hope sober cyber-friend, it means a lot to me

D

Anna

Peanut, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you and your husband find a solution to the stress and worry.

Berrybean

This is the kind of situation that I really have to meditate on the serenity prayer for.

All you can do at the moment is accept that things will take a while to sort out. Accept your husband is a good man. A man you can trust, and that you can let him handle this and he'll ask for you to help in whatever way is needed when it happens.

The courage to change the things you can part. That's always tricky. I suppose in this case it could be to push past your emotions (you know what - they lie to us half the time any way!) and focus on your recovery and on doing your job to the best of your ability. If you can keep it together so your husband can talk things over with you without him having to worry where the conversation will go if he does, that will be a big help to him. He's probably really scared as well.

when I'm stressed, I still really rely on the HALT checklist
Hungry (try to eat healthily - esp if you're not eating MUCH. Make sure your body is getting what it needs. The temptation is to just nibble on junk when we're not hungry but you getting ill will not help the situation or your recovery).
Angry (often I listen to some of the fantastic speaker tapes or read up on Justified Resentments. I remind myself that yes, I have every 'right' to be angry. But I've got every 'right' to pick up dog mess from the street and eat it. Both are toxic. We tend to feel that being angry means we're taking control, and the anger makes us feel strong. I used to cling on to a big wave of anger like a life-raft that could carry me through a situation. I've anger-surfed over so much. But that's one of those times when our feelings lie to us. Anger weakens us in every way, and distracts us from finding answers to things. Resentments really, really are poison.
Lonely (you have a strong ally in this - your relationship with your husband sounds enviable. Stick together and don't let it cause arguments between you. Your ego might rankle when he chooses a different way to do things than you might, but it's ultimately his call)
Tired (it's great you're resting well Peanut).


Hope you can enjoy your weekend together. Take care of yourself Peanut x

peanut44

I feel stupid posting that I'm still feeling awful. I'm smarter than this. It's like I'm so bull headed that I just have to beat myself to death before I get it.

The BS is still going on. I'm miserable. I tried to call in sick today but nobody to cover me so I went in and made it till about 2 and left crying. Can't wait on customers like that.

Come home and me and husband fight. I shouldn't be so upset, it's his problem, or, I think you're using this as an excuse to get suboxone again. Really?? How about I'm pissed to no end because nothing is happening, everyone is dragging their feet.

Truth be told, yeah I wish I did have a pill to make this go away because I can't stand it anymore. I would've waited on the taper a little longer had I had any idea that this was coming. At least with suboxone, I could sleep, had a little energy to get thru the day, was in less physical pain and I had no cravings.

Now I'm going thru all that crap plus this surreal stuff on top. I'm panicked to the max, overwhelmed.

Dee74

I'm sorry it's still going on too, Peanut.

Please don't romantize the past tho - you quit - and went through a l-ooo-oo-nnn-g taper - for a reason.

Have you thought about seeing your Dr- not for meds necessarily, but maybe some counselling could help?

There will be an end to this - lean on us all you need.

peanut44

Thank you Dee, you da man!
I forgot about the long taper. I have some ativan and I'm sure this is the last prescription of that. My anxiety is thru the roof.

My doc did mention a counselor. Now my husband has me second guessing myself. Am I over reacting, not reacting like I should, he compares it to how he would take care of me if it were turned around and of course he's always the good guy.

I have to wait till Monday to call anyone. I almost drove myself to the ER psych ward earlier as I think sometimes I'm losing it. I'm afraid of what would happen.

Dee74

I think a counsellor might be beneficial - sometimes an outside perspective can help?

I guarantee noones going to lock you up - unless you want them to as a break, lol

D

Holds1325

I went through this the week before last and it was HORRIBLE!!!!

The going to work or not bit, the stress, the spousal fighting, I almost gave up and drank. Its interesting what you say about psych ward ER because I almost did that twice.

It did get better though and it will, counseling helps alot,

oh and whats also interesting is I was on attivan too