My exA contacted me for the first time

Old 08-20-2015, 02:54 PM
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My exA contacted me for the first time

So me exA contacted me for the first time since he left 3 months ago one night out of blue. He moved out immediately and I was not there for it. We had some exchange the week after and I sent him one email and he responded briefly confirming he relapsed (had to figure that out on my own). I've posted a few times talking about my struggle with pain and the anger. He constantly relapsed and hid it from me and was in and out of recovery for the entire two years we were together until he left.

I know we can't post other people's emails but the summary of his email was: started off saying there is so much that we wants to tell me and that he knows I must hate him (the one time I reached out to him was to tell him he 'disgusted me', yes I went for the jugular). Then he just starts talking about himself. How hard and painful it has been for him but that he's finally getting back on his feet and saved up enough for an apt. That he's working and training hard for his next fight (he's an athlete) and that he feels he's growing. More about how this is the most painful thing he's ever been through (and he's been through some terrible ****) and knowing that I am angry at him makes it all so much harder Tells me I'm his best friend still and that he only wants me to be happy and have an amazing life that I deserve. Has the nerve to ask for a few things that he had left (I know he was using this as the excuse to reach out). And then he told me he loved me.

I was so sad and angry about all of this. Also, I think he may have been drunk because the punctuation and spelling was horrible and he sent it at 3:30am I wrote him back a VERY cold email that said:
"This entire email is just like our relationship... All about you. You're a narcissist.

You have no idea the pain that I have been going through. Literally thank god for therapy, friends, my parents and the kind people at Alanon.

You say you'd be there for me and you're my best friend? Then where where you for the last year? You have always been full of words but not actions. I've learned action is everything. You let something so special and amazing become the saddest pain.

I fought for you so hard, and loved you so much and you walked away. You can't even imagine that pain.

I donated everything to charity that had anything to do with you. TVs, the bed, your bike ect.

I don't want to know anything about your training, fights, your apt in weho or your "growth".

You have some god damn nerve.

Please stay as far away from me as humanly possible."

So here's the thing. I still love him very much. We had such a big deep love, and were such good friends that hardly fought. Clearly I wanted to hurt him a bit with my response and for him to understand the weight of what had happened and also I'm still really angry. He still took no accountability in his email and I know he was writing it to make himself feel less guilt after I told him he disgusted me. There has never been a real appology. Also I'm pretty sure he's not in recovery (he checked into outpatient rehab 2 weeks before we broke up and only lasted a week). I was always so nice, warm and loving and treated him so preciously. He has never had anyone say no to him. All his friends, family (except his mom) and trainers always take him back after he stumbles.

I'm having such a hard time because even though I responded the way I did, the other part of me wants to tell him it's ok and that I love him and I feel bad for him because of his addiction. He lost me - the closest thing he ever had to having a family and for sure the biggest love he's ever had because of it.

It's all just so confusing and hard. I hate addiction so much. The fact that two people can love eachother so much and can't be together because of it.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've pretty clearly said my peace and the way that I feel for now. I just miss him a lot and I know he's suffering too. We never had a very clear honest discussion about what happened and part of me really wants to have that in person, but I am so scared it will set me back.

I've been in therapy and Alanon and have thrown myself into work and travel. Everyone says I'm doing great but it's all just so hard. I'm sorry for the lengthy all over the place post.

Of course I would appreciate any input or advice. Xo
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Old 08-20-2015, 03:12 PM
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you said your piece. now get some PEACE and let this go. you can love him, from afar.
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Old 08-20-2015, 03:20 PM
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One of the hardest things for me has been the concept of "detaching with love." When I first read "Co-Dependent No More" it was a big breakthrough for me to realize that I could be kind and loving to someone WHILE detaching from them. It's a difficult balancing act, but it helped me to practice loving detachment because it alleviated the guilt I felt about detaching, whereas detaching in anger always left me feeling guilty, which in turn kept me hooked into the relationship.
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Old 08-20-2015, 03:33 PM
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Just (((HUGS)))

You know what's right. You know talking with him or meeting would not give you closure (if he was long recovered - maybe). You know he has the ability to suck you back in. Keep working on you. One day - you'll just respond "be well." And you'll mean it. And you'll never reply again.

You are doing just fine.
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