Is everything I do wrong?
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Is everything I do wrong?
My mom has always had this way of "suggesting" how to do things after I tell her what I do. It feels as she is always trying to correct me, in every little thing I do or say, and if I try to disengage from this, she gets mad at me. Am I being immature?
I don't want to be like my alcoholic dad. She makes me feel that I am like him...
I don't want to be like my alcoholic dad. She makes me feel that I am like him...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I understand this very well. I have already explained to her in an loving way how it makes me feel. Now when she does it I just do not engage. I ignore her and let her either (a) do it herself and I take a breather or (b) walk away. I know this is her personality and I know what to expect from her.
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It's not you, trust me. My mom was (and sometimes still is) the exact same way, even though she left my alcoholic dad almost 30 years ago. She is always trying to be "helpful", making suggestions, dropping hints, telling me how SHE would do something if it were her, but of course it's MY life and MY decision.
I've learned to detach a lot from her behavior through my own Alanon program. The thing about long-term, deeply ingrained codependent behavior is that is spills over into every relationship, not just the one between the codie and the alcoholic. My mom doesn't realize she's controlling. She's genuinely just trying to be helpful. Interacting with her has made me much more aware of those behaviors that I learned from growing up with her. I frequently find myself biting my tongue so I don't start spouting unsolicited "helpful" advice, especially to my own kids, lol.
Take care of you. Your mom's feelings are her responsibility. You are finding your own way in life. That's hard for any mom to deal with, and when you have a codependent mom it makes the growing process much more difficult. I've learned to love my mom where she's at and detach from her emotional reactions. I know it's not easy, especially when you live with her. Take care.
I've learned to detach a lot from her behavior through my own Alanon program. The thing about long-term, deeply ingrained codependent behavior is that is spills over into every relationship, not just the one between the codie and the alcoholic. My mom doesn't realize she's controlling. She's genuinely just trying to be helpful. Interacting with her has made me much more aware of those behaviors that I learned from growing up with her. I frequently find myself biting my tongue so I don't start spouting unsolicited "helpful" advice, especially to my own kids, lol.
Take care of you. Your mom's feelings are her responsibility. You are finding your own way in life. That's hard for any mom to deal with, and when you have a codependent mom it makes the growing process much more difficult. I've learned to love my mom where she's at and detach from her emotional reactions. I know it's not easy, especially when you live with her. Take care.
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I have already tried to explain her. I had a talk with her actually, just two days ago, and I told her that this is a time in my life where I am really working on myself, and that I need to have a better sense of who I am and why should I be proud of myself, and all she does is keep on telling me everything I do wrong...
She won't let me go because she feels that if I do, it is disrespecting, so I listen to everything she has to say even if I don't want to.
She won't let me go because she feels that if I do, it is disrespecting, so I listen to everything she has to say even if I don't want to.
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Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
I have already tried to explain her. I had a talk with her actually, just two days ago, and I told her that this is a time in my life where I am really working on myself, and that I need to have a better sense of who I am and why should I be proud of myself, and all she does is keep on telling me everything I do wrong...
She won't let me go because she feels that if I do, it is disrespecting, so I listen to everything she has to say even if I don't want to.
She won't let me go because she feels that if I do, it is disrespecting, so I listen to everything she has to say even if I don't want to.
One of the most challenging pieces of recovery for me has been for me to realize that I am not responsible for another person's feelings or reactions. I spent a lot of time previously trying to "talk" about things in a way that would not upset someone else.
When they were upset I figured I had done "it" wrong. It never occurred to me that someone else's reaction was there.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. It sounds like you have already done that with her. No change from her. When you are ready you can change your behavior towards her. I had to learn to give myself permission to not stay in conversations that were not working for me. Was it disrespectful to leave to another person? Maybe. Was it disrespecting myself to stay in those conversations, absolutely.
It was really scary but I needed to do this to see how I had taught people to treat me. I did not do it overnight, and I am still far from perfect at it, but it has gotten better and I feel better.
You have talked to her about your concerns, step one. The next step will appear when you are ready. Congrats for even acknowleding what a challenge this is for you.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Timetoheal-
One of the most challenging pieces of recovery for me has been for me to realize that I am not responsible for another person's feelings or reactions. I spent a lot of time previously trying to "talk" about things in a way that would not upset someone else.
When they were upset I figured I had done "it" wrong. It never occurred to me that someone else's reaction was there.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. It sounds like you have already done that with her. No change from her. When you are ready you can change your behavior towards her. I had to learn to give myself permission to not stay in conversations that were not working for me. Was it disrespectful to leave to another person? Maybe. Was it disrespecting myself to stay in those conversations, absolutely.
It was really scary but I needed to do this to see how I had taught people to treat me. I did not do it overnight, and I am still far from perfect at it, but it has gotten better and I feel better.
You have talked to her about your concerns, step one. The next step will appear when you are ready. Congrats for even acknowleding what a challenge this is for you.
One of the most challenging pieces of recovery for me has been for me to realize that I am not responsible for another person's feelings or reactions. I spent a lot of time previously trying to "talk" about things in a way that would not upset someone else.
When they were upset I figured I had done "it" wrong. It never occurred to me that someone else's reaction was there.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. It sounds like you have already done that with her. No change from her. When you are ready you can change your behavior towards her. I had to learn to give myself permission to not stay in conversations that were not working for me. Was it disrespectful to leave to another person? Maybe. Was it disrespecting myself to stay in those conversations, absolutely.
It was really scary but I needed to do this to see how I had taught people to treat me. I did not do it overnight, and I am still far from perfect at it, but it has gotten better and I feel better.
You have talked to her about your concerns, step one. The next step will appear when you are ready. Congrats for even acknowleding what a challenge this is for you.
She just keeps coming into my room to correct the last sentence I said.
It is always like this, and I'm honestly tired of it.
I know that she means well, wants my happiness, I really know it, but it really feels as I have to be and talk and react like her.... otherwise I am such an idiot/mean/bad person for not doing it/saying it that way.
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A lot of parents have a very hard time letting go of their kids and allowing them to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. It's not only "co-dependent" parents, either. It's partly wanting to control, partly wanting to protect, and partly not recognizing their children's capabilities.
My best suggestion is to simply say, "Thanks for the suggestion." Once you get out completely on your own, you will have a lot more freedom to do your own thing without constant "help."
Some parents never recognize that their children are adults with a right to live their own lives. With those kinds of parents you may have to set some REALLY FIRM boundaries. But as long as you're living at home, you sort of have to try to get along.
My best suggestion is to simply say, "Thanks for the suggestion." Once you get out completely on your own, you will have a lot more freedom to do your own thing without constant "help."
Some parents never recognize that their children are adults with a right to live their own lives. With those kinds of parents you may have to set some REALLY FIRM boundaries. But as long as you're living at home, you sort of have to try to get along.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
A lot of parents have a very hard time letting go of their kids and allowing them to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. It's not only "co-dependent" parents, either. It's partly wanting to control, partly wanting to protect, and partly not recognizing their children's capabilities.
My best suggestion is to simply say, "Thanks for the suggestion." Once you get out completely on your own, you will have a lot more freedom to do your own thing without constant "help."
Some parents never recognize that their children are adults with a right to live their own lives. With those kinds of parents you may have to set some REALLY FIRM boundaries. But as long as you're living at home, you sort of have to try to get along.
My best suggestion is to simply say, "Thanks for the suggestion." Once you get out completely on your own, you will have a lot more freedom to do your own thing without constant "help."
Some parents never recognize that their children are adults with a right to live their own lives. With those kinds of parents you may have to set some REALLY FIRM boundaries. But as long as you're living at home, you sort of have to try to get along.
Thanks for this, Lexie.
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My mom (acoa) too was always helpful. Lol she has been gone for 5 years and I got her car that I am still driving. It has been giving me issues lately so I say I must not be doing something right and my mom is mad at me. Lol
Yeah I got just put your foot down. I expect too much. I need my head examined. Lol
Now I just say it was just her way. I would not be able to win with her so it was what it was.
Yeah I got just put your foot down. I expect too much. I need my head examined. Lol
Now I just say it was just her way. I would not be able to win with her so it was what it was.
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Update...
She's mad at me for getting mad at her yesterday.
I asked her for some space and she told me she is the one who needs it since I'm so hard to deal with... I agreed.
Now we aren't talking to eaxh other, she isn't even at home right now, I don't know when will she come back. I'm playing (music) and doing homework while I think about this.
I asked her for some space and she told me she is the one who needs it since I'm so hard to deal with... I agreed.
Now we aren't talking to eaxh other, she isn't even at home right now, I don't know when will she come back. I'm playing (music) and doing homework while I think about this.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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TTH, maybe just enjoy the space! People with dysfunctional ways of relating, both alcoholics/addicts and codependents, often overreact when we adjust our boundaries. Think of this as your Mom's version of when your AXBF started sending you stupid messages after you distanced yourself. It sounds like she loves you despite her habit of picking on you. I'm sure she will be back.
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