One year in
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
One year in
I think I probably made my first post here almost exactly a year ago and if not, darn close. RAH is now one year sober (as of Sunday). Our 9 year anniversary was yesterday (2nd sober anniversary spent together).
It appears he has done a lot of growing up over the last year. His temper is all but gone except for the occasional road rage and over politics lol. He said this year has been the best, albeit most difficult, that he feels pretty stable and grounded.
This year for me has by far been the most DEstabilizing and painful ever. This time last year, everything and everyone I thought was real turned out to be everything BUT. I have come to many painful realizations about myself and at times all I can see is the wreckage and wasted potential. I found it hard to trust before but now.........its nearly impossible. I am always asking myself, "what does this person want from me?" in every social interaction. I in turn treat all MY social interactions as business arrangements, nothing more or less. Been having a lot of ptsd flashbacks for the last week. I was helping a patient with a cpap machiene the other night and almost had to leave the room I felt so panicked. I just involuntarily zoomed to one of the many nights I would try to put RAHs cpap on his drunken face, praying not to wake him. Not only was he abusive, I was constantly afraid he would die in his sleep. I've been working with my t about this for a long, LONG time.
On the somewhat gooder part, I've been able to take a lot of risks I would never have before at work. About 7 months in I really hit my stride and felt for once very confident in my practice. They say it takes a new nurse about 3 years and May was 3 years on the.money. I asked my boss to move me to day shift. I was terrified to do this, I as afraid she would be angry or be upset at me or fire me, or a million different reasons I could be afraid for. As of October 18, I will be.moving to days which will be drastically better for my mental health. Less money but the.money is not worth it.
I had been kicking around a lot of ideas about how we could better structure our adolescent program (I work psych) for many months. Before I would have kept these to myself. Again, I arranged a meeting with my boss in June that I was terrified for, to talk to her about my ideas. She was receptive. Even said " this is why I hired you" (I have a lot of experience with adolescents). I wrote up some basic new policies "rules" for the unit and a new schedule. All the staff had to read and sign them. We are going live on Sept 1 and when I go to days, I am basically taking over the whole program. I am scared to death. I've always been great with ideas, not so much with execution. So......yeah.
I hate how "together" I am at work and how much of a mess I am with everything else. I often joke that my colleagues would be shocked if they could see what's going on in my head. Anyway, so yeah. Don't know where I go from here, I just hate the fact that tome, the world is still an unsafe place filled with liars.
It appears he has done a lot of growing up over the last year. His temper is all but gone except for the occasional road rage and over politics lol. He said this year has been the best, albeit most difficult, that he feels pretty stable and grounded.
This year for me has by far been the most DEstabilizing and painful ever. This time last year, everything and everyone I thought was real turned out to be everything BUT. I have come to many painful realizations about myself and at times all I can see is the wreckage and wasted potential. I found it hard to trust before but now.........its nearly impossible. I am always asking myself, "what does this person want from me?" in every social interaction. I in turn treat all MY social interactions as business arrangements, nothing more or less. Been having a lot of ptsd flashbacks for the last week. I was helping a patient with a cpap machiene the other night and almost had to leave the room I felt so panicked. I just involuntarily zoomed to one of the many nights I would try to put RAHs cpap on his drunken face, praying not to wake him. Not only was he abusive, I was constantly afraid he would die in his sleep. I've been working with my t about this for a long, LONG time.
On the somewhat gooder part, I've been able to take a lot of risks I would never have before at work. About 7 months in I really hit my stride and felt for once very confident in my practice. They say it takes a new nurse about 3 years and May was 3 years on the.money. I asked my boss to move me to day shift. I was terrified to do this, I as afraid she would be angry or be upset at me or fire me, or a million different reasons I could be afraid for. As of October 18, I will be.moving to days which will be drastically better for my mental health. Less money but the.money is not worth it.
I had been kicking around a lot of ideas about how we could better structure our adolescent program (I work psych) for many months. Before I would have kept these to myself. Again, I arranged a meeting with my boss in June that I was terrified for, to talk to her about my ideas. She was receptive. Even said " this is why I hired you" (I have a lot of experience with adolescents). I wrote up some basic new policies "rules" for the unit and a new schedule. All the staff had to read and sign them. We are going live on Sept 1 and when I go to days, I am basically taking over the whole program. I am scared to death. I've always been great with ideas, not so much with execution. So......yeah.
I hate how "together" I am at work and how much of a mess I am with everything else. I often joke that my colleagues would be shocked if they could see what's going on in my head. Anyway, so yeah. Don't know where I go from here, I just hate the fact that tome, the world is still an unsafe place filled with liars.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's good to hear from you. I am glad hubs is on the straight and narrow. You've been through A LOT. Glad work is getting comfortable and you are working on you. It will come!
I promise - there are so many good people in the world - my cup runneth over. I've seen it. Over and over - and because of that, I try to live the best I can too.
I think a lot of people do. If not most.
In 2001 I was hit by a car while on a motorcycle. Hit and run. I had no insurance. $45k in doctor bills later, someone set up a fund for me. I am in a semi small town. Because of strangers giving - some were people that had little to nothing to give, I was able to pay $17k off it in 1 year. Strangers were out driving around looking for the make and model of car that hit me. Strangers were cleaning my house and cooking me dinner since I was wheel chair bound for 6 months. Strangers visited me in the hospital, and hugged me. Strangers took me grocery shopping. They were people that saw the wreck, heard about the wreck, neighbors I didn't know, friends of friends, local ministers. SO.MANY. LOVING. PEOPLE.
I wasn't a great person before that. Selfish, ignorant, and just flippant about life and others. I NEEDED that to happen for me to see. I am forever in debt, and I do my damndest to help where I can now. I know I'm not the only one. Put out good - caring - understanding. It will all come back to you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08kEFELCb3I
This song came out 14 years before I was born. My grandpa played it over and over for us our whole childhood - we loved it but I never understood its significance until after the wreck. Words to live by and it makes me think of you.
I promise - there are so many good people in the world - my cup runneth over. I've seen it. Over and over - and because of that, I try to live the best I can too.
I think a lot of people do. If not most.
In 2001 I was hit by a car while on a motorcycle. Hit and run. I had no insurance. $45k in doctor bills later, someone set up a fund for me. I am in a semi small town. Because of strangers giving - some were people that had little to nothing to give, I was able to pay $17k off it in 1 year. Strangers were out driving around looking for the make and model of car that hit me. Strangers were cleaning my house and cooking me dinner since I was wheel chair bound for 6 months. Strangers visited me in the hospital, and hugged me. Strangers took me grocery shopping. They were people that saw the wreck, heard about the wreck, neighbors I didn't know, friends of friends, local ministers. SO.MANY. LOVING. PEOPLE.
I wasn't a great person before that. Selfish, ignorant, and just flippant about life and others. I NEEDED that to happen for me to see. I am forever in debt, and I do my damndest to help where I can now. I know I'm not the only one. Put out good - caring - understanding. It will all come back to you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08kEFELCb3I
This song came out 14 years before I was born. My grandpa played it over and over for us our whole childhood - we loved it but I never understood its significance until after the wreck. Words to live by and it makes me think of you.
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