scarlet71

I would like an opinion on my situation or some advice. First of all, I am not in AA, CA, or NA. I am the partner of a recovering alcoholic/addict. A while back I noticed my partner getting all dressed up to go to meetings. He had never done this before. He started to pick fights with me and stuff but I figured it was just him, as he is moody. He then told me that this girl in his group was baking him his cake for his celebration. I asked him why this girl, who was new to the group and under a year in recovery would do that for him. He said he didn't know. This woman happens to be about 10 years younger than us, thin and very pretty. After he bought me a gift. When it came time for his celebration, he did not want me to go. To make a long story short, I have seen Facebook messages from her saying she missed him and other flirty kind of stuff. The other day, I found out he was meeting up with her before the meeting to talk. He said, he had been doing some heavy praying and needed to talk. Should I be worried about this? It's so hard for me because I am on the outside and I have heard from a friend who's partner is in the same group that it's a meeting filled with women and she's caught him flirting etc. How do I handle this? What really happens at these meetings? Is there really such a thing as the 13th Step?

happybeingme

If a friend told you this story what would be your advice? If it were me I would definitely prepare for the worst and yes, 13th stepping is very real. Happens all of the time. I am really sorry this is happening to you but it sounds like if he hasn't cheated he is building up to it.

LexieCat

There isn't such a "thing" as a 13th step--but there are, in AA (as everywhere else in society), bad judgment and infidelity. You didn't mention how much sober time your husband has, but considering that this young woman has less than a year, if something IS going on, the weight of blame would be on his side of the scale.

Guess you will have to wait and see what he wants to discuss. Worrying about it in advance doesn't do a whole lot of good.

FeelingGreat

Scarlet, you seem to have a pretty good take on what's going on. Your RAH seems to be willing to talk to you so maybe you could tell him you're worried and ask if he's there's any reason you should be.
There are other groups, I'm sure and if he's sincere and willing, maybe he could attend them. You might have to be very clear with him about how you'd react if he did start an affair.
Emotional entanglements do happen with recovering As, as they can emotionally unstable and vulnerable. The trick is knowing this, and taking action to avoid it if possible.

hopeful4

Um yes. I would be concerned.

dandylion

When is the talking going to take place?

CodeJob

Hello Scarlet, Listen to your gut. Something isn't right.

NYCDoglvr

It's common in many AA meetings to have a cake each month for people celebrating anniversaries. And people with less time frequently volunteer to bring a cake (it's part of doing service). It would be for everyone having an anniversary that month, not just him. Sounds like she may be pursuing him but not necessarily the opposite. No problem in asking since he's open to the discussion.

dandylion

scarlet......how often have we heard that communication is essential for a good relationship?

From my own experience...I know that is true. Talk to each other. I say to put all the card out on the table. Your cards....and, for him--his cards. All the cards.
Even if it is hard to talk about it...it is even worse to swallow all the feelings and wallow around in the doubts and fears, etc. It won't get better by avoiding it.

Now, I am not saying to get all up in his recovery program. The recovery is for him to grapple with. But....you are 50% of this relationship. I consider the relationship as being on your side of the street as much as his.
You have a right to express yourself and ask questions.....and, really let him know how an infidelity( if it exists) would affect your feelings and actions. I just consider that a part of your own boundary setting.

It may be that he is being "tempted" by a certain siren song. It happens---temptation. It can be very powerful for someone who is vulnerable---like an early recovering alcoholic....and, your husband is still in the early recovery category, himself. Maybe, after discussion, it would be time for couples counseling with someone who is familiar with alcoholism recovery.

I am just throwing out "maybes"....as food for your thought.

dandylion

burymefacedown

I have an AA friend who met her exhusband in AA.