How do I get him out?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
How do I get him out?
Long story short - AH has relapsed, and is back in 'pre-contemplation'! He's "not ready" to give up drinking yet. He hasn't been drinking (since the 3 day bender a couple of weeks ago), but every day is a white knuckle nightmare where he almost gives in. He knows he cant live at home if he is drinking...I know this might be an ultimatum but I am so over this disease that I don't care. I don't want to live with him if he drinks. Full stop. I wouldn't have even told him except he told me he needed some 'relief' by having a couple of beers and I told him he needed to find somewhere else to stay whilst he was drinking them because he wasn't coming home.
I know this is why he's not drinking (yet) but I feel ZERO victory in this.
I actually want him to leave. But I don't know how to make this happen.
He has nowhere to stay. He doesn't want to leave. He has no money. No job. No income. He's playing on my sense of guilt and responsibility...blah blah he's worked so hard...he's trying, why would I kick him out at that point, give up so easily....he has nowhere to go...how ill he live....if he's out of the house he'll drink himself into a hoel whereas at home its a handbrake for him...if he's left to his own devices he'll just go for it....blah blah.
But the thing is this is a man I loved, perhaps on a level still love. He is the father of my child. A human being. I actually have searched my brains - where could he go and stay? And how would he pay for it. I don't want him to go down that rabbit hole...I know I cant cure it, control it etc...but I also don't want to contribute to his demise and I honestly still feel lie I will.
How do I make those words come out my mouth....I want him to leave. I know he doesn't have to go straight away - he could stay until he makes a plan - with an end date on it. I don't know how he'll pay for it. Do I 'give' him some of our money without us going through a legal separation (different in Oz to the US), and that way he can accommodate himself until its gone?
I just don't know. He's not even being horrible - so much easier when he is. He just keeps apologising endlessly and saying he doesn't get it, that he knows he is about to lose the last things that mean anything to him and even that is STILL not enough to stop him drinking.
I've stopped taking it personally. I don't think he is doing this with the express intention to hurt me. I feel sorry for him. But I don't want him in my life. I want a happy life. I am sick of this anxiety over what state he'll be in. I am sick of talking about drinking, and alcohol and his desire for it. I want to be around people who are interested in life outside of the beer bottle/ wine glass. I am tired of it.
How do I do this? I just cant turf him out on the street....any ideas for me?
I know this is why he's not drinking (yet) but I feel ZERO victory in this.
I actually want him to leave. But I don't know how to make this happen.
He has nowhere to stay. He doesn't want to leave. He has no money. No job. No income. He's playing on my sense of guilt and responsibility...blah blah he's worked so hard...he's trying, why would I kick him out at that point, give up so easily....he has nowhere to go...how ill he live....if he's out of the house he'll drink himself into a hoel whereas at home its a handbrake for him...if he's left to his own devices he'll just go for it....blah blah.
But the thing is this is a man I loved, perhaps on a level still love. He is the father of my child. A human being. I actually have searched my brains - where could he go and stay? And how would he pay for it. I don't want him to go down that rabbit hole...I know I cant cure it, control it etc...but I also don't want to contribute to his demise and I honestly still feel lie I will.
How do I make those words come out my mouth....I want him to leave. I know he doesn't have to go straight away - he could stay until he makes a plan - with an end date on it. I don't know how he'll pay for it. Do I 'give' him some of our money without us going through a legal separation (different in Oz to the US), and that way he can accommodate himself until its gone?
I just don't know. He's not even being horrible - so much easier when he is. He just keeps apologising endlessly and saying he doesn't get it, that he knows he is about to lose the last things that mean anything to him and even that is STILL not enough to stop him drinking.
I've stopped taking it personally. I don't think he is doing this with the express intention to hurt me. I feel sorry for him. But I don't want him in my life. I want a happy life. I am sick of this anxiety over what state he'll be in. I am sick of talking about drinking, and alcohol and his desire for it. I want to be around people who are interested in life outside of the beer bottle/ wine glass. I am tired of it.
How do I do this? I just cant turf him out on the street....any ideas for me?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
If he doesn't have a family member to stay with it seems you will have to support him and find him a place. I don't know how Australia works so I don't know if there are social programs he would qualify for.
He really has you in a tough spot. I am sorry you are in this situation. You and the kids deserve peace and stability. Perhaps you should work on a legal separation
He really has you in a tough spot. I am sorry you are in this situation. You and the kids deserve peace and stability. Perhaps you should work on a legal separation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks.
No family he could stay with. One sister here who is happy for him to sleep on the street - she said she doesn't have the emotional energy anymore to care...that he has a perfectly good home and it's his problem if he wants alcohol more than he wants his family. All his family want him on the street so he isn't comfortable whilst killing himself with alcohol.
No family he could stay with. One sister here who is happy for him to sleep on the street - she said she doesn't have the emotional energy anymore to care...that he has a perfectly good home and it's his problem if he wants alcohol more than he wants his family. All his family want him on the street so he isn't comfortable whilst killing himself with alcohol.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Unfortunately, for many alcoholics the only hope for them getting better is for them to lose it all. He has all the tools he needs he just has to use them. Given his dual diagnosis he should be medicated and doing intensive out patient therapy. But he has to want to get better. It is hard lifelong work. Far too many just don't want to. As cruel as it sounds you need to let him drink himself to death if he wants. Because in the end if he wants to die there are a million ways he can do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Jarp; maybe this is the time to start the legal process for separation, including assets?
I see you supporting him without an "official" end in sight as an endless suckhole of money and guilt.
Yet, he may be legally entitled to the money anyway so what does the lawyer say?
I wish you could keep the money intact for kids and away from him blowing it in one big rampage, but that depends on the law.
If you well and truly need him to get out if he's drinking, honor that feeling and make it happen.
Determining where the assets will be going is the first step since there is a chunk of money involved.
By the way, I see the sister's point about no longer rescuing him--painful as it is, giving him a safety net still hasn't resulted in permanent sobriety, has it?
Hugs--you are a loving and loyal person but it is just fine to get him out of your space if drinking is what he values most. No guilt.
I see you supporting him without an "official" end in sight as an endless suckhole of money and guilt.
Yet, he may be legally entitled to the money anyway so what does the lawyer say?
I wish you could keep the money intact for kids and away from him blowing it in one big rampage, but that depends on the law.
If you well and truly need him to get out if he's drinking, honor that feeling and make it happen.
Determining where the assets will be going is the first step since there is a chunk of money involved.
By the way, I see the sister's point about no longer rescuing him--painful as it is, giving him a safety net still hasn't resulted in permanent sobriety, has it?
Hugs--you are a loving and loyal person but it is just fine to get him out of your space if drinking is what he values most. No guilt.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I totally agree with Hawkeye. Talk to a lawyer. Find out what he would be entitled to, legally, and draw up the paperwork. Depending on the law there, you might owe him spousal support (which might be balanced out on child support that he owes YOU), and there are marital assets to divide.
Keeping him under your roof is making you miserable, and he could suck you dry financially, as well. If you do this, now, you won't have to feel you are putting him out with zero resources. Of course, if he pisses it away once he's out, then he will have to figure out where to go, but it won't be YOU feeling like you're turning him out with nothing.
It looks like things are headed this direction, anyway. You don't have to hate someone to divorce him. I still cared very much for my second husband when I filed for divorce, but I was determined not to go down with him. You have the well-being of a child to think about, as well.
Keeping him under your roof is making you miserable, and he could suck you dry financially, as well. If you do this, now, you won't have to feel you are putting him out with zero resources. Of course, if he pisses it away once he's out, then he will have to figure out where to go, but it won't be YOU feeling like you're turning him out with nothing.
It looks like things are headed this direction, anyway. You don't have to hate someone to divorce him. I still cared very much for my second husband when I filed for divorce, but I was determined not to go down with him. You have the well-being of a child to think about, as well.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I third speaking with an attorney and going ahead and separating assets. Get everything signed and sealed inclusive of terminating rights on house property etc. if it were me I would just go ahead and file for divorce. I know this has been a long road for you and many (((hugs))) for that. Yes he is the father of your child, and I know you love and care about his well being, but as they say.......let go or be dragged all the way to hell.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Is he incapable of working for some reason?
I remember this feeling too well - RAH was without much income (after beer & cigs) & has no family local so I struggled with the idea of him being on the streets. That had more to do with protecting DD than him (when I honestly examined my emotions) but really more about what I *thought* DD needed to be protected from. In reality she's shown me that she can handle a lot of what I tried to shield.
I can tell you this jarp - he always found a way. Always. I may not have been happy with all of his decisions but I didn't have to look at them/live with them either. And the peace that I had while I wasn't focused on all that I couldn't control was priceless, literally. Until he was gone I hadn't realized what an energy-sucking-vampire he had become.... it just zapped me having to stay hyper vigilant like that.
I remember this feeling too well - RAH was without much income (after beer & cigs) & has no family local so I struggled with the idea of him being on the streets. That had more to do with protecting DD than him (when I honestly examined my emotions) but really more about what I *thought* DD needed to be protected from. In reality she's shown me that she can handle a lot of what I tried to shield.
I can tell you this jarp - he always found a way. Always. I may not have been happy with all of his decisions but I didn't have to look at them/live with them either. And the peace that I had while I wasn't focused on all that I couldn't control was priceless, literally. Until he was gone I hadn't realized what an energy-sucking-vampire he had become.... it just zapped me having to stay hyper vigilant like that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Jarp, if you're up for it now might be the time to get a legal separation of assets drawn up, even if it hurts for you to be handing over things you've worked so hard for. The alternative is him going on sucking you dry financially and emotionally.
My sister was in a similar situation (different reasons) and she instructed her solicitor to draw up an agreement that was more generous than he was strictly entitled to, but got him out of her hair for good, with no delay. It hurt a bit financially, but it was clean, she was better off in the long run without him to drain her finances. Like you, she was the higher income earner.
At least then he'll have the means to set up somewhere to live on his own. As for the emotional blackmail of using living with you to restrain his drinking, that's a fight he has to have on his own. That goes for whether he's living with you or not; it will always be his struggle.
I really feel sorry for him because I know what it's like to white-knuckle it, but whatever break-through he needs to want sobriety isn't happening while he's living with you anyway.
My sister was in a similar situation (different reasons) and she instructed her solicitor to draw up an agreement that was more generous than he was strictly entitled to, but got him out of her hair for good, with no delay. It hurt a bit financially, but it was clean, she was better off in the long run without him to drain her finances. Like you, she was the higher income earner.
At least then he'll have the means to set up somewhere to live on his own. As for the emotional blackmail of using living with you to restrain his drinking, that's a fight he has to have on his own. That goes for whether he's living with you or not; it will always be his struggle.
I really feel sorry for him because I know what it's like to white-knuckle it, but whatever break-through he needs to want sobriety isn't happening while he's living with you anyway.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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"I just don't know. He's not even being horrible - so much easier when he is. He just keeps apologising endlessly and saying he doesn't get it, that he knows he is about to lose the last things that mean anything to him and even that is STILL not enough to stop him drinking."
Call his bluff.
If this statement is true, then it's all downhill anyway. If not, then you're doing him a favor by proverbially kicking him in the butt and letting him see what it means to really lose everything.
Legally separate and get him out. People stay sober every day, and he is not some special exception that has extenuating circumstances that keep him from living a sober life - just excuses to make you feel sorry for him because he doesn't want to quit yet.
Call his bluff.
If this statement is true, then it's all downhill anyway. If not, then you're doing him a favor by proverbially kicking him in the butt and letting him see what it means to really lose everything.
Legally separate and get him out. People stay sober every day, and he is not some special exception that has extenuating circumstances that keep him from living a sober life - just excuses to make you feel sorry for him because he doesn't want to quit yet.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ahh yes. He expects you to support him while he has no job while he sits home and starts drinking. Hmmmm. No.
First off, go to the attorney and find out their advise. Secondly, tell him he needs to get a job. I don't care if it's the crappiest job in town, he needs to take it. It's been long enough. I understand. My X just went back to work at a crap job after a year. He only did so b/c he was forced to by his fiancé who he is living with. Stop feeling sorry for him. It's time he man up. He went to treatment, he knows what he is dealing with. If he decides to control his issues or let them control him is only up to one person, him.
You deserve a life. You do not deserve to be locked down in anxiety for the rest of your life just b/c you once loved this man and he is the father of your children. He is not your child.
Tight, very tight hugs to you Jarp. You are not alone!
First off, go to the attorney and find out their advise. Secondly, tell him he needs to get a job. I don't care if it's the crappiest job in town, he needs to take it. It's been long enough. I understand. My X just went back to work at a crap job after a year. He only did so b/c he was forced to by his fiancé who he is living with. Stop feeling sorry for him. It's time he man up. He went to treatment, he knows what he is dealing with. If he decides to control his issues or let them control him is only up to one person, him.
You deserve a life. You do not deserve to be locked down in anxiety for the rest of your life just b/c you once loved this man and he is the father of your children. He is not your child.
Tight, very tight hugs to you Jarp. You are not alone!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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He has no money. No job. No income
so how does he buy his alcohol then?
He just keeps apologising endlessly and saying he doesn't get it, that he knows he is about to lose the last things that mean anything to him and even that is STILL not enough to stop him drinking.
because he is still "getting away with it" - you still provide for him, feed him, house him, pay all the bills, etc etc etc. forcing him out AS IS could be the eye opener he needs.
.if he's out of the house he'll drink himself into a hoel whereas at home its a handbrake for him...if he's left to his own devices he'll just go for it....blah blah. how COULD he if he has no money???? as it is you still hold the belief (somewhere) that you are somehow 'controlling' his drinking.
so how does he buy his alcohol then?
He just keeps apologising endlessly and saying he doesn't get it, that he knows he is about to lose the last things that mean anything to him and even that is STILL not enough to stop him drinking.
because he is still "getting away with it" - you still provide for him, feed him, house him, pay all the bills, etc etc etc. forcing him out AS IS could be the eye opener he needs.
.if he's out of the house he'll drink himself into a hoel whereas at home its a handbrake for him...if he's left to his own devices he'll just go for it....blah blah. how COULD he if he has no money???? as it is you still hold the belief (somewhere) that you are somehow 'controlling' his drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He has nowhere to stay. He doesn't want to leave. He has no money. No job. No income. He's playing on my sense of guilt and responsibility...blah blah he's worked so hard...he's trying, why would I kick him out at that point, give up so easily....he has nowhere to go...how ill he live....if he's out of the house he'll drink himself into a hoel whereas at home its a handbrake for him...if he's left to his own devices he'll just go for it....blah blah.
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Jarp.....where is the "team" that was caring for his mental issues and his alcoholism?
Remember the professor that was advocating the controlled drinking philosophy?
What do they say now? What do they advise you, now? (I remember that they were seeing you as a family, at some point). What are their bright ideas...besides the obvious--living with you in the home?.
Here in the states we have houses that are known as "sober houses" where alcoholics can live in an alcohol free environment...with strong group support from the other alcoholics, AA, etc. They live and go to work, etc.....
Do you have any counterpart in your country? (they are sometimes called Oxford Houses, also).
dandylion
Remember the professor that was advocating the controlled drinking philosophy?
What do they say now? What do they advise you, now? (I remember that they were seeing you as a family, at some point). What are their bright ideas...besides the obvious--living with you in the home?.
Here in the states we have houses that are known as "sober houses" where alcoholics can live in an alcohol free environment...with strong group support from the other alcoholics, AA, etc. They live and go to work, etc.....
Do you have any counterpart in your country? (they are sometimes called Oxford Houses, also).
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thank you all you gave me the opportunity to take a good hard look at myself.
He's out. He's been out since Thursday night our time. He went home to his Dad's house (Dad passed away - its for sale - his sister is going to make sure he's not trashing the place - although its 3.5 hours away from where we live).
I've been enabling him. Yes, I've been paying for the alcohol in a sense - it didn't feel that way as our he obviously contributed to those savings whilst he worked. I earn 1/3 of what he used to.
I am seeing a lawyer this week to see what I should do about the $, and how I can assure myself he wont get unsupervised access to our son. He has an inheritance coming. He is executor for the will however, and is in no state to do that. Not my problem I guess. He's 3.5 hours away and took public transport - so he has no car - so I am not worried about him turning up. Too much effort involved.
He rang briefly before....he's sick, very sick....his plan is to drink himself to death. Do I call the police and request a welfare check?
I have an appointment with our family therapist (addiction specialist) - I'll take her guidance. So far their view is that he's in full relapse, and relapsed some time ago. They had 'hoped' he'd feel bad and decide to readdress things...that sometimes people need to feel bad again before the commit more fully to recovery. They ironically said to me "you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink"!
I'm ok. I feel happy without him. I am worried about our son. He wont talk about it. Said it makes him too sad. I'll seek some guidance on that too. He didn't want to go to school this morning as he said his hearty was broken
He's out. He's been out since Thursday night our time. He went home to his Dad's house (Dad passed away - its for sale - his sister is going to make sure he's not trashing the place - although its 3.5 hours away from where we live).
I've been enabling him. Yes, I've been paying for the alcohol in a sense - it didn't feel that way as our he obviously contributed to those savings whilst he worked. I earn 1/3 of what he used to.
I am seeing a lawyer this week to see what I should do about the $, and how I can assure myself he wont get unsupervised access to our son. He has an inheritance coming. He is executor for the will however, and is in no state to do that. Not my problem I guess. He's 3.5 hours away and took public transport - so he has no car - so I am not worried about him turning up. Too much effort involved.
He rang briefly before....he's sick, very sick....his plan is to drink himself to death. Do I call the police and request a welfare check?
I have an appointment with our family therapist (addiction specialist) - I'll take her guidance. So far their view is that he's in full relapse, and relapsed some time ago. They had 'hoped' he'd feel bad and decide to readdress things...that sometimes people need to feel bad again before the commit more fully to recovery. They ironically said to me "you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink"!
I'm ok. I feel happy without him. I am worried about our son. He wont talk about it. Said it makes him too sad. I'll seek some guidance on that too. He didn't want to go to school this morning as he said his hearty was broken
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by jarp 
I have an appointment with our family therapist (addiction specialist) - I'll take her guidance. So far their view is that he's in full relapse, and relapsed some time ago.
It must be a worry about his threats to drink himself to death, but it might be premature to ask for a welfare check. It can take a while for someone as addicted as he is to reach that point. OTOH he might just reach the conclusion that he doesn't want to die, which will mean total abstinence. I'm not an AA person and have never done therapy for drinking, but I know how my receptors light up if I drink, and you can't fix it in retrospect.
You're going to have a challenging time ahead - best wishes, you can do this!
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