Please Tell Me How I Can Help You
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Please Tell Me How I Can Help You
"Hello wpainterw,
Our records indicate that you haven't posted in a while. We want to hear what you have to say!
Let us know what you are grateful for on The Gratitude List, or choose a forum from our list and let us know how you're doing!"
I received this message and here is what i have to say. I will not burden you with the details, partly because, despite confidentiality, talking about those in my family may come to their attention due to availability of some posts on the internet, even to non members of this website. Suffice it to say that my wife and I are deeply depressed and concerned about our first born, a son, now age 53, who has recently developed shingles and is now left with Bell's Palsy which distorts the left side of his face and one eye. The prognosis would be better if he were able to relax a bit but he takes too much upon himself, partially because of his wife's preference for research on her forthcoming book, her organic cooking and her networking with other scholars. So she delegates much of the child rearing duties to him, a task which he cheerfully accepts because of his love for the children and his apparent love for her. She "programs" what other should do, even what they are to eat, but focuses primarily on her academic pursuits
My wife and I now in our upper eighties, living alone with one another and rarely seeing our family, worry about the future. It is now 12:15 a.m. at night and I am sleepless. If I drank (and I have not had a drink for 27 years) I would be helpless to deal with all this and would probably be dead.
Over the years I have learned that the best thing to do when depressed is to reach out and help someone else who is depressed, lonely, a bit desperate like I am. Is there anyone out there who might help me by needing me to help them? I hope so!
There has been so much sadness in our family. The death of my much loved cousin at the age of 19 in an auto accident, the death of my father at the age of only 63, the suicide of my sister and her only child and the devastating impact all that had on my mother, who in her bitterness, depression and hardening of the arteries, seemed to turn against me in her final years.
Like many other alcoholics, I am dependent on persons, places and things. Persons-those I have loved and are now long gone. Places to which, because of my age, I cannot go. Things. Collecting horse and dog artifacts and, above all dogs, particularly my english cocker who in some inscrutable way seems to know what troubles me. I sense that finally I am coming to believe in God, but not the God of any organized church. Perhaps he/she/that may be the ultimate friend.
Can I help anyone out there? If I can it would help me.
W.
Our records indicate that you haven't posted in a while. We want to hear what you have to say!
Let us know what you are grateful for on The Gratitude List, or choose a forum from our list and let us know how you're doing!"
I received this message and here is what i have to say. I will not burden you with the details, partly because, despite confidentiality, talking about those in my family may come to their attention due to availability of some posts on the internet, even to non members of this website. Suffice it to say that my wife and I are deeply depressed and concerned about our first born, a son, now age 53, who has recently developed shingles and is now left with Bell's Palsy which distorts the left side of his face and one eye. The prognosis would be better if he were able to relax a bit but he takes too much upon himself, partially because of his wife's preference for research on her forthcoming book, her organic cooking and her networking with other scholars. So she delegates much of the child rearing duties to him, a task which he cheerfully accepts because of his love for the children and his apparent love for her. She "programs" what other should do, even what they are to eat, but focuses primarily on her academic pursuits
My wife and I now in our upper eighties, living alone with one another and rarely seeing our family, worry about the future. It is now 12:15 a.m. at night and I am sleepless. If I drank (and I have not had a drink for 27 years) I would be helpless to deal with all this and would probably be dead.
Over the years I have learned that the best thing to do when depressed is to reach out and help someone else who is depressed, lonely, a bit desperate like I am. Is there anyone out there who might help me by needing me to help them? I hope so!
There has been so much sadness in our family. The death of my much loved cousin at the age of 19 in an auto accident, the death of my father at the age of only 63, the suicide of my sister and her only child and the devastating impact all that had on my mother, who in her bitterness, depression and hardening of the arteries, seemed to turn against me in her final years.
Like many other alcoholics, I am dependent on persons, places and things. Persons-those I have loved and are now long gone. Places to which, because of my age, I cannot go. Things. Collecting horse and dog artifacts and, above all dogs, particularly my english cocker who in some inscrutable way seems to know what troubles me. I sense that finally I am coming to believe in God, but not the God of any organized church. Perhaps he/she/that may be the ultimate friend.
Can I help anyone out there? If I can it would help me.
W.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
We're always glad to hear from you Bill.
I see many folks here who post they don't have much to say or don't know how to help...but the truth is sometimes a simple acknowledgement - an 'I'm here' - is all it takes to change someone else's day
I'm sorry to hear about your son but I hope recovers quickly and fully
Please keep posting Bill
D
I see many folks here who post they don't have much to say or don't know how to help...but the truth is sometimes a simple acknowledgement - an 'I'm here' - is all it takes to change someone else's day
I'm sorry to hear about your son but I hope recovers quickly and fully
Please keep posting Bill
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Dear Bill I'm sorry to hear about your son's illness, of course you are worried for him and the in the wee small hours of the night worries intensify, don't they.
I hope you are asleep now, here in Australia the winter sun is pouring in my window at work, flooding the screen with too much light -- but I like it. I hope you wake to a sunny morning in a few hours.
Take care of yourself Bill.
I hope you are asleep now, here in Australia the winter sun is pouring in my window at work, flooding the screen with too much light -- but I like it. I hope you wake to a sunny morning in a few hours.
Take care of yourself Bill.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 174
I'm sorry about all you are going through, Bill. I really am. In your post you wrote: "Over the years I have learned that the best thing to do when depressed is to reach out and help someone else who is depressed, lonely, a bit desperate like I am... Can I help anyone out there?"
I don't think you even noticed it, but you said something in that post that is incredible inspirational and helpful. You wrote that:
- You had not had a drink in 27 years
- You are in your upper 80s
Simple math shows you quit right around age 60 and stayed quit. There are countless posts on here from people around age 60 who believe it's simply too late to stop. They worry that if they haven't quit by now, they never will, and will die drunk. I mean hell... I'm 35 and worry about the fact that I haven't been able to really quit (I'm doing ok now, but long term is another story).
So your post was actually very helpful to me and a lot of people. I mean, if you can quit at age 60 and stay sober for almost 3 decades, maybe there is hope for me????
So thank you for that.
I don't think you even noticed it, but you said something in that post that is incredible inspirational and helpful. You wrote that:
- You had not had a drink in 27 years
- You are in your upper 80s
Simple math shows you quit right around age 60 and stayed quit. There are countless posts on here from people around age 60 who believe it's simply too late to stop. They worry that if they haven't quit by now, they never will, and will die drunk. I mean hell... I'm 35 and worry about the fact that I haven't been able to really quit (I'm doing ok now, but long term is another story).
So your post was actually very helpful to me and a lot of people. I mean, if you can quit at age 60 and stay sober for almost 3 decades, maybe there is hope for me????
So thank you for that.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
You have 27 years of sobriety, Bill! Yes, you can definitely help us out by sharing how to work that magic for ourselves. :-) I'm on day 29 myself, so pretty new at this and pretty new here on SR. I'm doing everything I can do to keep my sobriety going strong, but I'm painfully aware that I'm still figuring out stuff and pretty fragile. Sigh.
I'm sorry about the challenges you've faced and are still facing with your family. I too have some of those challenges and get a lot of love and comfort from my own little mutt. Dogs just seem to know how to make us feel better.
Thanks for stopping by, Bill. Don't be a stranger. Btw, I see you're from MA. Phew, how about that last winter?!!! Insane!
Delfin
I'm sorry about the challenges you've faced and are still facing with your family. I too have some of those challenges and get a lot of love and comfort from my own little mutt. Dogs just seem to know how to make us feel better.
Thanks for stopping by, Bill. Don't be a stranger. Btw, I see you're from MA. Phew, how about that last winter?!!! Insane!
Delfin
Last edited by Delfin; 08-19-2015 at 10:12 PM. Reason: Typo. Need to stop posting from my cell phone.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by wpainterw 
If I drank (and I have not had a drink for 27 years) I would be helpless . . .
Thank you for sharing.
When we see others cope with their challenges without a drink, it helps us to say to ourselves, "I can do this, too."
Hearing other grateful sober alcoholics is fuel for my own gratitude and sobriety.
All the best.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Bill.... You just did. I read every word you posted. I felt every emotion you conveyed. And while I am sad for you current state you gave me such hope. The love for others you have gives me hope.
So .... Thank you. My today will be better because of you.
Ken
So .... Thank you. My today will be better because of you.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 654
You have already helped me. I too have people I have lost, some through death and some through driving them away from inside my bottle. You have reminded me that we all hurt sometimes and have put into perspective some of my worries. While I often let myself feel hard done by I really don't have it all that bad.
Thank you for your kindness and for sharing with us.
Thank you for your kindness and for sharing with us.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Delfin: You wrote: "You have 27 years of sobriety, Bill! Yes, you can definitely help us out by sharing how to work that magic for ourselves. "
It's not "magic", or then again, maybe it is. Perhaps a better word would be "mysterious". Something was helping me. Perhaps a group of recovering alcoholics. Perhaps something or someone else. In recent years I have sensed an alternate reality. And I have become afraid of death. The thing that really helps me now is to see love in the eyes of my dog. That is what keeps me going. The Greeks long ago said that out of sadness comes wisdom. Odd that they should have found that out so long ago. Odd that in the times we live in now so much of that has been forgotten...
W.
It's not "magic", or then again, maybe it is. Perhaps a better word would be "mysterious". Something was helping me. Perhaps a group of recovering alcoholics. Perhaps something or someone else. In recent years I have sensed an alternate reality. And I have become afraid of death. The thing that really helps me now is to see love in the eyes of my dog. That is what keeps me going. The Greeks long ago said that out of sadness comes wisdom. Odd that they should have found that out so long ago. Odd that in the times we live in now so much of that has been forgotten...
W.
Bill
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
This group alcoholics here is definitely what has helped me with my recovery. And perhaps someone else...
It's interesting that you mentioned death, as it is something I've been thinking about a lot since I got sober. Alcohol dulled my feelings and blurred my thoughts for a long time. Now I find myself having to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, including those of death and dying, with nothing to dull them. It is disconcerting at best and nearly painful at worst. But I'm learning to be okay with all of it, good and bad. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I have this moment, and this moment is quite wonderful. I'm very blessed and would be a fool not to appreciate that.
About sadness and wisdom...I'm reminded of a time I went to see a wonderful African writer speak at a college in the area once; his name was Wole Soyinka. At the end of the talk, someone asked him if it was necessary to experience pain in order to be a great writer. He said that unhappy writers may think so, but he thought of himself as a great writer, and a happy one at that. His answer still makes me smile now. Anyway, there may be a case to be made for the sadness-wisdom connection. Look at how happy certain reality TV stars look. :-D
I hope you are doing better with sleep tonight, W. Are you a painter, btw? If you are, I will be honest and say I envy you, but in a good way.
Delfin
It's interesting that you mentioned death, as it is something I've been thinking about a lot since I got sober. Alcohol dulled my feelings and blurred my thoughts for a long time. Now I find myself having to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, including those of death and dying, with nothing to dull them. It is disconcerting at best and nearly painful at worst. But I'm learning to be okay with all of it, good and bad. Mostly, I try to remind myself that I have this moment, and this moment is quite wonderful. I'm very blessed and would be a fool not to appreciate that.
About sadness and wisdom...I'm reminded of a time I went to see a wonderful African writer speak at a college in the area once; his name was Wole Soyinka. At the end of the talk, someone asked him if it was necessary to experience pain in order to be a great writer. He said that unhappy writers may think so, but he thought of himself as a great writer, and a happy one at that. His answer still makes me smile now. Anyway, there may be a case to be made for the sadness-wisdom connection. Look at how happy certain reality TV stars look. :-D
I hope you are doing better with sleep tonight, W. Are you a painter, btw? If you are, I will be honest and say I envy you, but in a good way.
Delfin
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
SoberLeigh wrote: "You have helped me by simply you being you."
What a wonderful thing to say! Can we not also say this to the flowers, the trees, the dogs?
Every good wish to you and to everyone out there.
Bill.
What a wonderful thing to say! Can we not also say this to the flowers, the trees, the dogs?
Every good wish to you and to everyone out there.
Bill.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi Bill.
Thank you for your post as it helped me already this AM. It reminded me that my little pity pot is just that, a pity pot I can easily wallow in if I don’t step back and see many others have it far worse than myself in so many ways. I have a tendency to panic with certain situations. Fortunately I stopped relying on alcohol a lot of years ago to fall back on and gratefully have not had a desire for almost as long.
Posts like yours push me to make a gratitude list to help me get out of myself.
Your post helped me!
THANK YOU AND BE WELL
Thank you for your post as it helped me already this AM. It reminded me that my little pity pot is just that, a pity pot I can easily wallow in if I don’t step back and see many others have it far worse than myself in so many ways. I have a tendency to panic with certain situations. Fortunately I stopped relying on alcohol a lot of years ago to fall back on and gratefully have not had a desire for almost as long.
Posts like yours push me to make a gratitude list to help me get out of myself.
Your post helped me!
THANK YOU AND BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
IOAA2 wrote: " It reminded me that my little pity pot is just that, a pity pot I can easily wallow in if I don’t step back and see many others have it far worse than myself in so many ways."
So true! Reminds me of the old New Yorker cartoon satirizing self pity ("pity pot"?): "I felt sad without my walking stick until I found a man who had no spats!"
I'll bet most of you out there don't know what "spats" are! Google it! As for "pity pot" that reminds me of Lady Mary Wortley Montague's famous revenge on Alexander Pope. Having trouble with that one too? Google it!
This isn't the "Age of Aquarius". It's the Age of The Google!
W.
So true! Reminds me of the old New Yorker cartoon satirizing self pity ("pity pot"?): "I felt sad without my walking stick until I found a man who had no spats!"
I'll bet most of you out there don't know what "spats" are! Google it! As for "pity pot" that reminds me of Lady Mary Wortley Montague's famous revenge on Alexander Pope. Having trouble with that one too? Google it!
This isn't the "Age of Aquarius". It's the Age of The Google!
W.
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