jhead0212

I hope Im posting in the correct place. I'm an enabler but Im being blackmailed in a way. Im a single mother that lives with my parents. My mother watches my children while I work. The only issue is that if I don't do what she wants, give her money for her addiction, etc she threatens not to keep them while I work. I have literally no one else. This is my only income to provide for my children. I dont qualify for free daycare and can't afford to pay for it so Im stuck. She does amazing with my children and can put the addiction away while caring for them but otherwise no. If I dont do what she says then I have no sitter. Im struggling so much. Im stressed to the max and cry all the time because I know if I refuse to enable then I have no job and no income to provide for my children. Im stuck. I needed to vent. I dont know what to do. Please dont judge me.

cynical one

Have you looked into play groups or mother groups? If you could find someone that works opposite hours from you, you may be able to tradeoff on childcare. Is there a father(s) that is responsible for child support?

mnh1982

This is going to be blunt:

You have 2 choices.

You can compartmentalize & try to continue ignoring your mother's addiction & how it may affect you & your kids (because trust me, it will, no matter how good she is at "putting it away") because you can't afford other childcare.

Or, you can choose to understand that if you believe you're enabling, you probably are, & that means you need to separate yourself from her. And that includes having her babysit. It may take time, negotiating & trading favors, but I'm sure you have friends or coworkers who would be willing to trade childcare for childcare, may have a niece, nephew, daughter, etc who needs to make a little money & would work with you on cost, & local single mothers' groups or resource agencies that can help with payment. Another option is to check with local churches, which often have free daycare/nurseries for their congregation that might be willing to let you bring the kids there. It's going to be a little awkward but I would also talk to your employer about scheduling. When my son was newborn-5months, I only worked 4 days a week (32 hrs). Money was even tighter than tight. But I was then able to find people to watch him during the 4 days I was at work. It wasn't easy. He ended up with 2 different sitters during the week. It was a lot of driving. But rather than have my exAH "take care" of him, it was absolutely vital for me to handle his childcare than to allow my addict husband the opportunity to screw up caring for his own son because his addict brain was more important.

You may not think so now, but just because someone who's addicted is good at hiding the outward signs has no bearing whatsoever on their psychological makeup & THAT is what dictates how they act, speak & otherwise interact with people. Including children.

Which is more important? The convenience of your mother watching the children (because it IS convenient, not a complete necessity) or yours & your kids' longterm mental health & wellbeing?

Clearly if ou've posted here, your own emotional/mental health is at risk. I can only assume the same for your kids, even if they're not outwardly showing it.

Anaya

Welcome, jhead0212.

More ideas:

If your kids are school age, check into before and after school programs and assistance with those. For example, the YMCA close to my home has both before and after school programs and say they will turn no one away because of financial limitations. Even if your kids are preschool age, you could look ahead and consider this for the future.

Another idea: Catholic Charities Homepage | Catholic Charities USA

I know it's very hard to work, raise children, and juggle everything (understatement!) but as the posters above share, there are multiple options to consider that can help in your situation. Don't give up.

Thinking of you and your kids and wishing you well.