JessicaLives

On the other thread, a couple people said this forum was for me, basic coping tools and techniques to help me. Can someone point me to where I can find these things on here? I dont see anything like this.

Needabreak

I think they were saying to look over on the Secular Connections for Friends and Family forum. That forum can be found at this link:

Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You can check the "stickies" on this forum (the threads that stay at the top of the main page) for information that focuses more on helping yourself.

ladyscribbler

The stickies are a good place to start.
So are Alanon and Naranon meetings. Good luck.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-times.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

JessicaLives

I dont see any tools in here for me, its all about the addict and how bad addiction is, and the overall idea I get is everyone saying to end the relationship and how bad their experience was, dont let it happen to me. I saw some of this on the weekend. But are there more basic ideas for everyday life, except I know to take care of myself, watch for lies and being manipulated, safe sex, trust my instincts, its not my fault he uses drugs, dont let him blame me.

Falseclaimsact

Try a nar anon meeting for sure. If you can Google around for the "Just for Today" passage from the nar anon little blue book.... It's helped me especially when I feel like I need a "concrete" coping strategy.

JessicaLives

thanks, I could try a meeting I guess couldnt hurt.

cynical one

Jessica,

At the top of both this forum and the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum are "stickies" that have information in them for you. You are also welcome to browse thru my blog which has over 300 of my personal "stickies" that have helped me and others along the way. If you look on the left side they are categorized into subject groups.

However, what I think you are looking for is more of what you can do to help him, not yourself. And, that is why it is being suggested that you read through the Secular Forum, many of those threads are more focused on helping the substance abuser.

JessicaLives

I was reading there yesterday and downloaded a book suggested. Ive started it. I will post there for suggestions. Id like to help him, but not hurt myself. I know everyone is saying truthfully they were hurt and are sharing their words to keep me safe. Im scared of a lot of things because signs I see these past few weeks show hes changing, but hes still also present and the same too. I dont want him to slip away from me, and people are saying heroin is like a lover and will possess his mind and all this thoughts. Its really bad. Id prefer to leave then end up hating him and have all our good memories taken away.

ladyscribbler

He was a heavy marijuana user when you started in this relationship. Now he's moved on to heroin. He uses drugs. That's what he does. This is who he is, how he chooses to live.
If this isn't what you want from a relationship, then it's totally OK to move on. Honestly, that's the best way to take care of yourself. In a normal, healthy relationship you won't have to worry that you're being manipulated and lied to, or that your partner will contract a disease through IV drug use or cheating while high and pass it onto you, or begin emotionally abusing you to distract from their addiction.
Part of helping yourself is to ask why this relationship is so attractive to you. I'm not being critical. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I had no idea what a normal, healthy adult relationship looked like. I was attracted to guys like your bf, was convinced that I could save them and make them live up to what I saw as their potential. That was what love meant to me. My greatest hope was that one of them would eventually love me enough to stop his destructive behavior.
But my choices were just as destructive in their own way. I focused all my time and energy trying to fix things for other people so that I wouldn't have to look at my own issues.
I finally learned to care of myself by working the 12 steps in Alanon, taking a personal inventory, working with a therapist on my family of origin issues and figuring out why I didn't think I deserved a normal, healthy relationship.
Right now you've got all your eggs in the "help him get sober" basket. I lived that way for a long time, always searching for those certain words, that perfect way to say them, that would make him see that he needed to get sober. There are no magic words. Love isn't going to save someone who isn't willing to save themselves.
I'm sorry, and I know you are going to do what you think is right no matter what I say. I will be here for you, no matter what. No "I told you so's", no judgement. Just support and, when you're ready, experience, strength and hope for you. Your bf isn't a bad person, but he is very sick, and right now he is making choices to keep himself that way. I can't reach him, anymore than I could make my loved ones get sober. All I can do is extend my hand to you.

cynical one

IMO, heroin is no worse or no better than any other drug of abuse. But, I personally don't give drugs much power.

To me it always comes back to behaviors, are they acceptable or not. If I find my own behaviors to be unacceptable, I do the work to change them. If I find others behaviors to be unacceptable, I remove myself from the situation either temporarily or permanently.

JessicaLives

helpful and makes sense. thanks.

JessicaLives

Ive been reading at a Nar-Anon site about boundaries. I looked and there is only one meeting about 45 minutes away from me, and its at a time I cant go. I looked at Al-Anon and there are a whole bunch but in a city about an hour away. I will keep looking online.

I think I understand better not how to decide my boundaries, but once I do they will be hard to stick by because if they make my fiance feel uncomfortable he will try to make me change them, and if he progresses I think the idea is it will protect me from worsening behaviors?

Boundaries will get tested, and I need to try not to take it personally because the addict is sick. I need to have firm boundaries and express what they are, and its up to me to keep them from being broken.

what I read talked about the common ways addicts try to break our boundaries.

1. Charm - being nice to me, romance, sex, compliments, promises

2. Pity Play - how sad something is, how much he or someone else needs something, how bad he feels, to play on sympathy

3. Tantrum - getting angry, mean texts or calls, pouting, withholding affection, money. violence, threatening to leave me, embarrass me, anything to make me afraid, feel like I need him and better comply.

4. Guilt Trip - Saying and doing things to make me feel guilty, like Im mean, or hurting him, being unfair. he might even get other people to help him make me feel guilty.

if one doesnt work, the addict will switch tactics to confuse me. No wonder people get angry after a while.

I think he may be using charm on me right now or maybe its real feelings? since we argued over the weekend, then we've gone back to work. But hes been more romantic and sexual. Im not feeling as good about being with him because I know hes hiding all this from me, but Im still not saying anything and going along with all his moves. But maybe its real. I can also see where I could get paranoid and think things are fake when they are real. this would be bad for us too.

hopeful4

Jessica, addicts are manipluators, or a very large percentage turn into a manipulator eventually if they did not start out that way.

You can see how the crazy train starts for YOU in dealing with someone with an addiction. I literally nearly had a nervous breakdown.

You may want to look into online Alanon, or also Celebrate Recovery which is a lot like Alanon however is faith based.

Good Luck!

cynical one

Jessica, keep in mind that boundaries are for you, they are not rules that others have to live by.

JessicaLives

The Craft book Im reading is helpful too. It shows another side of where assuming every interaction is manipulation can lead to undermining of the relationship. A lot of what happens between two people and even how the addict behaves with us has a lot to do with how we react to them. this makes a lot of sense to me too. Ive been reading posts here and when someone is explaining something the addict did or said, its usually called out as being manipulation. But the question becomes over time does paranoia and expectation of lies only create confusion and truth and honesty is missed part of the time. I think I see this. all the blame gets put on the addict but some of it may be our own minds assumptions. I think its a dangerous area when you want to maintain a supportive environment. once doubts get into your head, its hard to get them out and regain trust. Good Im reading both sides, maybe I can walk a fine line and be aware but not always doubtful and suspicious.

JessicaLives

I have to give mine thought, not sure what they should be for me right now. also not sure what I fully consider enabling. if we talk and he denies using anything but weed, but I know he is. is it enabling to stay with him? im reading a lot at nar-anon about consequences and it says a person needs to feel them in all aspects of their life and its the only way they will seek help. But the craft book Im starting doesnt say negative consequences are as critical. its anything that makes a person want to change. like someone said yesterday, being up all night and going to work with 45 minutes sleep was negative and incentive to change. but was it the pain of not sleeping, fear of losing a job, fear of losing all the good things the job pays for, or just the money it brings for more drugs. if its fear of losing all the good things money pays for like a home and car then a person is also encouraged by positive things. its confusing and I have to figure out what I believe myself.

cynical one

I only have one boundary when it comes to drugs. They are not allowed in my home, if you bring them into my home, I will call the police.

And, I only have one boundary when it comes to people who are loaded on drugs or alcohol. I will remove myself from the situation.

IMO, knowingly believing lies IS enabling.

JessicaLives

I think it is too, but I dont feel ready to have the discussion yet. I hope I can do it Saturday when we aren't working and have time to spend together.

Falseclaimsact

I did what you are doing--went along with his moves especially sex knowing that he was lying to me about his addiction. I became very resentful. Intimacy and lying are opposites.

I'm truly sorry for the situation you're in. There is no easy or right way to cope. Even doing what is best for you is likely to hurt in some way.