patricia68

After 2 wonderful months sober I fell off the wagon. And I've been drinking and taking anxiety medication for 8 weeks straight.

I am desperate to go back to sobriety. Those 2 months were amazing, so much energy, so peaceful.

Now I live in constant panic, not panic attacks but waves of panic all through the day. So I keep self medicating with alcohol and prescriptions.

I need to find the strength and motivation to stop this nightmare. I am terrified of being terrified...does it make sense?

I hate being an addict...

Dee74

Hi Patricia

Coming back here is a great first step. Maybe seeing your Dr or therapist if you have one is a good step after that if you're feeling debilitated by anxiety.

SR certainly well always be here for you - why not commit to daily posting again - maybe join the Class of August support thread?

D

doggonecarl

Not sure what you are doing for your recovery. You were away from SR the whole time. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that you struggled and relapsed?

Why not stick around for the support and accountability?

patricia68

You guys are right. I was overconfident. I thought I didn't need help and I relapsed.
SR saved my life in the past...I shouldn't have left...
Thank you for allowing me to come back...

Anna

Patricia, I'm so glad that you are back. This disease is relentless. It's good that you posted. Is there anything you can add to your recovery program so that you don't have to go through this again.

patricia68

Thank you so much Anna. Right now I'm seeing a counselor and I plan to stay here and seek help. I don't know what else to do. AA is not for me.
I just need to believe that I'm an addict, stop making excuses and just accept it...I just don't know how...

Nowsthetime

Hello:

Have you looked into incorporating AVRT to your plan?

It has really helped me.

Glad you came back.

patricia68

I've never heard of AVRT. I'm going to look it up. Thank you Nowsthetime.

sleepie

Hi Patricia, that's a familiar and difficult cycle.
it's probably already been said but maybe a medically supervised taper if you are trying to quit benzoes- it's unadvised to go it alone.
I know it's tempting to try and handle these kinds of things on one's own, though I can tell you from experience it is wiser and safer to do so with assistance.

rachelle77

Hello, patricia68.

Terrified of being terrified? Yep, makes sense to me. I mean that I too have experienced that, mostly in high amounts when I was drinking.

You've been able to have two months of sobriety, and that's great! I say get right back in the sober path and add more tools to your recovery tool box.

Difficult situations don't seem to magically go away when we stop drinking, but we can now have the opportunity to use different strategies to cope. I personally know that drinking doesn't help to lessen my anxiety (I have an anxiety disorder), but stopping drinking can help learn different ways to cope and manage life.

I wish you all the best, Patricia! I know you can do this! I sincerely want you to get back to your place of peace.

esinger

If you've paid much attention to posts on this sight not many people make it through without falling off at least once. Not saying it's a definite part of the process but it seems it's more common than not. It's really tough to get through the initial shock to your lifestyle. Once you get over the hump and the more time you get in, you start to wonder why it was so tough. Is clouding reality and making yourself sick really that rewarding? If you really think about it I think you'll realize it's not. Most of us had to pound are heads against the wall a few more times just to make sure it really hurts.
You fell off. Get back on, hold on tight, and try to enjoy the ride.

ScottFromWI

I understand this very well, many here do. What I didn't realize at the time was that alcohol and the daily withdrawals were the cause of the anxiety and panic, "Self medicating" would somehow indicate that the things you are taking are helping...when in truth the exact opposite is happening.

If you are mixing meds with alcohol now you honestly may need to consider a inpatient/medically supervised detox. Have you shared with your therapist the amount you are drinking and the drugs you are taking? That might be a good start.

patricia68

You are so right. It's not.Thank you.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, patricia68; nice to see you.

I second the suggestion of giving RR and AVRT a try (along with daily SR).

I am sorry that you are struggling.

patricia68

I don't think I have the courage to admit that I'm an addict. I couldn't face my family. Right now I'm even struggling to admit it to myself...thank you everybody for being so understanding...

SoberLeigh

Admitting it to yourself is the only thing really matters. I was in solidly denial for too long; finally admitting it and accepting it was a relief and a release from a burdening struggle with myself.

What you admit to others is totally up to you.

myjourney111713

Patricia - welcome back! You have 2 months under your belt...you can do it again. The most important thing is to not stop trying and to get the support you need. Do it differently this time. Figure out what your triggers are and stay away. For me, nighttime after my kids are in bed was always the witching hour. So, I get on SR and post, or I write on my personal blog. It really does help.

The anxiety can be crippling. You deserve a better life than that! We're here to support you.

Is today your Day 1? or perhaps you're starting tomorrow?

Dee74

I agree with Leigh - the only thing that really matters is we admit we have a problem.

you clearly do...so why not make a list of all the things you might do to help yourself...everything from posting more here to seeing your doctor to joining a recovery group like AA or something else, all the way through to inpatient or outpatient rehab....

Pick the easiest of those options and go for it...if you need more, step up a rung to the next thing

D

AnvilheadII

admitting we are an addict only means that we have lost the "luxury" of using drugs/alcohol without consequence. something has happened to us physically and our bodies can no longer assimilate the substances as "normal" folk do. we know how to count to TWO but we simply cannot summon the strength to STOP there.

we are just wired different. THAT is all we have to truly accept. in the same manner as someone with peanut allergy takes every measure possible to avoid ingesting any foods that contain peanuts or were ever prepared near peanuts. as long as they steadfastly avoid that ONE thing, all will be well.

Mags1

Hi Patricia, welcome back.