first post ramblings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
first post ramblings
So, I have been reading this forum for about 4 months and I decided to make my first post based on seeing that “rejected by the reject” thread that the universe seemed to know I needed today.
Basically, I have had to take some drastic measures to end my relationship with my addict/alcoholic boyfriend of almost a year this week and I am having a very hard time coming to terms with it. I had to file a police report to press charges on him for domestic violence, and obtained an emergency order of protection. It scares me that it has come to this and also scares me that there’s no turning back. When asked why I still talk to him or what he adds to my life, I really have no answer because he brings nothing positive to my life. But for some reason I still care for this horribly awful man. My friends and family do not understand, so until I get an appointment with a therapist, I thought I would reach out on here.
Since the abusive incident occurred (no report was made there because of a jerk officer, but that’s a whole other story), I haven’t heard much from him. Immediately after he left me alone in a cop car waiting for my parents to pick me up I received several voicemails from him (I turned my phone off to try to get some sleep that night) that alternated between saying how sorry he was and then being angry that I wasn’t answering my phone. He showed up at my parents’ house where I spent the night, the next morning at 6 am to “explain what happened” but my dad called the cops and ABF left before they arrived. That day I only got one call and one text from him calling my dad all kinds of names for calling the cops. The next day I heard nothing from him at all – even though I would have ignored everything he said or let his calls go to voicemail. It was just weird and unusual given his patterns.
So yesterday, I learned no report was made from Saturday night so I went on my own to make one. His spidey sense must have kicked in because while I was waiting for a trooper to call me back, ABF called me from a number I didn’t recognize. He apologized, said he was arrested the day before because they found drugs on him, and that he was in the waiting room at a detox facility. I didn’t say anything about making a police report. While filing the report, the trooper had me try calling the number he called me from (which he had said was his new cell) and it went straight to voicemail. So I thought maybe he did go to detox – he’s lied to me before about being in detox, even calling me from blocked numbers to convince me he’s at a facility. When I left the police station I received a text from him (spidey sense again?) that simply said something like “I don’t know why I act like this.” That was it. I didn’t respond.
I then went to the courthouse to get an order of protection, which I had to then mail off to the sheriff’s office in his county since we don’t live in the same one. That all happened yesterday, and even now, I have no idea if the police have contacted him or arrested him based on the report I made, or if he has been served the order of protection. So basically, my sick thinking is wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me, since he’s obviously not in detox since he texted hours after he said he was checking in. He doesn’t know he’s not allowed to talk to me, and I really do not want to talk to him. I know nothing he could say would change any of this but it just hurts that he hasn’t reached out to me at all. And that bothers me for some reason that I can’t quite explain. My brain knows this is a good thing but I am not naďve enough to believe he is doing this out of the kindness of his heart for me, knowing that I’m better off if he just left me alone. But my heart hurts because even in active addiction I knew there was still a part of him (the part of him that was still “him”) that did love and care for me. But if he cared for me then why wouldn't he be trying to talk to me. I also worry that I will see him in court in a couple weeks after having not talked to him and he will be looking happier than I have ever seen him, or maybe bring a new gf - SICK SICK thinking on my part, I KNOW. I am all over the place at this point.
I don’t know what my question is, or what the point of all this was other than to just get it out there and off my mind. I absolutely know I can never be with this man again. But going through all the legal stuff just makes it so final. It's almost as if I feel like it would be easier for me to have gone through all that filing and obtaining the order of protection if he was atleast still trying to contact me. It kind of seems like I wasted a day for no reason - which I know is absolutely insane thinking. I guess I was still holding out hope (or a fantasy) that maybe one day we could work it out, or at least I might receive a genuine apology and explanation or clarification of all the lies and questions I still have for him.
I am sorry this is so long, I just wanted to thank everyone out there who’s posts I’ve read and who have helped me more than they know. I have read the stickies, I have researched addiction, I know this is the best decision for me and my future. It just sucks so so much.
Basically, I have had to take some drastic measures to end my relationship with my addict/alcoholic boyfriend of almost a year this week and I am having a very hard time coming to terms with it. I had to file a police report to press charges on him for domestic violence, and obtained an emergency order of protection. It scares me that it has come to this and also scares me that there’s no turning back. When asked why I still talk to him or what he adds to my life, I really have no answer because he brings nothing positive to my life. But for some reason I still care for this horribly awful man. My friends and family do not understand, so until I get an appointment with a therapist, I thought I would reach out on here.
Since the abusive incident occurred (no report was made there because of a jerk officer, but that’s a whole other story), I haven’t heard much from him. Immediately after he left me alone in a cop car waiting for my parents to pick me up I received several voicemails from him (I turned my phone off to try to get some sleep that night) that alternated between saying how sorry he was and then being angry that I wasn’t answering my phone. He showed up at my parents’ house where I spent the night, the next morning at 6 am to “explain what happened” but my dad called the cops and ABF left before they arrived. That day I only got one call and one text from him calling my dad all kinds of names for calling the cops. The next day I heard nothing from him at all – even though I would have ignored everything he said or let his calls go to voicemail. It was just weird and unusual given his patterns.
So yesterday, I learned no report was made from Saturday night so I went on my own to make one. His spidey sense must have kicked in because while I was waiting for a trooper to call me back, ABF called me from a number I didn’t recognize. He apologized, said he was arrested the day before because they found drugs on him, and that he was in the waiting room at a detox facility. I didn’t say anything about making a police report. While filing the report, the trooper had me try calling the number he called me from (which he had said was his new cell) and it went straight to voicemail. So I thought maybe he did go to detox – he’s lied to me before about being in detox, even calling me from blocked numbers to convince me he’s at a facility. When I left the police station I received a text from him (spidey sense again?) that simply said something like “I don’t know why I act like this.” That was it. I didn’t respond.
I then went to the courthouse to get an order of protection, which I had to then mail off to the sheriff’s office in his county since we don’t live in the same one. That all happened yesterday, and even now, I have no idea if the police have contacted him or arrested him based on the report I made, or if he has been served the order of protection. So basically, my sick thinking is wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me, since he’s obviously not in detox since he texted hours after he said he was checking in. He doesn’t know he’s not allowed to talk to me, and I really do not want to talk to him. I know nothing he could say would change any of this but it just hurts that he hasn’t reached out to me at all. And that bothers me for some reason that I can’t quite explain. My brain knows this is a good thing but I am not naďve enough to believe he is doing this out of the kindness of his heart for me, knowing that I’m better off if he just left me alone. But my heart hurts because even in active addiction I knew there was still a part of him (the part of him that was still “him”) that did love and care for me. But if he cared for me then why wouldn't he be trying to talk to me. I also worry that I will see him in court in a couple weeks after having not talked to him and he will be looking happier than I have ever seen him, or maybe bring a new gf - SICK SICK thinking on my part, I KNOW. I am all over the place at this point.
I don’t know what my question is, or what the point of all this was other than to just get it out there and off my mind. I absolutely know I can never be with this man again. But going through all the legal stuff just makes it so final. It's almost as if I feel like it would be easier for me to have gone through all that filing and obtaining the order of protection if he was atleast still trying to contact me. It kind of seems like I wasted a day for no reason - which I know is absolutely insane thinking. I guess I was still holding out hope (or a fantasy) that maybe one day we could work it out, or at least I might receive a genuine apology and explanation or clarification of all the lies and questions I still have for him.
I am sorry this is so long, I just wanted to thank everyone out there who’s posts I’ve read and who have helped me more than they know. I have read the stickies, I have researched addiction, I know this is the best decision for me and my future. It just sucks so so much.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It does hurt, and addiction sucks. No doubt about that.
What you need to understand is that you cannot expect him to call you, or you call him. That would violate the order of protection. Should you ever need one again, good luck getting a judge to take you seriously.
Do Not Talk To Him.
Listen to your head. Keep reading.
Many Hugs!
What you need to understand is that you cannot expect him to call you, or you call him. That would violate the order of protection. Should you ever need one again, good luck getting a judge to take you seriously.
Do Not Talk To Him.
Listen to your head. Keep reading.
Many Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But if he cared for me then why wouldn't he be trying to talk to me.
if he cared for you he would not have committed domestic violence against you and you would not need an order of protection AGAINST HIM.
i think with addiction it's like standing on the shore of Loch Ness and being pretty sure you just saw the head of the Loch Ness Monster peer above the waves and you spend the next ten YEARS of life hoping to spot it again.
did we really SEE what we thought we saw? or was it just a lovely myth that over time we came to believe?
there are no ifs ands or buts about it NOW, you MUST go NO CONTACT and report any attempted contact on his part. you have a legal order that holds you to the agreement as well as him. he hasn't said a single rational thing in any one of his texts or voice mails, just the wide pendulum swings of anger and manipulation.
if he cared for you he would not have committed domestic violence against you and you would not need an order of protection AGAINST HIM.
i think with addiction it's like standing on the shore of Loch Ness and being pretty sure you just saw the head of the Loch Ness Monster peer above the waves and you spend the next ten YEARS of life hoping to spot it again.
did we really SEE what we thought we saw? or was it just a lovely myth that over time we came to believe?
there are no ifs ands or buts about it NOW, you MUST go NO CONTACT and report any attempted contact on his part. you have a legal order that holds you to the agreement as well as him. he hasn't said a single rational thing in any one of his texts or voice mails, just the wide pendulum swings of anger and manipulation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 32
I agree with hopeful4. I'm glad you posted. I've been reading a lot about relationship with people who are addicts and its my personal opinion that with the addict, when we stay through these hardships, it means we have some sort of codependency happening.
I've put a lot through with my ABF and it has been very hard but he had always said that he wanted to build a better life for each other. Being on here has helped me realize that I can't positively say I know who he is because he has always been an addict. He most likely doesn't know who he is himself. Do not talk to him and keep reading posts and focus on yourself.
Best of luck and lots of positive vibes being sent your way.
I've put a lot through with my ABF and it has been very hard but he had always said that he wanted to build a better life for each other. Being on here has helped me realize that I can't positively say I know who he is because he has always been an addict. He most likely doesn't know who he is himself. Do not talk to him and keep reading posts and focus on yourself.
Best of luck and lots of positive vibes being sent your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Oh I know I absolutely CAN'T and WON'T contact him in any way whatsoever. And will report any attempt at contact he tries to make. I am my own worst enemy sometimes and can't get out of my head. I know I have issues with codependency and abandonment and this relationship has definitely brought all that to light. I just got a call back and have an appointment on Friday to start therapy.
The unhealthy part of my brain that's still addicted to him was just trying to make sense of it all. When logically I know there's nothing logical about addiction or his thinking.
After going before a judge and telling her what happened and getting the order of protection - there's no way I'm going back on that. It was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I know I have the strength and courage to do what needs to be done. I just still struggle with the "in between" time and not knowing what is happening. Letting go and trusting my HP is my biggest challenge right now.
The unhealthy part of my brain that's still addicted to him was just trying to make sense of it all. When logically I know there's nothing logical about addiction or his thinking.
After going before a judge and telling her what happened and getting the order of protection - there's no way I'm going back on that. It was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I know I have the strength and courage to do what needs to be done. I just still struggle with the "in between" time and not knowing what is happening. Letting go and trusting my HP is my biggest challenge right now.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Time heals, nutmeg. Hugs to you. Take time to mourn the loss of your relationship and eventually you will be strong enough again to move on.
A lot of us know the pain of the incredibly twisted feelings that breaking up with an addict brings. I'll tell you right now - he is NOT doing better! You've got this! You deserve so very much more. This is your opportunity to get it
stay positive!!!
A lot of us know the pain of the incredibly twisted feelings that breaking up with an addict brings. I'll tell you right now - he is NOT doing better! You've got this! You deserve so very much more. This is your opportunity to get it
stay positive!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
I think what you have done is very brave.
You mentioned that you don't even know if he was served with the order - - often you can go to the county sheriff's website and they have a search function where you can check to see if papers have been served yet. You may want to poke around on it...
You mentioned that you don't even know if he was served with the order - - often you can go to the county sheriff's website and they have a search function where you can check to see if papers have been served yet. You may want to poke around on it...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you. It's hard coming to terms with all this. But I am thankful for the people I know and the resources I've been provided because of them. The order was just delivered to the sheriff today and because of my connections they will call me as soon as they have served him.
I was so embarrassed to ask for help or to share what happened at first but seeing the lengths people I know will go for me to get this taken care of has shown me that there are really great people in this world. People who genuinely want to help without judgement or a hidden agenda.
I just worry about seeing him in court and going through with pressing charges since I know what a master manipulator he is. But I realize that is future tripping and does me no good at this point. I need to just take it one day at a time.
Thanks again for the wisdom shared.
I was so embarrassed to ask for help or to share what happened at first but seeing the lengths people I know will go for me to get this taken care of has shown me that there are really great people in this world. People who genuinely want to help without judgement or a hidden agenda.
I just worry about seeing him in court and going through with pressing charges since I know what a master manipulator he is. But I realize that is future tripping and does me no good at this point. I need to just take it one day at a time.
Thanks again for the wisdom shared.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
The longer you go without contacting him, the stronger you'll become. You need time and distance right now. Figure out your own stuff, take care of yourself, and then you'll be able to look back more clearly and see just how crazy things became when you were with him.
You're doing the right thing. Now you just need to stay strong even though it's breaking your heart.
One thing I did was to make a list of like three things that I really hated about her addiction. Any time I felt like I was getting soft or weak, I pulled out that scrap of paper and got mad again. You need to focus on that stuff and harden yourself before you face him again.
You're doing the right thing. Now you just need to stay strong even though it's breaking your heart.
One thing I did was to make a list of like three things that I really hated about her addiction. Any time I felt like I was getting soft or weak, I pulled out that scrap of paper and got mad again. You need to focus on that stuff and harden yourself before you face him again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
you should not have to see him in court. I never did when I had to request an OOP. Good luck to you, it hurts but life can show you how strong you are becoming thru challenges. Without them, how would we know ?
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