Honshine

Well, I gave the ol alcoholic lover the ultimatum. i don't want to get into the events that led up to it right now it's just irritating.

But it basically ended with me saying

"I gotta go get this birthday party started so feel free to call me if you want to talk about it but I'm just gonna let you know im not doing this anymore if you don't want to stop drinking"

At the time I was like its a more then fair option. Of which he hasn't reaponded too because he likes to blow me off when he's at fault. But now that I'm reading around trying to maintain my stance on the ordeal I'm starting to second guess. Especially since my daughter asked where he was and that she missed him. I obviously know he's not going to do anything but run from the responsibility of even having an option! I knew what he would do before I even said anything so that's not my problem.

The problem is I'm finding I'm half arguing with myself on if it's really fair for me to ask him to choose because he obviously can't. I feel like I just told a little boy with no legs to stand up and walk it off and stop being a chump. :/

AnvilheadII

and what does the OTHER half of you say?

Honshine

He knew what he was doing and he knew I'd be reallllllly not happy about it and did it anyways. Then LIEs and makes excuses and tried to turn it around on me so... F$!% it

FireSprite

I think I'm missing something?

How is he incapable, exactly?

Honshine

But then again we aren't supposed to take it personally. Maybe I'm taking it a bit too personally

Well when he's got a blatant disregard for important special occasions and leaves you with all the hard work theeeen feels the need to try to attend for the sake of not feeling like an anus that's something to take personal

But he can't stop himself. He never intends on these things going down like this. And alcoholic are sick. It's a bit unreasonable of you to ask a sick person to just up and get better.

Then maybe mr sick person should be smart enough to not put himself and I in those situations where that happens.... Alll the time

The kids miss him though

Yup... They miss him because he's 'sick' and doesn't make an effort. Not your fault dude

And so on and so forth.... War zone in muh head >_<

Honshine

Because he's ignorant. He's not really but when crazy has a habit of forgetting it's crazy it screams incapable to me >_<

FireSprite

Honestly, I'd say you're selling him short. He's likely 100x more capable than you can "see" being so close to the situation.

There are far more solutions & resources available to most people than they choose to SEE, but that doesn't make them incapable of seeing them. And if he's used to you making these kinds of allowances for his behavior ~with literally zero effort on his part~ why should he be inclined to change?

Unless he suffers a true handicap or brain disorder that prevents him from being able I don't see why he's any different than any other alcoholic in need of recovery.

AnvilheadII

incapable or UNWILLING?

see sick addicts and alcoholics make the decision to get sober ALL the time, WHILE steeped in their disease. nobody calls rehab on a GOOD day.....

maia1234

All I have to say is don't be like me.... don't waste 34 years accepting unacceptable behavior. I tried and tried and tried to change his behavior, It DOESNT WORK!!!

I was still fighting over the same issues, 5, 10 and 15 years later with an addict. They lie, cheat, steal, and everything else they can to keep themselves happy.

Run and run fast my friend, it can only get worse and it will.

Honshine

He's not any different. He's text book for the most part. I just feel I'm too hard on him sometimes.

firebolt

You are worried that giving him an ultimatum is unfair to him.

I am guessing you gave him the ultimatum because of what is fair TO YOU.

YOU, my dear, should be more important to you than he is. It is his sickness that is unfair - to him and to you. You both can leave it at anytime. Your ultimatum suggests that you are more ready than he is. Strength, peace and clarity to you!

BClare

"... run from the responsibility of even having an option"

wow. I've never heard it put exactly like this before, but it's SO true.

Honshine

Yeah. You're all right. He's completely capable. He's not an infant and he knoooows knows knows he has a problem. Then cries (not to me thoooough he's too proud for all that) because I hurt his feelings. Then I'm the bad guy. He takes off. I say nothing. Doesn't say anything for a week. Missed our anniversary. Three days later on our sons birthday he messages me saying happy anniversary and happy birthday son. I finally got an interview. I just wrote lol. Then his sister says he's asking her to take him to the party. That he was supposed to help me with but didn't. I told her no way. I'm upset with him. Then i call him. He plays it off like nothing's even happened. He's been drunk for a week partying with other drinks. I know this for a fact. Then he's like are you having a party for him?.......

Well hello?!!!? He knew this the whole time. So I say why? And he's like so I can... Be there?
And I'm like well what if I dont want u there?
Then he gets really crappy blah blah blah it's all long and drawn out but I gave him the option. I tried to talk to him after that and offered to pick him up but that we were gonna discuss the issue and he says "I don't see why there's an issue in just trying to get a job" ........ While at his drunk ass family's house.... Mean while the jobs are calling me cuz no one can get ahold of him. Because he's not there. Just a long list of excuses and avoidances. So that's what led up to me dealing the ultimatum. Which I've avoided for a good long while because I don't like ultimatums since he's so predictable.

AnvilheadII

oh good grief, did you troll the middle school to get this champ? cuz he sure sounds about 13.............

Honshine

Lmao

Honshine

yeah. Seriously. So I don't understand why I'm having such a time with this. Granted ive gotten alooooot better then I used to be but still. I just caught myself about to message him. Since he hasn't reaponded to ye olde ultimatum. Which was Monday.

SparkleKitty

Silence in the aftermath of an ultimatum IS a response. I very much doubt he's spent the last two days mulling over the pros and cons.

Honshine

No. He's more then likely not. I guess I should probably just block him and get it over with :/

firebolt

Because you are human - with feelings. He can drink his bad feelings away, we cannot expect more from them than this.

The end of a relationship, seeing that it is a dead end, and the loss of a dream is HARD for anyone that must go through the process of feeling it. He just doesn't have to. He is avoiding pain in his unhealthy way. Your ultimatum is your body's response to wanting to do the same thing, but in a healthy fashion.

AnvilheadII

even tho ultimatums are an EITHER OR proposition (Shape Up OR Ship Out; Fish or Cut Bait), our bets are on the option before the OR. we WANT them to do this thing we ask because we DO love them and WANT to be with them but their idiosyncrasies and habits have become a huge barrier. We want to yell Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!!!!

and then they go and mess it all up by taking door #3..............