In laws as mediators??
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In laws as mediators??
I really need opinions please?
My ah and I separated 6 weeks ago. He left, I haven't coped great, cue lots of late night texts. Some desperate, some angry, some super kind. You get the gist. He basically ignores all of them. But his parents send me an email telling me to stop and he can't cope with my emotional issues. The call me a "raving mad woman", and throw a few not so nice insults my way. All untrue, obviously from a lie they've been told by my ah.
Anyway, they also say that if I agree, they want me to go through them with arrangements about our two boys. Basically according to them he doesn't want contact at all, even about our children. I said I'd think about it after hearing that straight from him. He's due to pick the boys up tomorrow morning so my stomach is in knots worrying that he's going to agree with what his parents have said.
I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, zero contact would help me to move on, but I don't think they are the best people to go through, considering their feelings toward me. And is it the best thing for him to give up every one of his responsibilities towards his children? I'm already aware that on the weekends he has the boys, his family take care of them most of the time, not him. What would you do?
My ah and I separated 6 weeks ago. He left, I haven't coped great, cue lots of late night texts. Some desperate, some angry, some super kind. You get the gist. He basically ignores all of them. But his parents send me an email telling me to stop and he can't cope with my emotional issues. The call me a "raving mad woman", and throw a few not so nice insults my way. All untrue, obviously from a lie they've been told by my ah.
Anyway, they also say that if I agree, they want me to go through them with arrangements about our two boys. Basically according to them he doesn't want contact at all, even about our children. I said I'd think about it after hearing that straight from him. He's due to pick the boys up tomorrow morning so my stomach is in knots worrying that he's going to agree with what his parents have said.
I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, zero contact would help me to move on, but I don't think they are the best people to go through, considering their feelings toward me. And is it the best thing for him to give up every one of his responsibilities towards his children? I'm already aware that on the weekends he has the boys, his family take care of them most of the time, not him. What would you do?
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Those are my gut feelings too. I'm going to hear him out in the morning and tell him I'll think on it for the weekend. If he says he wants to go through his parents as go betweens in future, I'll use the weekend to research my options.
I don't want to come across as just being difficult but it obviously wouldn't work would it? Maybe the mention of a court appointed mediator will change his opinion anyway.
His parents are so controlling, I can imagine his mum half enjoying having her little boy back in her nest. And enjoying being able to control him while he is down. Oh man this whole thing is just a nightmare.
I don't want to come across as just being difficult but it obviously wouldn't work would it? Maybe the mention of a court appointed mediator will change his opinion anyway.
His parents are so controlling, I can imagine his mum half enjoying having her little boy back in her nest. And enjoying being able to control him while he is down. Oh man this whole thing is just a nightmare.
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Originally Posted by emzyp 
His parents are so controlling, I can imagine his mum half enjoying having her little boy back in her nest. And enjoying being able to control him while he is down. Oh man this whole thing is just a nightmare.
Save those emails from them in case you need them down the line to prove that they aren't capable of staying neutral (as a mediator should be). Insulting you & name calling is immature & illustrates how they are responding emotionally, not with the best interest of all parties involved (kids!!).
Protect yourself, get an attorney! I can't imagine anyone advising you to agree to this.
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Just to clarify, was it you or him sending the desperate, angry, and super kind late night texts? It sounds like a mediator might be best for both of you, even if not his parents. That sounds exhausting, whether it's you or him doing the texting.
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I am the texter. He is trying to ignore my existence. I've made the decision to stop that though. It's just loneliness and desparation that causes me to do it. I understand them telling me I need to stop that part.
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I also say: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
It sounds like you give sooo much of your power away to these people (your husband and his family).
You have got to get some people "on your side"!! (we are on your side, by the way).
I'm talking about a counselor and a lawyer and going to alanon--if only to sit an listen. You need your value acknowledged--your feelings validated and to be heard.
These people are not your parents--you are not their dependent child.
He is not your superior. He is not your father. He is not your jailor or the decider of all that is "right" or "wrong.
Hon....if you lay down like a doormat--people will wipe their feet on you.
That is a fact.
It sounds like they have taken care of him all these years and are continuing to take care of all of his responsibilities. They are enabling to the hilt. My guess is that they took care of you--as you put it --as long as you were by his side and enabling him, also. Not that that gig is up--they are shifting a lot of blame on to you---and believing every word out of his mouth that heaps mountains of blame on to you. Classic blame-shifting...to make himself look innocent.
You aren't helping your own cause by the e-mails, either...even though it is understandable that you have these feelings. The problem is---that people will look at just that behavior and label you as "crazy", rather than look at the truth of the whole situation.
Hon--you have go t to start learning how to draw boundaries to protect yourself from these people. (that is the help that you will get her and from alanon and US, of course...lol)
dandylion
It sounds like you give sooo much of your power away to these people (your husband and his family).
You have got to get some people "on your side"!! (we are on your side, by the way).
I'm talking about a counselor and a lawyer and going to alanon--if only to sit an listen. You need your value acknowledged--your feelings validated and to be heard.
These people are not your parents--you are not their dependent child.
He is not your superior. He is not your father. He is not your jailor or the decider of all that is "right" or "wrong.
Hon....if you lay down like a doormat--people will wipe their feet on you.
That is a fact.
It sounds like they have taken care of him all these years and are continuing to take care of all of his responsibilities. They are enabling to the hilt. My guess is that they took care of you--as you put it --as long as you were by his side and enabling him, also. Not that that gig is up--they are shifting a lot of blame on to you---and believing every word out of his mouth that heaps mountains of blame on to you. Classic blame-shifting...to make himself look innocent.
You aren't helping your own cause by the e-mails, either...even though it is understandable that you have these feelings. The problem is---that people will look at just that behavior and label you as "crazy", rather than look at the truth of the whole situation.
Hon--you have go t to start learning how to draw boundaries to protect yourself from these people. (that is the help that you will get her and from alanon and US, of course...lol)
dandylion
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E- IMO, Its really not about the "parents", its about you, your child and your significant other. What they want and what he wants are probably 2 different things. He went from a controlling wife and now to controlling parents, who are enabling him. I am sorry to insinuate that you are controlling but they said "raving mad woman".
I know you might find that a terrible comment and insulted. But I was totally raving mad when I was married to my XAH. I was so out of control and had no idea I was. Please don't take it wrong but I think that you need to reach out to an alanon meeting and educating yourself about alcoholism. You need to take charge of your life and calm it down, deep breaths. Your child doesn't need two crazies in his life.
With the issue of him visiting on the weekends, unless you have a divorce decree stating he deserves custody, I would not bring him over there. His parents have really no say in the matter. This of course is not legal bound, but you have been around enough, you know if he is a "good" Dad. Just because the in-laws want DS, forget it. The father is the one who is suppose to be spending time with him, not them. They say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest!! Hugs my friend!!
I know you might find that a terrible comment and insulted. But I was totally raving mad when I was married to my XAH. I was so out of control and had no idea I was. Please don't take it wrong but I think that you need to reach out to an alanon meeting and educating yourself about alcoholism. You need to take charge of your life and calm it down, deep breaths. Your child doesn't need two crazies in his life.
With the issue of him visiting on the weekends, unless you have a divorce decree stating he deserves custody, I would not bring him over there. His parents have really no say in the matter. This of course is not legal bound, but you have been around enough, you know if he is a "good" Dad. Just because the in-laws want DS, forget it. The father is the one who is suppose to be spending time with him, not them. They say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest!! Hugs my friend!!
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You're so right dandelion. I've come to many realisations the last few days. Really I feel more in control of myself and my life. I'm not going to degrade myself by sending countless emails or messages any more. I don't even want him back as he is, I just do it to get a reply. Which doesn't happen, he's obviously worked it out hasn't he. Ignore me and I'll go away, and he's right!
I will not bend to their will, I am going to arm myself with knowledge, so I can be confident when I stand up to them.
Agree that they are enabling. The last two months I've made efforts to stop him drinking, really begged him, put him on a detox programme. They've belittled the issue the whole time, feeding it, handing him a drink whenever we went round. His mum even gave him her strong pain killers knowing full well that her was only taking them to feel high.
And now, he's left his family, broken my heart with his revelations and they are labeling me the villain! Telling me they're desperately worried about him, when a few months ago he tried telling them he felt suicidal and they never took him seriously! It makes me feel sick. I've been trying single handedly to help him the whole time and now I'm being pushed to one side and even blamed for it.
I will not bend to their will, I am going to arm myself with knowledge, so I can be confident when I stand up to them.
Agree that they are enabling. The last two months I've made efforts to stop him drinking, really begged him, put him on a detox programme. They've belittled the issue the whole time, feeding it, handing him a drink whenever we went round. His mum even gave him her strong pain killers knowing full well that her was only taking them to feel high.
And now, he's left his family, broken my heart with his revelations and they are labeling me the villain! Telling me they're desperately worried about him, when a few months ago he tried telling them he felt suicidal and they never took him seriously! It makes me feel sick. I've been trying single handedly to help him the whole time and now I'm being pushed to one side and even blamed for it.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
E- IMO, Its really not about the "parents", its about you, your child and your significant other. What they want and what he wants are probably 2 different things. He went from a controlling wife and now to controlling parents, who are enabling him. I am sorry to insinuate that you are controlling but they said "raving mad woman".
I know you might find that a terrible comment and insulted. But I was totally raving mad when I was married to my XAH. I was so out of control and had no idea I was. Please don't take it wrong but I think that you need to reach out to an alanon meeting and educating yourself about alcoholism. You need to take charge of your life and calm it down, deep breaths. Your child doesn't need two crazies in his life.
With the issue of him visiting on the weekends, unless you have a divorce decree stating he deserves custody, I would not bring him over there. His parents have really no say in the matter. This of course is not legal bound, but you have been around enough, you know if he is a "good" Dad. Just because the in-laws want DS, forget it. The father is the one who is suppose to be spending time with him, not them. They say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest!! Hugs my friend!!
I know you might find that a terrible comment and insulted. But I was totally raving mad when I was married to my XAH. I was so out of control and had no idea I was. Please don't take it wrong but I think that you need to reach out to an alanon meeting and educating yourself about alcoholism. You need to take charge of your life and calm it down, deep breaths. Your child doesn't need two crazies in his life.
With the issue of him visiting on the weekends, unless you have a divorce decree stating he deserves custody, I would not bring him over there. His parents have really no say in the matter. This of course is not legal bound, but you have been around enough, you know if he is a "good" Dad. Just because the in-laws want DS, forget it. The father is the one who is suppose to be spending time with him, not them. They say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest!! Hugs my friend!!
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emzyp....I am sure that this has rocked your world...and, I am also glad that you are able to step back to see what is going on. That takes courage.
You will come to find out that you are soo much stronger than you ever thought!
Give it time....and, the parents are going to grow tired of him, also. They probably figured that as ong as he was living with you---that being :married" would straighten him out. I am guessing that they are angry that he is back on their doorstep, right now. And, they, also, don't even see themselves as enabling.
But.....you know what---that is not your problem, any more. His problems are his and their family problems are theirs. That is all on their side of the street, now.
You have all you can handle o n your side of the street!
Just keep it up....you will be o.k.
dandylion
You will come to find out that you are soo much stronger than you ever thought!
Give it time....and, the parents are going to grow tired of him, also. They probably figured that as ong as he was living with you---that being :married" would straighten him out. I am guessing that they are angry that he is back on their doorstep, right now. And, they, also, don't even see themselves as enabling.
But.....you know what---that is not your problem, any more. His problems are his and their family problems are theirs. That is all on their side of the street, now.
You have all you can handle o n your side of the street!
Just keep it up....you will be o.k.
dandylion
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Its very funny that you say the parents will grow tired of the A. My xmil told me a couple months ago the my XAH was healthy and happy. In one of my conversations with A, I told him what she said. He looked at me like I was crazy. He goes "what does my mom know about me?" He was laughing at the comment. Needless to say he cried multiple times last night because he is struggling with his job. He is by no means happy.
They say A's will always find someone else to enable them. E- you need to go to some meetings and keep reading SR. You can learn so much from the people on all the forums, alcoholic, and new to recovery. Try and read as much as you can. Then the craziness in your life will slowly calm down.
They say A's will always find someone else to enable them. E- you need to go to some meetings and keep reading SR. You can learn so much from the people on all the forums, alcoholic, and new to recovery. Try and read as much as you can. Then the craziness in your life will slowly calm down.
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Maybe the mention of a court appointed mediator will change his opinion anyway.
Hi Tia, do not assume that your AH is thinking straight. Sensible, rational, emotionally mature words from you will be lost on him. His brain is pickled in alcohol!! In your situation, I definitely wouldn't mention anything about courts. It could enrage him. Stay quiet on that one.
The most vulnerable people in your heart-rending situation are the 2 children. It is essential for you to meet with a solicitor/ legal professional because you will be a single parent with responsibility for your 2 children for quite a time to come. It's good that maintenance is arranged but you absolutely must get hold of an attorney in double quick time and don't agree anything with your parents-in-law at the moment. Withdraw into your own world and set up lots of support for yourself by turning to your own family and friends.
......and keep posting so that you get the benefit of all the support of this Forum.
The most vulnerable people in your heart-rending situation are the 2 children. It is essential for you to meet with a solicitor/ legal professional because you will be a single parent with responsibility for your 2 children for quite a time to come. It's good that maintenance is arranged but you absolutely must get hold of an attorney in double quick time and don't agree anything with your parents-in-law at the moment. Withdraw into your own world and set up lots of support for yourself by turning to your own family and friends.
......and keep posting so that you get the benefit of all the support of this Forum.
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This is preposterous.
There shouldn't be any thinking about this. NO WAY. He is going to need to get his panties out of the wad they are in an grow up a little. If he is in no state to take care of the kids, or needs space, or whatever it is his 'issues" are you are his wife. He is going to need to man up and communicate that with you.
Your children together are there for life. Establishing his parents as the "mediators" (Laugh out LOUD) is only setting yourself up for a lifetime of dealing with them having power over you, and your children. Stop this before it starts. Perhaps tomorrow you can establish boundaries with him in dealing with the children. In fact I would make it very clear that if he cannot, at the very least, text you regarding the kids then you will get a court appointed mediator.
I am glad you have stopped texting him. Now is the time to establish these co-parenting rules.
I would also tell him to give his mommy a message to kiss my a**, and not to contact me. Ever. They sound like the nightmare crazy people.
There shouldn't be any thinking about this. NO WAY. He is going to need to get his panties out of the wad they are in an grow up a little. If he is in no state to take care of the kids, or needs space, or whatever it is his 'issues" are you are his wife. He is going to need to man up and communicate that with you.
Your children together are there for life. Establishing his parents as the "mediators" (Laugh out LOUD) is only setting yourself up for a lifetime of dealing with them having power over you, and your children. Stop this before it starts. Perhaps tomorrow you can establish boundaries with him in dealing with the children. In fact I would make it very clear that if he cannot, at the very least, text you regarding the kids then you will get a court appointed mediator.
I am glad you have stopped texting him. Now is the time to establish these co-parenting rules.
I would also tell him to give his mommy a message to kiss my a**, and not to contact me. Ever. They sound like the nightmare crazy people.
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I dunno, I have a slightly different spin on this. You acknowledge sending "lots of late night texts. Some desperate, some angry, some super kind. You get the gist. He basically ignores all of them. But his parents send me an email telling me to stop and he can't cope with my emotional issues."
If the shoe were on the other foot, we'd probably be advising YOU to go no contact and see if it were possible to have intermediaries (such as your parents or other family/friends) make arrangements for the exchanges.
I don't know HOW over-the-top the number and content of your late-night texts may have been, but if they were obviously distressing to him, that might have provoked the response from his folks.
Given the tension everyone is under right now, however, having his parents act as intermediaries might not be the best solution. If you feel you can restrain yourself from continued communications on anything BUT the kids, and if you can be civil about it--promising to knock off the texting--maybe you two can communicate directly. Or you could utilize one of those websites that cater to divorced parents who need to communicate regarding the kids in a safe way. I forget the names of the sites, but there are a few people here who have successfully used them.
If the shoe were on the other foot, we'd probably be advising YOU to go no contact and see if it were possible to have intermediaries (such as your parents or other family/friends) make arrangements for the exchanges.
I don't know HOW over-the-top the number and content of your late-night texts may have been, but if they were obviously distressing to him, that might have provoked the response from his folks.
Given the tension everyone is under right now, however, having his parents act as intermediaries might not be the best solution. If you feel you can restrain yourself from continued communications on anything BUT the kids, and if you can be civil about it--promising to knock off the texting--maybe you two can communicate directly. Or you could utilize one of those websites that cater to divorced parents who need to communicate regarding the kids in a safe way. I forget the names of the sites, but there are a few people here who have successfully used them.
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I agree you have to tone the tenor of the conversations back to something more reasonable, and while the parents may (or may not) have good intentions here, they are the inappropriate people to mediate anything, period.
You are free to say no to their suggestion without defending yourself or being talked into it. Your ex, if he wants to see his kids, will have to do some talking with you. As grandparents, they don't have any legal rights to see the grandchildren unless they get them through a court of law, but that's expensive and costly. They might bully you and tell you otherwise.
All you can control here is you. You have the power to take a step back, make good decisions, and give yourself the time and space to make up your mind about what you will and won't do moving forward. It's good to have boundaries. You can explain to the grandparents that you won't be discussing your parenting with them, regardless of what your ex does. OR, if you want to, as I did when my XAH went into rehab, I asked the grandparents if they wanted to see DD4 for a few hours here and there while I ran errands. They were very helpful and genial about that, even though we disagreed with one another's methods, opinions, and about the facts of what happened between me and XAH.
There's no right or wrong way here. You can do whatever you want.
You are free to say no to their suggestion without defending yourself or being talked into it. Your ex, if he wants to see his kids, will have to do some talking with you. As grandparents, they don't have any legal rights to see the grandchildren unless they get them through a court of law, but that's expensive and costly. They might bully you and tell you otherwise.
All you can control here is you. You have the power to take a step back, make good decisions, and give yourself the time and space to make up your mind about what you will and won't do moving forward. It's good to have boundaries. You can explain to the grandparents that you won't be discussing your parenting with them, regardless of what your ex does. OR, if you want to, as I did when my XAH went into rehab, I asked the grandparents if they wanted to see DD4 for a few hours here and there while I ran errands. They were very helpful and genial about that, even though we disagreed with one another's methods, opinions, and about the facts of what happened between me and XAH.
There's no right or wrong way here. You can do whatever you want.
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