quietsins

The last two months i have spent with the A of my life. Staying at his house. My daughter spent the summer at her grandmas. All of that.. and in two months... two outbursts and out of control drinking nights.

Well, the A wants me and my daughter to move in. To close up my house and move in with him and his son. Get married this spring, build a new home together.. on and on and on. The whole nine yards.

Wow. talk about not knowing what to do. Alanon says we can work our program and be fine. Alanon says to forgive. To take one day at a time. To not project a bad outcome. To believe in Gods guiding hand.

On the pessimistic side... God also gave me a daughter to look after. And although she says she wouldnt mind moving in with them. Its not the deepest darkest part of winter when the A usually twigs out. Its also going to be impossible to move home should something go wrong in the dead of winter. I am sitting in the edge of probably a very life altering decision.

Prayers are in the works almost constantly. I find myself reciting the serenity prayer in my sleep. Wow. I have about a month to make up my mind. A leap of faith? A short walk off a steep cliff? Anyone have any wisdom? I would enjoy it.

Thanks,
quietsins

redrose0729

I will pray God leads you in the right direction. I wish I had some good advice for you. If you are unsure of whether or not to marry him then maybe you might want to hold off untill you are sure. I would also look for a job in that area so that if you need to move out then you will have income to support yourself and your daughter. I would have money on the side just in case I need to move out. I have always been told never put all your eggs in one basket and that is good advice. I would make myself and my child/children the first priority and make sure that is what is going to be taken care of no matter what... Best of luck to you and many prayers.
Rose

quietsins

Thanks Rose,

Actually we only live 15 miles apart.. and i have a great career so i dont have to worry about that part of it at all. its just... pondering and worrying that the past may come back to haunt me.. and yet.. wanting to remember to take my own inventory and not his.. and to mind my own business... such contradictory advice in some ways.. because his decisions will affect me and my daughter. know what i mean?

quietsins

TinyVoice

so you stayed with A this summer and there were two out of control drinking nights? why did daughter stay at grammas so long?? the reason I ask is this.... let's see if I can communicate it properly.

I was very in love with my ASO (and still am) and I wanted to be with him. But I was truly only happy with him when it was just me and him. Not when my daughters were around. I don't know if that has to do with his drinking or not. He was a very rough guy with a sensitive side. I felt taht I understood and could forgive his faults and his drinking, but my kids could not understand it. They said they liked him and his vices didn't matter to them.

But somehow when the four of us were together there was a tension. I am not sure if it was ME and in my head. Or if there is something to this. I loved his rough side. I found it exciting. I found it macho. We were like two teenagers in love. The dynamics were good when it was he and I. But when it was the four of us....it didn't work so well.

How about the dynamics with your SO, you and your daughter (and does HE have a child?). There were lots of issues with my SO's children and mine. His were raised completely different from mine and I think had lots of issues because of growing up with him drinking so heavily. there were lots of hurt feelings and a TON of insecurities in my SO and his children.

Just some food for thought. My kids survived my relationship wtih my ASO. But I think just barely. We were together a year. And he just recently moved out. I am breathing a huge sigh of relief and still shedding a few tears behind my closed bedroom door. I wish I could wave a magic wand over him and take away the a-ism. Maybe it would have helped?? It's so hard to gage...cause it was always there. Really.....I am not sure I really know HIM.

TinyVoice

how do his son and your daugher get along? what ages?

i found taht my SO's son was a very unhealthy person with lots of issues. A sweet guy, very funny, very sensitive but very insecure and suffering from a-ism himself. He acted very inappropriately toward one of my daughters. It scared the crap out of me. I forbid him to come to my house any more. The excuse was that he was supposedly very immature. Yea, but how many 22 YO men hang out with a 12 YO girl. It was just creeping me out.

I jsut found taht my ASO just came with way too many suitcases of excess baggage. And I had plenty of my own. Just another thought worth mentioning.

Magichappens

Hey quietsins,
I know about having big decisions. I use the pray, share, wait, and listen method. Unless I have a clear direction, I don't move forward. I may miss some opportunities, but I don't make half baked decisions too much any more. Hugs, Magic

Zoey

Please go slow. Have you read ALL these posts??
Does he admit a problem?? Do you go to Al-Anon??
Sorry if I missed the answers to those questions.
Take care HUGS clancy46

cwohio

quietsins

there was a thread that cadence posted about intuition. i'm with clancy - take it slow!

hugs - cwohio

quietsins

if we went any slower we would move backward....lol and sometimes i think we do just that. his son is 12 my daughter is 15 and they get along great. i like the think share and take your time idea.... thanks

givingup

I think sometimes we form attachments to As because we get a rush from all the adrenaline that is produced. But As are basically selfish people and for some reason, that also makes them great lovers and who isn't attracted to that. I married my A and found myself also spending less and less time with my children. I didn't want them around all the excesses of our life - fighting, making up, fighting some more. I really regret that.

I do think that we were the walking wounded, trying to hold each other up. We weren't even capable of taking care of our own hurts let alone caring for anothers.
Two halves don't make a whole in this case. Only two wholes can do that.

Hope you take all the time you need in order to make the decision that is right for you and your daughter.

quietsins

i think i have come to a decision. i am going to move in with him. we are both children of god. we have kids who are close like brother and sister. i have a strong program and both kids have the basics of alateen (we dont have a program for that up here). i love him and just as he has flaws best left to God to judge. so do i.

wish us luck.

ps. i wasnt born yesterday... so i am keeping an out (just in case) "wink"