Feeling lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
Feeling lost
Hi there. I'll pose my question, then the story: do I just walk away?
Almost 2 years ago, thanks to social media, I became reaquainted with a lady I went to school with for most of our academic careers. We knew each other, but weren't "friends" because of my own introvertedness. There was about 2 decades between school and getting back in touch. She lives about 2 hours from me. After a couple of months of chatting online, talking on the phone, we decided to go out. Long story short: I think she's perfect (obviously, I know she isn't, but you get my jist.) We were in love and happy. She told me early on she was recovering, so I never drank in her presence (she told me I didn't need to do that, but I did). I do, however, take Adderall. One day, when I was heading back home, she asked me for 1 because she had a heavy course load, plus work and her kids. Reluctantly, I gave it to her. She called shortly after crying that she had been so weak as to ask for it. I told her to flush it, and she said she did. Over the course of 10 months, she became distant. We still saw each other and such, but she stopped the little things she had previously done. One day I noticed I was running out of my pills about a week and a half early. I figured my kid was taking them, so I just stopped getting them. Shortly thereafter, she became too busy and said we should cool it, even going so far as to say some pretty ugly things. She invited me over once in the last quarter of last year. Then once in January. We would talk, and she would tell me that while it was none of my business and that I hadn't asked, she wanted me to know she was not seeing anyone, and also made clear that wasn't an invitation. I thought really hard about sending her valentines flowers, but didn't. She invited me over a week after that and said I should have. Same "I'm not seeing any one, I just really missed you." Then one day in March she invites me over. She won't get near me facing me. When I finally asked her about it, she said it was because she had been drinking and didn't want me to smell it. This is when she also owned up to having taken my Adderall. Even more than that, to the point that she was emptying my capsules and putting sugar back in them. Over the next few months she or her parents would call me to come because they were fighting and for some reason when I was there it would be calm. Finally last month she told me point blank to leave her alone. "I don't want your prayers or your thoughts, just leave me alone." 2 weeks ago she called me begging for help to stop drinking. So I went, with the understanding we were going to detox. When I got there, she was asleep. Her parents told me she had gone to detox 2 days ago and lied to them (told them it had been weeks since she drank, while she was drunk) and they wouldn't take her. The next day, an AA friend took her to the hospital. While the friend was out of the room, she pulled the iv and disappeared. Showed up back at home in a cab drunk as a skunk. That was the day before I got there. She woke up about 5:30am to get a drink. At 8 she asked me to help her son get ready for school and she left on foot to get alcohol. By the time she got back, she passed out on her bed, completely limp. She refused to go to detox or the ER, so I came home. The next 2 days were "why didn't you stay? you're my best friend, you're supposed to help me". The 2nd day of that was my first AlAnon meeting (a week ago today). When I came out, she had called 7 times in that hour. She was crying, wanted me to come help, but wouldn't tell me what help was. Finally she asked me to call an ambulance, which I did. When it got there, she refused to go and had the paramedic tell me to stop calling her. The next night she was crying that her daughter was being so mean to her that she wanted to just lay down and die. That was the last time I heard from her. Thursday I texted once. No response. Friday I texted once. No response. Saturday I called her mother and she told me she had been in detox since Thursday. Sunday her mom called and told me they were picking her up Monday and she would be in outpatient treatment. The first text I get from her was today and it said that my texts (1 per day checking on her) were "inappropriate and objectionable" and that I should "cease and desist." I asked her "what are you talking about?" And her response was "never contact me again."
Her best friend (we've known her since jr high and she and I have been talking through the last few weeks) told me she thinks she is still in love with me, but also that I shouldn't put up with the way she's been treating me since she started drinking again. I love her very much, and her kids as well. So, there is where my question comes in.
Almost 2 years ago, thanks to social media, I became reaquainted with a lady I went to school with for most of our academic careers. We knew each other, but weren't "friends" because of my own introvertedness. There was about 2 decades between school and getting back in touch. She lives about 2 hours from me. After a couple of months of chatting online, talking on the phone, we decided to go out. Long story short: I think she's perfect (obviously, I know she isn't, but you get my jist.) We were in love and happy. She told me early on she was recovering, so I never drank in her presence (she told me I didn't need to do that, but I did). I do, however, take Adderall. One day, when I was heading back home, she asked me for 1 because she had a heavy course load, plus work and her kids. Reluctantly, I gave it to her. She called shortly after crying that she had been so weak as to ask for it. I told her to flush it, and she said she did. Over the course of 10 months, she became distant. We still saw each other and such, but she stopped the little things she had previously done. One day I noticed I was running out of my pills about a week and a half early. I figured my kid was taking them, so I just stopped getting them. Shortly thereafter, she became too busy and said we should cool it, even going so far as to say some pretty ugly things. She invited me over once in the last quarter of last year. Then once in January. We would talk, and she would tell me that while it was none of my business and that I hadn't asked, she wanted me to know she was not seeing anyone, and also made clear that wasn't an invitation. I thought really hard about sending her valentines flowers, but didn't. She invited me over a week after that and said I should have. Same "I'm not seeing any one, I just really missed you." Then one day in March she invites me over. She won't get near me facing me. When I finally asked her about it, she said it was because she had been drinking and didn't want me to smell it. This is when she also owned up to having taken my Adderall. Even more than that, to the point that she was emptying my capsules and putting sugar back in them. Over the next few months she or her parents would call me to come because they were fighting and for some reason when I was there it would be calm. Finally last month she told me point blank to leave her alone. "I don't want your prayers or your thoughts, just leave me alone." 2 weeks ago she called me begging for help to stop drinking. So I went, with the understanding we were going to detox. When I got there, she was asleep. Her parents told me she had gone to detox 2 days ago and lied to them (told them it had been weeks since she drank, while she was drunk) and they wouldn't take her. The next day, an AA friend took her to the hospital. While the friend was out of the room, she pulled the iv and disappeared. Showed up back at home in a cab drunk as a skunk. That was the day before I got there. She woke up about 5:30am to get a drink. At 8 she asked me to help her son get ready for school and she left on foot to get alcohol. By the time she got back, she passed out on her bed, completely limp. She refused to go to detox or the ER, so I came home. The next 2 days were "why didn't you stay? you're my best friend, you're supposed to help me". The 2nd day of that was my first AlAnon meeting (a week ago today). When I came out, she had called 7 times in that hour. She was crying, wanted me to come help, but wouldn't tell me what help was. Finally she asked me to call an ambulance, which I did. When it got there, she refused to go and had the paramedic tell me to stop calling her. The next night she was crying that her daughter was being so mean to her that she wanted to just lay down and die. That was the last time I heard from her. Thursday I texted once. No response. Friday I texted once. No response. Saturday I called her mother and she told me she had been in detox since Thursday. Sunday her mom called and told me they were picking her up Monday and she would be in outpatient treatment. The first text I get from her was today and it said that my texts (1 per day checking on her) were "inappropriate and objectionable" and that I should "cease and desist." I asked her "what are you talking about?" And her response was "never contact me again."
Her best friend (we've known her since jr high and she and I have been talking through the last few weeks) told me she thinks she is still in love with me, but also that I shouldn't put up with the way she's been treating me since she started drinking again. I love her very much, and her kids as well. So, there is where my question comes in.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 13
Just my opinion, but if someone asks you to "cease and desist contact" you should do just that.
Keep going to Alanon, it will help you get through this. There's also a wealth of information here on SR; I highly recommend you read through the "Classic" posts.
Keep going to Alanon, it will help you get through this. There's also a wealth of information here on SR; I highly recommend you read through the "Classic" posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
If she actually said " cease and desist". You better. That's code for I am going to make this a legal issue if you don't leave me alone. For now focus on your Al-Anon and get your head straight. Let her family and recovery friends take care of her. If she is serious about recovery she won't blame you or hate you for not getting involved when she told you to stop contacting her.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, if she asks you to leave her alone, do so. And, frankly, if she changes her mind and calls you, begging and pleading, I'd stay OFF the crazy-train. She's got a lousy track record and you have a life you could be living.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi BMFD, frankly she's doing you a big favour telling you to cease and desist. I don't doubt for a moment she'll be contacting you again at some point, all sorry and wanting your support. Please run away as fast as you can.
You must know that the only future for you in this relationship is more pain and turmoil. You've become emotionally attached, but you can't help her or her children no matter how much you want to.
If you can block her calls and concentrate on your own life and recovery (from the relationship) you will start to get some perspective on how sick this all is.
You must know that the only future for you in this relationship is more pain and turmoil. You've become emotionally attached, but you can't help her or her children no matter how much you want to.
If you can block her calls and concentrate on your own life and recovery (from the relationship) you will start to get some perspective on how sick this all is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Cease and Desist - NEVER contact me again.
pretty clear. this woman has a boatload of problems and in a short term has SHOWN you what she is about. volatile, active addiction, unstable. i'd stay away, WAY far away, unless you want to find yourself slapped with a harassment order or restraining order of some sort.
pretty clear. this woman has a boatload of problems and in a short term has SHOWN you what she is about. volatile, active addiction, unstable. i'd stay away, WAY far away, unless you want to find yourself slapped with a harassment order or restraining order of some sort.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Buryme, I know how confusing and hurtful this must be for you. In my humble opinion she's just done you a huge favor by asking you to stay away. It's probably the kindest thing that she's capable of doing right now.
If you read around on this board you'll see how heartbreaking it can be to remain involved with an active addict/alcoholic. You have an opportunity to spare yourself so much misery. Use this chance wisely and go make a happy life for yourself.
If you read around on this board you'll see how heartbreaking it can be to remain involved with an active addict/alcoholic. You have an opportunity to spare yourself so much misery. Use this chance wisely and go make a happy life for yourself.
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