I'm a social drinker living with a recovering alcoholic
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I'm a social drinker living with a recovering alcoholic
Hi all I'm new to this site , my name is Tiffany , I joined because I need advice on my situation . So here it goes as short and yet complete as I can make it.
About a 16 months ago my long lost love found me again after 25 years , I'm 45 he is 48.. We have both been married and now we r divorced and living with eachother. He told me from day one that he was a recovering alcoholic 17 years now sober , I told him I was a social drinker , I asked him if that would be a problem for him, and he said it would not . Now it's becoming a issue , he says honestly he didn't understand what a social drinker was , his ex drank occasionally he had no problem with that. I've never had past problems with alcohol , I've been around it all my life , my family drinks but Not that much , special occasions or get togethers wine mostly .. My dad doesn't drink at all and my mom rarely. I grew up drinking socially enjoying a occasional drink now and then after a hard day or at social events w my friends incl happy hour once a week , some weekends, wine tasting , football outings and BBQ s . I'm not gonna lie I wasn't perfect in my young stages of drinking , but I never got a DUI or became violent or let it disrupt my normal life work etc .. Well now that we live together things are changing .. I drink my wine 1-2 times a week, I don't work, because I moved to area for his work near the Mohave desert and its just a temporary thing. I take care of him by keeping the house clean washing his clothes and cooking dinner etc, we r sexually into eachother , he likes it this way.. So some nights I like to sit out on the patio and have a drink or two and chat with my friends and catch up w my family usually after he's gone to bed .. When I do get to see my friends which is rare because we r 2 hours away , we do enjoy having. A few drinks to catch up at dinners or a BBQ at someone's house , on only a couple occasions he said I have to much and he just checks out and he said he feels disconnected from me ..I said I would work on it and mentioned quit drinking at all at home if that's what it takes . Now he is saying he thinks I might have a drinking problem.. He has asked me to see a counselor and discuss my issues with them on why I feel I need to drink.. Which I said I would do , but the thing is I don't feel the need to drink I just enjoy it sometimes . I'm not the alcoholic . I love him and he loves me . I mention going to a counselor together .. I want to understand what it like to be a recovering alcoholic .. He goes to meetings twice a week, sponsors a few people, I never drink in front of his sober friends or family , I've tried to do anything I can to make this work.. Except to quit completely for me is not reasonable because I feel it's not fair to me. He said he doesn't want that either .. But still I feel deep down he does, so I left for month and we r still trying to work it out , it's only been a few days now .. So if I go to a counselor and he tells me I don't have a problem and yes I have taken the test and answered them truthfully , it said I was a 3.. My question is where can I go for this kind of counseling ? Do u think joint counseling is a also a good idea .. I don't want to lose him, but I've oftener wondered is this a controlling issue w him or not ? His wife drank and so does his family and kids .. So why is it so much a big deal with me ,? I'm willing to make changes like I said , Please help in anyway I can share more but this is pretty much the root to our problem. Is it possible for a social drinker to live with a recovering alcoholic and what kind of requirements are needed to make this work? Thanks for ur advice ..
About a 16 months ago my long lost love found me again after 25 years , I'm 45 he is 48.. We have both been married and now we r divorced and living with eachother. He told me from day one that he was a recovering alcoholic 17 years now sober , I told him I was a social drinker , I asked him if that would be a problem for him, and he said it would not . Now it's becoming a issue , he says honestly he didn't understand what a social drinker was , his ex drank occasionally he had no problem with that. I've never had past problems with alcohol , I've been around it all my life , my family drinks but Not that much , special occasions or get togethers wine mostly .. My dad doesn't drink at all and my mom rarely. I grew up drinking socially enjoying a occasional drink now and then after a hard day or at social events w my friends incl happy hour once a week , some weekends, wine tasting , football outings and BBQ s . I'm not gonna lie I wasn't perfect in my young stages of drinking , but I never got a DUI or became violent or let it disrupt my normal life work etc .. Well now that we live together things are changing .. I drink my wine 1-2 times a week, I don't work, because I moved to area for his work near the Mohave desert and its just a temporary thing. I take care of him by keeping the house clean washing his clothes and cooking dinner etc, we r sexually into eachother , he likes it this way.. So some nights I like to sit out on the patio and have a drink or two and chat with my friends and catch up w my family usually after he's gone to bed .. When I do get to see my friends which is rare because we r 2 hours away , we do enjoy having. A few drinks to catch up at dinners or a BBQ at someone's house , on only a couple occasions he said I have to much and he just checks out and he said he feels disconnected from me ..I said I would work on it and mentioned quit drinking at all at home if that's what it takes . Now he is saying he thinks I might have a drinking problem.. He has asked me to see a counselor and discuss my issues with them on why I feel I need to drink.. Which I said I would do , but the thing is I don't feel the need to drink I just enjoy it sometimes . I'm not the alcoholic . I love him and he loves me . I mention going to a counselor together .. I want to understand what it like to be a recovering alcoholic .. He goes to meetings twice a week, sponsors a few people, I never drink in front of his sober friends or family , I've tried to do anything I can to make this work.. Except to quit completely for me is not reasonable because I feel it's not fair to me. He said he doesn't want that either .. But still I feel deep down he does, so I left for month and we r still trying to work it out , it's only been a few days now .. So if I go to a counselor and he tells me I don't have a problem and yes I have taken the test and answered them truthfully , it said I was a 3.. My question is where can I go for this kind of counseling ? Do u think joint counseling is a also a good idea .. I don't want to lose him, but I've oftener wondered is this a controlling issue w him or not ? His wife drank and so does his family and kids .. So why is it so much a big deal with me ,? I'm willing to make changes like I said , Please help in anyway I can share more but this is pretty much the root to our problem. Is it possible for a social drinker to live with a recovering alcoholic and what kind of requirements are needed to make this work? Thanks for ur advice ..
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tippy, it doesn't sound that reasonable on his part, but you're motivated to stay together, so counselling would be a good move.
He might be jealous that you can drink and he can't, or perhaps he sees a bottle in the fridge? Whatever it is, he sounds a bit shaky in his ongoing recovery.
I read a book years ago that you can get on Amazon now called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' by Manuel Smith. It's mainly about assertiveness, but there's also a section on communication with people you're close to which helps you find out what's really bothering them. It might be worth a read; I've used it myself and it's a powerful tool.
He might be jealous that you can drink and he can't, or perhaps he sees a bottle in the fridge? Whatever it is, he sounds a bit shaky in his ongoing recovery.
I read a book years ago that you can get on Amazon now called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' by Manuel Smith. It's mainly about assertiveness, but there's also a section on communication with people you're close to which helps you find out what's really bothering them. It might be worth a read; I've used it myself and it's a powerful tool.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
You say in your post that you are not working and that your friends are two hours drive away. You also say you that recently left this man for a month but that it is only about 16 months since you met him. This suggests to me that you are actually quite lonely and worried about the relationship situation anyway, without regard to the issues about drinking and recovery.
If you were working, would your relationship with him improve?
If you were working, would your relationship with him improve?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
...I've tried to do anything I can to make this work.. Except to quit completely for me is not reasonable because I feel it's not fair to me....
He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit. It's kind of unfair, but so are lots of things. He'll no doubt accept it if you choose alcohol over him, but can you accept it if this leads to him choosing sobriety over you.
You say you love him, and you're willing to do anything for him. Anything that is, except stop drinking alcohol (even though you don't 'need' it) even though this is perhaps what is needed for him to stay sober and in this relationship with you. That 'It's not fair - why should I give up alcohol' sounds very like my own alcoholic voice, so, while you may not have an issue with drink, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what is causing alarm bells to go off in his head about your relationship with drink.
Would it be possible to do a trial period of you not drinking? Forget about fair and unfair for a month and see if it doesimprove your relationship. As you don't have a problem with alcohol it shouldn't be too hard for you to do, and if there is no improvement, then perhaps the issue lies elsewhere in your relationship and you can take action accordingly.
You say you don't work, and your friends are hours away. Is there anything you can do to start making new friends in your area? You sound kind of isolated there, which is rarely a good thing for anyone.
He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit. It's kind of unfair, but so are lots of things. He'll no doubt accept it if you choose alcohol over him, but can you accept it if this leads to him choosing sobriety over you.
You say you love him, and you're willing to do anything for him. Anything that is, except stop drinking alcohol (even though you don't 'need' it) even though this is perhaps what is needed for him to stay sober and in this relationship with you. That 'It's not fair - why should I give up alcohol' sounds very like my own alcoholic voice, so, while you may not have an issue with drink, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what is causing alarm bells to go off in his head about your relationship with drink.
Would it be possible to do a trial period of you not drinking? Forget about fair and unfair for a month and see if it doesimprove your relationship. As you don't have a problem with alcohol it shouldn't be too hard for you to do, and if there is no improvement, then perhaps the issue lies elsewhere in your relationship and you can take action accordingly.
You say you don't work, and your friends are hours away. Is there anything you can do to start making new friends in your area? You sound kind of isolated there, which is rarely a good thing for anyone.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit..."
He's got 17 years in recovery? I don't think so; 17 years abstinent maybe, but not recovered, nor even sober, as defined by AA as 'freedom from alcohol' (he doesn't appear free to me).
I'm reminded of what it says in AA's BigBook...........:
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience..." (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, page 85)
(o:
NoelleR
He's got 17 years in recovery? I don't think so; 17 years abstinent maybe, but not recovered, nor even sober, as defined by AA as 'freedom from alcohol' (he doesn't appear free to me).
I'm reminded of what it says in AA's BigBook...........:
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience..." (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, page 85)
(o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
If a spouse or loved one was to post over in the Friends and Family section asking if their partner had a drinking problem, they'd likely be told, "It doesn't matter if they don't think it's a problem, you think its a problem."
Your bf has a problem with your drinking. Whether you do or not seems irrelevant to the relationship. Something needs to be worked out. He accepts your drinking, or you accept not drinking.
The way I see it, you are clinging awfully hard to something (alcohol) you say you don't need.
If a spouse or loved one was to post over in the Friends and Family section asking if their partner had a drinking problem, they'd likely be told, "It doesn't matter if they don't think it's a problem, you think its a problem."
Your bf has a problem with your drinking. Whether you do or not seems irrelevant to the relationship. Something needs to be worked out. He accepts your drinking, or you accept not drinking.
The way I see it, you are clinging awfully hard to something (alcohol) you say you don't need.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by NoelleR 
"...He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit..."
He's got 17 years in recovery? I don't think so; 17 years abstinent maybe, but not recovered, nor even sober, as defined by AA as 'freedom from alcohol' (he doesn't appear free to me).
I'm reminded of what it says in AA's BigBook...........:
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience..." (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, page 85)
(o:
NoelleR
He's got 17 years in recovery? I don't think so; 17 years abstinent maybe, but not recovered, nor even sober, as defined by AA as 'freedom from alcohol' (he doesn't appear free to me).
I'm reminded of what it says in AA's BigBook...........:
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience..." (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, page 85)
(o:
NoelleR
While he is drunk I don't enjoy being with him. When we go out together, I will usually go home alone so I don't have to listen to his drunken ramblings on repeat, or end up babysitting him, or apologising for him.
We'd been together 23 years before I got sober and started recovery, so I am not going to expect him to change just because I have. That still doesn't mean that it's good for our relationship when he drinks.
It's not a problem because I'm tempted. It's a problem because it puts us in different places where we can't communicate like we can when we're either both sober, (or when we were both drunk- not that that always ended well tbh!!)
Certainly, if I was single now, I wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone who was daily or heavy drinker. But maybe that's just me. I certainly don't think that it's a reflection on my recovery. It's just common sense. When I did my step 4 inventories, one of them was about relationships. I'm willing to put my all into my side of that, and if I was starting again on new relationship I'd want it to be with someone who shared my ideals and values, and who was mentally and emotionally in the same place at me in the evenings and weekends.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by Beccybean
My partner still drinks heavily at weekends.
While he is drunk I don't enjoy being with him. When we go out together, I will usually go home alone so I don't have to listen to his drunken ramblings on repeat, or end up babysitting him, or apologising for him.
We'd been together 23 years before I got sober and started recovery, so I am not going to expect him to change just because I have. That still doesn't mean that it's good for our relationship when he drinks.
It's not a problem because I'm tempted. It's a problem because it puts us in different places where we can't communicate like we can when we're either both sober, (or when we were both drunk- not that that always ended well tbh!!)
Certainly, if I was single now, I wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone who was daily or heavy drinker. But maybe that's just me. I certainly don't think that it's a reflection on my recovery. It's just common sense. When I did my step 4 inventories, one of them was about relationships. I'm willing to put my all into my side of that, and if I was starting again on new relationship I'd want it to be with someone who shared my ideals and values, and who was mentally and emotionally in the same place at me in the evenings and weekends.
While he is drunk I don't enjoy being with him. When we go out together, I will usually go home alone so I don't have to listen to his drunken ramblings on repeat, or end up babysitting him, or apologising for him.
We'd been together 23 years before I got sober and started recovery, so I am not going to expect him to change just because I have. That still doesn't mean that it's good for our relationship when he drinks.
It's not a problem because I'm tempted. It's a problem because it puts us in different places where we can't communicate like we can when we're either both sober, (or when we were both drunk- not that that always ended well tbh!!)
Certainly, if I was single now, I wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone who was daily or heavy drinker. But maybe that's just me. I certainly don't think that it's a reflection on my recovery. It's just common sense. When I did my step 4 inventories, one of them was about relationships. I'm willing to put my all into my side of that, and if I was starting again on new relationship I'd want it to be with someone who shared my ideals and values, and who was mentally and emotionally in the same place at me in the evenings and weekends.
When I was two weeks into recovery, I had to go back to CA to take care of my mother who had been in a pedestrian/automobile accident (she was the pedestrian). One of my 'chores' was to cook, and along with dinner, there was sometimes wine or a before dinner drink which I needed to mix......I just needed to suck it up.
This man has a problem with alcohol and can't drink; the OP doesn't seem to; the man new she drank on occasion from the jump and was ok with it, and now is changing the 'rules'.......? Sounds more like control to me.
All this is just my perception and opinion, but then I steer clear of most relationships; I can live vicariously through a number of my friends....................no thanks.......lolol
(o:
NoelleR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Thank you he said he would consider it after i go to one myself , al-non was also a suggestion and I am going to one tomorrow.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Tiffany 
This sounds like something that's only going to be resolved through a lot of communication, from both sides - joint counselling doesn't sound like a bad idea?
D
This sounds like something that's only going to be resolved through a lot of communication, from both sides - joint counselling doesn't sound like a bad idea?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Thank you for understanding he's been sober for 17 year s AA and was ok with his ex drinking , I've told him I would limit my alcohol at home of thats what he needs . I to am here visiting my mom for a month to help her out and also decided we needed a break. We talk every night and I haven't had a drink since I've been here because I'm starting to doubt myself .. I'm not a emotional drinker so I'm trying to deal with what's going on .. I've never been with a recovering alcoholic , so why I'm here I have decided to go to al-on for some answers but this blog has helped some too. Thank u
Originally Posted by NoelleR
...and I absolutely agree, especially regarding daily and/or heavy drinking/drinkers. However, I didn't get from the OP that this was over daily and/or heavy drinking, but his wanting her to not drink, period. He's the 'A' the one with the problem....
When I was two weeks into recovery, I had to go back to CA to take care of my mother who had been in a pedestrian/automobile accident (she was the pedestrian). One of my 'chores' was to cook, and along with dinner, there was sometimes wine or a before dinner drink which I needed to mix......I just needed to suck it up.
This man has a problem with alcohol and can't drink; the OP doesn't seem to; the man new she drank on occasion from the jump and was ok with it, and now is changing the 'rules'.......? Sounds more like control to me.
All this is just my perception and opinion, but then I steer clear of most relationships; I can live vicariously through a number of my friends....................no thanks.......lolol
(o:
NoelleR
When I was two weeks into recovery, I had to go back to CA to take care of my mother who had been in a pedestrian/automobile accident (she was the pedestrian). One of my 'chores' was to cook, and along with dinner, there was sometimes wine or a before dinner drink which I needed to mix......I just needed to suck it up.
This man has a problem with alcohol and can't drink; the OP doesn't seem to; the man new she drank on occasion from the jump and was ok with it, and now is changing the 'rules'.......? Sounds more like control to me.
All this is just my perception and opinion, but then I steer clear of most relationships; I can live vicariously through a number of my friends....................no thanks.......lolol
(o:
NoelleR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by endlesspatience
You say in your post that you are not working and that your friends are two hours drive away. You also say you that recently left this man for a month but that it is only about 16 months since you met him. This suggests to me that you are actually quite lonely and worried about the relationship situation anyway, without regard to the issues about drinking and recovery.
If you were working, would your relationship with him improve?
If you were working, would your relationship with him improve?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Beccybean
My partner still drinks heavily at weekends.
While he is drunk I don't enjoy being with him. When we go out together, I will usually go home alone so I don't have to listen to his drunken ramblings on repeat, or end up babysitting him, or apologising for him.
We'd been together 23 years before I got sober and started recovery, so I am not going to expect him to change just because I have. That still doesn't mean that it's good for our relationship when he drinks.
It's not a problem because I'm tempted. It's a problem because it puts us in different places where we can't communicate like we can when we're either both sober, (or when we were both drunk- not that that always ended well tbh!!)
Certainly, if I was single now, I wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone who was daily or heavy drinker. But maybe that's just me. I certainly don't think that it's a reflection on my recovery. It's just common sense. When I did my step 4 inventories, one of them was about relationships. I'm willing to put my all into my side of that, and if I was starting again on new relationship I'd want it to be with someone who shared my ideals and values, and who was mentally and emotionally in the same place at me in the evenings and weekends.
While he is drunk I don't enjoy being with him. When we go out together, I will usually go home alone so I don't have to listen to his drunken ramblings on repeat, or end up babysitting him, or apologising for him.
We'd been together 23 years before I got sober and started recovery, so I am not going to expect him to change just because I have. That still doesn't mean that it's good for our relationship when he drinks.
It's not a problem because I'm tempted. It's a problem because it puts us in different places where we can't communicate like we can when we're either both sober, (or when we were both drunk- not that that always ended well tbh!!)
Certainly, if I was single now, I wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone who was daily or heavy drinker. But maybe that's just me. I certainly don't think that it's a reflection on my recovery. It's just common sense. When I did my step 4 inventories, one of them was about relationships. I'm willing to put my all into my side of that, and if I was starting again on new relationship I'd want it to be with someone who shared my ideals and values, and who was mentally and emotionally in the same place at me in the evenings and weekends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Hi
Originally Posted by Beccybean
...I've tried to do anything I can to make this work.. Except to quit completely for me is not reasonable because I feel it's not fair to me....
He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit. It's kind of unfair, but so are lots of things. He'll no doubt accept it if you choose alcohol over him, but can you accept it if this leads to him choosing sobriety over you.
You say you love him, and you're willing to do anything for him. Anything that is, except stop drinking alcohol (even though you don't 'need' it) even though this is perhaps what is needed for him to stay sober and in this relationship with you. That 'It's not fair - why should I give up alcohol' sounds very like my own alcoholic voice, so, while you may not have an issue with drink, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what is causing alarm bells to go off in his head about your relationship with drink.
Would it be possible to do a trial period of you not drinking? Forget about fair and unfair for a month and see if it doesimprove your relationship. As you don't have a problem with alcohol it shouldn't be too hard for you to do, and if there is no improvement, then perhaps the issue lies elsewhere in your relationship and you can take action accordingly.
You say you don't work, and your friends are hours away. Is there anything you can do to start making new friends in your area? You sound kind of isolated there, which is rarely a good thing for anyone.
He's not ASKING you to quit. But he might NEED you to quit. It's kind of unfair, but so are lots of things. He'll no doubt accept it if you choose alcohol over him, but can you accept it if this leads to him choosing sobriety over you.
You say you love him, and you're willing to do anything for him. Anything that is, except stop drinking alcohol (even though you don't 'need' it) even though this is perhaps what is needed for him to stay sober and in this relationship with you. That 'It's not fair - why should I give up alcohol' sounds very like my own alcoholic voice, so, while you may not have an issue with drink, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what is causing alarm bells to go off in his head about your relationship with drink.
Would it be possible to do a trial period of you not drinking? Forget about fair and unfair for a month and see if it doesimprove your relationship. As you don't have a problem with alcohol it shouldn't be too hard for you to do, and if there is no improvement, then perhaps the issue lies elsewhere in your relationship and you can take action accordingly.
You say you don't work, and your friends are hours away. Is there anything you can do to start making new friends in your area? You sound kind of isolated there, which is rarely a good thing for anyone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
What I meant was I Havent had a drink since this argument , it's been about a week now .. I could easily have down my sorrows , but I choose not to be a emotional drinker.. My thought are even if I quit altogether , he still will have to be around my family and friends that do.. Then what ??
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The test for whether or not you have a problem isn't so much if you can abstain for a while, I managed to convince myself quite nicely that me and alcohol were just *a-okay* by having a couple of random whole-months off for charity (Sober October for charity, and Lent - that kind of stuff). The problem for me what how is affects me when I do drink. There are loads of self-test things that I tried and dismissed them as being over-sensitive or a joke, like the one on the AA site, and this one https://ncadd.org/learn-about-alcoho...buse-self-test for a while, but the truth has a way of catching up with you, and thankfully my eyes were opened and I've been able to change a lot of things since getting sober. But, again, that was me. You may not have an issue with alcohol. I thought it was just me, but listening to a conversation at AA the other day, it seems that seeing / attributing our own faults in/to other people (when they are and are not there) is a bit of an alcoholic 'thing' as well, so there could be an element of this going on. The people at al-anon will probably be wise on this.
The thing is, even if it turns out that your drinking (unlike mine) actually IS *A-Okay* that doesn't really solve the issues about the relationship and the issue he has with your drinking - you're still both left with stuff that is going to require honesty and compromise on both sides to sort out. It sounds like you rally do love and care about each other, so good luck with resolving these.
The al-anon and counsellor both sound like good suggestions
Wishing you well.
The thing is, even if it turns out that your drinking (unlike mine) actually IS *A-Okay* that doesn't really solve the issues about the relationship and the issue he has with your drinking - you're still both left with stuff that is going to require honesty and compromise on both sides to sort out. It sounds like you rally do love and care about each other, so good luck with resolving these.
The al-anon and counsellor both sound like good suggestions
Wishing you well.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I think Dee nailed it.
I also think that given your situation as described, it's probably a good idea to take a hard honest look at whether drinking is playing s bigger role than you'd like it to in your own life. Only you can decide that.
I'm in recovery, and my fiancée drinks. But she has one beer. On very rare occasions, maybe two over several hours. And generally those drinks are weeks in between.... Not multiple times per week. That, for me, is easy to deal with as a person in recovery. I'm sure I'd find it more challenging if she drank frequently or in greater volume.
That doesn't
I also think that given your situation as described, it's probably a good idea to take a hard honest look at whether drinking is playing s bigger role than you'd like it to in your own life. Only you can decide that.
I'm in recovery, and my fiancée drinks. But she has one beer. On very rare occasions, maybe two over several hours. And generally those drinks are weeks in between.... Not multiple times per week. That, for me, is easy to deal with as a person in recovery. I'm sure I'd find it more challenging if she drank frequently or in greater volume.
That doesn't
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That doesn't mean you're in the wrong here.... I'm just offering a perspective. For me, in my experience, I do at times find it challenging - even as little as she drinks. I sometimes do feel envious or upset. And in those times, it isy own work of recovery to expose those feelings as my issue and to rind myself why I embrace sobriety and to honor that choice. It's not her responsibility to keep me sober.....
If it did get excessive and hard to deal with, I would communicate that to her because my sobriety must be protected.
Anyway - like Dee said; communication and honestly and empathy and understanding are wha a going to be needed here
If it did get excessive and hard to deal with, I would communicate that to her because my sobriety must be protected.
Anyway - like Dee said; communication and honestly and empathy and understanding are wha a going to be needed here
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