Pia

I was telling a close gfriend who knows a lot of my situation that my AH is gone for good.
She has been such a dear friend and always supportive. She told me when I introduced my AH to them everyone in her family thought something was wrong with him and no one felt comfortable around him they had a errie feeling about him. She didn't want to hurt my feelings and was always concerned and worried about me.

It makes me sooo sad to know this. At the same time I feel so embarrassed . Has anyone gone through that?

TryGuy

It's very normal. I would not say it is something you need to be embarrassed about but you have to own your own feelings, too.

A lot of people get nervous around an A. Especially if they are on the peripherals of the situation. They have no idea what to say to them and even to you.

Ultimately I think what you have to be happy about here is to have such a close wonderful friend who obviously cares about you a lot. That's wonderful!

Pia

She is great. How do you explain to someone that my husband doesn't care about me,that I'm wasn't a priority. When I say he's sick people don't quite understand.

Flavia2

Hi Radiant,

I'm in the same boat as you and I'm practicing not explaining anything to anyone. If someone asks something too personal, I just don't answer.

You don't need to feel guilty about it.

Liveitwell

Geez...this is what my ex used to tell me-that all his friends and family thought I was crazy and that he should have listened to them before we got married. Nice.

lillamy

Yep. All my family, all my friends. When they met AXH for the first time they all went "WTAF? How do we save her?"

dandylion

Radiant......I have found that if faced by an awkward question that you are uncomfortable sharing......with a sweet smile, say: "It is very complicated, Kathy....If you will forgive me for not answering--I will forgive you for asking". Then quickly change the subject before they can even answer. That will almost always stop people in their tracks.

After I divorced my children's father---lots of people told me what they "really" thought of him. When I asked them why they didn't say anything---they said that they didn't want to get involved.....

In reality....try making a list of your friends husbands and partners that you don't care for ....and go share this information with your friends....and find what kind of reception that you get.....LOL! LOL!

dandylion

Liveitwell

^^^ ha! I agree. My sister came out and said one thing during the entire last year...she stated it was quite obvious my ex had major issues with his mom and sister and alcoholism since the beginning-she just thought he'd grow out of it. She stated she stopped coming around years ago bc she didn't like the way my ex treated me around them. WOW. I had never heard this from her. And I get it-she didn't want to get involved bc it's my life. It's not her battle. My dad has echoed the same sentiments (and actually did while we were still together a few years ago). He even went so far as to say he decided that the last Christmas we spent with my inlaws was going to be the last for him because he was sick of getting hit on by my husbands mother. Yep. Looked at me and said, "that woman is sick. Bleh". Seriously, didn't know their thoughts all along but now I do. And having lived it, yep.
Just because someone asks, doesn't mean you have to share!

kittycat3

That sounds like a terrible thing to say, a real twist on "I was right and your judgement was wrong." I would not take that too seriously, sounds like some friend.....

Pia

I just say he is fine at this point but only told close friends. Technically he is fine in his own mind.

Pia

That's just mean i'm sorry.

Ap052183

This sort of happened to me. My uncle told my cousin that he seemed nice but was kind of "creepy." It infuriated me...first because my cousin told me...then because i didnt get it at all. Even now creepy is not a word I'd use to describe him. Also his good girlfriend said to me "when you get past the kind of creepy vibe he's the nicest guy ever. " I was shocked she was saying that. I still think it was totally innapropriate. I actually got a weird vibe from him early on...I always felt he was hiding something but could never figure it out. Only one other guy ive dated has triggered this feeling in me...that guy had a pill problem. Turns out growing up with addicts gives you a sixth sense.

Hangnbyathread

You know what. I have decided that openly answering and talking about it honestly, helps all parties involved. At first I was ashamed and embarrassed. So I tried to hide/avoid it.

But it didn't help me recover.

And almost always, they knew something was up, they just couldn't put a finger on it. I recently met with a couple we knew when we were together.

Hey T.......How are you how's L? L and I are no longer together. Oh gosh I'm sorry to heart that, what happened. My response, "I don't wish to disparage her to you guys as you always had good things you saw from her. However she has repeated some things that for me couldn't endure in my life."

And I pause at that.

T...Let me ask you something, is she an addict? We sort of thought there was something about her. We knew an addict and etc....you see that they not only get it, they have experienced one in their lives. So often people know more than you let on to. And it has been HUGELY helpful to be respectful of not trying to slam your ex, but explain that why you are no longer allowing her in your life. Then you usually find that people can relate and help you with experiences they have had with them.

I am not ashamed. I am not guilty. I am not stupid. I am not with an addict anymore.

hopeful4

Raising my hand. Apparently everyone in the world knew my X was a weirdo but me!

Eh...those people are all happy that I am away from him now!

XXX

Liveitwell

One of my husbands grooms men told me right before I walked down the aisle that I was making a mistake and that he couldn't believe anyone would marry him. Wow, um not so nice. However, I am glad I spent the time I did with my ex-I liked his weirdness-it made him, him. I don't regret our marriage or falling in love with him. Not one bit. My family still wishes my ex would get help but it seems that ship has sailed. I'm happy to not be living with an addict any longer-our home is peaceful.

MsPINKAcres

for me, it seemed when I left my now exah - everyone wanted to tell me stories of all the things he had been doing ~ some I knew, some I suspected and some I was clueless ~
Finally, I had to stop it ~ I decided Life for me wasn't a "reality TV drama" ~
I simply told those who felt the need to "share" about his behaviors that "thanks but no thanks - it's much healthier for me to just detach completely"
Stay Peaceful!
PINK HUGS