emzyp

Hello

Bare with me, my story is long and complicated

My husband has been alcoholic for at least 2 years. Things reached a climax 6 weeks ago when he got terribly drunk and basically walked out on me and our two little boys (6&4) On that night he also confessed to adultery and drug use. Since he left there have been alot of hurtful words and actions thrown around by both of us. I am not coping well without him. He says he is getting himself sorted and then he will put some focus into our relationship. He says he feels dead inside and doesn't feel that he loves me any more. He isn't acting right and up to now I have just thought he was being cruel and unfeeling. Literally just today I realised it is all due to him needing space to recover. I think? He is putting all his energy into getting better. He is attending aa as well as getting spiritual support. He just wants nothing to do with me.

So this evening I sent him a message (he won't pick up the phone) and told him I now understand, that I love him and I will wait for him. I know it might not mean we will get back together but I wanted him to know that I'm not writing him off. I haven't had a reply. Did I do the right thing? Am I right in thinking that he's staying away in order to help his recovery? I'm not stable myself you see and I wouldn't be helpful to him right now. I just don't want to be waiting for him just to have my heart broken all over again.

Tia

Lilro

Hi Tia
Welcome to the Forum. Sorry for what brings you here. I am going to leave you to the beautiful people who have been on this site much longer than me. It's amazing the things you will learn and the guidance that they share.
In the meantime, please read the stickies on top of the forum page. You will find a world of advice on those pertaining to alcoholism.
Welcome again & Big hug to you and your boys.
Ro

MyGirlGracie

Hi Tia... no one can say for certain what your husband is doing. Do you know for certain that he IS putting all his energy into getting better and attending AA or this something he is telling you. He may be just continuing with the drinking and drugging aspect of his life. (I am not trying to be cruel here, but that could be the closest thing to the truth right now.) I hope he is going down the recovery path and if so, he is clearly focusing on himself and his recovery. Are you doing anything for YOU?

AnvilheadII

what concerns me is that he is not just turning his back on YOU, he also left a couple kids behind. and that ain't right.....recovery doesn't mean you just ignore everything else in your life, abandon anything unpleasant or inconvenient.

if he WAS truly embracing the tenants of AA and spiritual counsel he would NOT be treating his loved ones in such a cruel selfish way. he's done you wrong in so many ways, and only time will tell if he ever wishes to try and make things right. i wouldn't hold my breath in the short term.......

emzyp

Thank you for your replies.

His family assure me he isn't drinking and is attending as meetings, he's also going to the doctor for anti depressants. His family are keeping him close, watching him to make sure he doesn't drink. So I believe him when he tells me he's trying to get better.

When I say he left us, he has moved out and we are officially separated but he does see the boys every weekend.

I agree his actions seem cruel, but maybe he is just a mess? I've never been through anything like this so its confusing to me. I know short term I'm on my own, as he is. I'm hoping for long term results from keeping my heart open to him.

SparkleKitty

Only you can decide what is right for you. There aren't any guarantees on the outcomes for these kinds of things. It is okay for you to wait and see what happens, as long as you are taking care of yourself and your kids.

Gently I would suggest that in a home that has lived through addiction, it is not only the addict who needs support and recovery. It is easy to focus all attention on the addict and what they are going through but what about you? What about the kids? Do you have support -- family, friends, perhaps Al-Anon or a therapist?

emzyp

I've found my local al-anon meeting and hope to go. It's just difficult as I'll need childcare. I am trying to work out finances to see a therapist as well. I have family but are mostly very far away, and I have a couple of good friends but feel I can't throw myself on them as they are relatively new friendships.

I've relied on husbands family for support for 12 years, but they've cut me off now along with him. They hate me as I was very angry and they think I was trying to destroy him. They are suffering too.

jezzebelle

Tia, Hang in there and keep coming back to the Forum where you will read how others have coped with these early and difficult days. It looks as if your husband has hit "rock bottom" and is going to do something about his addiction. In the long term, this is better for everyone, especially your children. He won't really know what he's saying/doing at present so it's better for you and the children to keep your distance and let him find his own way. Others will support him.

Look around and ask for help from those who can support you. Could someone from your far away family come and stay at yours?

Best not to try and make direct contact with your husband for a while because space is required for both of you, otherwise it gets too snarled up and painful. When the time is right, then you can contact him by text or letter but not yet.

I really encourage you to ask for help from someone within your own family, even if they have to travel, You are on your own with 2 young children and you really deserve adult support. Hang in there Tia.

happybeingme

If you can't make an Al-Anon meeting see if there are any Celebrate Recovery ones. These are a Christian based program and often have child care. You can also look into the Salvation Army for therapy. They charge on a sliding scale.

Be good to yourself, take care of the kids if you need help also don't hesitate to turn to your county for food assistance and such.

dandylion

emzyp.....Can I assume that your husband is financially supporting your kids in addition to seeing them?
It is a good bet that he has shifted all the blame to you...and told his family what he wants them to hear in order to keep them taking care of him.
That is typical alcoholic behavior to shift blame and responsibility onto anyone and anything but themselves. It keeps the spotlight off of them......

Who knows how hard he is really working. Good that he is getting treatment for depression. But, depression won't get better if the drinking isn't stopped. Alcohol is a depressant within itself.
Be aware of this....recovery is much more than just stopping to drink. Early recover takes 2-3yrs. to see the real changes of authentic recovery.
They have to stop the alcoholic thinking...to stop the alcoholic attitudes....to stop the behaviors ..... and, that doesn't happen overnight.
It means that recovery has to be his very top priority...and work diligently every day on it. (not just an AA meeting one or two times a week). He has to get a sponsor and work the steps ...the 12 steps.

Please don't put yourself on a shelf while "waiting for him". You are not a porceline doll.....to be taken down and dusted off at somebody else's pleasure.
recovery doesn't happen quickly.
If he does get into recovery....he will be a different person than you knew before.
If he doesn't get into recovery he will get worse and you will get more of the same.
In any case...the origional person that you knew is gone......

Please don't put your self on a shelf.....

dandylion

May I ask the reason that you had to rely o n his family for support all these years?

fairlyuncertain

Welcome. You are not in an easy situation. Al anon can be a great source of comfort. If you can't find childcare, you may call someone from the meeting and ask if your kids can come along. They may be able to sit nearby and play or draw. Or the person you speak to may have other suggestions.

Listen to your husband. He is telling you what he wants and needs. Believe it. It is painful, but much less painful than investing hope in an addict in early recovery.

For your kids, and for yourself, do everything you can to create solidity, stability and peace for yourself, and a life that is serene and not dependent on anyone else's sobriety or mental wellness. Then, if things work out with him, wonderful. If they don't--you'll still have a wonderful life. I wish you all the best. It is difficult and overwhelming, but it can be done!!Good luck!!

BlackSabbath

Yeah, he is a mess I'm sorry you're going through this.

It is super confusing. That's the nature of addiction/ alcoholism. Read here when you can. Explore resources in your area. I would take what his family says at face value - I'm sure you know through experience that alcoholics/ addicts lie, so it is incredibly unlikely that he's telling them the truth.

His behaviour isn't that of someone in recovery - sounds like he's in active addiction/ alcoholism. Take a step back and think about what kind of husband you deserve. Not one who cheats, lies, drinks, gets high and acts cruel! Think about the father your kids deserve. This is who they learn from - and quite frankly, they're not learning a very nice way to treat their spouses.

One thing I noticed while being here is that I've never heard anyone say, "Oh, I wish I had put up with his BS for much longer than I did." However, I do hear a lot of partners say that they wished they hadn't stayed for do long. Good luck to you & hug your babies tight...they need a strong mama right now.

emzyp

Dandelion, I moved 600 miles from my own family and friends when I married him, and as his family are very close I just relied on them for everything. They like it that way, very controlling people which I'm just truly seeing now I'm not with them. I did have a close friend for a couple of years but my ah developed an emotional relationship with her that almost broke us up and ended that friendship. He's been messing my life up for years. I know the man I married has gone. But surely in time, if he truly is in recovery, he will be well and our family will have a chance? Who's to say whoever I end up with next would be any better, I'm afraid my view on men has been tarnished thanks to this situation.At least if I'm patient, my boys have a chance at family life with mummy and daddy.

In the meantime though I am getting on with my life, I'm not going to put that on hold for him.

And yes he is paying maintenance, first payment due soon though so we will see.