Desperately seeking advise..so lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Desperately seeking advise..so lost
Hello,
I apologize if this is long but I'm absolutely heartbroken and need advice.
I met my now ex boyfriend 3 years ago. I met him while he was under house arrest (I know, red flag). We fell for eachother instantly and were so happy together.
3 months into our relationship we found out we were pregnant. He was so happy and so was I. This was around the time I noticed he drank quite a lot. I was living with my roommate at the time and noticed he would sneak alcohol from us. He was drunk nearly every day at this point.
He has had a rough life and I felt for him and loved him very much that I ignored his drinking.
Then things started happening once we moved in together. He would go out without telling me where he was or when he would be coming home. He would get drunk and ignore me for hours and sometimes not show up until the morning. We would fight about it and make up. Then one night he drove drunk and was thrown in jail for 30 days (he was on probation from being under house arrest prior). He wrote me a letter telling me he would quit drinking and said he was so thankful he met me. 2 weeks after he got out of jail he got wasted again and it all started over again. All the fighting and heartache because of the way he treated me while drinking.
Fast forward 3 years and we have 2 kids together. One is turning 2 tomorrow and the other is 9 months old. 4 nights ago he drove home from work drunk and that was my breaking point. I asked him to get help because his drinking has affected our relationship too much. He ended up breaking up with me.
He says he does not have a problem and will not get help. I feel worthless, like I am not worth enough to quit drinking for. He blames everything on me and tries to rationalize his drinking. He said since he made it home ok that it was ok. He says I overreact over nothing.
I know I don't deserve this, I know I shouldn't cry over someone who did this to themselves but I am absolutely heartbroken.
Can someone please tell me this will get better? How can I get over him? I can't force him to get help and be with his family. Will he wake up and realize what he is giving up?
I apologize if this is long but I'm absolutely heartbroken and need advice.
I met my now ex boyfriend 3 years ago. I met him while he was under house arrest (I know, red flag). We fell for eachother instantly and were so happy together.
3 months into our relationship we found out we were pregnant. He was so happy and so was I. This was around the time I noticed he drank quite a lot. I was living with my roommate at the time and noticed he would sneak alcohol from us. He was drunk nearly every day at this point.
He has had a rough life and I felt for him and loved him very much that I ignored his drinking.
Then things started happening once we moved in together. He would go out without telling me where he was or when he would be coming home. He would get drunk and ignore me for hours and sometimes not show up until the morning. We would fight about it and make up. Then one night he drove drunk and was thrown in jail for 30 days (he was on probation from being under house arrest prior). He wrote me a letter telling me he would quit drinking and said he was so thankful he met me. 2 weeks after he got out of jail he got wasted again and it all started over again. All the fighting and heartache because of the way he treated me while drinking.
Fast forward 3 years and we have 2 kids together. One is turning 2 tomorrow and the other is 9 months old. 4 nights ago he drove home from work drunk and that was my breaking point. I asked him to get help because his drinking has affected our relationship too much. He ended up breaking up with me.
He says he does not have a problem and will not get help. I feel worthless, like I am not worth enough to quit drinking for. He blames everything on me and tries to rationalize his drinking. He said since he made it home ok that it was ok. He says I overreact over nothing.
I know I don't deserve this, I know I shouldn't cry over someone who did this to themselves but I am absolutely heartbroken.
Can someone please tell me this will get better? How can I get over him? I can't force him to get help and be with his family. Will he wake up and realize what he is giving up?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Personally I feel breakups with addicts are completely different than normal breakups. You don't want it...you love part of them...but they choose their drug over you. It leaves us feeling alone, used, and angry.
When will you feel ok? Depends on so many factors. Do you attend alanon? Do you have a support system? Are you truly ready to let go? I'm sure this will be very difficult with your children but it's in your best interest to stay off this roller coaster ride with him. Most will say to go no contact but you probably can't. I'd really recommend limiting your contact with him. The more you see him the harder it will be. It will get better though.
When will you feel ok? Depends on so many factors. Do you attend alanon? Do you have a support system? Are you truly ready to let go? I'm sure this will be very difficult with your children but it's in your best interest to stay off this roller coaster ride with him. Most will say to go no contact but you probably can't. I'd really recommend limiting your contact with him. The more you see him the harder it will be. It will get better though.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
It doesn't sound as if HE is about to get any better. Someday he might--if he lives long enough--but right now he's told you in no uncertain terms he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
YOU, however, DEFINITELY can get better. And you must, if you are going to take good care of those lovely children. You said he "broke up with you"--did he leave your home? He is obligated to financially support his children, so the very first thing I would suggest is that you file for child support.
I'd also suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting and get started on your own recovery--which doesn't depend on his. You all deserve better than this, but it's going to be up to you to make it happen.
One other thing--I know it's difficult, but try not to take his drinking personally. Alcoholics drink because they must. Some of them are capable of causing massive amounts of destruction in their own lives and those of their loved ones before they are ready to quit (if they ever are).
It doesn't sound as if HE is about to get any better. Someday he might--if he lives long enough--but right now he's told you in no uncertain terms he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
YOU, however, DEFINITELY can get better. And you must, if you are going to take good care of those lovely children. You said he "broke up with you"--did he leave your home? He is obligated to financially support his children, so the very first thing I would suggest is that you file for child support.
I'd also suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting and get started on your own recovery--which doesn't depend on his. You all deserve better than this, but it's going to be up to you to make it happen.
One other thing--I know it's difficult, but try not to take his drinking personally. Alcoholics drink because they must. Some of them are capable of causing massive amounts of destruction in their own lives and those of their loved ones before they are ready to quit (if they ever are).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he was already drinking when you met...and under house arrest. then within a VERY short time you two are bonded in a more permanent way with a child. that takes a toll on ANY new relationship, but especially when at least one is very unhealthy.
i doubt he ever really WANTED to do the grown up responsible thing - be a good dad/partner....he just went along til it all became too much for him to even try. he's not who you thought or hoped. and his choices have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
it's tough i know, you had a lot of hopes pinned on him changing. he may one day wake up and realize he made two precious little human beings and he is RESPONSIBLE for their time on earth and begin to provide for them....but more likely he will remain a sh!thead punk who'd rather party on.
i hope you have family or friends around for support. and i'm glad you reached out here.
i doubt he ever really WANTED to do the grown up responsible thing - be a good dad/partner....he just went along til it all became too much for him to even try. he's not who you thought or hoped. and his choices have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
it's tough i know, you had a lot of hopes pinned on him changing. he may one day wake up and realize he made two precious little human beings and he is RESPONSIBLE for their time on earth and begin to provide for them....but more likely he will remain a sh!thead punk who'd rather party on.
i hope you have family or friends around for support. and i'm glad you reached out here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lost.....I am going to say the same thing that came to mind when I read your post....
He has an obligation to support his children----morally and legally.
I can't tell you that he or your relationship with him will get better....but, I can tell you that YOU can get better. You will need to do it for your children.
Kids need at l east one stable parent to make it in this world.
We all want better for our children than we have had.
You are going to grieve...for several months to a year. Yes...it hurts like hell. But the pain will eventually taper off and be over. Living with an actively drinking alcoholic ===the paing toes on forever...and gets worse and worse.
You are going to need tons and tons of help along the way. Don't be foolish enough to not ask for it!
If he shows back up....saying all the things he knows you want to hear....don't fall for it. Talk is extremely cheap.
It would take him years to become the person that you WANT him to be---that is, if he is working really hard on it.
Your children are still very young...you have a good chance of saving them, and yourself....
dandylion
He has an obligation to support his children----morally and legally.
I can't tell you that he or your relationship with him will get better....but, I can tell you that YOU can get better. You will need to do it for your children.
Kids need at l east one stable parent to make it in this world.
We all want better for our children than we have had.
You are going to grieve...for several months to a year. Yes...it hurts like hell. But the pain will eventually taper off and be over. Living with an actively drinking alcoholic ===the paing toes on forever...and gets worse and worse.
You are going to need tons and tons of help along the way. Don't be foolish enough to not ask for it!
If he shows back up....saying all the things he knows you want to hear....don't fall for it. Talk is extremely cheap.
It would take him years to become the person that you WANT him to be---that is, if he is working really hard on it.
Your children are still very young...you have a good chance of saving them, and yourself....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm going to save them all to read whenever I feel I may cave. He already told me today he has been crying and that he loves me.
I will find my confidence again one day and focus all of my positive healthy energy onto my children.
I will find my confidence again one day and focus all of my positive healthy energy onto my children.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lost.....please keep posting and reading, here on the forum.
Learn everything you can..... and I strongly suggest that you start attending alanon--it will validate the feelings that you have...and will help enormously with your self confidence and self esteem.
There is a lot of help....you are not alone.
It won't always feel like this.
There is a lot of h elp for him, for that matter. And for free. He needs to go get it.
Wow--he is already at the door with tears and the (cheap) sweet talk!
Now is the time for you to be strong.
Trust me....he has not changed in a matter of hours.
If you let him back in now...it just means that you will be kicking yourself again in a short time.
dandylion
Learn everything you can..... and I strongly suggest that you start attending alanon--it will validate the feelings that you have...and will help enormously with your self confidence and self esteem.
There is a lot of help....you are not alone.
It won't always feel like this.
There is a lot of h elp for him, for that matter. And for free. He needs to go get it.
Wow--he is already at the door with tears and the (cheap) sweet talk!
Now is the time for you to be strong.
Trust me....he has not changed in a matter of hours.
If you let him back in now...it just means that you will be kicking yourself again in a short time.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
Hugs to you. I do wish that we could "love them sober"...but we can't. No matter what we do, don't do, wish we could do, etc...it doesn't change them. He is the only one that can make himself better...but like everyone else has mentioned you can make YOU better.
And I agree with dandylion, don't believe it! Sober regret does not make up for drunken actions.
I know it is hard right now...one thing that is helping me is making a list of all of the positives I get to have not being with my AH right now. It helps. No walking on egg shells, no fighting, no house smelling like a dive bar after a long night. It gets better.
And I agree with dandylion, don't believe it! Sober regret does not make up for drunken actions.
I know it is hard right now...one thing that is helping me is making a list of all of the positives I get to have not being with my AH right now. It helps. No walking on egg shells, no fighting, no house smelling like a dive bar after a long night. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Listen dandylion they know what they are talking about. Keep posting and even if you don't post keep reading posts you will found that everyone in these groups really understand what your going through and can be a great support!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Lost,
Welcome. Your A is just doing what alcoholics do: drink. His behavior is normal to him and alcohol is as important to him as the air he breathes. Alcoholism is progressive and A's use creative desperation to be able to continue drinking and their dilemma is how to control their family and loved ones and protect the booze.
Usually A's have perfected their storylines and promises to fit each person they need to control and they know our weaknesses and every button they need to push. For us women its the endless promises, tears and of course their undying love that opens the door for them to keep their warm beds and a roof over their head one more time.
For many of us we were strung along for years and years and in my case my A was a chronic relapser with bouts of sobriety in between drinking binges. If I had a do-over I would have handled it differently as I now know my enabling help feed his addiction and behavior.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and that is true but you don't have to wait years to see with a "new pair of glasses" that give you an enormous amount of clarity and wisdom. Please do read the stickies at the top of the forum as it is like the readers digest of loved ones of addiction. Definitely find an alanon meeting and just go and listen. There are lots of books that can help you in your journey and learning about codependency and alcoholism is going to give you a lot of good information to help you.
Taking care of you and those kids and keep coming back to post...
Welcome. Your A is just doing what alcoholics do: drink. His behavior is normal to him and alcohol is as important to him as the air he breathes. Alcoholism is progressive and A's use creative desperation to be able to continue drinking and their dilemma is how to control their family and loved ones and protect the booze.
Usually A's have perfected their storylines and promises to fit each person they need to control and they know our weaknesses and every button they need to push. For us women its the endless promises, tears and of course their undying love that opens the door for them to keep their warm beds and a roof over their head one more time.
For many of us we were strung along for years and years and in my case my A was a chronic relapser with bouts of sobriety in between drinking binges. If I had a do-over I would have handled it differently as I now know my enabling help feed his addiction and behavior.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and that is true but you don't have to wait years to see with a "new pair of glasses" that give you an enormous amount of clarity and wisdom. Please do read the stickies at the top of the forum as it is like the readers digest of loved ones of addiction. Definitely find an alanon meeting and just go and listen. There are lots of books that can help you in your journey and learning about codependency and alcoholism is going to give you a lot of good information to help you.
Taking care of you and those kids and keep coming back to post...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Thank you all again. It feels good knowing I am not alone.
I'm having trouble accepting the fact that this is somehow not my fault. I feel I enabled him since we met and ignored all the red flags.
I'm hoping I can keep up my strength and be firm in my decision that we will not be together until he seeks help.
These last few days I have been thinking of all the ways he tries to rationalize his drinking. He will say "at least I don't beat you" or "you should be glad I don't drink the way I use to" or "I had a long day at work, I deserve a beer" or "at least I'm a good father who loves his kids"..the list just goes on and on.
My heart aches that I and our children are not enough reason. His failure to see how his drinking has affected us is heartbreaking.
I know this will be a long journey.
I'm having trouble accepting the fact that this is somehow not my fault. I feel I enabled him since we met and ignored all the red flags.
I'm hoping I can keep up my strength and be firm in my decision that we will not be together until he seeks help.
These last few days I have been thinking of all the ways he tries to rationalize his drinking. He will say "at least I don't beat you" or "you should be glad I don't drink the way I use to" or "I had a long day at work, I deserve a beer" or "at least I'm a good father who loves his kids"..the list just goes on and on.
My heart aches that I and our children are not enough reason. His failure to see how his drinking has affected us is heartbreaking.
I know this will be a long journey.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Enabling doesn't cause someone to be an alcoholic, it just prevents some of the more unpleasant consequences that, when added together, sometimes EVENTUALLY motivate someone to quit drinking.
Even if you had allowed him to experience every unpleasant consequence of drinking, chances are that, at this point, it would not be unpleasant enough for him to quit.
As Wisconsin pointed out, when we know better, we do better. You can step out of the enabling role at any time. Now is a good time to start.
It could be years and years, though, before he decides he's had enough. It could be much sooner, or he might never decide that. The timeline is his own--that is beyond your control.
Meantime, you can learn to take good care of yourself so you can hold your head up and feel good about yourself, regardless of what he chooses to do, even if his choices sadden you.
Even if you had allowed him to experience every unpleasant consequence of drinking, chances are that, at this point, it would not be unpleasant enough for him to quit.
As Wisconsin pointed out, when we know better, we do better. You can step out of the enabling role at any time. Now is a good time to start.
It could be years and years, though, before he decides he's had enough. It could be much sooner, or he might never decide that. The timeline is his own--that is beyond your control.
Meantime, you can learn to take good care of yourself so you can hold your head up and feel good about yourself, regardless of what he chooses to do, even if his choices sadden you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Well he came by for our daughters birthday. It was the first time we have seen eachother since we broke up last week.
We had a long talk. We both cried a lot. He said he was sorry and took responsibility for everything that had happened. He said he can't make any promises but will work hard on himself to be better. I don't think he knows there are resources out there for him and that he is not alone.
I told him I was firm that in order for us to be together there can't be any alcohol in the picture. I told him I was always here if he needed help.
I don't have high hopes, I know words are just words so we will see what happens.
We had a long talk. We both cried a lot. He said he was sorry and took responsibility for everything that had happened. He said he can't make any promises but will work hard on himself to be better. I don't think he knows there are resources out there for him and that he is not alone.
I told him I was firm that in order for us to be together there can't be any alcohol in the picture. I told him I was always here if he needed help.
I don't have high hopes, I know words are just words so we will see what happens.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I doubt that he is unaware there are resources out there for him. When he decides he's had enough, they are readily found. AA is in virtually every community. Doctors, rehabs are everywhere. Please resist the urge to set something up for him. If he specifically ASKS you to, I don't think there's any harm, but don't offer unless and until he asks. And even if he makes a token effort, I wouldn't consider allowing him to come back until he's demonstrated real commitment and progress.
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