opinions wanted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
opinions wanted
My wife is currently in a treatment facility for alcoholism...it's a 35 day program and she's 21 days in a doing very well.....I miss her a lot and it's been tough being without her but I know it's for the best in the long run so I deal with it...she's allowed to come home on weekends and all week I look forward to seeing her and spending the weekend with her.... I pick her up Friday and take her back Sunday(we live 2 hours from the facility)....next weekend she doesn't want to come home....she wants to go to a hotel for a girl's weekend with another lady she's met while in treatment.....am I being unreasonable in not wanting her to go?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Scary as it sounds, the answer is yes.
What is something you could do nice for yourself that weekend she is with the girls? What have you long been neglecting because you've been dealing with an alcoholic partner?
What is something you could do nice for yourself that weekend she is with the girls? What have you long been neglecting because you've been dealing with an alcoholic partner?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Scary as it sounds, the answer is yes.
What is something you could do nice for yourself that weekend she is with the girls? What have you long been neglecting because you've been dealing with an alcoholic partner?
What is something you could do nice for yourself that weekend she is with the girls? What have you long been neglecting because you've been dealing with an alcoholic partner?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't mean to contradict CodeJob but i got an almost visceral reaction to her
a) NOT wanting to come HOME having been gone 3 weeks
b) wanting to go to a HOTEL for a girl's weekend instead
she's just barely 3 weeks sober and wants to go "play" all weekend unsupervised at a hotel? is that really the PURPOSE of her treatment protocol? already thinking she DESERVES a treat?
a) NOT wanting to come HOME having been gone 3 weeks
b) wanting to go to a HOTEL for a girl's weekend instead
she's just barely 3 weeks sober and wants to go "play" all weekend unsupervised at a hotel? is that really the PURPOSE of her treatment protocol? already thinking she DESERVES a treat?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the "girls weekend" could be one of two things. Either she's having a bonding experience with someone to celebrate and cement their recovery, or they are planning to drink without consequences.
Either way, your getting upset about it doesn't help anything. What have you been doing for yourself while she's at rehab? Are you learning about alcoholism? Going to Al-Anon meetings? Thinking about what kind of boundaries you might need to have in place?
Either way, your getting upset about it doesn't help anything. What have you been doing for yourself while she's at rehab? Are you learning about alcoholism? Going to Al-Anon meetings? Thinking about what kind of boundaries you might need to have in place?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, the "girls weekend" could be one of two things. Either she's having a bonding experience with someone to celebrate and cement their recovery, or they are planning to drink without consequences.
Either way, your getting upset about it doesn't help anything. What have you been doing for yourself while she's at rehab? Are you learning about alcoholism? Going to Al-Anon meetings? Thinking about what kind of boundaries you might need to have in place?
Either way, your getting upset about it doesn't help anything. What have you been doing for yourself while she's at rehab? Are you learning about alcoholism? Going to Al-Anon meetings? Thinking about what kind of boundaries you might need to have in place?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Scottw88
No doubt in my mind that it's to celebrate recovery....this is all very new for both of us so I've been doing a lot of reading here and have been to some open AA meetings with my wife....both have really helped me understand.....as for al-anon, I've looked into it online...not sure it's for me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's another thing to consider. You've been going to meetings with her. You're hurt because she's going away with a recovery friend this weekend instead of coming home to you.
Recovery is going to suck up a LOT of her time and energy once she gets home, assuming it "takes." It sounds as if you want to help and encourage her, which is nice, but there really isn't a whole lot for you to DO in this situation.
Going to Al-Anon will help you to keep the focus where it belongs--on you, not on her and what she's doing/not doing. Living with someone in recovery requires a shift of focus and doing things that may seem counterintuitive. Al-Anon can be a great help navigating these unfamiliar waters.
Recovery is going to suck up a LOT of her time and energy once she gets home, assuming it "takes." It sounds as if you want to help and encourage her, which is nice, but there really isn't a whole lot for you to DO in this situation.
Going to Al-Anon will help you to keep the focus where it belongs--on you, not on her and what she's doing/not doing. Living with someone in recovery requires a shift of focus and doing things that may seem counterintuitive. Al-Anon can be a great help navigating these unfamiliar waters.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Scott---I am going to be very direct with you on this matter---don't be surprised if the post rehab time proves to be more stressful than the actual active drinking time.
I say this because it almost always comes as a shock....because. for so long, it may have been that it is felt that if "they would just quit drinking" that all of the problems will evaporate and the alcoholic will be soo grateful and apologetic, and the happy domestic scene will finally materialize.
The reality is that the spouse will need just as much support for the changes as the alcoholic does. You will have to do as m uch changing as she does....and, we all know that change is not something that we humans like....
The person that you knew before rehab was organized around the alcohol as a coping device. And, consequently, your relationship was organized around the alcoholism---otherwise, the relationship could not have continued the way it did.
Take away the alcohol and the effects will be felt in all corners of the relationship---and that can really throw people for a loop.......really.....
Now, I have said all this....and I may be singing to the choir....if so---just ignore me.
I just don't want you to be bumschwaggled when she gets home.....
dandylion
I say this because it almost always comes as a shock....because. for so long, it may have been that it is felt that if "they would just quit drinking" that all of the problems will evaporate and the alcoholic will be soo grateful and apologetic, and the happy domestic scene will finally materialize.
The reality is that the spouse will need just as much support for the changes as the alcoholic does. You will have to do as m uch changing as she does....and, we all know that change is not something that we humans like....
The person that you knew before rehab was organized around the alcohol as a coping device. And, consequently, your relationship was organized around the alcoholism---otherwise, the relationship could not have continued the way it did.
Take away the alcohol and the effects will be felt in all corners of the relationship---and that can really throw people for a loop.......really.....
Now, I have said all this....and I may be singing to the choir....if so---just ignore me.
I just don't want you to be bumschwaggled when she gets home.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
Scott---I am going to be very direct with you on this matter---don't be surprised if the post rehab time proves to be more stressful than the actual active drinking time.
I say this because it almost always comes as a shock....because. for so long, it may have been that it is felt that if "they would just quit drinking" that all of the problems will evaporate and the alcoholic will be soo grateful and apologetic, and the happy domestic scene will finally materialize.
The reality is that the spouse will need just as much support for the changes as the alcoholic does. You will have to do as m uch changing as she does....and, we all know that change is not something that we humans like....
The person that you knew before rehab was organized around the alcohol as a coping device. And, consequently, your relationship was organized around the alcoholism---otherwise, the relationship could not have continued the way it did.
Take away the alcohol and the effects will be felt in all corners of the relationship---and that can really throw people for a loop.......really.....
Now, I have said all this....and I may be singing to the choir....if so---just ignore me.
I just don't want you to be bumschwaggled when she gets home.....
dandylion
I say this because it almost always comes as a shock....because. for so long, it may have been that it is felt that if "they would just quit drinking" that all of the problems will evaporate and the alcoholic will be soo grateful and apologetic, and the happy domestic scene will finally materialize.
The reality is that the spouse will need just as much support for the changes as the alcoholic does. You will have to do as m uch changing as she does....and, we all know that change is not something that we humans like....
The person that you knew before rehab was organized around the alcohol as a coping device. And, consequently, your relationship was organized around the alcoholism---otherwise, the relationship could not have continued the way it did.
Take away the alcohol and the effects will be felt in all corners of the relationship---and that can really throw people for a loop.......really.....
Now, I have said all this....and I may be singing to the choir....if so---just ignore me.
I just don't want you to be bumschwaggled when she gets home.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
Al-Anon stretches your mind in beautiful and surprising ways
Hi Scottw88, just wanting to agree with those who are encouraging you to give Al Anon a try. To begin with, you don't have to say much but it's so helpful to listen to others. You could stay quiet for as long as you want - no-one will mind. Now your wife is in recovery, there will be lots of unforeseen changes in your relationship which is to be expected. Having contact with an Al Anon group helps greatly because things don't always run smoothly for the person supporting another in recovery........... BTDT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Oh I agree with you Anvilhead! But there's no stopping an addict. If she's looking to relapse it will happen at the hotel or it will happen at home... 
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i don't mean to contradict CodeJob but i got an almost visceral reaction to her
a) NOT wanting to come HOME having been gone 3 weeks
b) wanting to go to a HOTEL for a girl's weekend instead
she's just barely 3 weeks sober and wants to go "play" all weekend unsupervised at a hotel? is that really the PURPOSE of her treatment protocol? already thinking she DESERVES a treat?
a) NOT wanting to come HOME having been gone 3 weeks
b) wanting to go to a HOTEL for a girl's weekend instead
she's just barely 3 weeks sober and wants to go "play" all weekend unsupervised at a hotel? is that really the PURPOSE of her treatment protocol? already thinking she DESERVES a treat?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SW- These people here are very wise. Take their advice. An addict needs to Grow up, Sober up and Work a program, its not only about drinking. There is a huge commitment that she will have to commit to for her to stay sober. It will be a very trying time for both of you. Alanon teaches you to mind your own business and to let the addict do her stuff. It teaches you how not to hover over her and watch everything she does.
You don't trust her and her actions already have you questioning what she is doing. Nothing is going to stop her and it is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with you. But you have no control over her. Work your program, educate yourself give her to GOD!!! Sorry
You don't trust her and her actions already have you questioning what she is doing. Nothing is going to stop her and it is sad that she doesn't want to spend time with you. But you have no control over her. Work your program, educate yourself give her to GOD!!! Sorry
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Scott, you might find this thread helpful in understanding why we, the partners/spouses/friends/children of the A, need education and support every bit as much as the A does:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-healing.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-healing.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
