Nyinabo

Hi, I'm a newbie and am feeling the need to tell my story and vent a little. Please please give me some advice on what to do!
I've been married 5 years, we have 2 kids who are 3 and 1. When we first got together he said he wanted to quit drinking when he got married as he was ambitious and wanted to achieve loads of things. From what I could see he was a social drinker and I saw no warning signs although I am realising now that I actually don't know what healthy boundaries look like so maybe even then someone else would have seen red flags.
He did actually stop drinking regularly when we got married. He had a couple of heavy drinking sessions each year. Absolutely no problem for me as during the months in between he worked hard and we had a good relationship, although we had some stressful circumstances. After the birth of our first child I noticed he was drinking more regularly, maybe once a month he would go to the pub and drink heavily. But I justified it as it was still only once a month and having a little one is hard work so I felt he deserved a bit of time off.
After our second baby came along the drinking took a sharp increase. Almost overnight it went to daily drinking. At first I thought it was a phase as it was the first time I'd seen him do it. I trusted that he would come through it. He didn't. We are now 18 months down the line and he is still drinking daily. He has tried to take 30 days off a couple of times and failed. He is now having health problems and will be seeing a specialist soon for bowel problems. He actually thought he had bowel cancer and still couldn't stop drinking. So now I realise that he is an alcoholic.
We have talked about it and he admits he has a problem. He says he doesn't want to stop yet but will do "when the time is right" and has asked me to be patient with him but continue to encourage him to stop. He is an ambitious person and wants to do so much. We have talked about how the drinking will stop him achieving what he wants and how his health is possibly being impacted. He does not get drunk until the kids are in bed although on the weekend he does drink in front of them.
We still love each other a lot. He's a lovely dad and the kids light up when he comes in from work. My biggest fear is that the kids will be affected by the drinking and my behaviour towards it. I have tried to control it in the past and they have seen me behaving in an ugly way. I am learning to detach myself and look after myself and the kids. It feels lonely when I go up to bed and in the evenings when I realise I'm talking to a drunk.
He is getting worse and it looks like he is using all the classic lines of an alcoholic.
Does anyone have any advice for how to look after myself and my kids without having to actually leave him? How to set boundaries and what might be appropriate boundaries to set?

LexieCat

Al-anon, number one.

As far as "appropriate boundaries," boundaries are for YOU, not him. It is what YOU decide you will do when certain boundaries are crossed. It isn't to punish or control him, it's to keep yourself and your kids safe.

Honestly, I know of no way to live long-term with alcoholism and have it not affect your children. Strategies like detachment and boundaries can be a stop-gap measure while you figure out what to do, but they aren't a long-term solution. Your kids ARE and WILL BE affected, and this disease can be depended upon to get worse, not better, unless and until he fully commits to recovery. And right now he has no interest in that.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR!

I highly recommend reading more than this article on this website by Floyd P. Garrett.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Nyinabo

I understand that. But I don't think I even know what appropriate boundaries look like, having been raised in an unhealthy family environment myself.
For example, tonight I stated that I would not let my husband drive to the shop for more alcohol as he had already been drinking. I didn't do this to control his drinking but to stop him from being a danger on the road. Up until now I haven't even thought of it as I've been too busy with self pity. He looked surprised and protested but didn't take the car. Is that a healthy boundary or am I subconsciously trying to control him?

dandylion

Nyin....I very strongly suggest that you read the article that CodeJob suggested!
All of the articles written by Floyd P. garrett are great, in my opinion. they helped me more than anything I have read.

Alanon will help you to understand what boundaries and detachment are. These tools can buy you the space and a more clear mind so that you can evaluate yourself and your situation---and, to really educate yourself about this disease and what you can expect.

Lesie is right about the children....there is no way that they are not negatively affected with an active alcoholic in the home.....
We have a forum for The Children Of Alcoholics....it might help if you read some of their real life stories.....

It is hard to stop an alcoholic who wants to drive to get alcohol. You generally have to do some pretty strong action.....

The boundary is for YOU---to protect you---not to punish him.

For example....If you hate sleeping in the same bed with a drunk man---"If you are drinking....I will be sleeping in the other bedroom".
"If you become verbally abusive---I will take the children and stay in a motel".

If your boundary says---I will not live with an alcoholic--you have to be ready to leave.

It is your job to enforce your boundary...not his. It is not a "rule".
You are not even obligated to state all of your boundaries...but, you have to be willing and able to act.
Don't EVER state a boundary that you are not willing and able to act on to enforce.

dandylion

LexieCat

Well, telling someone he shouldn't be driving because he's been drinking is just good sense. If he needed the alcohol enough, though, or was drunk enough, he might just ignore you and take the car.

If he does that, you have a couple of options. You can call the police so they can pull him over. That takes care of the "drunk on the road" problem (as well as potentially protecting your family from losing everything because he gets sued after killing or maiming someone), but obviously it also has other repercussions--DWIs are expensive. Of course, he might be pulled over anyway, which would make it a moot point. Another option would be to consult a lawyer to see what, if anything, can be done to protect you from liability for his drunk driving.

You need to decide what you will and won't tolerate. Those are your boundaries, and if they are crossed, you have to decide what action would protect you. If he's drunk and obnoxious, you can take the kids and go somewhere else. If he's verbally abusive, you can choose not to stand and listen to it. There may be some things you are forced to tolerate unless you decide to leave him.

Some other boundaries might include not allowing your children to be in his care alone if you believe he can't be trusted not to drink while they're in his care.

As you can see, boundaries can be a lot of work for you. Which is why they generally aren't a good long-term solution, though they can protect you for a time.

TRD2014

Every bodies advice here is great and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this .... I am a 38 year old recovering alcoholic who was right where your husband is 15 years ago at my stage in alcoholism and my now X wife was where you are at.... My now 14 year old daughter could probably tell this story better than I as to how my disease destroyed our family not to mention others . As a recipient of two duii's myself and a scared family that will undoubtedly feel the affects of my actions and alcoholism for years to come I strongly encourage you to not procrastinate in what you decide to do and be proactive... God bless you and your family and I hope and pray the best for you and your family ...

Nyinabo

Do you think there is no way a family in this situation can stay together then? Isn't it worse for children to be without their dad than to be with an alcoholic dad (who doesn't drink in front of them...yet)?
I wish I had a crystal ball...

TRD2014

based on my experience as the alcoholic my answer to that question is yes and no... First of all I am so grateful to hear he is not drinking in front of the kids yet, and the reason I say yet is because alcoholism is a progressive disease. My daughter didn't see me take a drink until she was 6 or 7. Also based on your story it sounds as if your husbands drinking has progressed since you first met him. I have made many vows and promises in my life all with very sincere intentions and as my drinking progressed eventually they were all broken. Please understand I am not telling you the only way out is to leave your husband, but merely sharing my story and experience in this heartbreaking matter. I encourage you to ask around this forum. Most alcoholics stories are very similar to mine and most will tell you that this in fact is a progressive disease. In AA we read a book called "The Big Book" it's available as a free ap if you have a smart phone or tablet... Read some it, read some of the stories. There is no question you love your husband but your first priority in this mater has to be the well being of your kids and yourself. Generally speaking we all have to hit a bottom before we realize that we need help. Everybody's bottom is different. Some like mine needed really pounded in. I lost two houses, to great jobs, two wives, my ability to drive until 2018 and that's just the monetary loss. The important losses were my family, trust and respect the list goes on and on. I also have many many individuals in recovery who were much smarter than me I like to say and there bottom came before much great loss. Love you husband, talk with him, share my story and countless others you will find here if he is open. I am praying for you guys and encourage you to do the same.

BClare

"He says he doesn't want to stop yet but will do "when the time is right" and has asked me to be patient with him but continue to encourage him to stop. "

This really jumped out at me because I fell for this line many years ago and wasted my life trying to control something totally beyond my control.

Please take the good advice offered here, and especially educate yourself by reading the classic posts. Once you're eyes are really opened, things will never look the same again.

Best wishes.

dandylion

Nyinabo......to answer your question.....I think we all realize that it is best for children to be in the same home with their dad (and mother)....when the home is a peaceful and happy place....stable and secure with more positive energy than negative. Why would anyone want to split up a happy home.

Living in a home with active alcoholism....which gets worse and worse as time and the years go on....unless it is haulted by complete sobriety and working a strong program to make the kind of changes an alcoholic needs to make....living in such a home affects every single person inside the family.
Even very young children are affected to the degree that they are aware of the atmosphere and energy around them. If the mother is non-alcoholic....she can become worn down and drained by worry, anxiety, depression---and just have the energy that she would have directed to the kids drained away by trying to cope with dealing with her husband. Kids are like l ittle sponges---they pick up on everything in their environment.
I think parents feel that everything is still "o.k." when the children are very small and don't have the verbal ability to relate what they are hearing, seeing, or feeling. That---if they don't see the drinking directly---that they aren't affected....but, they can feel the effects indirectly by how it changes the parents and the general tone in the home.
I can remember back to when I was 2 and 1/2--3yrs. old! (some things). I think parents would be shocked if they knew how much their kids really "knew" at any age.

I am not saying this to come down on you or to overstate things or to scare you.
Just for you to be aware of how alcoholism can permeate into all corners of the
home life.

A father can be a father...if he cares about his kids...no matter what the living situation is. He will always be their father and they will always want his love.

Yes....your kids are still young and have a lot of development ahead of them. I think that being in a stable and secure home is the best thing for them at any age.
Kids are very resilient and can adjust to living arrangements as long as that base line of love and security is still there from at least one consistent and loving caretaker.
Once active addictions--alcoholism---is part of the family....the "ideal" of the perfect Norman Rockwell situation is already gone. It just doesn't happen with active alcoholism. It is not called the family disease for no reason.
Separating from the alcoholism (if it comes to that necessity) is not the worse thing---living in an alcoholic home is the worse thing.

Now...I know I have been speaking in broad, general strokes on this subject.
And, the reason that I have....is to try to answer the sort of "academic" question that you asked. It is an important question, I think.....and, I am glad that you asked it.

I am just giving my input for you to have as much food for thought as possible....

dandylion

Kimmi0087

Nyinabo....I can say you have made a good move by joining this site. A lot of good advice so far has been given to you.
I was in your shoes about 9 years ago, but he is my second husband and no kids together. I delayed our wedding once because of the drinking and went ahead with it the second time we scheduled it. I saw the signs way back then. His dad is a RA of 35 years and that was another sign.

But, thinking it would get better or I could change him/help him get better, I didn't leave. Well, 9 years later I finally told him I was leaving and I had had enough. This is after many nights spent alone because he was passed out drunk or spending time by himself drinking because he didn't want me to see him like that.

Long story short...Hun, you will not be able to change/help him...He has to be willing to change/help himself. Until then, he will hide it from you and you won't even know he is drinking at some points. Mine fooled me and believe me, I was checking everywhere for beer. His kids barely talk to him now. My husband left for rehab for 28 days the day after I told him I was leaving and has been sober since May 22 of this year. It is a work in progress and will continue to be.

I can tell you this though, emotionally for you, it is better to make your decisions in the early stages and stick with them. Even still now I am dealing with depression and anger. I talk to a therapist for it. There is a lot of reading out there on this that would be good. I am happy to say my husband and I are still together and I love him more than ever. He is a wonderful "sober" man.

Please, think of you and your children first in this situation, that is the most important thing.

SparkleKitty

My mother never drank in front of me. I didn't know she was an alcoholic until I was 19 years old. What I did know and learn in a home with an alcoholic mother and codependent father was that my needs didn't count, that I must be perfect and ignore my own feelings, and that other people's feelings were entirely my responsibility. That I would never be good enough and that I didn't deserve love. I have spent years in therapy untangling the knots of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. It affected all of my relationships as a young adult. It was powerfully damaging to me. And I didn't even know my mother was an alcoholic.

ladyscribbler

My experience was similar to Sparklekitty's. I didn't associate the word "alcoholic" with my father until I was in my twenties, and by then the damage was done, mostly without me realize it. It isn't inherently harmful for children to see someone consume alcohol. It's all the other behaviors that go along with the disease (from both the alcoholic and the sober spouse) that wreak the mental and emotional havoc.

pregnant37

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this I'm experiencing the same thing and I have a baby on the way so I understand.. I was also a child that grew up in a home where my father was a drug addict and my mother spend all her time and energy on my father. I remember every single fight, I remember every time we ran out of food because my father used to spend his paycheck on drugs, I remember not having Christmas presents at Christmas time ,I remember finding drugs around the house, I remember my father acting strange and my mother chasing after him, I remember being left alone in my room scared and wondering what was going to happen next.. I can tell you one thing it has screwed me up severely . I've been in and out of horrible relationships with men all of my life. my self worth and self esteem are 0 to none. I don't have a relationship with my mother or my father because I resent my mom for not loving me as a child and being so consumed with my father and I resent my father for all the pain and chaos he brought to our family . so yes it's a terrible situation for a child to grow up in and they do retain a lot more than you think.. that's why I'm planning now before my baby gets here a way out because I refuse to allow my child to grow up in that environment like I did.

Tansy

I stayed. 18 years of it. My kids lives were ruined. My life was ruined. The consequences for us all were far reaching. Even our pets ended up being re-homed cos of his drinking. We had no money cos he took it all for drink ( and I only found out today cos he's gone into detox, drugs) . No one visited. I had no friends. My kids had no friends as no one could come round cos of him and they were scared of anyone they knew seeing him drunk.. Our house stank of pee. My kids lost their home cos we had to leave. He trashed it. Our beautiful home that I bought. 3 of my daughters and one son hate me and I've not seen them for over a year. All cos of his drinking and lies. So no you can't be with him and it no affect you and your kids. Unless he stops and never starts up again your lives will be ruined too. I wish I'd left years ago. All I have left is shoveling up the pieces and trying to glue us back together as a family and helping my kids who are still speaking to me move on. I am totally messed up. I can never trust a man again. All those years wasting my love and affection on an addict who couldn't care less about anything but where his next drink/score was coming from. I'd get out while you can before your kids are damaged beyond repair. Before you are.

Nyinabo

I've just come in from work (it's 9pm here) and my husband is reading to our children in bed. He's sober, he struggles with reading but he makes himself read to the kids every time he puts them to bed because they love it so much.
I just can't connect some of what I'm reading on here to the man in my home. I know in my head that he is ill and shows all the classic signs of early stage alcoholism, I know it's progressive. But my heart tells me this is a good man and he deserves our support. I want to be here when/if he does hit bottom.
Am I in denial?!!

TRD2014

You love him very much it's obvious and it's so early in his disease it has not become tragic (YET) .... I don't think you are in denial I just think you want so bad for him to be the exception to the rule. If he's told you he's not ready to quit yet but would like you to keep pushing him then I say get pushy!!!! Very pushy ask him to atleast do some research and talk to some folks even on this forum who have experienced all of it first hand allow him the opportunity to make an intelligent decision. If he is open who knows he may be ready to get sober. Keep in mind we are dealing with alcohol ... Cunning baffling and powerful. If he is not ready to stop he will tell you what ever it is he thinks you need to hear in order to continue... At that point please take to heart the words of experience of all the people who have shared with you ... You and your kids deserve not to go through what is coming if he does not stop.

Nyinabo

This is a great answer dandylion, thank you (all) so much for replying. I've got a lot of thinking to do it seems.

Nyinabo

Also a great answer. You guys obviously have so much experience I would be stupid not to listen. I am going to take your advice and push him to research and talk to people who have been through it. That will be my first step and I guess I will decide my second step when I see how he reacts to the first step. One thing I am certain of is I am not going to sit back and allow myself and my children to go down with him.