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New here....Need Help!

Old 08-16-2015, 11:57 PM
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New here....Need Help!

I’m 28 and an alcoholic. I’ve always had a tendency to abuse alcohol and drugs, but I’ve been drinking alcoholically for a few years now. I don’t do drugs much because they cost too much and I no longer have the connects that I had for them anymore. Right now my problem is alcohol. If I can go 2 days without a drink, that’s a long time for me. And when I drink, I don’t just have a few. I drink until I’m out of money, in which case I’ll steal for more booze, or I just pass out and wake up in the morning not knowing what happened. And I’m totally useless and destroyed physically the next day. That’s what I do 3-4 times a week and its killing me, physically and mentally. I drink ALL night one night, sleep off a hangover the next. Then the next day, it’s another huge binge. Its ruining all my relationships in life, with my girlfriend, the few friends I have left, and my family.

I can’t control it anymore. I’m totally powerless over it, as they say in AA. If I have even 10 bucks in my pocket, I will use it to get drunk. Period. Doesn’t matter how I’m feeling that day or what I had planned. My drinking comes before everything else in my life, which is why I’ve lost almost everything and have never been able to hold down a job for more than a few months.
I’ve been going to AA meetings a few times a week lately and even have a sponsor. But I’m still drinking regularly and keep it from him most of the time. I feel like if he knew how often I’m drinking, he would just drop me. I really want to stop because I know its ruining my life, but I just can’t. I don’t have the discipline or the will power. And I’m at the point now where my girlfriend and my parents both think I’ve been sober for over a month. But in reality I haven’t gotten more than a few days without a drink at any point in the last month. If my gf finds out I even drank once she’ll leave me and if my parents find out, specifically my dad, he’ll lose his mind because they’ve both had as much as they can take with my alcoholism. If put them through so much because of my addiction.

I’m at my wits end. I know I can’t continue like this but I don’t see a way out. Alcohol is my answer to everything and I can’t see my life without it. But I also can’t see me having any kind of productive or worthwhile life if I keep drinking. Can anyone help?
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Old 08-17-2015, 12:04 AM
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Wow, your message is so powerful in that you seem to be very clear with yourself that this is a huge problem, it is completely out of hand and your life in unmanageable.

Is in patient rehab an adoption for you? from what you write you have a hard time anytime you get your hands on a little bit of cash. Maybe separating yourself from the possibility of getting alcohol will give you a good start down this path.

Recovery is totally possible, read around here and see the stories of success. And don't feel terrible for not getting it right the first time. There are many of us here, myself included, who are taking a lot of time to get this right. Time is of the essence of course, we all hope that this time is the time that will stick, but if it doesn't the most important thing is to not give up and keep trying.

I want you to know that you are not a bad person because of your alcohol addiction. You may have done bad things, but you are more than your addiction. This is not your fault that you are like this, you have a disease. What will be your fault is if you don't work on getting yourself out of this cycle of addiction.

You can do this. It won't be easy but it is entirely possible.
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Old 08-17-2015, 12:07 AM
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Glad you came to join us. It does sound like you may need help in person as well as this forum. You can beat this, there are a lot of people here who were where you are now and they are sober.
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Old 08-17-2015, 12:08 AM
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Welcome

You're in a good place here, so it's great that you're posting and reaching out :-)

With your AA sponsor, it's really hard talking about a relapse, but I admitted it to my sponsor a few times and she would tell me to pick myself up and start again. We'd then have a long conversation about what to do differently this time and start over on step one.
Being honest has been a huge part of my sobriety, it's scary though!

Have you tried looking into getting some extra help aside from AA? I go to a drug and alcohol community centre once a week and they provide therapy etc.
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Old 08-17-2015, 12:09 AM
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Hi and welcome mindracer

I think you'll find a lot of help and support here, for sure. Manys the time I know SR helped me through wanting to drink...I used to be an all day everyday drinker, but SR helped me on my way to over 8 years recovery now
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Old 08-17-2015, 12:12 AM
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Oh another thing I wanted to add, maybe the "one day at a time" things is not working enough for you. For now you might need to break that down into smaller chunks. "one hour at a time" or "five minutes at a time"

How about heading off to bed now? It's late in NY! If you are drinking, dump the rest. Get into bed and start this thing tomorrow. Just make it until tomorrow morning without drinking any more.
Tomorrow, get up, have a glass of warm water with lemon. Then make yourself a coffee or tea and hour by hour get through the day. When the evening hits (that seems to be your rough time from what you say) get yourself to a meeting or two, come on here, go for a run or bike ride, anything to distract you. And just pass the hours or minutes without drinking.
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Old 08-17-2015, 04:49 AM
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[QUOTE=MindRacer14;
I’m at my wits end. I know I can’t continue like this but I don’t see a way out. Alcohol is my answer to everything and I can’t see my life without it. But I also can’t see me having any kind of productive or worthwhile life if I keep drinking. Can anyone help?[/QUOTE]


Hi.

Alcohol is a temporary escape feel good fluid that takes more from us than it ever gives. At times it will not give the escape we once had and we feel more miserable than ever with real alcohol induced ailments like cancers of the tongue, throat, liver, stomach, pancreas and on and on.
My wife is a Hospice nurse and describes an alcoholics death about the worse and most painful. I know we can’t scare many alcoholics, I’m throwing that out so perhaps it might help just one person in their thinking because if we continue to drink we are eligible also.

BE WELL
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Old 08-17-2015, 04:53 AM
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Keep posting MindRacer. Talk to us.
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Old 08-17-2015, 06:44 AM
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Welcome Mindracer
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Old 08-17-2015, 10:12 AM
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How's it going right now MindRacer? I've been thinking of you all day. I hope you can find the strength to get going on this journey. I'm still at the beginning myself, but all the stories of success here show me that it is definitely worth fighting for. And really, could sobriety be any worse than being constantly drunk and hungover, miserable, tired, depressed and self-loathing? I'm pretty sure it has to be even just a little better, but my guess is it is a lot better.
Do check in here. Reach out for face to face support as well. You are not alone and there are tons of people who understand what you are going through.
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Old 08-17-2015, 10:50 AM
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MindRacer, go tell your sponsor that you've been relapsing. They're not gonna "fire" you right there and then, if at all. But you will get nowhere if you keep lying to them...you'll be wasting your time and theirs. A good sponsor isn't going to judge you...he or she will understand that it's a disease and that it's cunning, powerful and baffling.

We come to AA to save our asses, not our faces. Do you want a slow and painful death, or do you want recovery? The hand of AA is there for you if you want to reach out and grab it. It doesn't care that you've relapsed and are lying about it. It only cares that you're reaching out for it and it will pick you up and carry you until you can stand on your own two feet, if you're willing.

When I was new, almost 18 years ago, what go me through those cravings and obsessions was prayer. At that point, it didn't matter whether or not I believed in something and whether or not I thought anything existed. I was at my wit's ends and willing to go to any lengths. And all I did was pray to have the obsession to use/drink removed. And it worked.
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Old 08-17-2015, 05:40 PM
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Hi Mindracer, sounds like you are in a bit of a conundrum, you are being honest with yourself and those of us here on SR, but lying to those close to you. People here talk about surrendering, and it sounds like you are at that point. As hard as it maybe, sharing your thoughts with your parents and girlfriend may surprise you and work in your favor. I'm sure they don't want to see you suffer. And it sounds like you are suffering. I wish you the best, stay honest, and reach out for some help. As others have mentioned, alcohol does indeed kill people. Worse yet, it can kill people who have quit drinking via the withdrawal process. Serious stuff.
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Old 08-17-2015, 06:42 PM
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AA works best with Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness.

Talk with your sponsor and start getting real. You will be able to stay stopped!!!

Hugs and Love to you
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Old 08-17-2015, 07:29 PM
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Thank you for the responses everyone! I got more than I thought I would get lol. I got some really good feedback here. I'm going to try to use it and work on myself and staying sober. Haven't had a drink yet today and I'm planning on going to sleep soon. So that's at least one day I have. The more days I can get the better, and even if I slip up, hopefully I can keep them few and far between. Thanks again.
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