Flavia2

I'm working so hard on my recovery. AH left (again, how many times have I written that!) about 2 months ago, all arrogance and conceit. He doesn't want me, go file for divorce, blah blah. A lot of other really mean things that cut to the core. I just said, OK. No arguing.

Now, months later, the texts start. All the usual stuff.

Not answering, because even though I feel terrible and very sorry for him, I need to keep the focus on me and the kids. I want to have a life. I want them to have a childhood where one parent is present! I just can't get sucked into his drama.

What's bothering me is that I still feel so sorry for him. It still feels like it rips me apart inside. Will that ever go away? Does it mean I'm really not progressing? Will I ever be able to file?

mech

My wife left me 10 days ago because of my drinking. It don't sound as bad as what you are going through but it made me hit bottom. I am sober since then and don't believe I will get her back but at least I am not hurting them anymore

Flavia2

I think there is either a personality disorder or mental illness along with the alcoholism. I've tried to get him to see a doctor.

LexieCat

Maybe he does have a mental illness, or maybe he doesn't. Everything you've described is consistent with plain old alcoholism.

You can file for divorce even as you feel compassion for him. I felt compassion for my second husband when I filed for divorce. I knew I couldn't do anything for him, and there was no point in my going down with him.

FeelingGreat

Flavia it sounds like you're the fall-back person when hits hard times. Say he does come home, you feed him up and look after him? How long before the cycle starts all over again?

I understand you pity him, but you have your children to think about as well, and this is not good for them. Let your AH go, and remember that letting him come home will just delay the time when he gets desperate enough to think about sobriety.

Refiner

Mech can I ask you - do you think you'll stay sober even if she doesn't come back?

dandylion

Flavia.....could you, at least, file separation papers?

To answer your question....YES, you will be able to file.

Why don't you make a list of all the damage that this is doing to the kids, you, and to him....yes-him. Because this is just catering to the disease. Look at it this way---when you cater to his disease that is enabling and harming him....
Then make another column fo the good that it would do the kids and yourself if you were to file.
Keep the list to read every day---as many times as you need to read it.

That will help you to lead with your brain rather than your heart.
Keep your brain in charge---your heart will not be able to "help" you right now...

dandylion

Pia

My cycle was he was here for no more that less than a year and then out he goes. Back and forth back and forth, Wash rinse and repeat. This went on for 13 years.

I didn't do it right the first time or the 100th time but each time I was the one that was hurting and aching and getting older from heartache and pain. All the while he is smoking and drinking. The truth is he is sick and I can't do anything about it and neither can you!!
Try and focus on you and those kids. I know it hurts and stings but it's ok to take care of yourself and love yourself.

hopeful4

My X drives me crazy. I know he has mental illness, and he is mean and manipulative. I still feel sad that this has taken over his life, and I still wish he would be well. Not for me, I will NEVER be with him again. For himself. For our children. For the future.

Just because you have compassion for a person does not mean anything other than you are a compassionate and caring person.

XXX

mech

Absolutely. This is my second time around. I have hurt too many people. I honestly have no desire to to drink right now. I am fixing me. I used to say I was comfortable with my demons. We don't talk anymore
.

hopeful4

Good for you! Love this....that you and the demons don't talk anymore!

amy55

I know this cycle well. My ex was a "runner". Always running away from home for sometimes a month or 2 at a time. I never did handle this well, because as soon as I felt I was doing OK, he would just return home, like he had some kind of a radar on my mental health. I was not quite strong enough to want to walk alone, but I was getting better everyday. Then he would show up, and I would just fall back again.

It is really hard, but if you do let him back in, then it is back to lather, rinse, repeat. Just think of the reason that they do this, either to go "binge" or to punish you. He was thinking of you or the children, only himself. When they come back, they aren't thinking of you or the children, only his own selfish wants.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Refiner

Congratulations mech. I guess you could say you hit bottom then? I ask bc that's what we struggle with so much with these cycles and the back story of the OP... When he comes weaseling back (and he WILL, that's his cycle) how does one know things WILL be different??

Flavia2

I haven't been able to log in and read due to work and getting busy with the papers I'll need if / when I file.
Thank you so much, everyone! I held strong and said absolutely no to coming home.
You've all shared many valuable thoughts and experiences that are helping me get through this.

I can't thank you enough!

Hopeworks

Stay strong and let him find his own way out of his addiction if he so chooses...if he does choose recovery it will mean so much more to him if he does all the work needed.

My XA was shocked when I refused to let him back in my life after many years of many relapses. Later he shared that the parachute I always opened for him emboldened him to embark on his crazy, insane benders knowing that I would "rescue" him when his body broke down and his resources ran out.

Pity doesn't help them... it cripples them in fact. Train up an alcoholic to use and abuse you and they will never stop... set boundaries and don't bend when they quack and cry and they will figure out how to solve the problems they created and hopefully learn how to respect others...especially family!