Is my ex-friend addicted to recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3
Is my ex-friend addicted to recovery?
Hi,
I'm a newcomer to this forum (just created this account minutes ago), and have a quick question about an ex-friend of mine who had a drug problem.
The reason that I say ex-friend is that we used to be best friends, but then something (not important to the question) happened, and I haven't talked to him in a year.
Anyway, when he was 16, he started drinking heavily and doing drugs. Eventually he got arrested, went to AA and started working with a drug counselor who he now wants to emulate as a career path. He's been clean for three years or so now.
It's great that he's clean, and wanting to help people in similar situations to where he was himself, however I think that his interest in drug and alcohol counseling and AA has gotten out of hand. All he talks about with friends is recovery and how's he still an alcoholic after three years of not drinking or doing drugs. On social media, he posts multiple times a day about recovery and sober living, etc.. He also lives in a sober house at the college he goes to and many of his friends were alcoholics before getting clean. He seems to be living in the past when he was just starting to go to AA, and he can't seem to realize that he made a big step in his life, congratulate himself, and move on.
So the question is, "Is my ex-friend addicted to being in recovery, and if so, why do you think that that's the case?"
I'm a newcomer to this forum (just created this account minutes ago), and have a quick question about an ex-friend of mine who had a drug problem.
The reason that I say ex-friend is that we used to be best friends, but then something (not important to the question) happened, and I haven't talked to him in a year.
Anyway, when he was 16, he started drinking heavily and doing drugs. Eventually he got arrested, went to AA and started working with a drug counselor who he now wants to emulate as a career path. He's been clean for three years or so now.
It's great that he's clean, and wanting to help people in similar situations to where he was himself, however I think that his interest in drug and alcohol counseling and AA has gotten out of hand. All he talks about with friends is recovery and how's he still an alcoholic after three years of not drinking or doing drugs. On social media, he posts multiple times a day about recovery and sober living, etc.. He also lives in a sober house at the college he goes to and many of his friends were alcoholics before getting clean. He seems to be living in the past when he was just starting to go to AA, and he can't seem to realize that he made a big step in his life, congratulate himself, and move on.
So the question is, "Is my ex-friend addicted to being in recovery, and if so, why do you think that that's the case?"
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Well, beating an addiction can be a huge deal for someone and they may need to change their frame of mind completely to be successful, and for some that means going 100% in recovery mode. Having said that, I think people in recover should fight the tendency to become one-dimensional bores to the rest of the world...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me as if he's found a passion. Look, if he took a class in motorcycle mechanics or sailing or something, and he lived, ate, breathed that, and wanted to make a career of it, would you refer to it as an "addiction"? Maybe you wouldn't share the passion and your friendship would fade as it often does when you no longer share the same interests.
People die of addictions to drugs and alcohol every single day. Thank God we have dedicated, passionate counselors and therapists who dedicate their lives to this, just as we have doctors, nurses, and other caring professionals whose lives are dedicated to helping others.
I'd suggest you be happy for him. It doesn't sound like he feels he's missing out on anything, so wish him well.
People die of addictions to drugs and alcohol every single day. Thank God we have dedicated, passionate counselors and therapists who dedicate their lives to this, just as we have doctors, nurses, and other caring professionals whose lives are dedicated to helping others.
I'd suggest you be happy for him. It doesn't sound like he feels he's missing out on anything, so wish him well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kevin.....just remember that he is still in what is called "early recovery". And will still be for a while.
He is a young adult, I presume. I presume you are the same age...lol.
It sounds like you are missing your old friend. For that, I sympathize with you.
You are probably mourning that...which would be a normal reaction.
Who knows what he will be like---with his non-recovery friends and acquaintences? In 3 more years; 5yrs; 10yrs...?
Maturity of aging and more time in recovery may balance him out......
This is one of the realities of life.....some things just change and there is nothing we can do about it.....
I know how you feel, though....
dandylion
Have you tried to initiate contact with him in any way during this past year?
He is a young adult, I presume. I presume you are the same age...lol.
It sounds like you are missing your old friend. For that, I sympathize with you.
You are probably mourning that...which would be a normal reaction.
Who knows what he will be like---with his non-recovery friends and acquaintences? In 3 more years; 5yrs; 10yrs...?
Maturity of aging and more time in recovery may balance him out......
This is one of the realities of life.....some things just change and there is nothing we can do about it.....
I know how you feel, though....
dandylion
Have you tried to initiate contact with him in any way during this past year?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by dandylion 
kevin.....just remember that he is still in what is called "early recovery". And will still be for a while.
He is a young adult, I presume. I presume you are the same age...lol.
It sounds like you are missing your old friend. For that, I sympathize with you.
You are probably mourning that...which would be a normal reaction.
Who knows what he will be like---with his non-recovery friends and acquaintences? In 3 more years; 5yrs; 10yrs...?
Maturity of aging and more time in recovery may balance him out......
This is one of the realities of life.....some things just change and there is nothing we can do about it.....
I know how you feel, though....
dandylion
Have you tried to initiate contact with him in any way during this past year?
He is a young adult, I presume. I presume you are the same age...lol.
It sounds like you are missing your old friend. For that, I sympathize with you.
You are probably mourning that...which would be a normal reaction.
Who knows what he will be like---with his non-recovery friends and acquaintences? In 3 more years; 5yrs; 10yrs...?
Maturity of aging and more time in recovery may balance him out......
This is one of the realities of life.....some things just change and there is nothing we can do about it.....
I know how you feel, though....
dandylion
Have you tried to initiate contact with him in any way during this past year?
I met a good friend of mine, let's call him Mr. X, in the fall semester of my senior year of high school. We got along quickly and soon became good friends, and he introduced me to his friends, who I also became good friends with. One of those people was Mr. Y, the one who was addicted to alcohol and drugs, and who later became my best friend.
Three months later, in the winter of 2012/2013, I started seeing a drug counselor, who also did regular counseling, due to depression that I was having at the time. Mr. Y just happened to work for this new counselor, and he sat in on my sessions with him. Eventually, we started talking about our emotions and feelings, in addition to being good friends. This was something that I couldn't really talk about with my other friends, and so I felt closer to him.
Everything was fine between us, and the group in general, until the spring of 2014. I was a freshman in college in my second semester, and going through another episode of depression due to my friends in college moving on. At that time, I thought that I would still have my friends from high school, especially Mr. Y, no matter what. In April of that year, Mr. Y and Mr. X got into a huge fight over the fact that Mr. X was dating Ms. Z, who Mr. Y liked, and who Mr. X said that he wouldn't start dating, but it just happened anyway. I remember Mr. Y saying that the group, especially Mr X, had values that he didn't agree with, and started hanging out more and more with Mr. A, who was Mr. X's good friend. Mr. A was in a frat, partied a lot, and was a typical bro, and as Mr. Y started hanging out with him more, he became more and more like that, going to raves, working out and in general becoming a totally different person than he was before.
I tried hanging out with Mr. Y and Mr. A, but that style isn't really me, and I felt myself liking it less and less. I couldn't really talk with Mr. Y about anything else than feelings, and he wouldn't share any of his saying that he was "dealing with underlying issues" and that on a day to day basis, everything was fine. Our common interests felt less common, as he became sucked into this world of partying hard, combined with more and more interest in recovery and wanting to be a drug counselor.
In the meantime, a huge rift developed between Mr. Y and Mr. A, and the rest of the group over Mr. Y leaving the group and causing drama. I felt caught between them, but ultimately sided with the rest of the group, including Mr. X.
In the fall of 2014, as I was entering my sophomore year of college, I decided to end it with Mr. Y. I said that we needed to take a break from our relationship, and that I'll contact him when I'm ready. In December 2014, I sent him a letter explaining how I felt, but wanting to get back to talking with him, and potentially be his friend. He never responded, but the drug counselor that I still see (not for drug related issues) said that he got the letter.
Another note is that in January 2015, I went to Mr. Y's college and by chance happened to see him. After everything that happened he acted as if everything was fine, and nothing had happened. We talked for a few minutes, but it was the most awkward conversation I've ever had.
Now, part of me is ready to talk to him, and forgive him for almost destroying my group of friends from high school by leaving and causing a big rift, but part of me is still angry. I think about him a lot, and don't really know what to do. I feel like I gave him a chance to talk to me when I sent him the letter, and he turned it down.
Maybe he just moved on, and maybe I should too. I really don't know at this point what I should do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
You're at an age where friendships and personalities evolve rapidly. It does sound like you and your friend have just grown apart. That doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is a bad person. It's maybe a good life lesson--friendships evolve, sometimes they don't last forever.
It must be especially difficult because him sitting in on your therapy means he must know some pretty intimate things about you! Honestly, it seems odd to me that a therapist would allow someone to sit in on a patient's therapy when the two people are also friends in real life. That seems like there should be a boundary there, in the same way that patients and therapists shouldn't have personal relationships for ethical reasons. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be a safe place, separate from the day to day stress of maintaining relationships.
But in any case, it sounds like you've tried to reach out to him, and it's time to just move on. You will have many more friendships come and go in your lifetime!
It must be especially difficult because him sitting in on your therapy means he must know some pretty intimate things about you! Honestly, it seems odd to me that a therapist would allow someone to sit in on a patient's therapy when the two people are also friends in real life. That seems like there should be a boundary there, in the same way that patients and therapists shouldn't have personal relationships for ethical reasons. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be a safe place, separate from the day to day stress of maintaining relationships.
But in any case, it sounds like you've tried to reach out to him, and it's time to just move on. You will have many more friendships come and go in your lifetime!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly what jj said. Not all friendships are lifetime friendships, any more than every intimate relationship lasts a lifetime. People change, and as noted, people change a lot during their late teens and early 20s.
I'd let it go--you will find new friends, some of whom will probably be lifelong friends.
I'd let it go--you will find new friends, some of whom will probably be lifelong friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by jjj111
You're at an age where friendships and personalities evolve rapidly. It does sound like you and your friend have just grown apart. That doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is a bad person. It's maybe a good life lesson--friendships evolve, sometimes they don't last forever.
It must be especially difficult because him sitting in on your therapy means he must know some pretty intimate things about you! Honestly, it seems odd to me that a therapist would allow someone to sit in on a patient's therapy when the two people are also friends in real life. That seems like there should be a boundary there, in the same way that patients and therapists shouldn't have personal relationships for ethical reasons. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be a safe place, separate from the day to day stress of maintaining relationships.
But in any case, it sounds like you've tried to reach out to him, and it's time to just move on. You will have many more friendships come and go in your lifetime!
It must be especially difficult because him sitting in on your therapy means he must know some pretty intimate things about you! Honestly, it seems odd to me that a therapist would allow someone to sit in on a patient's therapy when the two people are also friends in real life. That seems like there should be a boundary there, in the same way that patients and therapists shouldn't have personal relationships for ethical reasons. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be a safe place, separate from the day to day stress of maintaining relationships.
But in any case, it sounds like you've tried to reach out to him, and it's time to just move on. You will have many more friendships come and go in your lifetime!
When I originally stopped talking to him, I was really depressed for about a month or so. After that, I was really angry with him, and wanted to punch him in the face, or get revenge on him in some way. Finally, I am where I am now, where I'm kind of over it, but I guess I just need to move on and find new friends.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Kevin - I'm sorry you are hurting, it sucks to mourn the loss of any significant relationship.
As far as whether he's addicted to recovery you are touching on a topic that can be very hard for those who are close to an alcoholic or other addict as they begin to recover. It's a difficult thing to accept sometimes but as the person in recovery gets well they might no longer choose to be around the people they were with when they were actively using because unless those people are also growing and changing they probably aren't healthy for them. Note that I say that with a big dose of humility because after 4 years of my recovered alcoholic wife doing AA while I did nothing because i did not have a problem I almost lost her because I was getting less healthy as she got more healthy.
You mention several times that you were depressed because of this person or that event. A couple months ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after never in my life having had any issues there that I knew about but it finally got me off my ass and into al-anon to work on my own issues. I've been a successful executive with no history of drug or alcohol abuse, a graduate degree etcetera etcetera so I did not realize that I had issues just like everyone else.
One very disconcerting and humbling realization I have had is that every single problem, conflict or unpleasant event in my life has had one thing and only one thing in common - Me.
...but that's sorta kinda a good thing too because that is the one person in this world I have a chance to alter, control and improve to meet my needs and expectations.
I'm admitting my own mental health 'issues' for a reason, I don't want you to take it the wrong way when I say that your unhappiness is not due to him or other friends and they can't fix it. If you have issues with depression that are due to a chemical imbalance you can't 12 step your way around that, you need medicine for that. If you are depressed due to external factors and/or trauma you may need therapy to help you deal with that but I would urge you, with the utmost respect and empathy, not to look around for the cause or solution to your struggles in other people. Other people can enhance or detract from your life but at the end of the day we each have to have the courage to face our own issues and begin to deal with them. It took me about 45 years of cramming stuff down and blaming others before i got my head around that so if you can come to realize, accept and act upon your own issues at half my age then you will be twice as smart as I was ;-)
It's OK to mourn the loss of a relationship, it says you are human and sensitive and ...I hate the word Normal. Perhaps 'typical' is a better one because who the hell is normal? Where is that elusive, unremarkable and incredibly beige individual and why in God's name would we want to be her/him? ...but we want to react to typical stresses in a healthy way rather than to have a '10' reaction to a '5' event, right?
Be happy for your friend, being addicted to helping others find their way out of the hell of addiction is a wonderful thing and I hope he never stops doing it. I also hope you find the keys to your own happiness and recovery from depression within yourself because that is probably the only place you will find them.
I wish you the very best and am so sorry that you are hurting. Hang in there and take care of yourself and know that better days are ahead and that you can hasten or delay their arrival regardless of what anyone else does. Hopefully that thought is encouraging and helps a bit.
As far as whether he's addicted to recovery you are touching on a topic that can be very hard for those who are close to an alcoholic or other addict as they begin to recover. It's a difficult thing to accept sometimes but as the person in recovery gets well they might no longer choose to be around the people they were with when they were actively using because unless those people are also growing and changing they probably aren't healthy for them. Note that I say that with a big dose of humility because after 4 years of my recovered alcoholic wife doing AA while I did nothing because i did not have a problem I almost lost her because I was getting less healthy as she got more healthy.
You mention several times that you were depressed because of this person or that event. A couple months ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after never in my life having had any issues there that I knew about but it finally got me off my ass and into al-anon to work on my own issues. I've been a successful executive with no history of drug or alcohol abuse, a graduate degree etcetera etcetera so I did not realize that I had issues just like everyone else.
One very disconcerting and humbling realization I have had is that every single problem, conflict or unpleasant event in my life has had one thing and only one thing in common - Me.
...but that's sorta kinda a good thing too because that is the one person in this world I have a chance to alter, control and improve to meet my needs and expectations.
I'm admitting my own mental health 'issues' for a reason, I don't want you to take it the wrong way when I say that your unhappiness is not due to him or other friends and they can't fix it. If you have issues with depression that are due to a chemical imbalance you can't 12 step your way around that, you need medicine for that. If you are depressed due to external factors and/or trauma you may need therapy to help you deal with that but I would urge you, with the utmost respect and empathy, not to look around for the cause or solution to your struggles in other people. Other people can enhance or detract from your life but at the end of the day we each have to have the courage to face our own issues and begin to deal with them. It took me about 45 years of cramming stuff down and blaming others before i got my head around that so if you can come to realize, accept and act upon your own issues at half my age then you will be twice as smart as I was ;-)
It's OK to mourn the loss of a relationship, it says you are human and sensitive and ...I hate the word Normal. Perhaps 'typical' is a better one because who the hell is normal? Where is that elusive, unremarkable and incredibly beige individual and why in God's name would we want to be her/him? ...but we want to react to typical stresses in a healthy way rather than to have a '10' reaction to a '5' event, right?
Be happy for your friend, being addicted to helping others find their way out of the hell of addiction is a wonderful thing and I hope he never stops doing it. I also hope you find the keys to your own happiness and recovery from depression within yourself because that is probably the only place you will find them.
I wish you the very best and am so sorry that you are hurting. Hang in there and take care of yourself and know that better days are ahead and that you can hasten or delay their arrival regardless of what anyone else does. Hopefully that thought is encouraging and helps a bit.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
We are always recovering no matter how long we've been sober.
At the World Convention one old timer was still going to meeting after being sober for 66 years.
Your friend is grateful for being sober,wish him well.
At the World Convention one old timer was still going to meeting after being sober for 66 years.
Your friend is grateful for being sober,wish him well.
Originally Posted by kevin1111
Hi,
I'm a newcomer to this forum (just created this account minutes ago), and have a quick question about an ex-friend of mine who had a drug problem.
The reason that I say ex-friend is that we used to be best friends, but then something (not important to the question) happened, and I haven't talked to him in a year.
Anyway, when he was 16, he started drinking heavily and doing drugs. Eventually he got arrested, went to AA and started working with a drug counselor who he now wants to emulate as a career path. He's been clean for three years or so now.
It's great that he's clean, and wanting to help people in similar situations to where he was himself, however I think that his interest in drug and alcohol counseling and AA has gotten out of hand. All he talks about with friends is recovery and how's he still an alcoholic after three years of not drinking or doing drugs. On social media, he posts multiple times a day about recovery and sober living, etc.. He also lives in a sober house at the college he goes to and many of his friends were alcoholics before getting clean. He seems to be living in the past when he was just starting to go to AA, and he can't seem to realize that he made a big step in his life, congratulate himself, and move on.
So the question is, "Is my ex-friend addicted to being in recovery, and if so, why do you think that that's the case?"
I'm a newcomer to this forum (just created this account minutes ago), and have a quick question about an ex-friend of mine who had a drug problem.
The reason that I say ex-friend is that we used to be best friends, but then something (not important to the question) happened, and I haven't talked to him in a year.
Anyway, when he was 16, he started drinking heavily and doing drugs. Eventually he got arrested, went to AA and started working with a drug counselor who he now wants to emulate as a career path. He's been clean for three years or so now.
It's great that he's clean, and wanting to help people in similar situations to where he was himself, however I think that his interest in drug and alcohol counseling and AA has gotten out of hand. All he talks about with friends is recovery and how's he still an alcoholic after three years of not drinking or doing drugs. On social media, he posts multiple times a day about recovery and sober living, etc.. He also lives in a sober house at the college he goes to and many of his friends were alcoholics before getting clean. He seems to be living in the past when he was just starting to go to AA, and he can't seem to realize that he made a big step in his life, congratulate himself, and move on.
So the question is, "Is my ex-friend addicted to being in recovery, and if so, why do you think that that's the case?"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
