What is in a year?
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
What is in a year?
I opened my eyes and attempted to move. In a split second the world I created crushed in on my mind. Panic filled every ounce of being I had. I looked out the glass door at the sheriffs deputies. I had been here before. Back in 2003. Only this time I had no memory of how I got here. What I did.
I knew they would do nothing to sooth my worries. I knew they would not care if I knocked on the thick glass of my cell. I knew the drunk tank was just viewable out the edge on my site line. I could hear the drunks banging on the walls. I could hear screaming from women in cells that they need to get out. I could see new drunks being processed. Yet why was I separated from the pack? Had I done something so bad that I was going to jail forever? No.... Just an order to hold me until I can sober up. I was that bad.
How did I get to that point so quickly when I had been doing very well. I move states away from what was an unhealthy way of life. I was hopeful. Yet in a seemingly fleeting moment I let it all go and so I sat. Fear and crying and panic and self loathing at the highest levels.
I visited a place last August that set off in me a chain reaction. Like a fuse lite until it reached its target and then BOOM! I remember starting that day unbelievably low. Unable to move. Yet I forced myself. I even prepared for this event. I asked PK to cover the weekender. I could not keep myself together. I could not reach out past myself. I was paralyzed.
Since last August I have done much to care for myself. Staying sober has become something different. Something part of me. I got myself to rehab in the evenings within just two days after totaling my car and getting released. I hunted down a therapist and have been going ever since. I found a close friend at work who helped calm me when fear gripped me. I used SR not to talk about it but as a safe place to come to regain my stability. I used every weekender thread as a way to hold me up. Mecanix did not let me find a way to get out of starting it in fear I was not ok. But I am ok. Thanks M.
Why tell anyone now? No one need know I had a colossal fail. I have always said I don't like to count time. That the real measure of my living sober is in what I have done to change my life. I took a little inventory today and damn. Healthier than ever. Lost 25 lbs. Work is going amazing. SMART meeting every week. Therapist ongoing. New car... Haha.... But there is much more self love than ever before. More self respect. A wicked huge lesson learned. And hope abounds. To what end I don't know but WTF... That's what life is supposed to be. Let's see what's next...
I don't know. I just don't. I wake everyday and never... I mean never... Leave my home, which I love, without saying thank you. I could have seriously hurt someone. I did not. But as I went through the process of settling everything. As I grew by leaps and bounds because of it. I know I have chosen to stand up and live. Despite ongoing depression I still say no. Hell no. I choose life.
Well.... That's what a year has done for me. I have come a far far way. Yet I feel I only just started.
Remember to smile today. Happiness is a muscle so keep it healthy and give it a good flex!!!
Thank you my lovely SR friends. I am doing well.
Ken
I knew they would do nothing to sooth my worries. I knew they would not care if I knocked on the thick glass of my cell. I knew the drunk tank was just viewable out the edge on my site line. I could hear the drunks banging on the walls. I could hear screaming from women in cells that they need to get out. I could see new drunks being processed. Yet why was I separated from the pack? Had I done something so bad that I was going to jail forever? No.... Just an order to hold me until I can sober up. I was that bad.
How did I get to that point so quickly when I had been doing very well. I move states away from what was an unhealthy way of life. I was hopeful. Yet in a seemingly fleeting moment I let it all go and so I sat. Fear and crying and panic and self loathing at the highest levels.
I visited a place last August that set off in me a chain reaction. Like a fuse lite until it reached its target and then BOOM! I remember starting that day unbelievably low. Unable to move. Yet I forced myself. I even prepared for this event. I asked PK to cover the weekender. I could not keep myself together. I could not reach out past myself. I was paralyzed.
Since last August I have done much to care for myself. Staying sober has become something different. Something part of me. I got myself to rehab in the evenings within just two days after totaling my car and getting released. I hunted down a therapist and have been going ever since. I found a close friend at work who helped calm me when fear gripped me. I used SR not to talk about it but as a safe place to come to regain my stability. I used every weekender thread as a way to hold me up. Mecanix did not let me find a way to get out of starting it in fear I was not ok. But I am ok. Thanks M.
Why tell anyone now? No one need know I had a colossal fail. I have always said I don't like to count time. That the real measure of my living sober is in what I have done to change my life. I took a little inventory today and damn. Healthier than ever. Lost 25 lbs. Work is going amazing. SMART meeting every week. Therapist ongoing. New car... Haha.... But there is much more self love than ever before. More self respect. A wicked huge lesson learned. And hope abounds. To what end I don't know but WTF... That's what life is supposed to be. Let's see what's next...
I don't know. I just don't. I wake everyday and never... I mean never... Leave my home, which I love, without saying thank you. I could have seriously hurt someone. I did not. But as I went through the process of settling everything. As I grew by leaps and bounds because of it. I know I have chosen to stand up and live. Despite ongoing depression I still say no. Hell no. I choose life.
Well.... That's what a year has done for me. I have come a far far way. Yet I feel I only just started.
Remember to smile today. Happiness is a muscle so keep it healthy and give it a good flex!!!
Thank you my lovely SR friends. I am doing well.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Thank you for this.I have been avoiding SR for some reason since Robby passed. How fitting that you should write this. Both you and Robby reached out to me when you didn't think I seemed like myself. You both also had stuff going on of your own but took the time to talk to me. Thank you for reminding me that I still have many reasons to be here.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Originally Posted by Della1968 
Thank you for this.I have been avoiding SR for some reason since Robby passed. How fitting that you should write this. Both you and Robby reached out to me when you didn't think I seemed like myself. You both also had stuff going on of your own but took the time to talk to me. Thank you for reminding me that I still have many reasons to be here.
I deserve the best I can offer myself. And you do too!!!!!
Ken
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Such a lovely and encouraging post, Ken. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with this community and for all the encouragement you give others. It's people like you that have given me the hope to continue on this path. 
((((Della))))....love you sister.
((((Della))))....love you sister.
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