Liveitwell

Thoughts in my head-did I ever know my ex? Truly? His actions have been so horrendous that I question if this is the "real" him-not the person he said he was to me for years. Or if this is just what happens with addiction. It's like he uses other people for his self worth and to fill him up-being my husband gave him am identity although alcoholism fractured our love and our family-and him. Trust me, i get the feeling needed and being a part of something bc I was the same way....ACOA codependent for sure. It's just all so sad sometimes. The deep questions haunt me-truly. But I have faith my God has got me and will take care of me and reveal the answers...someday. I used to think the world of my then husband and respected the heck out of him. Not abymore. Just sad, you know? Thanks for listening.

SeriousKarma

I think I know what you mean, hon. Waking up Saturday morning with thoughts like that on your head is not the best way to start the weekend. If I was there I'd drag you out of the house to go antiquing with me. But I'm not, so I'll send you a big (((((((( hug )))))))) instead.

I've watched my own XAH through a magnifying glass for a number of years now, and am still baffled by his chameleon like ways, changing large areas of his personality to better reflect whomever he's currently in love with. It's very unsettling to think that he could have been mimicking my likes, wants, and values as well.

But, I don't think that's the case. I think the person I met, and fell in love with, was a "whole person". Flawed? Yes. Broken in some hidden way? Yes. Alcoholic? Oh, Hell to the yeah! But I don't think he had starting fracturing himself in to this weird kind of split personality.

Honestly Four, I think that started after (and quite possibly because) we had a kid. I think it was the pressures, and insecurities of parenting, that brought all of his issues to the foreground. At that point, not only did his alcoholism progress, but the underlying mental illness, demons, unaddressed trauma, whatever, progressed as well.

I don't know. It's still mystery. Probably one that will never be solved. But I do know how you feel, and I want you to know that you are absolutely not the only one who has woken up in the morning with a big dark cloud of question marks hanging over your head. The weight of it can feel crushing sometimes, but it does get better. The clouds get smaller and smaller, and the sun get brighter and brighter the farther we get from away from the center of the storm.

Take care of yourself. Hope the rest of your day gets brighter.

Timetoheal12

Long ago, I was having a conversation with a good friend about the horrible things exabf did to me. About how confused I felt with him, saying how much he loved me. I really, really felt it was real. Then, I asked my friend: "would you say that a person who did all of this, actually loved me, and wasn't a bad person?"

My friend just silently looked at me and replied:
"I think this might help you. If he was capable to do all those things, whilst loving you, he might have lived something terrible in his past. Something that makes him be that way. I guess you should just feel sorry for him".

It took me a long while to understand my friend's words, but today I feel like I finally do. It's not about pity, but more about forgiveness. I will never make excuses for what he did but at the same time, yes. He must be a very tormented soul to act as he did.


Hope that helps...? Have a nice day, Forourgirls.

maia1234

F- Me and my XAH started dating my sophomore in high school. I don't think he had any traumatic event in his life. What I feel happened in my life is, that we partied for 8 years together, got married, had children. During the 18 years kids were home he "tamed" himself as much as possible. Lots of slip ups, lies and crap, but still held it together. When DD18 left for school 3 years ago, he let loose. He was a "caged" bird in this marriage. Kids were "gone" and so was he.

So for the most part, he kept his act together to be the "best" Dad he could be, then life was to much fun to be married, responsible, take care of the house and everything else. He hated all responsibility that prevented him from partying. So now that is all he does, not stop partying. No pets, no home he owns, no relationship with his kids, stuck in a job that he might lose soon, just lost.

I do think I new my XAH, I new that his Dad was an A, but got sober. I just never put 2 and 2 together that the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree. He was destined. I just felt he would never give up "everything" for his addiction.

Tragic!!

LexieCat

People change, as a result of addiction. That's why recovery involves so much more than just quitting drinking. If it were JUST the drinking, then quitting would be the whole answer--it would be as if they "woke up" and looked at all the bad stuff would happen and the good person they were before (or at least better person) would get busy and start making things right.

But addiction not only makes people change their behavior, it also affects their ability to see, or fix, the damage they have done to others. Which is what the Steps help accomplish in the AA program.

It's really a moot point. If he ever decides to recover, maybe he will become a decent person again. Many recovered people do. Until that happens, you're better off dealing with him as little as possible.

Lilro

Forourgirls-the deep questions haunt me too... I think I could have written your post this morning. Today for me is not a good day! (((Hugs))) to you... We will all get through this together.

PohsFriend

As the circles around the drain became smaller and faster while me wife approached rock bottom, she was diagnosed with some personality and/or mental disorders that scared me a great deal. We were not married then. Committing to an alcoholic was one thing, committing to an alcoholic with several other red flags was "yikes".

...BUT

An interesting thing happened when she sobered up. For one thing, her therapist said she was not any of those disorders... sober. Alcoholism in the active phase will bring out traits that suggest Borderline and/or histrionic personality disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and plain old batsh1t crazy disorder.

I now this is a recurring ache for you. Was it real? Is the good guy in there somewhere? I think the answer is likely yes to both.

One of the cruelest parts of the disease is that when the alcoholic voice has their ear they not only do what they do but they are mad at you because they know that you know... they are ashamed and feel guilty around you and lash out.

One day perhaps he will recover and like so many in recovery he will regain the good things you remember and actually be better than that because it will be real and not the 'makeup' used to hide the addiction. Or maybe he won't.

I don't think you imagined anything. Sure we idealize our love interest a bit and are consequently disappointed when that knight in shining armor upon a mighty steed turns out to be a bit rusted and riding a donkey but Jekyll and Hyde is really a good description sometimes. If he could change I'm sure he would but for whatever reason he isn't ready to yet and until he is then sadly he will likely remain a jerk but that does not mean you were stupid or that you imagined it all. He changed.

Hope you understand that my point is that it hurts to watch you beat the crap out of yourself with self-doubt and self-recrimination. You were not a fool or gullible or stupid. The guy you see now is the end stageof that alcoholic voice taking over and that is not who you fell in love with.

I feel sad for both of you but more so for him (don't throw shoes yet ladies) because I am confident that you will come out of this stronger and wiser but hopefully without anger or cynicism and him... well his future seems much less bright for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that he lost a fine and loving wife and family due to alcoholism and one day he may have to confront that with a clear head and full understanding of what he did and that would suck.

hang in there my friend, praying for you to find peace and serenity and for those voices of doubt to be silenced.

LucyGoosey

I could have written this post too. I wonder what was him vs what was the addiction. He always wanted to blame everything on the alcohol yet he wasn't willing to get help. He was always trying to talk me into coming back but it was always more of the same. I didn't want to give him false hope. Lots of regrets now.

Lilro

How are you doing Lucy?

Liveitwell

Today has been good-feelings passed quickly. Seriouskarma-I echo everything you wrote. Same timeline for my ex-after our first child was born he started fracturing, alcoholism progressed and his demons started being showcased regularly. It was so frightening to me as a new mom and his wife. Terrifying at times. Over the next few years it was good and bad, some very good times, but alcohol and his demons won the battles more often than not. And so did my craziness and being torn up inside. I became accustomed to hearing "I am the way I am, I have a lot of demons, deal with it". And the bottom really fell out when his dad passed almost three years ago-he fully fractured. Fully. I've seen awful disgusting things since then and have watched him lie to me about his family members and then lie to his family members about me-throwing all of us under the bus whenever it suited who he was talking with. His demons/trauma with his mom came into the light as well-they were always there but to say he's acted and said very disturbing things about her is an understatement. Yes, to whoever posted above about trauma, I 100% believe there is some trauma he is not willing to talk about and move past....heck, he wouldn't move past anything with me bc as long as he held on to it those things fueled his anger and drinking and in his head justifies everything he's done. Just sick. I just pray for him, that's all. And just sad, so sad. The depression and anxiety and panic attacks have been gone for months but waves of sadness still exist. I just keep moving forward!

Liveitwell

Timetoheal, Lexie and poh-thank you....I have reread your responses and they are true. I'm just taking care of myself and my beautiful girls and grounding them in the word of God and the truth-I hope to pass on what I've been blessed to find in the past few years-faith and fearlessness. I don't want to pass on a legacy of anger and resentment-so each day I practice letting those go and giving them to God. I'm such a work in progress and God is shaping me in His image. Thankfully I'm able to process better these days and the sadness this morning was just a wave-not the all consuming sadness like it was for months and months. Progress, not perfection

Thank you all-you are the best!