Butterfly

My thinking is so distorted and negative I thought that my thinking was because of living my ex a for so long and I needed to recovery from living with an alcoholic but it's not!! Iam so messed up and broken.

I don't seem to think rationally, everything is my fault, this need to fix everything so I can prove that I am good enough to be with, I just keep making things worse, but does that stop me hell no I keep going, if I explain this way or say this others will understand why I'm so insecure and messed up and when that doesn't work I obsess what else can I. Do/say to mKe things right so people will want to be with me. I can't focus on me, I'm trying but I mess that up too!! I understand why people don't want me in their life, I'm too much, I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy.

I have so much to feel grateful for but I keep focusing on all the things I did and keep doing wrong.

I am honestly trying to feel better and do things for myself. I read other people's recovery stories and your all making great progress.

Thank you for reading.

LexieCat

Here's something that has helped me. Realizing that not everybody has to like me. Do you, personally, like every person you meet? Enough to be close friends or have a relationship with them? Does it mean there is something WRONG with those you don't feel that way about? Or does it mean you just don't feel that "click"--that you have that much in common with them or whatever?

Other people are the SAME WAY. The fact that someone isn't interested in being friends or having a relationship with you doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

You DO have friends, so clearly there is nothing so wrong with you that people avoid you. You are never going to make everyone in the world like you, and that's OK. Learn to be OK with that, work on being someone YOU can feel good about, and you will have all the friends you need.

If you keep trying to mold yourself into someone you're not for the sake of pleasing others and being attractive to them, you will lose yourself. If you become the best BUTTERFLY you can be--someone you, yourself, like--trust me, it will show, and that in itself is attractive.

SparkleKitty

You are making progress, too, B, but you don't want to give yourself credit for it.

We cannot change behaviors and patterns that we cannot or unwilling to recognize. So i know you're not feeling so great about Butterfly right now, but being able to see yourself clearly is something most people are never brave enough to do. I am proud of you. You will grow past these pains. Practice accepting yourself for who you are right now without judgment, B. Shaming ourselves is the most damaging thing we can do to our journey.

So many folks here love you and respect for exactly who you are right now. Join us!

maia1234

Butterfly......... post this all over!! This is for all of us!!

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.

SeriousKarma

Oh, Sweetie, trust me. You've progressed a lot more than you realize!

Give yourself a bit of credit here. What you're doing is monumental. You are attempting to change the entire way you look at your relationships with others. That's no simple feet. You're not just wallpapering over the issues in your life. You're tearing down the structure and building a whole new house.

And it's going to be a f@!#ing awesome house!

What you need is perspective, and a better understanding that what you're doing is massive. Try not to compare yourself to others. You don't know that we're making great progress. Maybe we're all full of sh*t. Take me for example: I give myself a big pat on the back, and crown myself woman of the year, if I replace the milk in the fridge before it's gone off.

You're a beautiful person, Butterfly.

Lilro

I wish I had something to contribute here but I'm screwed up myself! What I can tell you is that YOU have always responded to any of my crazy posts with concern and advise and for that I am grateful for you!!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone, tears are rolling down my face reading your responses. I wish I could feel what you are all saying but I don't I feel so negative, and ashamed of my behaviour throughout my marriage, with my friends as I feel I torture them as I'm not over it and particularly my behaviour and thinking more recently. Such shame and guilt about my behaviour and that I can't fix things and I pushed people away with my obsessive thinking and insecurities.

I forced myself to go out tonight it was my friends 40th birthday party and I had to make the effort to go, she is a really good friend but I felt awkward and out of place all night, there was a large crowd in her home and everyone was drinking. While I'm ok with being round people I know and trust when they're drinking I couldn't cope with such a large group and so many unknowns drinking, I was on edge. I ended up making some excuse and leaving early and now I feel guilty for not staying and I'm worried my friend will fall out with me, how pathetic!!

I just want to curl up and stay in bed and not have to face anything!!

Lilro

Hang in there Butterfly....tomorrow is a new day!

Hawkeye13

It will be OK Butterfly--these things need to surface so you can let them go.

You really are making progress--all of us can see it even if you can't yet

maia1234

Butterfly, instead of looking at the negative look at the positive. YOU WENT TO PARTY!!!! You did'nt stay long, but you went to the party.

I am sure six months ago you couldn't have done that. You should be so proud. Maybe next party you can stay a little longer!!!

You are your worst enemy. You need to start "liking" you. You really aren't that bad of a person!!! Hugs my friend!!! You went to the Party!!!!

LexieCat

Butterfly, is your therapist working with you on these intrusive thoughts? The good news is, you do seem to see that you recognize they aren't reasonable, that they are excessive and inaccurate. But you just can't seem to stop having them, or trying to do something to "fix" these imaginary wrongs against others.

So it isn't like you're delusional or something, it's just that you can't seem to turn off the thoughts and actions.

I'm not a mental health professional, but this sounds to me a whole lot like OCD behavior. It's related to anxiety. You just have to keep working with the therapist so you can get this under control.

Big hugs, please know that WE think you're just fine as a human being. The only one who's suffering from your behavior is YOU. And hopefully you will get some relief soon.

searching peace

Butterfly, you are way too hard on yourself. You were able to get dressed, go to a party and be there for your friend. You put yourself in an uncomfortable situation so that you could be there for your friend. You are doing great! I promise that we all notice and over analyze our own behaviors and self much more than anyone else does. You have friends! You were invited to a party. A lot of people don't have friends and are not invited anywhere. So people like you and they like being around you. Please try to get all of the garbage your A has said to you out of your head. You are doing great and you are a wonderful person that is going to make it through this minute by minute of you have to. But you will make it through and you will be happy on the other side. You are just learning about yourself and what you like and what you don't. Do not change for anyone! Be yourself and if you are authentic to who you are, you never owe anyone an apology for that!

Mango blast

Butterfly,

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day.
The brain can heal. We can heal.

Easy does it.

Baby steps.

One day at a time.

(((((Hugs)))))

Ktf

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. Lexiecat I've only had 3 sessions with her so building the relationship with her but it is something I have asked to work on. My last session though was a bit odd. She kept saying about how God loves me and really that should be enough and she sent me a verse from the bible the next day about positive truths. I do believe in God but this is not the type of therapy I need!!

I've deleted the old friends number. I'm ok for a while then my anxiety kicks in and I feel so guilty and try to fix it and worry that he thinks badly of me that I'm some sort of nutter!! I keep focusing on what I did wrong and wanting to make everything better, Just like ex a I wanted to believe what he told me and didn't understand why he said things but then walked out or said things but didn't want o come home!!

Old friend said all the right things and I believed him looking back I think he was only interested in one thing and when he realised he wasn't getting it he backed off, I know this deep down he changed yet I believed I did something wrong and went into obsessing mode!!

I need to look at my expectations of others just because this guy was such a good friend years ago and knew what I had went through didn't mean he was the same person or that his words were sincere. I was honest from the start and he didn't respect my boundaries, I didn't respect my boundaries, I wanted to be with someone who cared about me and I thought he did, guess not. I'm not ignoring my obsessive behaviour yet that's all I focus on my negative behaviour!!

LexieCat

Yeah, Bible verses doesn't sound like very effective therapy. From what I've read (and, again, disclaimer that I'm not a mental health professional), OCD can be effectively treated with medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy, or some combination thereof. Maybe you can ask her to try something like that?

It just sounds to me like this situation goes beyond working to boost your self-image.

JOIE12

Did you ever find that you felt more confident walking into a party with someone ? or a guy that every lady would be jealous over ? or a new haircut or outfit ?

of course

but when searching for the person that you are - you reach for the same confidence with different positive confident thoughts. Talk to yourself if you need to. I believe there is no reason that anyone should feel any differently whether someone is with them or not. Confidence comes from within. That's what attracts most people. Find one area of your life that needs confidence and work slowly towards that. There is a lot of online help or a therapist could help you with steps. It's about what you 'tell' yourself. If you knock out a negative thought as soon as it starts and replace it with a confident positive thought - eventually you will believe in 'you'. I think more people struggle with this than anyone admits to.

Like when people say that someone who is obviously not meant to wear a revealing bathing suit on the beach - does - I say 'if she has the confidence to wear it and feels that she looks good, kudos to her!' Wear your confidence sister !! you can do this

Butterfly

Thanks JOIE for your response.

Lexie when I did CBT before my therapist told me that my anxiety comes from my childhood, being told I was never wanted, mum always leaving, parents always arguing and mum not speaking to me for days, no matter what I did not being good enough. When I graduated from university I was a mature student, my dad told me well if you'd have settled down at school and studied you could have done this years ago!! Nothing was enough!!

My issues of abandonment and rejection stem from such an early age. He said this is why I obsess particularly about not feeling that I am good enough and everything being my fault. Of course the man I chose reinforced all these believes and feelings and increased my feelings of low self worth. My obsessional thinking and behaviours are a source of gaining reassurance and validation that I am good enough and wanted, my anxiety settles for a time but always rears its head again.

PohsFriend

Butterfly - did you ask if your breathing too much oxygen or doing it too loudly yet today? I feel for you because I am working hard to repair some of the very same issues.

I did not reply to your first post only because I did not want to assume any of the same causes but your last one makes me feel compelled to ask you whether one or more of your parents was NPD? If so there are some good books out there you may want to read like "Trapped in the Mirror".

Never feel quite good enough? Feel like you have to convince others that you are worthy of acceptance? Get way too upset by criticism or elated by praise?

Ironically, my wife and I had some of the same issues in our childhood and it gives us a chance to share some very scary and difficult thoughts and hear 'me too!'.

You might want to google a bit on adult children of NPD parent(s) and see if it hits home. The good thing about finding out thousands of others are screwy in the same ways I am is that a bunch of them also got better and happier in the same ways so there are maps to follow and the comforting knowledge that I'm not worthless, just a little f---ed up and knowing how, where and why I react the way I do helps make it easier to catch myself and stop. I'm also a tad OCD and ADD so I focus really hard but only for 3 minutes at a time... and I laugh at it now.

It might help you to also think and research a bit around how our 'quirks' are not all bad. My OCD tendencies make me very very good at what I do but under duress they become a liability. That is true of many traits associated with various 'disorders'. Just like those born without sight learn to make better use of their hearing we learn to use our quirks as tools and can benefit from them or be destroyed by them depending on whether we learn to see them, understand them and manage them better.

As for whomever convinced you that you are not good enough, the recovering person in me says feel sorry for them and forgive them but since I am still a work in progress the rest of me says f--k'm, you are just fine and please tell them to kiss my ass.

...BTW, one manifestation of my NPD parent background is that I am a terrible conflict avoider in my close relationships but out in the world when I encounter bullies of the sort that like to pull wings off butterflies I am the reverse - I go after them and try to expose them for the weak, insecure, cruel, rotten bastards they are. In other words if I am not very careful I act just like them, the only difference is that I choose a bully rather than a butterfly to attack.

You are OK, probably better than OK. The sooner you get that the sooner you can drop that awful burden of fear and doubt that is so soul crushing and self defeating. Hang in there!

Butterfly

Thanks pohsfriend. I had to laugh at the kiss my ass bit!!

I will goggle NPD not sure if my parents had this, I know my mum suffered with severe depression and was admitted to a psychiatric until when I was very young, mum had her own issues. From what I understand my dad had an affair and drank, he would say that's what men did at that time came home on a Friday night and went to the pub and yes I guess they did but I'm not sure how serious if at all his drinking was. My mum never forgive him for this and she obsessed over this for many years and every time they argued she brought it up. She couldn't get over the hurt but stayed with him for us!!

I don't like conflict either and I avoid it at all costs, the only conflict I won't avoid is with the families I work with but with my team I will avoid difficult conversations and challenging them about their work and that's not good in my job. At home I will avoid it aswell until I can't cope and will explode, think this may be the codependent in me, trying to keep everything going smoothly so as not to disrupt anything or make people unhappy with me.

Something I am trying to process at the minute is about my work. I loved my job couldn't wait to go in never took days off even if I was dying and worked round the clock, I was passionate about my job, loved working with the young people and loved that there were so many crisises, that was the nature of my job. I enjoyed working with my team and they became good friends. I went above and beyond for my young people. My job also gave me confidence as I was good at it and I was confident in my work!

2 1/2 yrs ago I took a promotion in a different team still with families, children and young people but more of a manager role and in a different building. I was encouraged by ex a as it meant more money but also by my manager as she felt I was more than ready for the post. So I applied and got the post.

I am now more removed from families as in doing direct work, I chair meetings, report stats, supervise the staff, manage day to day issues about case management etc and yes respond to crisis if and when they arise but they are fewer and far between, I am bored and I don't get the same enjoyment. My level of work has decreased and I do just enough, sometimes not even that!!

I don't know if I loved my job due to the high level of drama which I thrived on and now hate it as I have no drama in my life anymore except the drama I create for myself or whether I'm just dealing with so much I can't muster enthusiasm for anything!!

LexieCat

OK, but what kind of THERAPY did your CBT counselor suggest? Knowing where something comes from doesn't miraculously make everything OK.

Were you given exercises to counter the negative self-talk, for example?