Lacking boundaries and feeling angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Lacking boundaries and feeling angry
I'm getting ready for a trip with my husband and kids. Last year when traveling with him, I used the tools I had to stay sober, but often found myself gritting my teeth, tightening my knuckles and holding my breath. After a year of living in recovery and practicing it's tools, I am in a far stronger place emotionally.
I have realistic expectations on how the trip will be. I know there will be fun times and dull times. With two young kids I know there will be maddening times too. I know my husband will drink, and sometimes he'll be drunk.
I had enjoyed the couple of weeks where he was drinking less. He's drank a few times this past week. I don't like being alongside him when he's on his drunker-coaster. I don't like when his normally low key mood becomes all amped up. I don't like when his normally intelligent mind says or does stupid things. And I don't like when he's in a lousy mood the next day. I've learned to shuffle away when he's in the thick of his drinking and his day after mood swings. This week I shuffled away a lot. Unfortunately on the days that he was sober, I was dead tired.
I've had a nagging loneliness this week. Aside from the issues connecting with my husband, my friends haven't been around. My sponsor is working 2 jobs. People are busy.
I know an AA meeting would have cheered me up but I also know my husband would have moaned if I took off instead of do what he wants - which is for me to be home and prepare for the trip. I decided it wasn't worth the animosity. I passed on an AA meeting, aware of the inherent codependency of the decision!
The difference now compared to even 6 months ago is I am not blaming my husband for my loneliness. Progress? I sometimes recognize when I'm behaving codependently! Progress?
I have made some progress but I still have a long way to go. I have to face the realities of this relationship. Of living with someone who may or may not be an alcoholic, but who prioritizes drinking. Of subjecting myself to someone who drinks when he wants to, but who won't hesitate to give me a hard time attending to my peace of mind when the timing is inconvenient to him. Of listening to him rationalize why his timing for drinking doesn't affect anyone but my timing for meetings inconveniences the family.
Ugh! I'm frustrated! But I'm frustrated with myself, not him. I know from your feedback here that telling him not to drink won't work. I value the honest feedback here, so I'm asking for comments, guidance or suggestions on next steps.
I have realistic expectations on how the trip will be. I know there will be fun times and dull times. With two young kids I know there will be maddening times too. I know my husband will drink, and sometimes he'll be drunk.
I had enjoyed the couple of weeks where he was drinking less. He's drank a few times this past week. I don't like being alongside him when he's on his drunker-coaster. I don't like when his normally low key mood becomes all amped up. I don't like when his normally intelligent mind says or does stupid things. And I don't like when he's in a lousy mood the next day. I've learned to shuffle away when he's in the thick of his drinking and his day after mood swings. This week I shuffled away a lot. Unfortunately on the days that he was sober, I was dead tired.
I've had a nagging loneliness this week. Aside from the issues connecting with my husband, my friends haven't been around. My sponsor is working 2 jobs. People are busy.
I know an AA meeting would have cheered me up but I also know my husband would have moaned if I took off instead of do what he wants - which is for me to be home and prepare for the trip. I decided it wasn't worth the animosity. I passed on an AA meeting, aware of the inherent codependency of the decision!
The difference now compared to even 6 months ago is I am not blaming my husband for my loneliness. Progress? I sometimes recognize when I'm behaving codependently! Progress?
I have made some progress but I still have a long way to go. I have to face the realities of this relationship. Of living with someone who may or may not be an alcoholic, but who prioritizes drinking. Of subjecting myself to someone who drinks when he wants to, but who won't hesitate to give me a hard time attending to my peace of mind when the timing is inconvenient to him. Of listening to him rationalize why his timing for drinking doesn't affect anyone but my timing for meetings inconveniences the family.
Ugh! I'm frustrated! But I'm frustrated with myself, not him. I know from your feedback here that telling him not to drink won't work. I value the honest feedback here, so I'm asking for comments, guidance or suggestions on next steps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good morning Glee,
This is indeed progress! BIG progress. Identifying patterns is huge!!
I haven't seen my sponsor since early May. She has had several family situations that took her out of town and her daughter is getting married so she is planning a wedding! I miss her. It gets to a point that quick phone calls aren't quite sustaining me.
Loneliness is now my biggest issue... Sigh.
Can you find a meeting where you are going on vacation?
I need to go meet my running buddy so I can't write a lot, but know you aren't alone! Remember there are people online here who get you nearly 24/7!
This is indeed progress! BIG progress. Identifying patterns is huge!!
I haven't seen my sponsor since early May. She has had several family situations that took her out of town and her daughter is getting married so she is planning a wedding! I miss her. It gets to a point that quick phone calls aren't quite sustaining me.
Loneliness is now my biggest issue... Sigh.
Can you find a meeting where you are going on vacation?
I need to go meet my running buddy so I can't write a lot, but know you aren't alone! Remember there are people online here who get you nearly 24/7!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gleefan....I think you might have pointed one thing out in your title: need for more attention to your own boundaries?
After all...he is not more i mportant than you, in the relationship.
I know that it is hard living with an active drinker and the fallout that comes with it.
That is why I have vowed to never, ever, let it darken my door again.
Maybe you can write the serenity prayer on the inside of your eyelids....to keep you grounded on the trip......
dandylion
After all...he is not more i mportant than you, in the relationship.
I know that it is hard living with an active drinker and the fallout that comes with it.
That is why I have vowed to never, ever, let it darken my door again.
Maybe you can write the serenity prayer on the inside of your eyelids....to keep you grounded on the trip......
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Gleefan, it sounds like when push comes to shove, it's his needs that dominate your relationship. Maybe you have to ask yourself why.
Is he a bully?
Do you give in out of habit or wish to avoid conflict?
Do you have a deep seated belief that women should be the carers?
All of the above?
You say that going to the meeting wasn't worth the animosity. It sounds like he controls you by sulking, or even becoming hostile. It makes you unhappy and frustrated, so maybe it would be worth finding ways to counteract him.
His behaviour doesn't make anyone happy, least of all him, so if you want your marriage to continue, you need to confront this. It won't be easy, but it's better than letting him bully you. There are plenty of books out there on assertiveness, or you might be able to find a course or counselling to help you. Just don't let it go unchecked.
Is he a bully?
Do you give in out of habit or wish to avoid conflict?
Do you have a deep seated belief that women should be the carers?
All of the above?
You say that going to the meeting wasn't worth the animosity. It sounds like he controls you by sulking, or even becoming hostile. It makes you unhappy and frustrated, so maybe it would be worth finding ways to counteract him.
His behaviour doesn't make anyone happy, least of all him, so if you want your marriage to continue, you need to confront this. It won't be easy, but it's better than letting him bully you. There are plenty of books out there on assertiveness, or you might be able to find a course or counselling to help you. Just don't let it go unchecked.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gleefan.....further expanding on FeelingGreat's comments......
Yes....it is BIG that you have made strides in self awareness......and you shold be proud of every inch of progress...because that is something that can't be taken away from you.....I also think I hear someone who is getting tired.
We all have a given amount of energy and life force.....and, when it gets so drained, it has a large negative impact on our contentment and satisfaction and performance, in general.
I have been there,,,,I know!
When the family is organized around the nub of alcohol (and, thus, the alcoholic)....it has impact on everyone in the family. Much like a stone tossed into a pond....the ripples eventually reach every single part of the pond.
It is called a family disease, after all.
Reading FeelingGreat's post triggered a thought for me.....
The behaviors that your husband uses to interact with you...and, keep you under "control" and get his way......
Make no mistake---you children are internalizing many of these behaviors (the little sponges that they are)...they are learning what "works" for him (right or wrong). My thought was...OMG--wait until they enter the teen years and begin using his behavioral methods on gleefan!!!! That would be a nightmare.
My point in saying this is: There are very important reasons for all of you that alcoholism not be allowed to rule the family.
I am thinking out loud, here....
dandylion
Yes....it is BIG that you have made strides in self awareness......and you shold be proud of every inch of progress...because that is something that can't be taken away from you.....I also think I hear someone who is getting tired.
We all have a given amount of energy and life force.....and, when it gets so drained, it has a large negative impact on our contentment and satisfaction and performance, in general.
I have been there,,,,I know!
When the family is organized around the nub of alcohol (and, thus, the alcoholic)....it has impact on everyone in the family. Much like a stone tossed into a pond....the ripples eventually reach every single part of the pond.
It is called a family disease, after all.
Reading FeelingGreat's post triggered a thought for me.....
The behaviors that your husband uses to interact with you...and, keep you under "control" and get his way......
Make no mistake---you children are internalizing many of these behaviors (the little sponges that they are)...they are learning what "works" for him (right or wrong). My thought was...OMG--wait until they enter the teen years and begin using his behavioral methods on gleefan!!!! That would be a nightmare.
My point in saying this is: There are very important reasons for all of you that alcoholism not be allowed to rule the family.
I am thinking out loud, here....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Your input is so inspiring.
To make a short story long (lol).....
I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis this year. I ignored the symptoms for about a year. I've never sussed out whether I never noticed the symptoms because I was drunk/hungover or if they came on suddenly when I stopped drinking 17 months ago. However taking into consideration my drinking patterns and other PsA patients' accounts of the sudden onset of their symptoms, I'm inclined to believe it came on suddenly.
I went from being an active person to sedentary because I found it unbearably painful to walk. I stopped drinking, started eating a ton of sweets, gained weight, and couldn't exercise regularly to fend off the calories from my sweet tooth.
I wasn't drinking, but I saw my inability to move and my unwillingness to stop eating Oreos as making me inferior to everyone around me. I felt like my pain and immobility were my fault.
Concurrently, I began recovery for alcoholism. In doing so I've addressed a lot of the toxic self hate underlying my addiction.
I told my doctor about my pain. She prescribed anti inflammatory meds that have helped a great deal and referred me to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with PsA. She offered me a treatment that's more effective but has more potential side effects.
I have fallen into the camp of wanting to avoid unnecessary side effects. But this weekend, I've been taking the steroids for poison ivy. Steroids used to be a treatment of choice for arthritis (it no longer is due to side effects of long term use) - and I can see why! I haven't been able to move like this in 17 months!
I didn't realize how much my life was affected by arthritis. The other day it hurt to vacuum, and I had higher blood pressure than ever recorded when I went to the doctor. Today my family and I walked some 10 miles today throughout the city, and I was able to do it feeling only as sore as I'd expect a of 40 year old who sits at a desk for work all day long.
As I taper off the medication within the next couple of weeks, the old symptoms will most likely reemerge (that's another why this medication isn't used for arthritis anymore). I don't know what I'll decide to do about future treatment.
Before I embarked on my recovery journey, I didn't fully recognize the self hate that held me back. Peeling away those layers bit by bit over the past 17 months has brought me to this place, today, where I have a sympathetic perspective of myself, my body, my health. I've not been weak-willed or lazy like I thought; I've been sick.
Recovery has been a powerful, transformative journey for me. Drinking was only one of my symptoms of alcoholism, and sobriety is only one of the benefits I've experienced in recovery.
To make a short story long (lol).....
I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis this year. I ignored the symptoms for about a year. I've never sussed out whether I never noticed the symptoms because I was drunk/hungover or if they came on suddenly when I stopped drinking 17 months ago. However taking into consideration my drinking patterns and other PsA patients' accounts of the sudden onset of their symptoms, I'm inclined to believe it came on suddenly.
I went from being an active person to sedentary because I found it unbearably painful to walk. I stopped drinking, started eating a ton of sweets, gained weight, and couldn't exercise regularly to fend off the calories from my sweet tooth.
I wasn't drinking, but I saw my inability to move and my unwillingness to stop eating Oreos as making me inferior to everyone around me. I felt like my pain and immobility were my fault.
Concurrently, I began recovery for alcoholism. In doing so I've addressed a lot of the toxic self hate underlying my addiction.
I told my doctor about my pain. She prescribed anti inflammatory meds that have helped a great deal and referred me to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with PsA. She offered me a treatment that's more effective but has more potential side effects.
I have fallen into the camp of wanting to avoid unnecessary side effects. But this weekend, I've been taking the steroids for poison ivy. Steroids used to be a treatment of choice for arthritis (it no longer is due to side effects of long term use) - and I can see why! I haven't been able to move like this in 17 months!
I didn't realize how much my life was affected by arthritis. The other day it hurt to vacuum, and I had higher blood pressure than ever recorded when I went to the doctor. Today my family and I walked some 10 miles today throughout the city, and I was able to do it feeling only as sore as I'd expect a of 40 year old who sits at a desk for work all day long.
As I taper off the medication within the next couple of weeks, the old symptoms will most likely reemerge (that's another why this medication isn't used for arthritis anymore). I don't know what I'll decide to do about future treatment.
Before I embarked on my recovery journey, I didn't fully recognize the self hate that held me back. Peeling away those layers bit by bit over the past 17 months has brought me to this place, today, where I have a sympathetic perspective of myself, my body, my health. I've not been weak-willed or lazy like I thought; I've been sick.
Recovery has been a powerful, transformative journey for me. Drinking was only one of my symptoms of alcoholism, and sobriety is only one of the benefits I've experienced in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 33
Always seek out support never be afraid to ask a friend for help ever!!
Also, Drug and Alcohol Recovery Hotlines ? Toll-Free Substance Abuse Treatment Advisors
Recovery helplines or help by state can also be a great tool.
Keep us updated, we with you the best!!
Also, Drug and Alcohol Recovery Hotlines ? Toll-Free Substance Abuse Treatment Advisors
Recovery helplines or help by state can also be a great tool.
Keep us updated, we with you the best!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh, I am sorry. However, I will tell you that my mother in law was under massive steroids when she passed away. The side affects are potentially very awful and very long term. Be careful my friend!
Many hugs to you. I hope there is a chance for some hot tub time on the trip, that would likely help?!
Many hugs to you. I hope there is a chance for some hot tub time on the trip, that would likely help?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Wow, your words of advice resonated and really kept me on the beam on this trip. I kept thinking of the example I am providing to my sons.
I was as clear as I know how to be about what I wanted to do, what I thought we should do. I trusted my instincts the best I know how. I believed in myself.
I was as clear as I know how to be about what I wanted to do, what I thought we should do. I trusted my instincts the best I know how. I believed in myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Glee!
I too have found that a bit more advanced recovery work was re-evaluating how unforgiving I was and how critical I was towards myself.
As for the Oreos, do you understand how alcohol and sugar fire the same brain receptors? When you are ready, you can tweak your diet to start addressing the sugar fix issues.
Keep taking care of you!
I too have found that a bit more advanced recovery work was re-evaluating how unforgiving I was and how critical I was towards myself.
As for the Oreos, do you understand how alcohol and sugar fire the same brain receptors? When you are ready, you can tweak your diet to start addressing the sugar fix issues.
Keep taking care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Well, I'm sort of back to reality here... I have a huge list of errands on tap this morning, including a major trip to the grocery store. Then birthday parties, play dates, and more birthday parties!! I need to stay on the beam while I segue back into regular responsibilities.
I made time to exercise this morning.... Check!
One of the bday parties this weekend is a mom friend so I'll be nurturing important friendships today rather than isolating.... Check!
Another party is for my family so I'll see them rather than isolate.... Check!
And I made my boundary clear with my husband on yet another bday party that I will not drive there. It's way outside my comfort zone, and I won't accept any attempts to shame me about my driving challenges, or be bullied into "payback" because he did something I can't do when he didn't want to. Of all the things I'm doing this weekend to stay on the beam, that's one of the most profound.
I made time to exercise this morning.... Check!
One of the bday parties this weekend is a mom friend so I'll be nurturing important friendships today rather than isolating.... Check!
Another party is for my family so I'll see them rather than isolate.... Check!
And I made my boundary clear with my husband on yet another bday party that I will not drive there. It's way outside my comfort zone, and I won't accept any attempts to shame me about my driving challenges, or be bullied into "payback" because he did something I can't do when he didn't want to. Of all the things I'm doing this weekend to stay on the beam, that's one of the most profound.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Gleefan, I'm inspired by your new attitude to pay attention to your own needs as well as others' and to stand your ground when you know you can't do something.
My sister has RA, and has had to balance drugs which help and the side effects for years. Like you, she will sometimes use a stronger medication when on holiday. Recently she's become pro-active about weight and exercise after years of neglect and it's made a big difference to her energy and symptoms.
My sister has RA, and has had to balance drugs which help and the side effects for years. Like you, she will sometimes use a stronger medication when on holiday. Recently she's become pro-active about weight and exercise after years of neglect and it's made a big difference to her energy and symptoms.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Gleefan-
You teach people how to treat you. Your AH already puts his needs above yours and now you are putting his needs above yours. Your AH has absolutely no consequences. You don't argue, give him what he needs, don't take care of yourself, and in the process he gets to drink as much as he wants and criticizes you while he's doing it.
My suggestion- leave him at home and go on the vacation with just you and the kids.
You teach people how to treat you. Your AH already puts his needs above yours and now you are putting his needs above yours. Your AH has absolutely no consequences. You don't argue, give him what he needs, don't take care of yourself, and in the process he gets to drink as much as he wants and criticizes you while he's doing it.
My suggestion- leave him at home and go on the vacation with just you and the kids.
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