Boyfriend trying to recover and has major health issues
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Boyfriend trying to recover and has major health issues
My boyfriend has been an alcoholic for years. Pretty much as long as I've known him (which is 10+ years, we were friends first and just started dated about a year ago). It's gotten worse over the last two years once his dad passed away and another major negative life-changing event. I've been with him and it's been tough for me to be, but I stuck through it anyways. We got into horrible fights and I left a few times.
The drinking has since gotten better. He quit cold turkey and I helped him through the detox. He's now going to the doctor and he's finding out that his health is in really bad condition from all those years of drinking and bad eating habits. I won't go into detail, but it's severe.
The stress and concern has caused him to put a wall between him and I. I knew the detox/rehab/health issues would mean that he'd go through mood swings (depression, anger, etc) and I thought I would be prepared for that, considering everything else I had been through with him. His mood swings were pretty horrible when he was drinking anyway. I promise I am not trying to be selfish, it's just a lot harder than I expected.
We live together and he has been acting like I'm not around - eating dinner without me, walking the dogs without me, leaving the house and not letting me know. It is starting to make me wonder why I am even here? I don't believe I am enabling him, as we have barely even been talking.
I understand that he is worried about his health and it is causing him to be distant, but what does this mean for me? Does it even help that I am here, even though we aren't interacting?
The drinking has since gotten better. He quit cold turkey and I helped him through the detox. He's now going to the doctor and he's finding out that his health is in really bad condition from all those years of drinking and bad eating habits. I won't go into detail, but it's severe.
The stress and concern has caused him to put a wall between him and I. I knew the detox/rehab/health issues would mean that he'd go through mood swings (depression, anger, etc) and I thought I would be prepared for that, considering everything else I had been through with him. His mood swings were pretty horrible when he was drinking anyway. I promise I am not trying to be selfish, it's just a lot harder than I expected.
We live together and he has been acting like I'm not around - eating dinner without me, walking the dogs without me, leaving the house and not letting me know. It is starting to make me wonder why I am even here? I don't believe I am enabling him, as we have barely even been talking.
I understand that he is worried about his health and it is causing him to be distant, but what does this mean for me? Does it even help that I am here, even though we aren't interacting?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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There are a lot of things that could be going on, and not knowing your boyfriend personally I can't guarantee anything specific, but I imagine that the guilt and shame of facing the consequences of one's choices after so many years of numbing emotions and avoiding "life on life's terms" is intense. When I feel bad about myself, it's hard for me to share with others or open up to people.
Also, if he has been drinking the whole time you have known him, you have never known him sober. It's probably been a long time since he knew himself sober, either. Early recovery is tough under the very best of circumstances -- having to deal with major health issues at the same time...it may be all he can do to just get through the day. Having to be a partner in a relationship might be too much for him to handle right now. even though we know that in a healthy, supportive relationship, having a partner to lean on can make all the difference -- for someone whose relationships have not been healthy due to addiction, this might be a skill he has yet to develop,
I hope things make a turn for the better for your boyfriend's health and that you are taking good care of yourself in the meantime.
Also, if he has been drinking the whole time you have known him, you have never known him sober. It's probably been a long time since he knew himself sober, either. Early recovery is tough under the very best of circumstances -- having to deal with major health issues at the same time...it may be all he can do to just get through the day. Having to be a partner in a relationship might be too much for him to handle right now. even though we know that in a healthy, supportive relationship, having a partner to lean on can make all the difference -- for someone whose relationships have not been healthy due to addiction, this might be a skill he has yet to develop,
I hope things make a turn for the better for your boyfriend's health and that you are taking good care of yourself in the meantime.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Hello! Early recovery is a bear for anyone near the addict at this juncture. They are stripped from whatever they used to numb life. They are very very thin skinned and just pouring a cup of coffee can set them off...
I'd read up on HALT. This helped me have a calm response sometimes. My RAH woukd flip out and I could suggest he eat, take a nap, or tell him he's acting nuts over something small. But whatever he was flipping over usually had nothing (absolutely NOTHING) to do with me.
If you can go away on a girls weekend or take up something that keeps you occupied and busy, that will help you out up with his behavior.
Welcome to SR!
I'd read up on HALT. This helped me have a calm response sometimes. My RAH woukd flip out and I could suggest he eat, take a nap, or tell him he's acting nuts over something small. But whatever he was flipping over usually had nothing (absolutely NOTHING) to do with me.
If you can go away on a girls weekend or take up something that keeps you occupied and busy, that will help you out up with his behavior.
Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This sentence jumped out at me: It kind of sounds as if you'd just as soon check out of this situation, but for the fact that you think your being there is somehow "helping" him.
There is nothing disloyal about feeling that way, and let me reassure you--he does not NEED your presence to get sober and stay that way. Relationships can be a distraction in early recovery, and as noted, he's got a lot of soul-searching and work to do.
If you have someplace else to go, putting a bit of distance between you might be good for both of you. We often suggest working on detachment as a way to cope with difficult behavior (during active alcoholism or early recovery). I know it seems as if HE's already detached, but the thing is, you are still trying to engage with him. And that's normal, in a normal relationship.
If you are able to detach EMOTIONALLY right now, so that his emotional distance doesn't bother you, that might help. Otherwise, as I said, putting some physical distance between you, at least for a while, might help prevent the resentments from piling up.
Does it even help that I am here, even though we aren't interacting?
There is nothing disloyal about feeling that way, and let me reassure you--he does not NEED your presence to get sober and stay that way. Relationships can be a distraction in early recovery, and as noted, he's got a lot of soul-searching and work to do.
If you have someplace else to go, putting a bit of distance between you might be good for both of you. We often suggest working on detachment as a way to cope with difficult behavior (during active alcoholism or early recovery). I know it seems as if HE's already detached, but the thing is, you are still trying to engage with him. And that's normal, in a normal relationship.
If you are able to detach EMOTIONALLY right now, so that his emotional distance doesn't bother you, that might help. Otherwise, as I said, putting some physical distance between you, at least for a while, might help prevent the resentments from piling up.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I- if he is working a program, give him time to do "what ever" it take for him to heal. He has lost his BEST FRIEND, alcohol. Don't pester, bug or anything else. Hopefully he will reach out when he needs you. Found this on SR a while back. I think this also pertains to you. Hugs my friend!!
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Thank you for your responses.
At the moment, (please correct me if I'm wrong) I am trying to come to terms with knowing that my presence has little to nothing to do with how he is feeling and being here does not necessarily help (or hurt) the situation. Is this right?
I did try to talk to him about it. He did say something that calmed me down a bit... Usually when we would get into fights before, he would always tell me to leave and "go do my own thing" - wanting to just be alone. This time though, he told me that he does want me here... to just stick around and whenever he is ready, he'd let me know. I told him that it is hard for me to do so and it hurts that he is talking to everyone else but me and there is absolutely no physical contact. I don't mean sex, just generally. He has been walking around me like I don't even exist. I was not trying to make him feel guilty, I just wanted to make him aware. I know it was probably not the best thing to do, but I am new to all of this and the lack of affection was really upsetting me.
Lexiecat, it's not that I am trying to check out or find a reason to leave. Trust me, I have been through hell and back with this person. Long story short, we were kind of dating a few years ago... He cheated on me with his ex-gf and she ended up pregnant. He didn't tell me until 6 months into the pregnancy when he realized the reason why he broke up with her in the first place. He promised me so many things to make it up to me and I bought it for a while. It got too hard for me and I cut off communication. A couple of weeks later, he calls to tell me that the baby wasn't his. As much as I resented him at the time, I couldn't help but be empathetic. I felt as though he needed me - he was so depressed. So I went through it all again. I tried to detach emotionally at that time as well and just be a friend for him but eventually, emotions caught up and we were right back into being a couple.
You're right. I guess I don't know who he is sober. We have been friends for a long time and I would say that when I first met him and for a while afterwards, he wasn't exactly the alcoholic he is today. One thing that occurred to me was, if I don't know who he is sober, does his sober mind really know who I am? As in, will he still have the same feelings for me... the same attraction to me... that he had when he was drinking?
At the moment, (please correct me if I'm wrong) I am trying to come to terms with knowing that my presence has little to nothing to do with how he is feeling and being here does not necessarily help (or hurt) the situation. Is this right?
I did try to talk to him about it. He did say something that calmed me down a bit... Usually when we would get into fights before, he would always tell me to leave and "go do my own thing" - wanting to just be alone. This time though, he told me that he does want me here... to just stick around and whenever he is ready, he'd let me know. I told him that it is hard for me to do so and it hurts that he is talking to everyone else but me and there is absolutely no physical contact. I don't mean sex, just generally. He has been walking around me like I don't even exist. I was not trying to make him feel guilty, I just wanted to make him aware. I know it was probably not the best thing to do, but I am new to all of this and the lack of affection was really upsetting me.
Lexiecat, it's not that I am trying to check out or find a reason to leave. Trust me, I have been through hell and back with this person. Long story short, we were kind of dating a few years ago... He cheated on me with his ex-gf and she ended up pregnant. He didn't tell me until 6 months into the pregnancy when he realized the reason why he broke up with her in the first place. He promised me so many things to make it up to me and I bought it for a while. It got too hard for me and I cut off communication. A couple of weeks later, he calls to tell me that the baby wasn't his. As much as I resented him at the time, I couldn't help but be empathetic. I felt as though he needed me - he was so depressed. So I went through it all again. I tried to detach emotionally at that time as well and just be a friend for him but eventually, emotions caught up and we were right back into being a couple.
You're right. I guess I don't know who he is sober. We have been friends for a long time and I would say that when I first met him and for a while afterwards, he wasn't exactly the alcoholic he is today. One thing that occurred to me was, if I don't know who he is sober, does his sober mind really know who I am? As in, will he still have the same feelings for me... the same attraction to me... that he had when he was drinking?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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imigonni.....I can see that you are suffering. And, I think you are asking some very valid questions.
Early recovery can...and, usually is a real b****! And, it takes a year or two or three for real changes to take place (if the person is dilligent in working a strong recovery program). AA...sponsor....working the steps. etc.....
If you want to help yourself with your suffering.....I suggest that you attend alanon and get the book "CoDependent No More".
He is going to do what he is going to do. You have n o control over that.
You would do well to give him all the space in the world and use that space to devote to yourself.
You can't just perch yourself on a shelf until he is ready to "take you down" at his own pleasure.
You aren't a porceline statue.
You are just as important as he is.
dandylion
Early recovery can...and, usually is a real b****! And, it takes a year or two or three for real changes to take place (if the person is dilligent in working a strong recovery program). AA...sponsor....working the steps. etc.....
If you want to help yourself with your suffering.....I suggest that you attend alanon and get the book "CoDependent No More".
He is going to do what he is going to do. You have n o control over that.
You would do well to give him all the space in the world and use that space to devote to yourself.
You can't just perch yourself on a shelf until he is ready to "take you down" at his own pleasure.
You aren't a porceline statue.
You are just as important as he is.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know how it's cheating if you were only "kind of dating," but that's neither here nor there.
I guess it all boils down to whether being ignored a large percentage of the time is going to fulfill your needs. None of us (including you) knows what's going on in his head. If you're fine with staying for now, then you will need to accept the fact that you can't expect ANYTHING from him right now, from an emotional (or even social) standpoint. It would drive me crazy, personally, but everyone's different. If you can tolerate it while he works through whatever he's working through, then that's fine.
I'd suggest, though, that you get busy living your own life in the meantime. Do you work? Have friends? Have hobbies? Have you been to Al-Anon? All of those are worthwhile pursuits while he does his "processing" (and hopefully works a recovery program of his own, which includes realizing he isn't the center of the universe and other people have needs, too).
I guess it all boils down to whether being ignored a large percentage of the time is going to fulfill your needs. None of us (including you) knows what's going on in his head. If you're fine with staying for now, then you will need to accept the fact that you can't expect ANYTHING from him right now, from an emotional (or even social) standpoint. It would drive me crazy, personally, but everyone's different. If you can tolerate it while he works through whatever he's working through, then that's fine.
I'd suggest, though, that you get busy living your own life in the meantime. Do you work? Have friends? Have hobbies? Have you been to Al-Anon? All of those are worthwhile pursuits while he does his "processing" (and hopefully works a recovery program of his own, which includes realizing he isn't the center of the universe and other people have needs, too).
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is widely suggested that we each have "emergency kits" in our homes, cars and even places of employment - so if the BIG ONE hits, we have supplies to help us survive the 72 hours at least. that kit should include water, food, medical supplies, flashlight, whistle, battery powered or crank radio, etc. nowhere does it say "another human just in case".
YOU are not an emergency supply. it is not your job to be on stand by just IN CASE he decides he's "ready" - whatever that means.
i notice the use of HELP and NEED a lot in your posts:
I helped him through the detox
Does it even help that I am here
and being here does not necessarily help (or hurt) the situation
This time though, he told me that he does want me here... to just stick around and whenever he is ready, he'd let me know
I felt as though he needed me - he was so depressed
you have somehow slipped into the ROLE of helper/caretaker. but you are not first responder, nor an emergency kit, nor a trained addiction counselor.....NOR SHOULD YOU BE. that is not why we choose and have partners. your needs will NEVER be met in this type of set up because everything is hinged upon HIM....if he quits, when he is ready, what he is feeling or thinking. his moods, his silences, his needs.
YOU are not an emergency supply. it is not your job to be on stand by just IN CASE he decides he's "ready" - whatever that means.
i notice the use of HELP and NEED a lot in your posts:
I helped him through the detox
Does it even help that I am here
and being here does not necessarily help (or hurt) the situation
This time though, he told me that he does want me here... to just stick around and whenever he is ready, he'd let me know
I felt as though he needed me - he was so depressed
you have somehow slipped into the ROLE of helper/caretaker. but you are not first responder, nor an emergency kit, nor a trained addiction counselor.....NOR SHOULD YOU BE. that is not why we choose and have partners. your needs will NEVER be met in this type of set up because everything is hinged upon HIM....if he quits, when he is ready, what he is feeling or thinking. his moods, his silences, his needs.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Imij,
It's not fair to the other person in the relationship to just be on stand by for him. It leaves us feeling emptied unwanted. I agree with anvil there is no such thing as human emergency kits. That's just being selfish on his part
It's not fair to the other person in the relationship to just be on stand by for him. It leaves us feeling emptied unwanted. I agree with anvil there is no such thing as human emergency kits. That's just being selfish on his part
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I- I know that you are just trying to understand your role in this whole mess. It is probably because of you he is sober, but it is his doing.
I know that you are hurt that he is not communicating with you. How much do you understand about being addicted to alcohol. How much do you know of the physical ailments that come with it. The guilt or the really bad things you did under the influence. All the lies that he told you and everyone else. Do you totally understand that? A's do!!!! Go on the Alcoholism or new to recovery forum. The A's are shocked that there are people "like" them. Guilt is a huge factor of why A's drink. He needs to come to terms with this and learn from other A's how to process what is happening to him. Try and cut him some slack to do what he needs to do.
Try and give him his space and work his program. You have plenty of work to do on yourself. Your relationship will never work if he gets better and you stay the same. Own some of what has happened to you, while dating an A. I was married to one and I was going crazy. Work on yourself so you can be the best you can be.
Hugs my friend, and appreciate every minute that your A is sober!!!!! I would give my right arm for that experience!!
I know that you are hurt that he is not communicating with you. How much do you understand about being addicted to alcohol. How much do you know of the physical ailments that come with it. The guilt or the really bad things you did under the influence. All the lies that he told you and everyone else. Do you totally understand that? A's do!!!! Go on the Alcoholism or new to recovery forum. The A's are shocked that there are people "like" them. Guilt is a huge factor of why A's drink. He needs to come to terms with this and learn from other A's how to process what is happening to him. Try and cut him some slack to do what he needs to do.
Try and give him his space and work his program. You have plenty of work to do on yourself. Your relationship will never work if he gets better and you stay the same. Own some of what has happened to you, while dating an A. I was married to one and I was going crazy. Work on yourself so you can be the best you can be.
Hugs my friend, and appreciate every minute that your A is sober!!!!! I would give my right arm for that experience!!
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