Findingtheway

Hello SR.

I'm just past 7 months sober and life has been improving dramatically.

Just to share a bit of what is occurring today.

I have a dinner commitment with my Parents and Sister tonight, that my girlfriend had also committed to going as well.

On the way out to go to work today, she tells me she will not go.
Her reasons...Are she has anxiety, they'll ask her what she's doing currently (she just quit a job) and has been staying at home.

Rather than come out and enjoy a dinner with my family, she has decided that she will stay home and not come out.

Basically from my view, she's throwing a tantrum and saying to hell with everyone else and their feelings...I'm uncomfortable so screw you all i'm not going to go. Total avoidance.

She tells me she is going through a depression...And has anxiety about seeing them. I tell her that my family loves her regardless and just wants to see her. They won't prod and ask questions.

She still says she won't come. I go to work...I call my sponsor and TALK about it. Feels a bit better. I text my sister and say I'm still coming to dinner but my GF isn't.

I get a snippy text answer back...*We should have gone for dinner last week (The dinner/event was set so we could ALL attend...)

I get angry. I make ANOTHER phone call to my sponsor. I feel a bit better...But not much. ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, ANNOYED.

I'm told i'm not responsible for HER part in this situation. That this is NOT in my control.

I breathe...I go to a noon meeting. I listen. I talk to others. I feel a BIT better again.

I come back to work. I make this post on SR.

Feeling bitter, angry and resentful towards my GF still. Fearful for facing an awkward dinner tonight and answering questions about WHY she isn't attending.

My response will be, *she isn't feeling well enough to attend*.

I'm not responsible for her actions. I'm responsible for my own.

Today has been trying...And it's not over yet. Dinner tonight which was supposed to be a fun event....Has been ruined (at least in MY mind).

Need to vent it out. Still fuming really....

Madruski

Don't worry about it, sometimes a family dinner with only just your family is really good as well.

Just push it over your head, sometimes(most times) you should be on your partners side especially if they are saying they arnt feeling too well. ..look at it rolls reversed.

Imagine if she got angry at you If you said no to a event that included lots of drinking and you really wernt up to the task of saying "no to alco" that day, and you explained that you were not able to handle the temptation but she still got angry.

Sounds to me this is stemming from a selfish side that you have in this relationship.



Am I right?

Btw congrats on 7 months

SoberLeigh

Sounds like you have taken the right steps to put your mind in the right place, Finding.

Take a step back from the issues at home and enjoy your dinner and time with your family.

Having said that, your girlfriend is probably in need of a little TLC; leaving a job, looking for a new one/finding a new career path can be stressful. Maybe plan something nice for just the two of you.

Enjoy your evening, Finding.

biminiblue

I think in all things try to make it a win/win.

She has every right to go or not go to the dinner.

You can either fume and fuss and be upset - or you can look at it for what it is, a dinner with your family. Not a funeral, not a wedding, just dinner.

Let go and let God.

If the family asks questions, answer honestly and let go of their response. I think dinner with family sounds nice.

People say things. I wouldn't give it too much thought, you can't control it.

SereneEdition

Hi Finding -

Congrats on 7 months - Sounds like you've got some great healthy patterns and resources for working through life's stressors. And your response that she isn't feeling well enough to attend sounds like a healthy and helpful way to move passed the issue and focus on enjoying time with your family.

I do see an opportunity here as you still seem upset.

Once you're calmed, I would recommend engaging in some empathy with your GF to understand more of what is going on with her. Truly understanding can help you from having future negative emotional reactions and it will help you shift from your uncomfortable position of having to react to things out of your control, to being in control of crafting solutions.

Enjoy dinner!

AnvilheadII

you don't think possibly you are blowing this just a bit out of proportion? your gf declined to go to dinner. PERIOD. which is her right to make choices that are best FOR HER. but now for YOU dinner is RUINED?

i don't think SHE is the one throwing a tantrum here.

Findingtheway

Thanks everyone for reading and replying.

In response to you Anvilheadll,

I have a few issues that made me angry, the fact that she initially agreed to go and spend time with my family and bailed out at the last minute essentially did anger me.

Also this isn't the first time this type of thing has happened, it has happened before. I worry that it will strain relationships with my family...And eventually the invites will just stop entirely.

My family is important to me, and i struggle to understand her level of anxiety towards seeing them.

Also it is part of bigger picture thing that worries me as well...She's told me on various times that she is concerned she is depressed and that it's hurting her life (and ours) since we are in a relationship.

I appreciate your response, however vehemently disagree with your suggestion that i'm throwing a tantrum here.

I'm more feeling these things that I've blocked/disregarded for a long time and learning how they make ME feel.

Thanks for all the feedback SR.

SparkleKitty

Anxiety and depression are extremely serious issues, and I can understand that you perceive her as being unreliable. However, even though you are dealing with these 'blocked feelings' for the first time, her anxiety and depression is not something she is doing at you to screw up your life. She is hurting, and when you are hurting it is very painful when you tell someone what you need and they take it very personally. She can't go to dinner with you tonight, and it has everything to do with her anxiety and nothing to do (really) with you or your family. It may hurt her relationship with your family but that is her issue to deal with when she is ready. It should not affect *your* relationship with your family unless you let it.

We don't always get to perfectly understand our partners in relationships. The best we can do is to accept them for who they are right now and make our choices accordingly.

bookfreak

7 months....that's AMAZING! Congrats!

I can understand your anger, but will play devil's advocate for just a moment. As someone who deals with and is medicated for depression and severe panic attacks, I want to say that the discomfort/fear/apprehension can be very overwhelming at times. I'm sure she's not doing it to hurt or anger you. Sounds like you've both had some pretty big changes lately and she's just doing her best to adjust to being jobless at the moment.

Try not to let this upset you....she sounds like she's embarrassed and antsy about her situation and perhaps not ready to talk about it yet with your family.

Hang in there.

Soberwolf

Finding i dont know the inner workings of your relationship but from here your frustrated angry etc because your gf has said she didnt want to go and then you say her reason is anxiety & depression

Finding im surprised at what your not seeing here and although you said your family wouldnt prod you say you get a snippy txt from your sister

Finding i suffer with anxiety & depression so i understand how your gf is feeling

Finding i find it baffling your getting so upset about this your gf proberly feels so alienated right now and i know how ish that feels

If i was you id be with my gf dinner can wait

PurpleKnight

I do get the last minute bailing out can be frustrating, sometimes when a plan that has been arranged and agreed on for sometime and then on the day a phone call or text comes through that it's all changed can be very last minute.

But there are some things out of our control, if your girlfriend doesn't want to go then she doesn't want to go, it's probably something to sit down and have a talk about, because clearly she has feelings and emotions that talking about may be helpful.

As for the dinner, if it's just yourself and your family it can still be a good evening, and if you and girlfriend both decide not to go and spend and evening together, that also can be a good evening too.

Great job on 7 Months Finding, no matter what onwards in your Sobriety!!

Findingtheway

Hi SoberWolf.

Thanks for responding.

Upon further reflection, a lot of what i'm feeling here is fear.

I'm not ANGRY so much (anymore) with my GF. I was hurt that she initially made the commitment and then bailed.

And maybe...It is a character defect of SELFISHNESS that is creeping up here. What am I going to say to my family? This has been an ongoing thing with my GF for months now...Ever since we moved into the new apartment.

ALOT of it is based on FEAR. Fear of how others will react (in this case my family) a FEAR that things will get worse ( she won't want to go out ANYWHERE for ANYTHING) and that will terrify me...Because i won't know how to HELP my best friend.

And I've had depression/anxiety issues myself in the past...But nothing chronic/debilitating (thankfully.) But you are right i don't know what she's going through...And i don't know how to help.

Feel like i'm walking a tight rope of wanting to keep my own recovery as my priority and trying to fit everything else/everyone in and accommodate everything.

Call it FEAR, FRUSTRATION, ANXIETY.

I'm leaning on my program today. Thanks for being here and thanks for the different perspective.

Findingtheway

AnvilheadII

nice job of digging underneath the "obvious" emotion.....

Soberwolf

Finding i think you are a amazing person i honestly do and i know you have suffered in the past hence why i said how can you not see it

Agrophobia which i have can keep you housebound at times i dont know if your gf has that but at a guess i think obviously because she hasnt got a job its hard turning up to events where you feel the spotlight is on you (you know i know how horrible that feeling is) Finding if its starting to get like that my advice is be supportive your gf has stood by you and i know in my heart your intentions are good

The best way to deal with this is by talking its obvious how much she trusts you to tell you this your family will always invite you family will always be family

Ive started therapy for my anxiety on a bad day it can be debilitating and it might be the same for your gf

i know how guilty i felt and mrs sw never even put pressure on if she had it would of only made me feel more guilty like im a **** person

(((((Finding))))) Your sobriety always comes first in your life as it will help you to help your gf

Sorry if i seem harsh your my sobriety brother you really are

If this was me id choose to be with my gf family will always be there

LexieCat

Yup, you're processing this the right way. You not only have no control over what SHE does, you also have no control over what your FAMILY thinks or says.

Don't worry about making everyone happy. If your family complains, just say something like, "Hey, I've been looking forward to dinner with all of you. Can we just enjoy each other's company without complaining about who's not here?" Don't worry about defending her, or defending your family. If you keep the focus on what's YOURS to control you will find yourself a lot less frustrated and resentful.

BrandonInCO

I think Anvil is being unnecessarily harsh. This is supposed to be a place of support, not attack.

That said, I think at this point forcing your gf to go will only ruin the night even MORE. She would be there against her will, it would be obvious to your family there had been a fight about it, etc.

I think you got a lot of good advice in that you should make the most of it. Life gives you lemons, yanno?

My partner is the same, in that he really doesn't like going out to do a lot of the same things I do, for one reason or the other. It disappoints me that I can't always share those times with him, but at the same time, we DO have our own things together that we do that are our own.

Your sister sounds like she went out of her way to make you feel bad about it, too. Which in turn is turning you against your gf. That's not cool, and should be addressed, as well.

Anna

I understand, since you say this is somewhat of a pattern with your girlfriend, that you are afraid of where this might go for the two of you. That makes sense. Is your girlfriend being treated for depression/anxiety with medication or therapy? If not, you might make a suggestion to her that she could be helped.

Wastinglife

I can actually sympathize with your girlfriend. During the height of my alcoholism, I had quit a good job. I was not happy working there and I saw it as the reason I was drinking so much. I was suffering depression and anxiety at the time as well.

I backed out of quite a few events that my live-in girlfriend at the time had planned with her family. I felt inadequate and anxious around them, and I drank too much in front of them to ease my discomfort. I didn't know whether they knew about my situation or not and I did not want to answer questions from them. I wasn't myself and just couldn't fake it.

If your girlfriend is suffering from mental illness then give her a break. Would you insist she come out to dinner if she has the flu?

thomas11

FTW, I understand your frustration and I think you have some solid ground to stand on. that being said. At this point in time, keep things calm. Be the glue that holds everything together. And your sobriety will help you with this situation. Live to fight another day. Enjoy your family dinner and enjoy the moment and the food, let the GF thing go for tonight. Address the issue at a later date. That's the best I got.

Dee74

There's some good advice here Finding.
For what it's worth I think you're pretty spot on with the fear thing.

D