counterintuitive diseases and healing
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
counterintuitive diseases and healing
The more I learn about this family disease of alcoholism/addiction, it continually strikes me how very counterintuitive it is.
To find my power, I first need to accept what I'm powerless over.
To be able to do more things on my own, I have needed to seek out and accept help and support from others.
To be closer to my husband, I've needed to be willing to step away. The only real way I've been actually able help him, is to learn how to be mentally, physically and spiritually fit myself, with the intent of helping myself... not with trying to show him anything or change him.
The ways I perceived that I was helping, now I view as most often standing between him and his Higher Power, or taking on roles of rescuer, therapist, counselor, mother, martyr, judge, jury, cop. I am learning instead of how to detach my emotional state from his, with love. I am learning how to be true to my own person, my own values, without trying to change him, his outlook, his values. Those are his to find, in his way, just as I need to do that for myself.
To learn what healthy fear is, I've needed to give up irrational fear.
To fully love, I've needed to let go.
To find emotional balance, I've needed to acknowledge my emotions and find a safe place to do that.
To quiet all the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, I've needed to learn how to listen to others, and how to sit quietly with myself.
Baby steps. One day at a time. Had I ever looked forward to doing these things, I may have thought them impossible. Easy does it. Keep it simple. Words that guide me even as I write this, as it all seems overwhelming until I break it down, trust the process, and do the next right action.
Instead of forcing solutions, take the focus off me and be of service in a healthy way. Do some gentle self-care. Connect with my Higher Power.
Your thoughts, es&h welcome on the counterintuitive aspects of this disease.
To find my power, I first need to accept what I'm powerless over.
To be able to do more things on my own, I have needed to seek out and accept help and support from others.
To be closer to my husband, I've needed to be willing to step away. The only real way I've been actually able help him, is to learn how to be mentally, physically and spiritually fit myself, with the intent of helping myself... not with trying to show him anything or change him.
The ways I perceived that I was helping, now I view as most often standing between him and his Higher Power, or taking on roles of rescuer, therapist, counselor, mother, martyr, judge, jury, cop. I am learning instead of how to detach my emotional state from his, with love. I am learning how to be true to my own person, my own values, without trying to change him, his outlook, his values. Those are his to find, in his way, just as I need to do that for myself.
To learn what healthy fear is, I've needed to give up irrational fear.
To fully love, I've needed to let go.
To find emotional balance, I've needed to acknowledge my emotions and find a safe place to do that.
To quiet all the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, I've needed to learn how to listen to others, and how to sit quietly with myself.
Baby steps. One day at a time. Had I ever looked forward to doing these things, I may have thought them impossible. Easy does it. Keep it simple. Words that guide me even as I write this, as it all seems overwhelming until I break it down, trust the process, and do the next right action.
Instead of forcing solutions, take the focus off me and be of service in a healthy way. Do some gentle self-care. Connect with my Higher Power.
Your thoughts, es&h welcome on the counterintuitive aspects of this disease.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you for sharing. I am beginning the process of understanding this disease and all the aspects of it. My biggest fear has been that I am going to let my husband's addiction define me and my family. It is going to be tough but I know I have my own personal purpose in life here on earth....not defined by my husband or his addiction. I need to read others journeys through this process to help me begin and continue my own. Thank you for your words!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Exactly why so many of the "smart people" (alcoholics and f/f alike) have such a hard time with the recovery process. We THINK too darned much and want things to make SENSE.
Love the italics around smart. I agree. Maybe not so smart after all, as I look at my journey in this disease. I'm learning to listen to my body, think with my body more and settle down the massive amounts of energy burn up my brain has a tendency to want to do. Intellectual inclinations to tend to trip things up for me!
I so badly didn't want to take hold of the gift of desperation. I wanted to believe I could research and find concrete answers and solutions that would change the alcoholic in my life. Little did I know how beautiful things can be, if only I was willing to change my own thoughts and behaviors.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 82
Agreed, the spiritual side of the 12 Steps "works backwards", as you were saying in the OP. "Do. Then Understand."
I like collecting (and using <s>) 'mind tools'. One useful one, for me, is:
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." - Robert Brault
I like collecting (and using <s>) 'mind tools'. One useful one, for me, is:
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." - Robert Brault
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Thank you keepingthefaith. If there's anything good to come out of my experience, it's that I'm finally learning what it means to live and love. I've finally learned that one of the most important lessons in life is to know how to accept things and let go... in the end, we have to accept the loss of everything.
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In my losing everything, I've now gained so much more than I previously had. My voice, knowing myself -- and liking myself -- much better relationships, and jobs that are more interesting, fun, rewarding and pay better.
Yes, one day at a time, life gets better and better.
Yes, one day at a time, life gets better and better.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Logic is wanting headspace today... yet time and again all that's done is kept me trapped in the chaos of alcoholism and dysfunctional relationships.
Prayer:
Give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the Illogical.
Prayer:
Give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the Illogical.
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