cheating? or paranoid. ..
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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cheating? or paranoid. ..
Advice/question.
Do alcoholics have a tendency to cheat? I've been having , I guess you call it women's intuition lately that mine has been up to something? I'm not really sure what but certain things have made me thank he's hiding something..
all of a sudden he is concerned that his shirts are not wrinkled yet he usually has no problem walking around with holes in his tank tops?
Recently picked up new boxers and shirts. I know to most people that doesn't sound like anything odd except if you knew how my husband usually dresses or cares about stuff like that it's extremely weird for him.
He says things that make my eyebrows raised like for instance yesterday we were talking about cheating and he goes oh yeah "im down to f&*k" this was after he started drinking mind you, so I looked at him I said what did you say? he tried to play it off like I miss " heard him" and he actually said "I'm f*****" or something and I was like what are you talking about ? I heard you I'm not an idiot and he fought me on it so I just dropped it but that's not a saying that he ever says ...its something a single guy in his twenties might say you know what I mean.. it just seemed weird? Then he said even if I was some horny cheating husband I would be too scared to get some who're pregnant.. Really? Thats his concern? not that he would be hurting and possibly infecting his wife with some disease no that wouldn't be his concern , it would be a selfish reason like getting some other girl pregnant . I just rolled my eyes and left the room. Mind you he is almost a 40 year old man. do I sound paranoid or does this sound like something could be going on?
Do alcoholics have a tendency to cheat? I've been having , I guess you call it women's intuition lately that mine has been up to something? I'm not really sure what but certain things have made me thank he's hiding something..
all of a sudden he is concerned that his shirts are not wrinkled yet he usually has no problem walking around with holes in his tank tops?
Recently picked up new boxers and shirts. I know to most people that doesn't sound like anything odd except if you knew how my husband usually dresses or cares about stuff like that it's extremely weird for him.
He says things that make my eyebrows raised like for instance yesterday we were talking about cheating and he goes oh yeah "im down to f&*k" this was after he started drinking mind you, so I looked at him I said what did you say? he tried to play it off like I miss " heard him" and he actually said "I'm f*****" or something and I was like what are you talking about ? I heard you I'm not an idiot and he fought me on it so I just dropped it but that's not a saying that he ever says ...its something a single guy in his twenties might say you know what I mean.. it just seemed weird? Then he said even if I was some horny cheating husband I would be too scared to get some who're pregnant.. Really? Thats his concern? not that he would be hurting and possibly infecting his wife with some disease no that wouldn't be his concern , it would be a selfish reason like getting some other girl pregnant . I just rolled my eyes and left the room. Mind you he is almost a 40 year old man. do I sound paranoid or does this sound like something could be going on?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Pregnant - we ARE codies. We tend to know them better than they know themselves, let alone we have the sober factor going for our "Spidey Sense".
Listen to your gut - if we had all done that in the beginning, I doubt many of us would be here.
(((HUGS))) to you and the bun in the oven. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself.
Listen to your gut - if we had all done that in the beginning, I doubt many of us would be here.
(((HUGS))) to you and the bun in the oven. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by pregnant37 
Recently picked up new boxers and shirts.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Does it really matter whether or not alcoholism makes a person more likely to cheat? The fact is your husband has a drinking problem and doesn't want to quit. But, to answer your question No alcoholism and cheating have nothing to do with each other. Here is the truth about human nature:
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Abusers abuse
Thieves steal
None of these things have anything to do with alcoholism. So, even if your alcoholic were to quit chances are better than not they would still lie, cheat, abuse and steal. Now the question is are you willing to accept that?
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Abusers abuse
Thieves steal
None of these things have anything to do with alcoholism. So, even if your alcoholic were to quit chances are better than not they would still lie, cheat, abuse and steal. Now the question is are you willing to accept that?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I tend to feel the same way. Your gut instinct is typically never completely wrong. However your brain will also start playing out wild scenarios as well, much of which will not be close to true or accurate (you may picture the worst) but the key is that something feels off so you need to address whatever that is that's making you off and come to terms with that.
The thing that stinks is that you can't have a conversation with him about it...Because no matter what he says you probably will always have that doubt. I've tried it myself, and felt relieved for a moment but then realize how manipulative that those with an addiction can be, and realize ACTIONS NOT WORDS are what needs done. Talking at this point does nothing.
Thoughts and hugs going out to you in this time of need, I hope things get better. Keep coming here.
The thing that stinks is that you can't have a conversation with him about it...Because no matter what he says you probably will always have that doubt. I've tried it myself, and felt relieved for a moment but then realize how manipulative that those with an addiction can be, and realize ACTIONS NOT WORDS are what needs done. Talking at this point does nothing.
Thoughts and hugs going out to you in this time of need, I hope things get better. Keep coming here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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See? I don't feel so crazy then about the new boxers and shirts especially when it's out of the norm. as far as the question of will I accept that? Heck no! that is the one thing that I will never accept or forgive it just wouldn't happen so if he is maybe it's a blessing in disguise because it could be the push needed you know what I mean? and I guess I'm not ready to face what I find? I'm scared I'm going to see something and basically lose all control... it's crazy how us women will tolerate much more than we should from men but when it comes to cheating 99% of us are gone. it's just not something that you can ever move forward from in my personal opinion.. the trust is gone, the resentment is there, and I wouldnt even be able to lay in bed with him.
the other thing is he comes home every day after work so if he was doing something it would be during the day when he is supposed to be at his business , which he could very easily leave and nobody would say anything because he's the boss.
the other thing is he comes home every day after work so if he was doing something it would be during the day when he is supposed to be at his business , which he could very easily leave and nobody would say anything because he's the boss.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Sweety, you mentioned in your other thread that you spent last night cleaning up his urine in the kitchen. And that a few nights ago he left a pool of bile in the bed. It sounds like you have plenty of reasons besides cheating to move on.
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and in my opinion cheating is a choice that is usually made up in the person's mind way before they ever commit the act of cheating so as far as making excuses or asking for forgiveness from me if he is cheating? the answer would be a big fat hell no pack your s*** and get the f*** out! because that's the one thing that I have zero sympathy for and I would never ever accept.
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I know and you are correct I do have millions of other reasons that I should move on.... why is this so hard when we know we deserve better? I know he's never going to change and if I stay with him I'm only going to become more and more miserable and I don't want to be a miserable mom for my child. I want to be happy because she deserves a happy mother.
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Knowing we deserve better in our heads is not the same as really feeling it in our hearts. I spent many years beating myself up for not being capable of making healthy choices before I could face my own issues of low (non-existent!) self-esteem and codependency. Until I learned to love me with the force and willingness I reserved only for others who didn't really deserve it, I was doomed to keep having bad relationship after bad relationship. You said early in another thread that if it was just you, you could handle his abuse and drinking, but with a baby in the picture that changed things. I hope you soon come to a place that it is enough to stand up for what you really deserve.
Your baby has no choices here, and as the child of an alcoholic mother and codependent father I can tell you that your baby will learn lessons that you won't even know you are teaching her -- like what a relationship looks like, how women should allow themselves to be treated, and, I hope, when to walk away from someone who is treating you badly.
Sending you strength and courage to save yourself and your child from this situation.
Your baby has no choices here, and as the child of an alcoholic mother and codependent father I can tell you that your baby will learn lessons that you won't even know you are teaching her -- like what a relationship looks like, how women should allow themselves to be treated, and, I hope, when to walk away from someone who is treating you badly.
Sending you strength and courage to save yourself and your child from this situation.
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The hardest part in my recovery from myself has been:
- reaching out to those who can help
- gathering a strong support network
- being willing and open to changing my thoughts and behaviors
As I worked on those 3 core things, I've found much more support, healing and personal growth. Looking for "proof" of problems doesn't really help me see them better, it just keeps my mind whirling.
As I can focus on me, and also get beyond myself and do service work in Alanon, I'm learning how to get through both good days and bad.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're ready for something more for yourself and your baby.
Have you considered calling your local domestic violence center? Emotional abuse can come in many forms, can be hard to recognize and is just as damaging as verbal and physical abuse. ((((Hugs))))
- reaching out to those who can help
- gathering a strong support network
- being willing and open to changing my thoughts and behaviors
As I worked on those 3 core things, I've found much more support, healing and personal growth. Looking for "proof" of problems doesn't really help me see them better, it just keeps my mind whirling.
As I can focus on me, and also get beyond myself and do service work in Alanon, I'm learning how to get through both good days and bad.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're ready for something more for yourself and your baby.
Have you considered calling your local domestic violence center? Emotional abuse can come in many forms, can be hard to recognize and is just as damaging as verbal and physical abuse. ((((Hugs))))
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Originally Posted by pregnant37
and in my opinion cheating is a choice that is usually made up in the person's mind way before they ever commit the act of cheating so as far as making excuses or asking for forgiveness from me if he is cheating? the answer would be a big fat hell no pack your s*** and get the f*** out! because that's the one thing that I have zero sympathy for and I would never ever accept.
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Pregnant37-
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the alcohol concerns that had been present in the marriage.
I truly believe that they are two seperate challenges for the individual participating in them, but I responded to them similarly.......
I beat myself up, thought it was all my fault, tried to make a perfect life so he would not do it etc.
In addition I found that ANY kind of recovery I did helped both problems. Al-anon helped me to cope with the affair and with the alcohol (especially detachment).
They do say that during pregnancy if often a time of infidelity for men (from cheating research). I am not saying that is what happening, just to say you would not be alone.
In either case cheating or not, you deserve what is best for you and the baby. I know you will find that path for you.
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the alcohol concerns that had been present in the marriage.
I truly believe that they are two seperate challenges for the individual participating in them, but I responded to them similarly.......
I beat myself up, thought it was all my fault, tried to make a perfect life so he would not do it etc.
In addition I found that ANY kind of recovery I did helped both problems. Al-anon helped me to cope with the affair and with the alcohol (especially detachment).
They do say that during pregnancy if often a time of infidelity for men (from cheating research). I am not saying that is what happening, just to say you would not be alone.
In either case cheating or not, you deserve what is best for you and the baby. I know you will find that path for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by pregnant37
the other thing is he comes home every day after work so if he was doing something it would be during the day when he is supposed to be at his business .
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Please, PLEASE, whatever you do, don't confront him on this or try to "kick him out" or threaten to leave without a SAFETY PLAN. He is violent, he abuses you, and he has guns in the house. This could easily turn lethal, however "in control" you feel at the moment.
Please contact an advocate so you can leave safely. Confronting him without a plan is a disaster waiting to happen.
Please contact an advocate so you can leave safely. Confronting him without a plan is a disaster waiting to happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
My alcoholic ex cheated on me when I was pregnant. He was horrible to deal with while I was pregnant. I was constantly worried that I was going to lose my baby from the stress of it all and with a second term miscarriage previously, it was possible. We ended up divorcing when my daughter was 10 months old as my ex ended up getting the other woman pregnant.
I was afraid to be a single mom. But guess what? I realize now that I was going to be a single mom even if I was still married to him. If I knew what I knew now, I would have left while I was pregnant. My ex getting another woman pregnant was the last straw, but really, my standards needed re-evaluated. When my daughter was born, that was when I really became protective and didn't tolerate any more poor behaviors. I wish I had the backbone to have left sooner.
Please take care of yourself and your baby. It's hard. I blamed myself for the drinking and the cheating, but please know that whatever your ex is doing or not doing is his to own.
Big hug.
I was afraid to be a single mom. But guess what? I realize now that I was going to be a single mom even if I was still married to him. If I knew what I knew now, I would have left while I was pregnant. My ex getting another woman pregnant was the last straw, but really, my standards needed re-evaluated. When my daughter was born, that was when I really became protective and didn't tolerate any more poor behaviors. I wish I had the backbone to have left sooner.
Please take care of yourself and your baby. It's hard. I blamed myself for the drinking and the cheating, but please know that whatever your ex is doing or not doing is his to own.
Big hug.
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I was just getting ready to type what Lexie said about NOT confronting him or getting up in his face about anything.
It is a very dangerous time if an abuser....or a drunk abuser....thinks that you are becoming independent or might leave. The loss of control that they feel will cause them to do things that they have never done before....even kill their partner...their whole family....the pets. Where I live...it is on the news almost every single day.
It would be best if you behave as you normally do...no matter what you are planning. Even if you caught him cheating....go about your "business" and don't say anything to him about it. No good will come from getting into a fight with him. You won't gain anything and you have the world to lose!
You know where to call if you need serious help. And, the help will be there.
Keep your head about you. NOt your heart. Your heart can't be trusted, right now.
Remember that your baby needs h er mother alive..and she needs a healthy mother to get into this world safely. SAFETY is your most important peiority, right now. Keep telling yourself.
There are lots of good websites about how to protect yourself in an abusive relationship and how to make plans. Perhaps reading some of them will help you.
Don't forget to erase your search history...!
Whether he is messing around, right now is not as important as the fact that he has loaded guns in the house.
dandylion
It is a very dangerous time if an abuser....or a drunk abuser....thinks that you are becoming independent or might leave. The loss of control that they feel will cause them to do things that they have never done before....even kill their partner...their whole family....the pets. Where I live...it is on the news almost every single day.
It would be best if you behave as you normally do...no matter what you are planning. Even if you caught him cheating....go about your "business" and don't say anything to him about it. No good will come from getting into a fight with him. You won't gain anything and you have the world to lose!
You know where to call if you need serious help. And, the help will be there.
Keep your head about you. NOt your heart. Your heart can't be trusted, right now.
Remember that your baby needs h er mother alive..and she needs a healthy mother to get into this world safely. SAFETY is your most important peiority, right now. Keep telling yourself.
There are lots of good websites about how to protect yourself in an abusive relationship and how to make plans. Perhaps reading some of them will help you.
Don't forget to erase your search history...!
Whether he is messing around, right now is not as important as the fact that he has loaded guns in the house.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Another word about being a single parent...not only am I single parent to my children even though I am still married to and living with my AH (18 more days, people...have I mentioned that lately?), but in many ways you end up parenting the addict, too. Even with recovery and detachment, there is just a certain amount of crap you end up doing that adds to stress and workload, and makes it feel like you have an extra kid. A slobbish, inconsiderate, obnoxious extra kid.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
I can soooo relate to what Wisconsin wrote about her AH... because my mom has always said this about my alcoholic father and I have witnessed it myself.
OP, please take care of yourself. Everyone is right in that you need a plan, and in that your kids need you. Lots of strength to your way!
OP, please take care of yourself. Everyone is right in that you need a plan, and in that your kids need you. Lots of strength to your way!
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