firebolt

I am ready to leave.

I've said "I think I'm ready to leave" many times. I am trying to find a place to live. My girlfriends will be here this weekend, ABF will not be. When the weekend is over, we are separating the bedrooms til I can move out. No kids, house is in his name. Easy peasy.

Some difficulties I am having:

My dad is sick - with a brain tumor - prognosis just sucks. ABF is *some support. I didn't think I could deal with leaving at the same time as dealing with dads health. Yeah, but the whole pain of staying being greater than the pain of leaving thing....I know. I'm there.

Rentals in my town SUCK. I make good money, but have 3 pets I am NOT willing to part with. Plus, I need a garage. If a place even comes along that allows pets, it is twice my budget...and I need a garage. I'm not giving up my motorcycles or tools either. Plus, it's a college town and school starts in 3 weeks - rentals are scarce. I am checking craigslist literally every 10 minutes. This is my biggest problem by far right now. I need to find a GOOD place to move to. I can't finance a place. 5 live in boyfriends, a medical bankruptcy years ago, and a foreclosure during the crash has taken its toll on my credit for 4 more years.

My job - I make good money, but my boss (a recovering A that is CRAZY TOWN at times) is driving this place into the ground. Shes trying, but I could see us folding up within a year. I've been here 11 years. I have zero job security,because the company is unstable. But that's future tripping...and I can change that too. All the self sabotaging fears though - I won't find something where I make enough, will I measure up if I do all that.

ABF - loss of all the hopes and dreams for us, for me, for him, 'our' house , his dog, our friendship, and worst of all....dealing with myself, the future, and the fact that I picked wrong again. I know...buck up buttercup...there is no bread here. It is just rally hard.

The facts:

I attribute most of our problems to his drinking; when really, neither of us know who he really is, what our relationship would really be, or what our actual problems to face as a couple would be, or if would even like eachother if he ever became sober.

That's a moot point because he does not want to stop drinking, he does not see it as a problem whatsoever, and I see it as a game ender. It is progressing. The king baby incidents are getting more frequent, and I am detached (for the most part) from him and the relationship. I deserve much, much more than I am getting. I'm kind of a bad@$$ partner to have - now that I can see my own faults. Lol.

Where I'm at:

I am ashamed of a lot of this, and have never really admitted the extent of it. I have willfully chosen to live for 4 years longer than I should have in an extremely stressful relationship. Constant worry about an "unacceptable behavior incident" in front of my family and friends....most shameful of all to me, is that I've allowed it over and over in front of me, and the toll I have let it take on ME. I don't think he's cheated on me, but my guts haven't trusted him when drunk for a while. I can't even trust that he could drive me to the hospital if I ever hurt myself. He has been verbally abusive - I've returned the favor. We've had one unacceptable physical altercation. I do not like who he is a good part of the time TODAY. I've felt the same about myself a lot of the time in the last 4 years, and that $h!t needs to change.

The facts:

I am scared to face losing my father without a love to snuggle me. My family and friends are the best, but i love intimacy and comfort from a partner. I am scared of the dating pool here one day. I see so. much. addiction. EVERYWHERE. The concept of "The one" (especially at 39) seems completely improbable to me - yet I really want it some day. My parents just celebrated 40 years, I'm a romantic - even though I am a repeat offender in finding Mr Wrong. I am scared of affording rent on my own in this town, especially with my job.

I cannot wait to wake up in a bedroom that doesn't smell like the Viper Room at 2 am - every single day. I can't wait to BE MYSELF again. My funny, silly, carefree joyous and lighthearted self. I need to figure out why my picker is dead broken, and how to fix it. The last 4 years have changed my life forever - mostly because of his drinking leading me here to you guys, and wow - what an education. I have changed. Like, A LOT. I like it and need to see where I make those changes lead me. I can't wait to be free of all those eggshells I walk around. I want an end to the lack of fulfillment, the lack of security, the inability to see my future with my partner, and the endless and pointless hours spent with someone who's half there. I am excited to be alone for a while. I've never had troubles there....but then again, I eventually get lonely and pick the wrong one and just don't ditch them even when I know I should. I am excited to get myself mentally, physically and spiritually healthier. I am inspired by so many here for a new, relaxing, peaceful life!

I need:

Prayers, strength, serenity, encouragement, happy endings stories from you all,( and a damn place to live.) I need suggestions on how to never be in this mess again. I am going to Alanon, read all the books. I get it - I finally SEE that I am sick. I finally see my part. What I do is the problem. I've wanted to leave and known I needed to leave off an on through this whole relationship. I do not ever want to be in that situation or do that to myself again.

Thanks guys - for being the place I can be totally honest, vulnerable and get so much support.

BoxinRotz

I could have written a good bit of your post. I won't pin point any specific quote but yea....

Hope you find your way!

Butterfly

(((((Hugs))))) firebolt. I am so sorry to hear about your dad,.

What's for you won't go by you, there is the perfect wee rental out there for you.

You have a lot going on right now but you know what's what and I think once you get your own home you will start to feel a lot clearer and will be able to keep the focus on you so much more. Thoughts and prayers are with you

LexieCat

I can see the pets being a must-have, but a garage? I think you can live without one for a while, at least. You can store your tools for the time being--maybe even get a friend to store them for you. And how many motorcycles do you own? Surely you can manage having just one, and investing in something to allow you to lock it and protect it from the elements?

If you have too many things on the "must have" list, you could wind up staying put for a long time.

Another possibility, advertise for someone interested in sharing rent. There are roommate-finder services online.

I'm very sorry about your dad's illness, but you don't need to "cuddle" with someone to get through it. You've got pets, you've got friends. You will grieve no matter what, but a warm body isn't essential.

I think these obstacles are more in your own mind than things that are truly insurmountable--most obstacles are. When you actually begin on a course of action, various options and opportunities tend to appear--because it is the right time and you're ready for them.

Hugs, you can make it happen if you put your mind to it. You're a tough lady!

LexieCat

Oh, one other idea (I was looking into this when I briefly contemplated getting a motorcycle--before my lesson that convinced me it probably wasn't a great idea for me)--look into whether someone would like to make a few bucks by allowing you to rent garage space for your bike. If you found a great house/apartment in your price range, maybe you could swing a few bucks a month for that. Just a thought.

spiderqueen

Hi Firebolt;
I just happened by, and the above quotes jumped out at me. I left my XABF for good just as my dad was dying from cancer. I thought I needed what support and help X could offer, too, but sure enough, an active alcoholic sucks at this!! My therapist suggested I "mourn them both together - a two-fer". I did. It was not easy, but I was definitely better off managing my dad's death on my own. Other friends and family stepped up beautifully to help me.

Also, I am the poster child for thinking there is no love in middle age, after a failed long term marriage, and a train wreck of a love affair with an alcoholic. Guess what? I went on to meet the most lovely man on the planet. We are very happily, healthily in love. He proposed to me last month.

Just a little encouragement from someone who has walked in your shoes. Good luck, take heart, and forge ahead! Beautiful things await you.

xo Spider

firebolt

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the encouragement. Lexie, you are right. My need to be free is greater than my need for a perfect home...i just think the perfect home would make it all easier. I just made an appointment to see a place with no garage. I can rent a storage unit and that can be my 'shop.' I won't sell either bike. One is sentimental, the other is a work in progress all by me. I've got a death grip on it to show myself that i can follow through on something i set my mind to...alone. I'll have to post before and afters one day when shes done. I'll keep open to a not so perfect place though for sure. You are right, the obstacles are my addict voice talking.

Spiderqueen, thanks so much. Both are so hard. I needed the inspiration. Congrats on your engagement!!

LexieCat

Yup, the perfect place WOULD make it easier, but my theory (lol, agnostic that I am) is that God or the Universe or something sometimes tests our faith a little to see whether we are really WILLING to step out on that limb, carefully but confident that ultimately we will get what we need.

*channelling the Rolling Stones*

firebolt

Ha. I'm Methodist and your theory works for me. Love it!

TryGuy

firebolt,

I am the male version of you, and so much of what you said hit home with the situation I am in as far as the wishing for normalcy, questioning of my poor choices, the SMELL in the bedroom...So awful.

I just wanted to say that you are not at all alone in this, and also that there is hope for you, and for me, because there are others out there like us. If I ever decide to date again I would not shy away from someone who had been through this before because they would UNDERSTAND it. You likewise will be in such a wonderful relationship again someday and I have faith that I will too.

So sorry for what you have to go through but reading all you have said...shame about the incidents in front of family...fear of yourself for how long you let it play out...it's all so familiar to me I could have posted it. You are not alone and you will recover! We are codependents, that's all, we have our own things to work through. The difference is we came here, we identified it, we're working to FIX it - And we will succeed!

firebolt

Thanks TG - I hate that so many people go through this, BUT I love the comfort that comes from people that understand. Chins up! We'll get there!

FireSprite

You GO Fire!!! I *knew* this was coming from you, - your posts have been so full of independence & resolve & the strength to make changes.

Have you also asked around at your Al-Anon groups just in case anyone has a lead on a rental? It's worth a shot - locally a lot of peeps don't like to advertise their rentals for fear of who will respond so they handle it more word-of-mouth.

I'd send you strength, but I don't think you need it. I'll send prayers instead, that the right place finds you as quickly as possible. Fingers crossed!!!

Sungrl

Your story is mine as well. I struggled for a long time with my decision to leave. I loved the intimacy too. Towards the end it was gone all together, his addiction became his lover. I honestly don't even know what role I played half the time.

My Dad passed away in April from esophageal caner that spread.
I was heartbroken and thank god I have my Mom and brothers. We are doing great.

My X was in jail at the time and that was a blessing because I think I would have sought out some comfort that would have been a fantasy.
He was never a shoulder for me to lean on. Never a rock to make me feel as if everything would be ok. He was a selfish manipulative addict not even close to wanting recovery.

My thoughts are with you. You will make it through this and get what you deserve.

Kboys

(((Firebolt))))

You sure have a lot on your plate right now, but you sound so strong and you have come so far!
You are an inspiration to me.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you perfect house vibes

firebolt

FS, SG - thanks so much.

FS - I am asking everyone I know (that I am willing to talk a little about this with) if they know of any rentals. Ears are open all over the place for me. It WILL happen!

I had a dream last night. My dreams are sometimes SO vivid and symbolic, and I have had a lot of tornado dreams. I had one real life experience with a nearby tornado, but I'm in MT, so - we don't see many of them.

Anyway, I dreamed I was in the middle of this big tornado, and I just needed to get to the outside of it. It was odd and semi calm in the center- everything spinning around me - roaring loud, windy, dusty - chaos!

During the spinning mess around me I would catch glimpses of these handles - like the "oh $h!t" handle in a car. I just kept thinking I just need to walk into the spinning mess and just grab one. Hopefully it doesn't tear my arm off, and I don't get hit by a flinging car or impaled by a fence post or something, but if I can grab one, I can get out of here and it'll be ok. Never got out before I woke up, but what what a nice "shove" in the right direction to wake up remembering this AM.

Wisconsin

fb, we've been twinsies for a lot of my time here on SR. We have faced a lot of the same emotional barriers, and I have always appreciated your ESH. I also struggled a lot with finding a place to live. There are kids involved in my own situation which added a layer of complication, but I did throw up more than a few road blocks for myself that were entirely unnecessary. I finally arrived at the point where as long as the kids have a place to sleep and beds to sleep on, I have no problem renting a tiny two bedroom apartment, where I will sleep on the living room floor. Like you, I also had some very real impediments to getting moved, but with patience and tenacity I've gotten there. Sending you lots of ((hugs)) and wishes for peace and serenity. I'm keeping you and your dad in my heart.

Mango blast

firesprite,

My thoughts & prayers are with you, and your dad. Miracles happen every day. Sometimes in different ways than expected.

Have you read the "Life changing magic of tidying up"? $10 at Costco. Might be a fun activity as you get ready to move, especially if your girlfriends help with labor.

Doing the exercises in the book the way they're suggested has been wonderful for me. I'm good at sorting and getting rid of, but now I'm learning about me and my own likes, wants and desires. It's shifted my way of thinking, in a good way.

As for shame, that was one of many ways I used to put myself down. Looking for readings about shame in the Alanon literature may be helpful. Have you ever chaired a meeting? Shame would be a great topic to get es&h on.

Many great things are ahead for you! Breath deeply, baby steps, One day at a time.

Ktf

hopeful4

Hi FB.

I also am so sorry about your dad. My heart is with you.

As you said, the future will be brighter for your credit. Until then, don't future trip and just do the best you can for now.

Call the Independent Insurance Agents in your town. I work in an Independent Agency (we sell for numerous companies), and we insure ALOT of rentals. A lot of landlords have nice little houses that they will only rent by word of mouth, they don't advertise at all. And ask the agents there if they know of anyone with a vacant house on their hands that they may want to rent to just the right person. I have a lot of clients who have inherited property and they just sit empty and they pay huge premiums b/c of the vacancy. They just don't want to mess with being a landlord. However, for just the right person they may consider it. I recommended a friend to one of my clients with a vacant home this way and it has worked great for both of them.

It never hurts to ask!

I second...One Day At A Time!!!!

XXX

firebolt

Great ideas - thanks! I'll check out the book, and with some people I know that work in insurance.

HopefulinFLA

Firebolt I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

When I read your posts, what I'm reading between the lines is how strong and independent you are.

Although I don't have any advice for you, I'll keep my Fingers crossed for you that the perfect rental becomes available soon.