Cohabitation during separation
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Cohabitation during separation
Why is she doing this?
Trying to detach, giving her space. Trying to work on me and not be involved. Meanwhile she's looking for a new place to live.
Yet...second time in 4 nights. Leaves and Says she'll be home early. Has work tomorrow. Late night texts that she won't be back. Staying at a friends house she says.
At this point it doesn't make a difference if she left for another guy like last time. I'm now more sure than ever but just want it out of my life.
Going to ask her to please come home tomorrow, pack a bag, stay wherever she has been staying these 2 nights this week. I'll watch her dog until she gets a new place. Now I really just want her out. No respect. She has space here - moved to an entire floor of the house just for her away from our bedroom. Not enough still. She is doing whatever she wants and hasn't even moved out yet.
This is the same pattern 4 years ago when she drank, cheated, and left. Why am I so dumb? How can she be so evil? And I feel so bad for this poor dog.
Man life is rough sometimes. Kicking myself now for ever wanting to try again now that I see that 4 years can go by and history still repeat itself.
I'm floored. Is this her trying to hurt me on the way out the door? I was doing my best to put on a brave face. But she's killing me. Just need her and her stuff out asap now. Why these tactics?
Trying to detach, giving her space. Trying to work on me and not be involved. Meanwhile she's looking for a new place to live.
Yet...second time in 4 nights. Leaves and Says she'll be home early. Has work tomorrow. Late night texts that she won't be back. Staying at a friends house she says.
At this point it doesn't make a difference if she left for another guy like last time. I'm now more sure than ever but just want it out of my life.
Going to ask her to please come home tomorrow, pack a bag, stay wherever she has been staying these 2 nights this week. I'll watch her dog until she gets a new place. Now I really just want her out. No respect. She has space here - moved to an entire floor of the house just for her away from our bedroom. Not enough still. She is doing whatever she wants and hasn't even moved out yet.
This is the same pattern 4 years ago when she drank, cheated, and left. Why am I so dumb? How can she be so evil? And I feel so bad for this poor dog.
Man life is rough sometimes. Kicking myself now for ever wanting to try again now that I see that 4 years can go by and history still repeat itself.
I'm floored. Is this her trying to hurt me on the way out the door? I was doing my best to put on a brave face. But she's killing me. Just need her and her stuff out asap now. Why these tactics?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Try, you mentioned pregnancies. Do you have children together?
If not, she is doing you a big hurtful favour by leaving. You are resisting, thinking it isn't fair, all natural responses, but the farther away she is, the better.
As for her nastiness, well you got in the way of her drinking didn't you? It really is about her, not you. You deserve something better, and you will find it.
If not, she is doing you a big hurtful favour by leaving. You are resisting, thinking it isn't fair, all natural responses, but the farther away she is, the better.
As for her nastiness, well you got in the way of her drinking didn't you? It really is about her, not you. You deserve something better, and you will find it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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"Big hurtful favor". Powerful words.
No kids are in the picture, just a dog. I have to remember that if she and the alcohol remain a package deal, that the separation, regardless of the circumstances, is a good thing. It's just hard sometimes.
I have to try and remember that any mean-speak, even anything I think are lies, even if there is someone new in her life, are symptoms of the overall condition and come with the package. Was hard last time, still hard this time, but since the bubble is bursting I'm sure it's getting harder.
She's looking at more apartments today, fingers crossed that she will find a place to live soon. Detaching gets a lot easier after that.
No kids are in the picture, just a dog. I have to remember that if she and the alcohol remain a package deal, that the separation, regardless of the circumstances, is a good thing. It's just hard sometimes.
I have to try and remember that any mean-speak, even anything I think are lies, even if there is someone new in her life, are symptoms of the overall condition and come with the package. Was hard last time, still hard this time, but since the bubble is bursting I'm sure it's getting harder.
She's looking at more apartments today, fingers crossed that she will find a place to live soon. Detaching gets a lot easier after that.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suspect it's uncomfortable for her to see how she's hurting you. Easier to avoid you in the meantime. Alcoholics often are aware, on some level, of the fact that they are hurting those around them, but are unable to admit it--even to themselves. Hopefully she gets a place to live, and soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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TryGuy......it hurts like hell any time a relationship is broken, if we have invested a part of ourselves into it. It is a deep kind of pain that can feel literally unbearable at the time. The bonds that keep us in relationships are strong...they are powerful.
This is the nature o f how we are constructed (by Mother Nature). Therefore, the pain that comes when the bonds break.
Thankfully....we also have built-in powers for healing and adjusting and there is a life force that propels us forward into life and living. There is still room for the joy of living.....
TryGuy....you will get through this....and you will heal...and you will feel whole, again.
dandylion
This is the nature o f how we are constructed (by Mother Nature). Therefore, the pain that comes when the bonds break.
Thankfully....we also have built-in powers for healing and adjusting and there is a life force that propels us forward into life and living. There is still room for the joy of living.....
TryGuy....you will get through this....and you will heal...and you will feel whole, again.
dandylion
TryGuy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I'm on that same roller coaster right now, TG. And it sucks. I asked my AH to move out back in June, and while he initially agreed, the very next day he acted as though nothing had happened. I stopped waiting for him to "do the right thing," and started looking for a place of my own. My lease is now signed, and I am moving on September 1. My AH knows I am moving on September 1. One day, he is passive aggressive and combative. The next day, he is as pleasant as can be. I'm just trying to stay focused on myself. Big giant ((Hugs)).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
TG, I am going through it too. 2 weeks ago I told ABF I have to leave. My town is IMPOSSIBLE to find a rental in right now with college starting back up, but I am searching every day like crazy.
Please try to detach - it will help you immensely. Keep working on yourself - find YOU again! Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. If you can, don't speculate about her, don't wonder, don't hope - you know all you need to know about her, and the biggest thing you know is that she isn't right for you!!! Hold onto that fact like know other, and keep moving forward making the best choices that are right for your life. You'll get there. E-high-five to you! We're all gonna be just fine.
Please try to detach - it will help you immensely. Keep working on yourself - find YOU again! Look for the light at the end of the tunnel. If you can, don't speculate about her, don't wonder, don't hope - you know all you need to know about her, and the biggest thing you know is that she isn't right for you!!! Hold onto that fact like know other, and keep moving forward making the best choices that are right for your life. You'll get there. E-high-five to you! We're all gonna be just fine.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Better today thanks to all the wonderful support here. Thank you all.
Cohabitation is hard because the nights she is here (like tonight) I see glimmers of what we used to be (she's even stopped drinking at the house)...It's like a flashback to our better days. I know where she is and the co-dependent in me feels comfort (even if it's knowing she's asleep in the upstairs bedroom, it's here). Last night, so hard to sleep when she left to drink and texted she wasn't coming back. Don't want it to be hard, want to be detached and not care, but it's all so fresh. I couldn't turn my darn brain off.
I'm expecting more nights like tonight, and more like last night, in the weeks ahead until we've settled this. Continuing to spend time with myself in the house (even nights like tonight) because it suddenly just feels weird to be together. Even on a calm, alcohol-free night like tonight.
I have to admit, it's now suddenly weird when we both walk around the house and exchange small talk but are sleeping separately...such an odd atmosphere in the house.
Cohabitation is hard because the nights she is here (like tonight) I see glimmers of what we used to be (she's even stopped drinking at the house)...It's like a flashback to our better days. I know where she is and the co-dependent in me feels comfort (even if it's knowing she's asleep in the upstairs bedroom, it's here). Last night, so hard to sleep when she left to drink and texted she wasn't coming back. Don't want it to be hard, want to be detached and not care, but it's all so fresh. I couldn't turn my darn brain off.
I'm expecting more nights like tonight, and more like last night, in the weeks ahead until we've settled this. Continuing to spend time with myself in the house (even nights like tonight) because it suddenly just feels weird to be together. Even on a calm, alcohol-free night like tonight.
I have to admit, it's now suddenly weird when we both walk around the house and exchange small talk but are sleeping separately...such an odd atmosphere in the house.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
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So sorry that you are going through this. I hated those little "glimpses of who they were" that would sometimes sneak in. It made me question every decision I had made in regards to my situation. Those are the moments that keep the hooks in us.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
The worst is when you are lonelier with them than when you are actually alone. I feel the rejection so strongly when my husband is with me and I feel isolated and alone and nothing I do or say is right. And yet, I'm like you and feel comfort knowing he is here. When we are a part, even though I am not being judged and don't feel the sting of his rejection, my anxiety level is through the roof. I hate you are experiencing this. I'm sure you will get through this and once on the other side, you will realize it was a blessing not to be with her anymore.
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Absolutely. I will miss her and I won't lie about that, and there will be moments I think of the past when times were good and miss that. I feel guilty sometimes as I read what some of you other wonderful folks have been through and are going through -- Such terrible things with abuse, families, kids...I feel guilty for even coming her for comfort knowing that it's just the two of us...she's not your textbook alcoholic type...Not a morning drinker. Not a daily drinker (usually). Not an "every time over the top" drinker. Self-doubt in my own actions towards hers brought me here.
The more I hear from you fine folks, and the more I read, the more I realize, as soon as the alcohol becomes an issue, and it's addressed, and summarily dismissed as a non-option, that shows where you stand in the relationship. So I get that now. I can't say any more about her condition other than to say that there's definitely an issue there, and the realization that as long as the bottle is in her life, she can't be someone that fulfills my needs in a relationship (or anyone's for that matter).
Being lonelier with them than being alone. Wow, that's so true and I'm sorry you have to feel that way peace. I know exactly what you mean. I was relieved to come home from work today and not see her car here. The house is still lonely and empty, but it actually gets even colder when she walks in.
Hugs and appreciation to all.
The more I hear from you fine folks, and the more I read, the more I realize, as soon as the alcohol becomes an issue, and it's addressed, and summarily dismissed as a non-option, that shows where you stand in the relationship. So I get that now. I can't say any more about her condition other than to say that there's definitely an issue there, and the realization that as long as the bottle is in her life, she can't be someone that fulfills my needs in a relationship (or anyone's for that matter).
Being lonelier with them than being alone. Wow, that's so true and I'm sorry you have to feel that way peace. I know exactly what you mean. I was relieved to come home from work today and not see her car here. The house is still lonely and empty, but it actually gets even colder when she walks in.
Hugs and appreciation to all.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
TG, you do yourself and your feelings a disservice by comparing them to things others have experienced. Aren't we ALL lucky to not be Syrian refugees right now? Under that logic, only the most objectively miserable person in the world has the right to be upset or frustrated or seek comfort. What you are experiencing is very real and very heartbreaking. What addiction does to people is a tragedy--a tragedy that trickles down to every person who cares about the addict. You have every right to your feelings, and every right to seek comfort and the ESH that this wonderful place provides.
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Well said, Wisconsin, thank you. I guess it's the human condition for all of us. Sometimes, whether you like it or not, there's just gonna be a little pain in life.
This place is fantastic, and both the support and guidance have helped me greatly as I navigate through this difficult time.
This place is fantastic, and both the support and guidance have helped me greatly as I navigate through this difficult time.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Break ups are hard. No way around it.
Gentle reminder that is her legal residence so she can be an a-hole about moving if she has no place to go. In other words she could refuse. While you may think she might be shacked up with someone else trying to find a place to live, she may just be stringing out living there. Its entirely possible.
I hope she decides to leave I really do - I dunno though. Couch surfing doesn't sound that it would be appealing to her. I feel that if she had someone serious she'd already be gone.
If she balks, I mentioned it in the other thread that it might be worth it to give her some cash-ola to be on her way. I'm kinda surprised for as long as you have been together that isn't part of the deal. Of course it makes things very final - wonder if that's why it hasn't occurred.
Sorry for all this its just a sh!t situation to be living with someone you are broken up with. Its miserable. Hoping the situation resolves soon.
Gentle reminder that is her legal residence so she can be an a-hole about moving if she has no place to go. In other words she could refuse. While you may think she might be shacked up with someone else trying to find a place to live, she may just be stringing out living there. Its entirely possible.
I hope she decides to leave I really do - I dunno though. Couch surfing doesn't sound that it would be appealing to her. I feel that if she had someone serious she'd already be gone.
If she balks, I mentioned it in the other thread that it might be worth it to give her some cash-ola to be on her way. I'm kinda surprised for as long as you have been together that isn't part of the deal. Of course it makes things very final - wonder if that's why it hasn't occurred.
Sorry for all this its just a sh!t situation to be living with someone you are broken up with. Its miserable. Hoping the situation resolves soon.
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Indeed, redlanta. Thankfully stubbornness is stronger than the love of alcohol in her. She won't try and stick around. She would much rather leave than even try and say sorry or admit any wrongdoing or reason to stay.
She knows it's time to go, and 4 years ago, when this happened, she found a place to live (and lived there just fine) until we got back together, in pretty quick order.
Without a marriage, or kids, or any joint property to contest, it gets easier. I have no doubt she will find a place and quietly go, perhaps playing the victim role a bit on the way, but she will go.
Updates in another thread, I realized I have too many going right now (should have stuck to one!)
She knows it's time to go, and 4 years ago, when this happened, she found a place to live (and lived there just fine) until we got back together, in pretty quick order.
Without a marriage, or kids, or any joint property to contest, it gets easier. I have no doubt she will find a place and quietly go, perhaps playing the victim role a bit on the way, but she will go.
Updates in another thread, I realized I have too many going right now (should have stuck to one!)
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by TryGuy 
Why is she doing this?
Trying to detach, giving her space. Trying to work on me and not be involved. Meanwhile she's looking for a new place to live.
Yet...second time in 4 nights. Leaves and Says she'll be home early. Has work tomorrow. Late night texts that she won't be back. Staying at a friends house she says.
At this point it doesn't make a difference if she left for another guy like last time. I'm now more sure than ever but just want it out of my life.
Going to ask her to please come home tomorrow, pack a bag, stay wherever she has been staying these 2 nights this week. I'll watch her dog until she gets a new place. Now I really just want her out. No respect. She has space here - moved to an entire floor of the house just for her away from our bedroom. Not enough still. She is doing whatever she wants and hasn't even moved out yet.
This is the same pattern 4 years ago when she drank, cheated, and left. Why am I so dumb? How can she be so evil? And I feel so bad for this poor dog.
Man life is rough sometimes. Kicking myself now for ever wanting to try again now that I see that 4 years can go by and history still repeat itself.
I'm floored. Is this her trying to hurt me on the way out the door? I was doing my best to put on a brave face. But she's killing me. Just need her and her stuff out asap now. Why these tactics?
Trying to detach, giving her space. Trying to work on me and not be involved. Meanwhile she's looking for a new place to live.
Yet...second time in 4 nights. Leaves and Says she'll be home early. Has work tomorrow. Late night texts that she won't be back. Staying at a friends house she says.
At this point it doesn't make a difference if she left for another guy like last time. I'm now more sure than ever but just want it out of my life.
Going to ask her to please come home tomorrow, pack a bag, stay wherever she has been staying these 2 nights this week. I'll watch her dog until she gets a new place. Now I really just want her out. No respect. She has space here - moved to an entire floor of the house just for her away from our bedroom. Not enough still. She is doing whatever she wants and hasn't even moved out yet.
This is the same pattern 4 years ago when she drank, cheated, and left. Why am I so dumb? How can she be so evil? And I feel so bad for this poor dog.
Man life is rough sometimes. Kicking myself now for ever wanting to try again now that I see that 4 years can go by and history still repeat itself.
I'm floored. Is this her trying to hurt me on the way out the door? I was doing my best to put on a brave face. But she's killing me. Just need her and her stuff out asap now. Why these tactics?
All I did was stay quiet, not feed into the baited questions or acts. She will eventually be able to lie only so much to whomever else(s) she is trying to play new nice with. They will put pressure on her to be with them, or they will move on.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hope things are going okay, TryGuy.
I know this is several days old, but I was just reading through it, as my AH and I have JUST split up. He has nowhere else to go right now. I'm going to be staying at my parents' as much as I can, but they are 45 minutes away from us, making it difficult to get to work / day care. So we may be splitting the levels of the house on some nights, if he's sober... I'm really not looking forward to those "glimpses" of how things used to be, as I know it will be difficult to detach and not fall back into old patterns.
Hopefully he will do me a favor and just keep on being a jackass and reminding me WHY we're divorcing and then I won't have to worry about it. HA
I know this is several days old, but I was just reading through it, as my AH and I have JUST split up. He has nowhere else to go right now. I'm going to be staying at my parents' as much as I can, but they are 45 minutes away from us, making it difficult to get to work / day care. So we may be splitting the levels of the house on some nights, if he's sober... I'm really not looking forward to those "glimpses" of how things used to be, as I know it will be difficult to detach and not fall back into old patterns.
Hopefully he will do me a favor and just keep on being a jackass and reminding me WHY we're divorcing and then I won't have to worry about it. HA
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