luvbugnat

Hi, I'm new here and just seeking the wisdom and counsel of those who have been where I am. My ex boyfriend is beginning his AA journey and has been trying for the past year to get help for his addiction to alcohol. We have been broken up for 4 months and a month and a half ago I started dating a really nice, great guy. Naturally, during our break up period my ex got sober for over a month and had a relapse a few weeks ago. He decided to do AA and wants me back. He's a great person and has been talking about being sober pretty much since we started dating over 2 years ago. It's only in the past year that he's slowly been taking steps toward an actual recovery journey.

The new man is wonderful and we have a lot in common. He doesn't drink at all by choice and has all the qualities any "smart" girl could ask for. What he lacks is the excitement my ex gives me, the ability to make me laugh the way my ex does, the ability to give me butterflies. Seriously, this guy is tall, handsome, educated, attentive, economically stable. My ex is all those things as well, except he's an alcoholic and has made me more miserable at times than I ever though humanly possible. I guess what I'm seeking here is to know I'm' not crazy for being so torn and confused. I want to do the right thing and choose the good guy, but my heart is not in it.

I also fear that if I choose neither I'll just end up back with my ex. I want his recovery to be successful and the best way for that to happen is for me not to be in the way. He feels differently, he wants to be a team and feels like I give his life purpose. Other than me he really doesn't have family and friends that support his recovery and I learned from a previous relationship not to force the issue. He's done this all on his own aside from asking me to be with him at his first AA meeting. Other than that, he's done all the work. Sorry this is so darn long. I'm lost!

Soberwolf

Welcome Luvbugnat

Saskia

Welcome, Luvbugnat. It sounds to me like you have a dilemma. If you can't make up your mind then perhaps it's time to step back from both guys and let the dust settle for awhile. You might meet someone else. Your ex-boyfriend will likely need time to develop his sober strength. Addiction is a chronic addiction and requires total abstinence permanently. That's not always easy to accomplish. Think about your needs.

Anna

Hi,

Your ex has only just begun his recovery journey and he had a relapse a few weeks ago. I'm glad to know he's doing this, but he has a long way to go before you could feel somewhat confident about his recovery. You are not part of his 'recovery team' as he puts it, because that is putting too much responsibility on you. His recovery is up to him. You're right about stepping back and allowing him to follow his path. If it's meant to be, then it will be.

luvbugnat

Thank you both. I appreciate it. Yes, this is totally his journey and I have my own to work on. Alanon was really helpful during our relationship and I slacked, but am back on the horse. If it's meant to be it will and I'm gonna keep on trucking. I will be stepping back from both men and focusing on me. No dating for a few months!

Soberwolf

Glad you found us Luvbug mrs sw went alanon before i got sober eventually she moved out and said dont call me il call you i didnt see her for months i got sober on my own it had to be for me

mrs sw doesnt really get involved in my sobriety we run stuff past each other but nothing really recovery related i totally agree with Anna

Youl find so much support & great advice here

bookmaven

Taking time to focus on yourself is a great idea.

I would also recommend Codependents Anonymous, as the only requirement for membership is a "desire for healthy and loving relationships." (Tradition 3)

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Luvbugnat!!