BlackSabbath

Hi all... I left my axbf for the hopefully last time two months ago. We've had minimal contact - only to get my things back from his place.
We have two kids together! The youngest is 4 months old. He doesn't ask about them at all.
Today I made arrangements to get the rest of our stuff back from his house. He's so cold to me. I sent him pics of the kids, he didn't reply. It's so sad! It breaks my heart - when we were together he'd tell me one minute how he thinks about us 24/7 and loves us like crazy...another minute he's mean and calls me a psycho (I don't need to tell you I'm not, do I?) in front of the kids!
My two year old son clings to my friends' husbands when we have play dates & calls men with bald heads "Daddy". I'm afraid I'm wavering - I want to hold my axbf & love him. He knows he's an alcoholic cocaine addict, but won't quit the booze that inevitably triggers the coke habit. I have an appointment with a lawyer in two weeks. Last time I went to a lawyer just after Christmas, he texted me the same day. I caved & we got back together. All of these emotions are bubbling and I can't control them. My head is well aware, but my heart is being difficult an ignoring it. The worst part is, my mom encouraged me to contact him. How do I make this pain go away?! I need advice on how to stay away from my addict, not on how to cope with their awful behaviour!

zoso77

Sadly, you're going to have to ride out the pain. Which frankly sucks. But it's also an inevitable part of being human and being alive. So weather it as best you can and do constructive things that will increase your ability to cope.

As for how to stay away...my favorite analogy is the live wire analogy. Your AXBF is a live wire. You pick him up, you get zapped. So every time you think about contacting him, remember this. Doesn't mean it will be easy, because it won't be. But if you give yourself permission to do something that's not in your best interests, you won't get any better or stronger.

JOIE12

If you wish him to be clean and sober - perhaps it will help to recognize your addiction to the drama and adrenalin that comes with being codependent and sharing life with an addict - it's also your turn to 'get clean' - stay away. Life by example - you can do it. Kick the habit !!

We've been there and there is no easy way. You and your child are better off without him - you can write your own ending

I know how difficult the feelings are - speaking from experience but you already have experience that shows how this will work out again and again and again. Go cold turkey and no contact. Save your evidence in the event that he claims down the road that you kept your child away from him.

Best wishes, strength and hugs
Joie

BlackSabbath

Riding out the pain does suck - I don't understand why he would expect me to endure the abuse any longer, so I don't see why he acts like a jerk to me after I've left. I'm looking after our two babies because he is not well enough to look after us - and I'm met with disdain and rudeness rather than respect.

I can't fathom how a man can disregard his children. I feel like he's doing it to hurt me - but it's only hurting him & his relationship with the kids. Does this sound like something a healthy person would do?

Just curious what I said that indicated codependent behaviour? I'm an independent woman with my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I'm sure that drives him bonkers.

zoso77

He's not healthy.

He's an addict. This is what addicts do. And until he decides to stop, and follows that will a plan of treatment and recovery, this is how it is and how it's going to be.

BlackSabbath

Indeed. I need to drill this into my thick skull. The more I hear it, the more it might sink in. I never thought my heart would ever override my brain, but it is!

Part of me always feels guilty for leaving - like when I hear about those who don't leave their addicts & just live though it, I feel guilty and that I'm lacking in compassion or empathy and that I'm cold-hearted. I think that's all in my head though & I'm struggling to change my thinking. Lack of sleep doesn't help much.

I desperately need support from those who have left & stayed away, but these people seem to be a rare breed.

zoso77

I understand.

But what's important to remember is the following:

a) you're playing by one set of rules and he's playing by another
b) he's incapable of absorbing compassion and empathy

If you were to stay, and you gave him all the compassion and empathy you could muster, you'd be an empty hull before long.

Go get some sleep.

JOIE12

You have this backwards ... you don't need to be more like those of us who put up with too much and lost too much before we decided to save ourselves.

I have sent you a private message.

BlackSabbath

Thanks you two...I appreciate it. This is such a difficult thing to go through - it's not like a regular break up, that's for sure.

Charioteer

Hang in there Sabbath. I'm going through a similar thing right now and it sucks horribly. So tough to stay away from them but it's for the best. Once we're through the tunnel hopefully it's blue skies on the other side!

anxiouswife2

Your head for sure already knows what your heart is trying so hard to deny.
From your post, & as a mom too, I'm sure it has a lot to do with losing the "family" unit you wanted more than anything & the traditional "daddy" role for your babies. That was the hardest for me, as well. I cried along with my daughter a lot when we first left & she demanded to know where her dad was & why he didnt care to call, or wasn't there to tuck her in at night. It was a bad, bad place in my life & there's no way to sugar coat it or make it feel good. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I barely made it through work because nothing really felt important anymore because I was so consumed by the loss of my old life & this great big overwhelming new life my daughter & I were doing alone.

Fast forward a year later. My daughter's about to turn 5. We don't cry at bedtime anymore. Her father is still for all intents & purposes "estranged." He lives 20 minutes away & chooses to not be involved although he promises hes "clean." Which maybe hurts worse because I can no longer pin his absence on using. Don't get me wrong... it is still a very tender wound & i could cry on big occasions that he's missing everything. But our divorce is final. Child support & custody has been established. I've begun to see someone who WANTS to be there for me & my daughter as well. Thingshave turned around tremendously. But the loss was huge. You have to feel it & go through it to get to the other side.

please PM me if you need to chat. I guess I'm a part of the "rare breed" that's left & stayed away. & i am very, very grateful to be a part of that club! I will offer encouragement if ever needed take care of yourself & your kids!

BlackSabbath

Yes! A tunnel! I'm totally hoping there are blue skies and not live wires! It is tough to stay away.

Thanks anxiouswife2 - that's a great story to give me hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

So my mom texted him today asking him to talk to her. He declined & mentioned something about his financial troubles (which he's had since we met but now it's REALLY bad) and he'll decide what's best for his kids - which I guess means that staying away from them is best right now? I don't know. Such a messed up situation. Never once asked why I left or what he can do to get us back. I think deep down, he knows. He's been to rehab once & he's not dumb. He just hasn't hit his bottom yet.

I'm going to get the rest of our things from his house tomorrow. I hope I don't see him & that he leaves everything on the porch as promised. I don't know why he didn't give me everything the first time I went to pick stuff up in June. Uuugh. I doubt I'm going to sleep tonight.

I've got this little person beside me cooing, laughing & biting her own toes...so cute can't help but feel sad for her but at the same time, it's in her best interest.

Jorgenss

BlackSabbath,

Sadly, they do not think about our feelings. They are in their own selfish world. We have all been there, and still continue to ride out the pain.

Please know that you are not alone and you are among some great people.

Sending big hugs your way.

BlackSabbath

Thank you, Jorgenss

I had to see him when I went to pick up our stuff. It was supposed to be a porch pick up but he bounced out the door as soon as I pulled up...and only gave me three things I feel like him holding our stuff is his attempt at control and to leave the lines open for communication (I'm not interested in that!).

Their world is very selfish! All about a quick fix to make them feel better. I can't even imagine having a relationship with a healthy person and how different that is going to be!!!

biminiblue

I left a BF once and he pulled that trick of trying to hold my possessions hostage.

I called the Sheriff who met me at his house and stood by while I loaded my stuff.

Alternatively, you could take a couple friends, preferably some really large guys