Still so angry. Would love any input
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 16
Still so angry. Would love any input
So angry and coming to terms with the realization I may never get an apology. I've posted on here before but it's been 3 months since my XA left one night out of nowhere after 2 years of living together. I invested so much in this person and he lied so much and then took the easy way out and left to have an affair with his addiction. I had to figure that out because initially he told me he was leaving to get clean. I've been in therapy and alanon and my heart is starting to catch up with my head but I'm still just so angry. I'm trying to heal and detach but it's just so hard.
We have had basically no contact. I wrote him a long email expressing all of my feelings and how much he hurt me. He responded with a - "I did it because you deserve better and I knew things were about to get worse before they got better for him and that I shouldn't have to go through yet another relapse with him" Like he deserves a medal or something when he still chose his addiction over us. A week after he had checked back into outpatient rehab and then bounced.
Be clear it's not that I want this person back, but I'm still just so angry that I often dream at night about screaming at him and telling him him everything in person.
I did something I probably should of but it was in a fit of anger. I had cut myself off from his social media totally but broke down and looked and got so pissed that I told him he disgusted me. That's how I feel. I'm disgusted by him. He responded with how hurtful and mean that is and that he thinks the world of me and only wishes me good. It all just made me so much more mad! If he thought the world of me he wouldn't of lied to me for years, made empty promises been an ******* and then just left. If he thought the world of me he would apologize to the person he claims to have been his best friend and the love of his life. I know I'm just venting but it just frustrates me to no end and I really am having a hard time processing the fact I may never get an apology. I know I should have not reached out at all and "no new contact, no new hurt" but I'm curious about what you all have experienced with anything similar and what your process was with anger and coming to terms to not getting an apology.
Thank you for listening... I really appreciate all of you.
We have had basically no contact. I wrote him a long email expressing all of my feelings and how much he hurt me. He responded with a - "I did it because you deserve better and I knew things were about to get worse before they got better for him and that I shouldn't have to go through yet another relapse with him" Like he deserves a medal or something when he still chose his addiction over us. A week after he had checked back into outpatient rehab and then bounced.
Be clear it's not that I want this person back, but I'm still just so angry that I often dream at night about screaming at him and telling him him everything in person.
I did something I probably should of but it was in a fit of anger. I had cut myself off from his social media totally but broke down and looked and got so pissed that I told him he disgusted me. That's how I feel. I'm disgusted by him. He responded with how hurtful and mean that is and that he thinks the world of me and only wishes me good. It all just made me so much more mad! If he thought the world of me he wouldn't of lied to me for years, made empty promises been an ******* and then just left. If he thought the world of me he would apologize to the person he claims to have been his best friend and the love of his life. I know I'm just venting but it just frustrates me to no end and I really am having a hard time processing the fact I may never get an apology. I know I should have not reached out at all and "no new contact, no new hurt" but I'm curious about what you all have experienced with anything similar and what your process was with anger and coming to terms to not getting an apology.
Thank you for listening... I really appreciate all of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm divorced. I never got any type of apology and it's been many years. I did apologize to him, so my side is clean.
The one thing (the only thing) that helps me long-term is to forgive him and pray for him, to wish him well.
It hurts me to hold grudges and to hold onto anger.
In time, you will come to this realization. It's really the only solution and it's the one that gives you lasting peace.
((hug))
The one thing (the only thing) that helps me long-term is to forgive him and pray for him, to wish him well.
It hurts me to hold grudges and to hold onto anger.
In time, you will come to this realization. It's really the only solution and it's the one that gives you lasting peace.
((hug))
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I've felt that rage at EXABF's as well. But one thing that people often say on here, that helps me to put it in perspective, is "he's not using at you." In other words, his addiction really has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. He probably was addicted before he met you, and it sounds like he's still addicted now that your relationship is over. I was determined to get something out of my last relationship with an addict, despite the fact that he left me high and dry. So I set my mind to figuring out how to avoid getting involved in miserable relationships in the future. I've realized that because I grew up with two alcoholic parents, I learned to put up with bad behavior. I have realized that I set myself up for the hurt I experienced with AXBF by ignoring red flags and thinking that by putting up with his BS I somehow deserved a happy ending--like by my suffering, I had earned it. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. There is no justice in addiction.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I understand your anger, but if I were you I'd work on accepting the fact that you may never get your apology. I'd go back to no-contact and stop looking at his FB or other social media.
When I left my second husband, I did what I needed to do in terms of communicating with him during the divorce proceedings, and then I treated it like any other breakup I've had. It was over, I was done, I was moving on with MY good life and leaving him in the hands of his Higher Power. I didn't wish anything bad to come to him, but nothing good would have come from continued communication. I figure I've spared myself tens of thousands of hours of aggravation and emotional upset by doing that. He's still drinking, so far as I know. He used to call me a couple times a year, always drunk, and I always cut it as short as I could--a polite, "Well, take care of yourself, bye" as soon as I could decently say it.
When I left my second husband, I did what I needed to do in terms of communicating with him during the divorce proceedings, and then I treated it like any other breakup I've had. It was over, I was done, I was moving on with MY good life and leaving him in the hands of his Higher Power. I didn't wish anything bad to come to him, but nothing good would have come from continued communication. I figure I've spared myself tens of thousands of hours of aggravation and emotional upset by doing that. He's still drinking, so far as I know. He used to call me a couple times a year, always drunk, and I always cut it as short as I could--a polite, "Well, take care of yourself, bye" as soon as I could decently say it.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
I get it. I really do. But here's the thing: you may never get that sorry. Especially now. Time is all it takes. You can voice your feelings. I believe in that. But they may not be in a place to hear it. Bottom line. Time. Time. Time. I know it sucks
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB- I think we all understand, but you have to comprehend that you are not dealing with a healthy man. I asked that question on the A forum 6 months ago and this is what one person said to me and it makes so much sense that I stopped questioning it....
When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.
Not that this excuses their behavior, but it makes me comprehend it a little better. Hugs my friend!!!!
When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.
Not that this excuses their behavior, but it makes me comprehend it a little better. Hugs my friend!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I completely understand your feelings. I have been there. What helped me was a sponsor that kept putting the focus on ME and what I was doing which was letting a looser live rent-free in my head. Forget an apology, it's not going to happen. I think it was pride that led to me letting go of the past. I didn't like, trust or respect him, so why go on being obsessed about him? Good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
It makes you angry, and that's understandable. If you look at it one way, you probably got a better (and much more truthful) explanation than most get.
""I did it because you deserve better and I knew things were about to get worse before they got better for him and that I shouldn't have to go through yet another relapse with him""
That couldn't be more truthful. Maybe it was just an excuse. Maybe it was him recognizing the truth, and seeing what he put you through in a sober moment. Either way, you do deserve better than that. And really, sobriety is his journey. It may not seem like it, but he's doing you a favor to take you out of that part, because it won't be a good journey for you, and you don't have control over it.
I got "I'm sorry, I really am. Obviously I have a lot of issues to work out. I hope you understand."
You can look at it in another perspective - you know this to be the truth, and it could be better than an apology from someone who isn't even capable of giving an honest apology at this point. I wanted a real apology, but then I got to a point to where I realized that an apology while he's still drinking would be just as meaningless as his countless promises to stop choosing alcohol over everything. I'd rather not hear one at all.
Keep venting; it helps. It won't help to send him anything else, though, because you're just inviting more disappointment and anger - he won't respond the way you wish him to. Block everything on social media - it's a really freeing thing to do. Let it out in a journal. Let it out on here. The more you let it out, the more you let go.
""I did it because you deserve better and I knew things were about to get worse before they got better for him and that I shouldn't have to go through yet another relapse with him""
That couldn't be more truthful. Maybe it was just an excuse. Maybe it was him recognizing the truth, and seeing what he put you through in a sober moment. Either way, you do deserve better than that. And really, sobriety is his journey. It may not seem like it, but he's doing you a favor to take you out of that part, because it won't be a good journey for you, and you don't have control over it.
I got "I'm sorry, I really am. Obviously I have a lot of issues to work out. I hope you understand."
You can look at it in another perspective - you know this to be the truth, and it could be better than an apology from someone who isn't even capable of giving an honest apology at this point. I wanted a real apology, but then I got to a point to where I realized that an apology while he's still drinking would be just as meaningless as his countless promises to stop choosing alcohol over everything. I'd rather not hear one at all.
Keep venting; it helps. It won't help to send him anything else, though, because you're just inviting more disappointment and anger - he won't respond the way you wish him to. Block everything on social media - it's a really freeing thing to do. Let it out in a journal. Let it out on here. The more you let it out, the more you let go.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I think about this daily myself. It's so unfair right? We all want to feel like there is some balance to the world and good will always come after bad...apologies follow hurt. The biggest lesson...well one of the biggest lessons I learned is that life is so not fair. No one deserves abuse or neglect but it happens and often with no explanation. I hate it. I'm still so angry however I have to sit on this anger to move forward.
I would love nothing more than my sadness to be acknowledged but I'll be the only one to do that. It sucks.
I would love nothing more than my sadness to be acknowledged but I'll be the only one to do that. It sucks.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Blondeblonde80,
It's good that you realize that the rage you feel is not healthy and you want advice on how to move on from this destructive emotion.
I suffered abuse as a child of alcoholic and realized early that life was not fair at all and after 40 years in the criminal "justice" system saw that justice is equally elusive.
Holding onto hate and anger is like preparing a poison cocktail for the one who wounded us so deeply and choosing to drink a little bit each day. There are sick addicts that are parasites and liars and use others to feed their addiction and then there the true saying that you can "wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat".
Which came first the chicken or the egg? How can they do the things that they did to us? These are valid questions however for our recovery does it really matter so very much? They were toxic and they were clearly broken men and perhaps a shrink or pastor could spend hundreds or thousands of hours unraveling the why's (abuse? addictive childhood? mental illness? bipolar? asshat?) and even work with them towards change maybe even eventual authentic recovery...
but my friend you are free to MOVE ON! Change the focus to being grateful that you didn't marry the wrong guy and don't have 4 kids in the other room wondering where daddy went. Focus on what red flags you saw early in the relationship that should have sent you running for the exits so your all your senses are on full alert and when you are in the danger zone with a man who is NOT relationship material you avoid that nightmare before you allow your emotions (brain chemicals that aren't so smart) suck into the dark hole of dealing with someone who is not going to meet your needs...ever.
Wash that man right out of your hair! Don't give him the dignity of space in YOUR head. Cast down' the thoughts... even if he said he was sorry he probably wouldn't mean it and who cares what he thinks! He is an idiot by your description.
We have to train our pickers to be very acute at detecting the losers instead of being a magnet for them (speaking for myself only as someone who used to be drawn to the A or addict in the room like a bee to honey)... but not anymore!
Oh no....... lol. I see them soooo clearly now. Its like I have X-ray eyes and within usually a few sentences I see red flags popping up all over them...
My mom was a raging codie and my dad a crazy toxic A so I came by it honest ... you cannot make the XA change. You can make him give an explanation or apologize. It's out of your control but you can choose to forgive him completely so you can stop drinking his poison. I would write him a letter forgiving him for be an A and an asshat or whatever... spill you feelings. Go out in the yard and look up at the stars and thank your HP that the strength to forgive is available and take a match and burn that letter and release the rage and hate.
Go give yourself a big party for being the bigger person and choosing to go and reward yourself with a great life with a person who deserves you! Somebody strong and loving with great character with a resume of living a life of honor and integrity before you met.
Heck... if your picker is really bad hire a Private Investigator and make sure the skeletons are manageable!
You can do this... retrain your brain... control the thoughts and eventually the thoughts come less and less and ... poof ...disappear!
It's good that you realize that the rage you feel is not healthy and you want advice on how to move on from this destructive emotion.
I suffered abuse as a child of alcoholic and realized early that life was not fair at all and after 40 years in the criminal "justice" system saw that justice is equally elusive.
Holding onto hate and anger is like preparing a poison cocktail for the one who wounded us so deeply and choosing to drink a little bit each day. There are sick addicts that are parasites and liars and use others to feed their addiction and then there the true saying that you can "wring the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat".
Which came first the chicken or the egg? How can they do the things that they did to us? These are valid questions however for our recovery does it really matter so very much? They were toxic and they were clearly broken men and perhaps a shrink or pastor could spend hundreds or thousands of hours unraveling the why's (abuse? addictive childhood? mental illness? bipolar? asshat?) and even work with them towards change maybe even eventual authentic recovery...
but my friend you are free to MOVE ON! Change the focus to being grateful that you didn't marry the wrong guy and don't have 4 kids in the other room wondering where daddy went. Focus on what red flags you saw early in the relationship that should have sent you running for the exits so your all your senses are on full alert and when you are in the danger zone with a man who is NOT relationship material you avoid that nightmare before you allow your emotions (brain chemicals that aren't so smart) suck into the dark hole of dealing with someone who is not going to meet your needs...ever.
Wash that man right out of your hair! Don't give him the dignity of space in YOUR head. Cast down' the thoughts... even if he said he was sorry he probably wouldn't mean it and who cares what he thinks! He is an idiot by your description.
We have to train our pickers to be very acute at detecting the losers instead of being a magnet for them (speaking for myself only as someone who used to be drawn to the A or addict in the room like a bee to honey)... but not anymore!
Oh no....... lol. I see them soooo clearly now. Its like I have X-ray eyes and within usually a few sentences I see red flags popping up all over them...
My mom was a raging codie and my dad a crazy toxic A so I came by it honest ... you cannot make the XA change. You can make him give an explanation or apologize. It's out of your control but you can choose to forgive him completely so you can stop drinking his poison. I would write him a letter forgiving him for be an A and an asshat or whatever... spill you feelings. Go out in the yard and look up at the stars and thank your HP that the strength to forgive is available and take a match and burn that letter and release the rage and hate.
Go give yourself a big party for being the bigger person and choosing to go and reward yourself with a great life with a person who deserves you! Somebody strong and loving with great character with a resume of living a life of honor and integrity before you met.
Heck... if your picker is really bad hire a Private Investigator and make sure the skeletons are manageable!
You can do this... retrain your brain... control the thoughts and eventually the thoughts come less and less and ... poof ...disappear!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Blonde80, I don't know if this will help at all, but it's what I do when the anger is getting the best of me.
Step 1: I try to picture him, doing what he does, without me in the scene. Staying out all night, selfishly skipping work, driving drunk, all of it.And then I remind myself : he's not doing it to me; he's just doing it.
This is how they do. He's an alcoholic- see him in his habitat as if it's an aquarium or something. This is who he is. He's selfish. He's unreliable. He's a user. A menace to your peace.
Step 2: I forgive myself for getting sucked into his BS and believing him. He fooled plenty of other people, too so I'm not the only one.
Step 3: Re- direct my thoughts to the now. Spend some time with the kids. Do some gardening. Clean. Because if I waste this moment on him, then I've ruined today, too.
This is just how I've been working on the anger. It's helping me so thought I'd share.
Step 1: I try to picture him, doing what he does, without me in the scene. Staying out all night, selfishly skipping work, driving drunk, all of it.And then I remind myself : he's not doing it to me; he's just doing it.
This is how they do. He's an alcoholic- see him in his habitat as if it's an aquarium or something. This is who he is. He's selfish. He's unreliable. He's a user. A menace to your peace.
Step 2: I forgive myself for getting sucked into his BS and believing him. He fooled plenty of other people, too so I'm not the only one.
Step 3: Re- direct my thoughts to the now. Spend some time with the kids. Do some gardening. Clean. Because if I waste this moment on him, then I've ruined today, too.
This is just how I've been working on the anger. It's helping me so thought I'd share.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 9
It took me time to get to the point of not absolutely hating my ex, but I literally had to pray the hate away. Now he's contacted me through social media recently nearly 4 years later and I have accepted that he will never apologize for the things he did to me and I have actually responded. He stops because I don't reciprocate interest, but I'm not full of anger and fury like I was many years ago.
You will get past the anger, believe me. Focus on you and like many have stated, realize that the addiction is in control. His addiction will rationalize everything!
You will get past the anger, believe me. Focus on you and like many have stated, realize that the addiction is in control. His addiction will rationalize everything!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
My take was always that an apology was an admission of guilt in their eyes. I haven't gotten apologies over the years for the wrongs done to me either, because I think it would have just made her feel even more guilty about what (we like to think anyway) is already known as a wrong done to you. If they even ever came that far with it.
I can relate to the anger of not hearing remorse as well (even though it doesn't change your situation), believe me, so sending good thoughts your way.
I can relate to the anger of not hearing remorse as well (even though it doesn't change your situation), believe me, so sending good thoughts your way.
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