Usfdv

Hi all, I'm new here. Not new to this world or trying to stay focused on myself..... That's a daily walk. Maybe tonight I'm off track because I'm feeling resentful. This in turn gets me mad at myself. Mad for staying, maybe even mad that I'm not better at detaching fully.....all I know is, sometimes, staying makes me feel like a failure, I don't know I'm capable of true happiness in myself when married to an alcoholic. Just having it around me.... Ugh.

Why doesn't he ever get arrested for his drunken public behavior? I don't understand how in the world he can behave how he does and stay out of trouble in public. I'm resentful tonight over this. As if I almost wish trouble upon him just so he could have to deal with some type of consequence for once. Immature of me I'm sure . I just don't get how he stays out of trouble. Maybe he's only a chaotic drunk at home.

Liveitwell

Hun-it's only time before he WILL face consequences for his addiction. The long line of "yets" will begin for him. You can get off the crazy train any time...we are here to support you, whatever you choose to do. You deserve peace and happiness and life with an alcoholic doesn't give you either. Peace to you tonight!!
Keep posting!

amy55

Usfvd , Welcome to SR, sorry that you needed to find us. It sounds like you want to rant and rage, that's OK. We are family here, and we can listen to it. Never feel like you are alone again.

I always wondered how my ex got home without being arrested.

Just keep talking, we are listening.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Usfdv

Thanks. It's been years that he escapes trouble. Seems there's always someone to help him out. This enrages me at times. Always someone to cover for him, lie for him, go to bat for him..... Gross. At me and the kids expense . At times, I feel such dislike for him I'm shocked myself. Yet then, what's there to like? Or appreciate? He's one big fat blaming lie of man.

amy55

Let it all out...... I remember one time my ex went to Atlantic City. He was drunk coming back. I pleaded with him to stop and go to a motel. He didn't.

It was a 2 1/2 hour drive. He came home. Opened the door and if you saw the "Shining", he said, "Here's Johnny"......

Just know that this is a safe place for your. We do understand.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

amy55

I really just want you to feel comfortable here. We have been where you are. Thank you for finding SR.

amy

Usfdv

I don't beg him to not drive or to stay home or to at least call or any of those things anymore . I just don't care to. It won't happen anyway. I don't worry or spend my nights laying awake hoping he's ok or alive. Actually, I like benders in one way..... He's gone. The disappointing part is when he comes home. Because then he's here.... Thinking he's so fun and that everyone should appreciate the party he is. The slurring, drunken foul mouthed selfish know it all that nobody here appreciates as much as he does is home. He doesn't find it rude to wake me up at 3 am ...... So many gross things. I don't worry about his absence or his return. I wouldn't worry if he didn't return to be honest. I wouldn't look for him or assume the worst yet I wouldn't mind if the worst happened. I don't know what that means as far as where I am. I think I just wish he'd disappear.

amy55

Ok, know that I am here for you. I felt like this many times. i would like to address you by some name, but I can't with the letters that you gave me. Can I just call you Misty?, is that OK?

I can feel your anger, I had that also. I need to ask do you have another place to go to? Do you have children?

Just know that your rant here, is normal. It's the way most of us came here.

Just keep talking to us. We are here for you.

I am seeing you as this terrific, beautiful person. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Usfdv

I'm not even hurting. At least not for the same reasons I used to. I don't know what that represents either. Yes we have children, we have two children and that is the only reason I've not left him . Not because I think they need him the way he is. Not because I think I need him either. He earns a great deal of money and owns a thriving business. Whenever I've tried to leave in the past, he does whatever it takes to ensure he bullies me legally. He begins motions to get shared 50 50 time with the kids. Because our state grants that unless there is evidence of a reason he should not have it... Ugh, it's intimidating. Our youngest child has a fatal illness and requires my full time attention. The idea of our youngest being in his care 50 percent of the time freezes me in my tracks. I try most of the time to just live my life and not pay him any attention. But I still am faced with his behavior regularly and sometimes, it's just more than I want to have in my space. I am only human.

minime13

In my state, establishments that serve alcohol don't call cops for belligerent drunks. It affects their liquor license negatively if they get over a certain # of police calls/complaints within a certain time span, as well as puts them on the list for random ABC checks.

So, that's why if his drunken behavior is at a bar/pub or other entertainment establishment.

I know this because I was curious about the same thing - every time my ex and I would separate, he'd go on a bender and end up getting kicked out of bars for being too drunk and/or acting erratic. He once tried to kick a door down at a place that kicked him out and locked the door behind him. So, I asked a bartender about that, and got the above answer.

Every time, though, I wished for an arrest.

Now, as far as friends or acquaintances helping him out - they will eventually tire of that. As you (and all of us) know, it gets old, fast. He'll start to be a liability instead of a fun person at some point. The more they help him, the more he'll feel entitled to act in such a way.

I agree - it's a "yet" issue.

amy55

I understand. It also sounds like he has a personality disorder. I'm sorry if I am wrong about that.

Don't know what state u live in or if you even live in the US. Sounds like you have had enough of the rages, and the drunk. Do your know if you can record him. ?

I'm in he US. I think it would be very helpful to you to call the DV line.

800-799-SAFE.

They might be able to help you.

I called them, I also stayed there once. Is this something you might think about?

amy

FindingMe2

I eventually started to stash money away in a safety deposit box at the advice of friends, family and even my therapist. It was something I wished I had done so much earlier. When the "YETS" came it really helped me make my move a little easier.

cwind

Ive been married 30 years... his mission and full time job... prove me crazy. His new psychiatrist talked him into buying a home breathalyzer... insulting. Same thing for me here... he gets away with a lot.

ladyscribbler

Something that has helped me in my custody fight with my alcoholic ex is keeping a journal. I've been able to produce a chronological record of drunken incidents to demonstrate his substance abuse, even when there was no police involvement. It's also a nice place to vent and keep things straight in my own head.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this and a sick child as well.

happybeingme

I think if I were in your place I would document the needs of your child and get a letter from the doctor stating it is not in his best interest to be shuttled back and forth between two homes. I can't imagine a judge thinking it's ok for a terminally ill child to be packed up with all of his medical gear and bounced back and forth between two homes.

Unfortunately, whether your husband has the luck of the devil or whatever it doesn't change the fact that you and the kids are in a terribly unhealthy environment and the long term emotional toll will be profound. Make no mistake the situation will worsen and eventually the business will be gone and you will have to face financial ruin . I would focus on getting you and the kids out of that situation even if it means going on welfare to do it.

Usfdv

I've no issue going on anything to leave or being without. Its the kids. Him having them on his own without me, even if he weren't given 50/50, for a weekend, stops me in my tracks. I've left before and we've been before a judge. That man does whatever it takes to bully me through them. And the judge we had, his attitude was "if I can do it, he can do it " in regards to our medically fragile child which btw was on my lap in the court room. My attorney got the ok for him to be with me. He's cognitively impaired and the size of a 6 month old at the age of 7. In any event, one look at him and anyone could tell he's fragile. Court is a terrible place, that's what I learned and my husband is educated and put together for all the right people.

I have his behavior journaled.... For years. His family knows.....a few of his friends yet, people will turn their head the other way and even lie for him when it comes down to it. They feel sorry for him and buy into his act the second my husband pretends to have a feeling. Someone mentioned personality disorder and yes, absolutely.

Really, I wish he'd get in trouble, just once. He's done things, lots of things that would land most of us in legal trouble yet he somehow escapes it. Once he got into a terrible car wreck, broke his back and couldn't walk so was stuck overnight until someone found him. By that time, he was still very intoxicated and even the police knew it. But they didn't bother fixing him a breathalyzer . He was the only one involved in the accident and what's the point I'm sure they figured. I just wish once he'd offend the right person in the right establishment and his behavior not be tucked away. Oh he's just...... A mess.

Hopeworks

While you think you are in a situation that you cannot win you actually can turn this situation to your advantage and insure that you can protect yourself and your child legally by obtaining overwhelming proof that he should not get the children unsupervised.

Are you stashing money and have you made an exit plan? There are lots of threads and information on the internet on how to be ready to be prepared to leave when necessary.

If your husband is regularly behaving irresponsibly and dangerously you can have it documented by professionals. Trust me... it is easily done without him ever knowing he is starring in his own reality show. How do I know? I am a private investigator and the tools we have to gather evidence in legal cases include all kinds of devices that can video your husband undetected while you are home doing the dishes.

Once you have your undeniable and shocking proof in the can and file the next time and your video's become a part of the record he will settle and he will behave a lot differently. After all.... who wants an exwife that has a PI on speed dial when you are an alcoholic that does lots of things that can get you arrested or humiliated in your community or even online?

This is a powerful weapon but also a path that can escalate your relationship into the War of the Roses and make sure that you have an attorney advising you and running the show and I also recommend counseling... remember we have to live with what we write to others and what we produce in film forever.

Divorce with kids unlike marriage is forever! This man will be at graduations, weddings and funerals when your kids are reaching adulthood and if at all possible you want to de-escalate tensions and not start World War III if you can. However... if it is the only way pick up the phone and you can have what you need to protect you and your children from lies, manipulations and a court system that is often blind to the dangers that are sometimes involved with A parents.

LemonGirl

I just wanna say that I can relate!
My youngest said my ex (her dad; not my xabf) did something to her. She even told her doctor the same thing she told me. But when it came to court, he manipulated things like emails and texts, taking words out, putting words in, changing the dates, and omitting parts of the conversations to make it look like I was just a jealous ex acting out and trying to keep him from his kids. Then he took a lie detector test (not ordered by the court), and answered ONE question and submitted it as "evidence" of his innocence. AND HE WON what he wanted, which was 50/50. I was blown away! First the break up had me lose my house, most of my furniture, my credit went bad, and I almost lost my car, and now this???

Where was God? I felt sooooo lost! I didn't know what to do or say or how to navigate the legal system against what he was doing.

So instead of pleading with the judge (because the judge was irritated with me and looked at me like I really was just trying to keep him from his kids)... instead of doing the whole "he said she said" thing and proving myself, all I asked for was time. I asked the judge to allow my child to grow up a bit before having longer and longer visits. (which he did agree to). And I did insist that my ex will eventually prove to exactly what I said he was.... which is a drug addict and emotionally and mentally abusive man with anger issues and often puts his children in dangerous situations.

Nothing has happened yet. But I now have a myriad of documented conversations to show the judge and both myself and his other child's mother have both had to call the cops on him while our children were in his care. And of course, next time I go to court, those documents will come with me as well.

All I can do until then is arm my children and pray. It's heartbreaking!!!

So sorry you find yourself in this situation. I pray something DOES happen that you can get documented! Don't be afraid. It probably won't be perfect, but it may eventually be the right way. I will say this: I am soooo much happier being out of that toxic relationship! I have come a very long way in picking myself up again... still working on the credit part! And yes, I still have issues with him constantly with parenting our daughter. But I have learned to detach, and I am working on remembering that I am a whole person and that he cannot tear me down anymore, no matter how vile he gets. I know my worth. I know my strength. I know the truth will eventually win out. I know that he will eventually slip up!

maia1234

U- I am sorry you feel so under his control. I once said the same thing on SR. Someone responded to me, with this and I keep it and reread, as my AXH has had no consequences either, and It sucks.
"Be patient!! The one thing I know about jerks like your husband, they will screw up!! Be patient. It might not happen as fast as you would like it to, but I can guarantee you, he will screw up!!!!!!!"

So do what everyone is talking about, hiding money. God has a plan for you, you just don't know what it is. You get stronger every day to execute the plan. Be patient, don't force a solution and it will all work. Hugs my friend. You and your kids will be away from him soon enough and you will all be ok!!!

Usfdv

Lots of great input and guidance. Thank you to everyone.

Hope works, I never thought of that, who knew? Obviously my mind doesn't think That way but I'm not sure why. So true, if he were faced with that he would back down! I've no doubt about that. I don't exactly want any kid of ongoing war, so to speak but I've no control over what he does or how he behaves from that day forward. I've nothing to hide like he does. So that type behavior, if it were that way, wouldn't be on my part. I just want an end to the bullying and facade he hides himself as. Thanks for such a great idea!