JerryFish

... that I'm posting this in a separate thread in addition to the other one. It is what is going on in my head regarding the addiction. And these things are obsessively going through my mind all the time when I think about drinking. So sorry for the re-post, but it is vitally important to me.

I really feel bad about drinking. And there are a couple of believes that I have that I would like some honest replies to. I know the first one is nonsense, some are more nuanced:

* Drinking is ok, it's not really a problem.

* I can't handle heavy drinking but other people can handle the same amounts I drink better. They're fine in the morning (I've seen this). The fact that I have very long hangovers is abnormal.

* I am an exception because I have 2-3 day hangovers where other people are ok the next day.

* I should be able to handle it better. It's not the alcohol, it's a weakness in me that makes me whine and moan, where other people move on.

* The big one, and I don't know where it came from, heavy drinking shouldn't be a problem and given that compared to other people I crash into a terrible place of being incapacitated and anxiety means that there's something wrong with me. No one has this problem, I am the only one who lives on no food and hardly any water for 2-3 days after drinking. Living in bed. That is just me. And if it happens to others, they have the same abnormal reaction to it as I do.

I'm really struggling with this. I respond to alcohol so heavily that I'm afraid to get out of bed for days. It's either staying in bed and have panic attacks or get out of bed and have panic attacks so bad my eye-sight starts to flicker (is that normal?) and I feel I might die.

Please help me with this for as long as I can post here.

It will probably be a weird, drunken post, but it's the core of my addiction. Please help.

RogerD

Hi,

If you have this bad of a reaction to alcohol, the next question becomes, why drink in the first place? If I had hangovers for three days, I'd probably never have become an alcoholic. The fact that I could get up in the morning, sweat some of it out, go to work, feel pretty fine by noon, and by three o'clock I'm like I feel like a few beers allowed me to fool myself into thinking I was ok. Perhaps your underlying issue is anxiety which you try to mask with alcohol. Just a thought

JerryFish

Thanks. The problem is, it makes me feel abnormal. I should be able to handle drinking and be relatively ok in the morning. I feel like it is abnormal how I respond to it. This is one of the cores of my addiction, I should be able to handle drinking like a normal person and something else is wrong with me that makes it so I can't.

Even more insidious, there is a feeling in me that heavy drinking is normal. And that my mind and body should be able to handle it much better than they do.

I should be able to drink heavily and be fine. That is the norm. I know it isn't but my AV tells me it is. And my extreme hangovers are caused by something else than alcohol.

Again, these are the things that keep the alcoholism up. It gets even worse. It tells me to keep drinking more and more until I am up to speed with the "normal" person. To practice and to get my system used to it. It has become a good thing. Something that makes my body stronger.

It is insane but in my alcoholic obsession, I actually get upset that I haven't reached that goal yet...

Tracy999

Sounds like you logically know it is all smoke your AV is blowing up your skirt so that's good.

What are you going to do to shut the AV up?

JerryFish

That is the stupid part. I could be looking at something blue and the AV could make me doubt it is blue. It is that ingrained.

I cannot shut it up. It haunts me day and night. When I'm in bed, it tells me that I should be able to handle what I drank. That I should practice. That I should drink more and more until I am normal in my response to alcohol. And it tells me it's good for me to do so.

JerryFish

This is insane. Something is telling me to drink and drink until it damages me. And then when I've healed, do it again and again. To become as strong as possible. And if I'm as strong as possible, do all I can do damage that to get really, really sick and grow even strong in the healing process.

Ok, that is the core. It is also the point of no return. I can't say that and come back being looked at as a normal person ever again.

saoutchik

Hi Jerry,

I realise you have underlying issues (I have read your other posts). I don't think you are much different than the rest of us alcoholics Jerry. I too got incapacitated (passed out) and would have 3 day hangovers (except that I rarely stayed sober that long). What you are is "normal" for an SR forum member but we in SR are the minority as most people out there are not addicted to booze or whatever

Our AV hates the truth and will do anything to pervert it

Dee74

When I was a drinker I could always find people worse than me to say I'm not that bad.

When I sobered up I could always find people to say 'hmmm maybe I'm not that bad'

Alcoholism is not a comparative sport.

I know people who drank less than me who are dead and I know people who drank more than me, and still do, who never seem to have the toxic relationship I had with booze.

I'm eternally grateful I accepted the fact that drinking and I were toxic. My life is immeasurably better in every way,

My drinking nearly killed me Jerry - what has your drinking done for you?


D

JerryFish

Thanks but read my post before yours. It's the reason I created my goodbye thread.

alphaomega

My hangovers, at the end, lasted close to 4 days. I became agoraphobic and couldn't leave the house for almost two years. I had such excruciatingly horrifying anxiety attacks, I would run out of grocery stores, restaurants and just about anything with a queue.

But I kept drinking trying to convince myself something must be wrong with me because I didn't drink like or feel like anyone else after drinking.

There was something wrong with me alright.

I was an alcoholic in full denial.

Dee74

IMO, you have a choice in this.
You can say no to that crazy inner addict voice.

You can build up your support and your recovery programme to shut out these insane self destructive thoughts.

If you need outside help, whether it be AA or some recovery group, or a Dr or a counsellor, or some kind of rehab - go for it.

You're fighting for your life here, Jerry.
Don't fight one-handed.

D

JerryFish

I know Dee. It hasn't nearly killed me. But the thinking that is inside me, well, you can understand why I posted my goodbye post. It is just too insane. I am insane. I need to drink and drink and drink to grow stronger. Like a martial artists kicking his shins against wood to the point that he doesn't feel anything anymore.

I'm just too nuts.

JerryFish

But isn't this too insane? Really? I think it is. I am nuts. I doubt you have ever heard something like the things I posted on here. I highly doubt I will tell my therapist about this. I don't want to be locked up.

Tracy999

The AV's specialty is making us think we are unique and crazy, that no one else could possibly understand.

However, you are lucky to have SR people here telling you that is not true, that you can make it stop.

sugarbear1

You aren't growing stronger when you drink, that is a delusion and it's part of active alcoholism......

Alcohol treats alcoholism. You need a new treatment for alcoholism. There is a way out, if you want, otherwise, you are just hurting yourself and damaging your brain.....

Are you ready and willing to stay stopped?

ScottFromWI

Do some reading here Jerry. Nothing you have said or done hasn't been said before. Not telling your therapist about the core issues you face is a bad choice too.

Rio97

I've seen nothing outrageously crazy said here. Jerry, you're an alcoholic and you want to drink. Nothing unusual about that at all. I think you just need to accept its not solving anything.

Anna

Jerry, you can make a choice to stop drinking if it's what you want to do.

Please take care of yourself.

Verte

Hi JerryFish,

Consider for a moment how people in general love to fix things that are 'broken' and the variety of ways, large and small, this manifests. There are engineers that dismantle and construct. Hackers that try every trick in their book to infiltrate that which is considered impenetrable. Then rebuild.

You are not nuts. Being imperfect allows for the potential of perfection. The trick is in how we learn to define and feel perfect. Many, many people here who have worked through day 1, 2, 3... have concluded that sobriety is not a ultimate destination. Not an absolute, but a journey and a process which begins with putting down the bottle.

We can still be a perpetual project for ourselves without alcohol. Without pushing ourselves and others to the brink.

You can do this, JerryFish.

Saskia

Jerry, first, I'd suggest focusing on your drinking - comparisons to others doesn't work well. We can't really see into others' lives. Secondly, we are all unique in some ways and alike in others: biologically, biochemically and personality characteristics.

Secondly, I'd recommend focusing on *your* life and issues. It's really easy to get lost in messed up thinking. A f2f counselor can help you sort through issues including anxiety.

Best to you!