Advice needed badly
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Advice needed badly
As a few of you know last night was rough for me. I made it through without a drink, but I can feel my resolve getting weaker due to the friction in my relationship.
To sum this up quickly, my bf has a horrible attitude sometimes. yesterday, he was angry and moody because he slept most of the day away and he took that anger out by sniping and snarking at me over silly things like the fact that I couldn't find the tv remote and it was right in front of me. He eventually apologized and we went to bed. At 4 am he woke me up angry because I had touched him with my elbow while asleep and it woke him up. He stormed off to the guest room and I told him to get his anger under control. He yelled and slammed things around and I ignored it. Naturally, I could not get back to sleep which was terrible because now I'm still tired and I have to work. Normally, I would just drink when he does this so I can still sleep, Now, I don't have that coping mechanism and I'm really wondering if I can be with him without it. His moods are so extreme and I'm pretty sure drinking was the only thing that allowed me to ignore them.
I'm sorry this got super long. I just don't know what to do. if he wants to preserve sleep and go elsewhere that's fine, but the anger and waking me up to argue is just so unnecessary. grrr im so angry and tired. It's going to be another rough day. I'm going to try to just ignore him while at work, but I know eventually I'll have to see him. Help please.
To sum this up quickly, my bf has a horrible attitude sometimes. yesterday, he was angry and moody because he slept most of the day away and he took that anger out by sniping and snarking at me over silly things like the fact that I couldn't find the tv remote and it was right in front of me. He eventually apologized and we went to bed. At 4 am he woke me up angry because I had touched him with my elbow while asleep and it woke him up. He stormed off to the guest room and I told him to get his anger under control. He yelled and slammed things around and I ignored it. Naturally, I could not get back to sleep which was terrible because now I'm still tired and I have to work. Normally, I would just drink when he does this so I can still sleep, Now, I don't have that coping mechanism and I'm really wondering if I can be with him without it. His moods are so extreme and I'm pretty sure drinking was the only thing that allowed me to ignore them.
I'm sorry this got super long. I just don't know what to do. if he wants to preserve sleep and go elsewhere that's fine, but the anger and waking me up to argue is just so unnecessary. grrr im so angry and tired. It's going to be another rough day. I'm going to try to just ignore him while at work, but I know eventually I'll have to see him. Help please.
Last edited by TheMerryRecluse; 08-07-2015 at 02:59 AM. Reason: Added something
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If this has been going on for some time and you drank to escape it, it is an accepted behavior for him. Now all of a sudden you don't use drinking to 'escape' this situation. He didn't change, you did. First of all, I can't tell you to get away from this person - I would.
Perhaps he needs anger management or some kind of therapy. Does he use drugs or alcohol? If he does, there may be resentments that you are attempting to quit.
You have three options I guess. Learn how to deal with it. Ask him to get help and hope he does. Or get out while you still have your sanity.
The asking him to get help part means seeking guidance from a "relationship" counselor. If he thinks it's a foolhardy venture and continues his anger and aggression toward you, I'd really consider getting out before it progresses into physical. I have no way of knowing based your short description, but I would be concerned. Good luck.
Perhaps he needs anger management or some kind of therapy. Does he use drugs or alcohol? If he does, there may be resentments that you are attempting to quit.
You have three options I guess. Learn how to deal with it. Ask him to get help and hope he does. Or get out while you still have your sanity.
The asking him to get help part means seeking guidance from a "relationship" counselor. If he thinks it's a foolhardy venture and continues his anger and aggression toward you, I'd really consider getting out before it progresses into physical. I have no way of knowing based your short description, but I would be concerned. Good luck.
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Hi Merry, it seems a lot of posters on this site see their partners and relationships differently without the filter of alcohol. You've lost your normal method of coping with his anger, but that's just a body reflex. I'm stressed, how do I deal with it?, I drink.
You could find other ways to relax (deep breathing is great), or deal with your BF's irrational anger. Why does he feel free to take out his frustrations on you and endanger your sobriety?
I don't know your back story, so I'm not sure whether he's always been like this, or it's come on lately, but he's overstepping all sorts of boundaries. He must learn to deal with frustration, whether through changing his life or counselling.
You could find other ways to relax (deep breathing is great), or deal with your BF's irrational anger. Why does he feel free to take out his frustrations on you and endanger your sobriety?
I don't know your back story, so I'm not sure whether he's always been like this, or it's come on lately, but he's overstepping all sorts of boundaries. He must learn to deal with frustration, whether through changing his life or counselling.
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I'm in a similar situation, my husband is argumentative, gets really heated about the tiniest things and I have thought often about us seperating. I know don't know whether our relationship is bad because I drink or whether I drink because the relationship is bad. I'm giving up shortly so I'll find out...
Good luck, he sounds like hard work, you don't deserve the grief.
Good luck, he sounds like hard work, you don't deserve the grief.
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i dont think clearly when i'm tired. That being said if you dont think clearly when your tired you may not want to make a big decision about the relationship while tired.
I'd maul it over think it over ponder the situation. We cant just run from every little thing we cant cope with. ( I should take my own advice i'd love to live in a cave alone so i dont have to cope with nothing but thats not reality). At the same time we shouldnt sit around in misery if there is something we can do to help a situation improve.
I've had to drop friendships simply because I cannot cope with the nonsense that went along with them. I felt crappy about it but I feel better about it now.
the way i see it. I can only cope with so much nonsense in any given day. I have to pick and choose what gets to stay and what has to go. Otherwise i'll be sent over the edge and who knows what I'll do to try and cope. If i try and manage things then I can keep myself from getting pushed to far into the corner.
I'd maul it over think it over ponder the situation. We cant just run from every little thing we cant cope with. ( I should take my own advice i'd love to live in a cave alone so i dont have to cope with nothing but thats not reality). At the same time we shouldnt sit around in misery if there is something we can do to help a situation improve.
I've had to drop friendships simply because I cannot cope with the nonsense that went along with them. I felt crappy about it but I feel better about it now.
the way i see it. I can only cope with so much nonsense in any given day. I have to pick and choose what gets to stay and what has to go. Otherwise i'll be sent over the edge and who knows what I'll do to try and cope. If i try and manage things then I can keep myself from getting pushed to far into the corner.
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Hi Merry Recluse. You say 'sometimes', so presumably he has another side to him which is usually more prevalent. How often is 'sometimes'? Is there some thing that triggers his mood? Do you know why he's struggling to behave rationally at the moment. (Usually if I'm behaving that way - and I can - it's fear or anxiety related - but we're all different).
One of the things alcoholics are great at, is internalising other people's actions. So, we take things personally and this results in situations escalating. In early recovery when we are feeling particularly emotionally 'raw' and are yet to develop any other emotional strategies to deal with these situations the problems can be even more difficult to deal with. This can so, so easily result in resentments forming. And even a justified resentment is poisonous to us. That's why you hear people saying 'let it go' - not because we're deciding to be a walk-over, but because we're making a conscious decision to NOT take it personally, so that we can maintain our serenity and sobriety.
I heard someone talking about a TV (comedy) show they'd watched on an AA speaker tape once. In it a grumpy elderly mother first goes to stay with her son for a week. She criticises everything about the house; complains about everything he does; and generally drives him mad. Everything she says hurts or angers him. By the end of the week his head is ready to explode. The next week she goes to stay with her daughter and behaves exactly the same way. Complaining, criticising and being a complete nightmare. But the daughter doesn't react like the son did. She just knows that's the way her mum is. She doesn't think for a minute that there really is anything wrong with her curtains, or the cleanliness of her kitchen, or the food she served, or the kids bedtimes. So, she can laugh and say "Oh Mom" and walk away unaffected.
I am a right one for taking things personally, so hearing this kind of clicked a switch for me. I now try really hard to "Oh mom" things and people (including my own AV at times). Not always successfully, I admit, but it does help a lot when I manage it.
Hope he's a bit better to be with tonight. I know what it's like living with a grumpy old git - I've got one AND am one as well at times.
One of the things alcoholics are great at, is internalising other people's actions. So, we take things personally and this results in situations escalating. In early recovery when we are feeling particularly emotionally 'raw' and are yet to develop any other emotional strategies to deal with these situations the problems can be even more difficult to deal with. This can so, so easily result in resentments forming. And even a justified resentment is poisonous to us. That's why you hear people saying 'let it go' - not because we're deciding to be a walk-over, but because we're making a conscious decision to NOT take it personally, so that we can maintain our serenity and sobriety.
I heard someone talking about a TV (comedy) show they'd watched on an AA speaker tape once. In it a grumpy elderly mother first goes to stay with her son for a week. She criticises everything about the house; complains about everything he does; and generally drives him mad. Everything she says hurts or angers him. By the end of the week his head is ready to explode. The next week she goes to stay with her daughter and behaves exactly the same way. Complaining, criticising and being a complete nightmare. But the daughter doesn't react like the son did. She just knows that's the way her mum is. She doesn't think for a minute that there really is anything wrong with her curtains, or the cleanliness of her kitchen, or the food she served, or the kids bedtimes. So, she can laugh and say "Oh Mom" and walk away unaffected.
I am a right one for taking things personally, so hearing this kind of clicked a switch for me. I now try really hard to "Oh mom" things and people (including my own AV at times). Not always successfully, I admit, but it does help a lot when I manage it.
Hope he's a bit better to be with tonight. I know what it's like living with a grumpy old git - I've got one AND am one as well at times.
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Welcome Merry. As others have mentioned it's always a difficult transition when alcohol is not present anymore and we have to face our lives up front.
A lot of good advice from others here in regards to the relationship as well. There is something to be said for resentment that our spouses/SO's hold against us for our past drinking/drugging behaviours, but there's also verbal abuse which crosses a line. It's going to be up to you do decide which category his actions fall into, because abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated by anyone. If it is just past resentments and poor communications between the two of you, marriage counseling may be an option you could explore.
A lot of good advice from others here in regards to the relationship as well. There is something to be said for resentment that our spouses/SO's hold against us for our past drinking/drugging behaviours, but there's also verbal abuse which crosses a line. It's going to be up to you do decide which category his actions fall into, because abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated by anyone. If it is just past resentments and poor communications between the two of you, marriage counseling may be an option you could explore.
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I can wish you only good thoughts. I cannot relate to the experiences you are going through. I made the decision when I started my recovery that I am not going to get romantically involved until I feel that I have made a personal improvement. I'm happy to say that my therapist agrees with my decision.
Best of luck to you and keep us updated.
Best of luck to you and keep us updated.
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Wow, thank you everyone so much for your words of advice and support.
When I say sometimes, to clarify, it's every couple of weeks. I think a few of you raise a good point: I am probably emotionally raw and he is, by nature, a persnickety person like the mom in the story. He has a great heart and he's kind and generous, but his crabbiness gets under my skin and I DO take it personally even though I know it's not my fault. Normally, I just shut down and hide with the bottle, but I'm at a loss because I can't do that anymore. I think if I just blew it off he would realize his blustering was silly and things would resolve themselves, but I'm on thin emotional ice right now. So, maybe I just need to build up my skin?
When I say sometimes, to clarify, it's every couple of weeks. I think a few of you raise a good point: I am probably emotionally raw and he is, by nature, a persnickety person like the mom in the story. He has a great heart and he's kind and generous, but his crabbiness gets under my skin and I DO take it personally even though I know it's not my fault. Normally, I just shut down and hide with the bottle, but I'm at a loss because I can't do that anymore. I think if I just blew it off he would realize his blustering was silly and things would resolve themselves, but I'm on thin emotional ice right now. So, maybe I just need to build up my skin?
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my phone hates me and posted to early...
foreverfuzzy: my heart goes out to you! If you need an "ear" I'm willing to lend one. I feel like we're in similar situations to a certain extent.
Scott: I don't feel like I'm in danger or that he has crossed into emotional abuse. I'm also lucky in the sense that he never realized the extent of my drinking problem so there's no real resentment over that in our relationship. I think he has a hard time containing his stress and anxiety and it spills out onto the closest person: me.
foreverfuzzy: my heart goes out to you! If you need an "ear" I'm willing to lend one. I feel like we're in similar situations to a certain extent.
Scott: I don't feel like I'm in danger or that he has crossed into emotional abuse. I'm also lucky in the sense that he never realized the extent of my drinking problem so there's no real resentment over that in our relationship. I think he has a hard time containing his stress and anxiety and it spills out onto the closest person: me.
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Originally Posted by TheMerryRecluse 
Wow, thank you everyone so much for your words of advice and support.
When I say sometimes, to clarify, it's every couple of weeks. I think a few of you raise a good point: I am probably emotionally raw and he is, by nature, a persnickety person like the mom in the story. He has a great heart and he's kind and generous, but his crabbiness gets under my skin and I DO take it personally even though I know it's not my fault. Normally, I just shut down and hide with the bottle, but I'm at a loss because I can't do that anymore. I think if I just blew it off he would realize his blustering was silly and things would resolve themselves, but I'm on thin emotional ice right now. So, maybe I just need to build up my skin?
When I say sometimes, to clarify, it's every couple of weeks. I think a few of you raise a good point: I am probably emotionally raw and he is, by nature, a persnickety person like the mom in the story. He has a great heart and he's kind and generous, but his crabbiness gets under my skin and I DO take it personally even though I know it's not my fault. Normally, I just shut down and hide with the bottle, but I'm at a loss because I can't do that anymore. I think if I just blew it off he would realize his blustering was silly and things would resolve themselves, but I'm on thin emotional ice right now. So, maybe I just need to build up my skin?
I was also really emotionally raw. I took me a long time many years after i sobered up to realize that when someones mad at me about something or frustrated it doesnt mean that I'm going to get beat or that there going to walk out of my lives or im going to have to pay some horrific price because there upset with me. Its ok for people to be upset with you its normal and part of life.
In my case as a child any mistep was met with swift and severe consequences. So in my relationship for example with my wife I've spent I dunno the last 2 decades plus absolutly terrified everytime she was upset with me that she was going to walk out that door to me that was the most horrific consequence and how I expect her to act. Not because this is something to be expected of her but because in my twisted mind thats what i jus presume will happen the worst.
So when my emotions get raw I tend to take it a bit too personally.
So its possible that yeah your just incredibly sensitive and at a time like this i'd imagine you would be.
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Yeah, the early days really allow you to see things from a different perspective and it's probably too early for you to know how things will work out with the two of you. If he continues to be verbally abusive, then it's definitely time to rethink the situation. Are you able to have a calm discussion with him about how his angry outbursts make you feel?
Btw, is your user name from Caroline Knapp's book of the same name?
Btw, is your user name from Caroline Knapp's book of the same name?
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Originally Posted by zjw
Yeah maybe that too?
I was also really emotionally raw. I took me a long time many years after i sobered up to realize that when someones mad at me about something or frustrated it doesnt mean that I'm going to get beat or that there going to walk out of my lives or im going to have to pay some horrific price because there upset with me. Its ok for people to be upset with you its normal and part of life.
In my case as a child any mistep was met with swift and severe consequences. So in my relationship for example with my wife I've spent I dunno the last 2 decades plus absolutly terrified everytime she was upset with me that she was going to walk out that door to me that was the most horrific consequence and how I expect her to act. Not because this is something to be expected of her but because in my twisted mind thats what i jus presume will happen the worst.
So when my emotions get raw I tend to take it a bit too personally.
So its possible that yeah your just incredibly sensitive and at a time like this i'd imagine you would be.
I was also really emotionally raw. I took me a long time many years after i sobered up to realize that when someones mad at me about something or frustrated it doesnt mean that I'm going to get beat or that there going to walk out of my lives or im going to have to pay some horrific price because there upset with me. Its ok for people to be upset with you its normal and part of life.
In my case as a child any mistep was met with swift and severe consequences. So in my relationship for example with my wife I've spent I dunno the last 2 decades plus absolutly terrified everytime she was upset with me that she was going to walk out that door to me that was the most horrific consequence and how I expect her to act. Not because this is something to be expected of her but because in my twisted mind thats what i jus presume will happen the worst.
So when my emotions get raw I tend to take it a bit too personally.
So its possible that yeah your just incredibly sensitive and at a time like this i'd imagine you would be.
You hit the nail on the head. I went through the same as a child and it is compounded by having been in a severely physically abusive relationship several years ago. I think I'm always scared I've done something wrong and am always trying to "fix" it even though usually I haven't done anything and he is just being a crab about something random like the gutters. Oh alcohol how you cloud things. It seems so clear now.
Anna: YES! I am bad with usernames and I love Carolyn Knapp so I stole the name
Today is on track to be better. He does realize his moods affect me and he is working on it, but I'm going to have to get better at "oh mom-ing " before I make myself crazy and go to the store.
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