Feeling horribly guilty
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Feeling horribly guilty
Have I done the right thing by telling AH to leave?
I feel horribly guilty, awfully horribly guilty.
I KNOW I don't want the kids witnessing his drunken behaviour...I know I am doing the right thing by the,. And I know they are way in front in the priority stakes.
But his words about my actions hit me hard...I know he's going down the hole of addiction faster because he's not at home. That he feels abandoned and alone. He's been telling me for weeks how much he's struggling...I feel like a total b*tch kicking him out when he is so down.
He is begging me to come home. So many calls and texts, begging me.
And as I write this I know I am being pathetic...of course he's a grown man and as he is feeling terrible, and struggling there were 100 things he could have done to help himself, and that I am not an expert and there is nothing I could realistically do.
But I still feel terrible.
I told him when he is ready to tackle his addiction again then we can talk. So its in his hands. And obviously he needs to want it for him, not just so he can com home.
Agghhh I hate hate hate this.
I feel horribly guilty, awfully horribly guilty.
I KNOW I don't want the kids witnessing his drunken behaviour...I know I am doing the right thing by the,. And I know they are way in front in the priority stakes.
But his words about my actions hit me hard...I know he's going down the hole of addiction faster because he's not at home. That he feels abandoned and alone. He's been telling me for weeks how much he's struggling...I feel like a total b*tch kicking him out when he is so down.
He is begging me to come home. So many calls and texts, begging me.
And as I write this I know I am being pathetic...of course he's a grown man and as he is feeling terrible, and struggling there were 100 things he could have done to help himself, and that I am not an expert and there is nothing I could realistically do.
But I still feel terrible.
I told him when he is ready to tackle his addiction again then we can talk. So its in his hands. And obviously he needs to want it for him, not just so he can com home.
Agghhh I hate hate hate this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You mentioned he had a relapse plan. Is he following it?
From what you've said since his relapse he's going down the hole regardless of whether he's home or not. He seems to be saying home restrains him; given his history it would be a matter timing before he hits bottom, but with the kids watching.
Sorry about this conflict. Where does his counsellor and treatment service fit into the scenario?
From what you've said since his relapse he's going down the hole regardless of whether he's home or not. He seems to be saying home restrains him; given his history it would be a matter timing before he hits bottom, but with the kids watching.
Sorry about this conflict. Where does his counsellor and treatment service fit into the scenario?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
You shouldn't feel guilty at all. You're doing the best thing for you and your children, and he's not doing the best thing for anyone - including himself. He is the only one that can save himself, and if he doesn't want to bother, how can you possibly do anything about it?
I've glanced back at your history on here and I think you should do the same. You are certainly not the one that should feel guilty about a single thing that you're doing right now. He's doing what he can to make you cave, because he thinks you will. If you do cave, then what will it end up meaning for you? More pain, more roller coaster, more heartbreak. For him, it just means trucking on like he's done for your entire relationship (and most of his life).
Keep these boundaries, and let him know you mean it. If he is that set on always taking the easy way out (in which he's doing right now by begging to come back without actually helping himself), then you don't need that in your life anyway. And yes, I know how easy it is to say that, as opposed to live it. Every single person here knows that.
You made the right decision here, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Please don't let a master manipulator make you think that you should.
I've glanced back at your history on here and I think you should do the same. You are certainly not the one that should feel guilty about a single thing that you're doing right now. He's doing what he can to make you cave, because he thinks you will. If you do cave, then what will it end up meaning for you? More pain, more roller coaster, more heartbreak. For him, it just means trucking on like he's done for your entire relationship (and most of his life).
Keep these boundaries, and let him know you mean it. If he is that set on always taking the easy way out (in which he's doing right now by begging to come back without actually helping himself), then you don't need that in your life anyway. And yes, I know how easy it is to say that, as opposed to live it. Every single person here knows that.
You made the right decision here, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Please don't let a master manipulator make you think that you should.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thank you - its one thing to know in my head that I am being manipulated, but another to really believe it in my heart.
In terms of where do his treatment team sit - well over the last few weeks he has slowly 'given all that up'. They are aware he is in relapse. They've just said that if I feel like I want to do anything just to remind him that he does have a plan and that all the elements of that plan are available to him the moment he feels ready.
In terms of where do his treatment team sit - well over the last few weeks he has slowly 'given all that up'. They are aware he is in relapse. They've just said that if I feel like I want to do anything just to remind him that he does have a plan and that all the elements of that plan are available to him the moment he feels ready.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Jarp,
That feeling in your stomach settles. You supported him and and supported him and supported him. But eventually there are serious consequences to addiction. Tough love is exceedingly hard to invoke.
My RAH was shocked and got belligerent (phone calls/texts that made my heart wither) when I kicked him out. He had too much pride to go home to mama, so after a week of flailing he wound up in inpatient rehab. And after a few days he decided to learn there...
I'll pray your H finally settles down to beat his addiction.
That feeling in your stomach settles. You supported him and and supported him and supported him. But eventually there are serious consequences to addiction. Tough love is exceedingly hard to invoke.
My RAH was shocked and got belligerent (phone calls/texts that made my heart wither) when I kicked him out. He had too much pride to go home to mama, so after a week of flailing he wound up in inpatient rehab. And after a few days he decided to learn there...
I'll pray your H finally settles down to beat his addiction.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yes, when I split with my husband, he went to live in his dingy third world-like warehouse space. Only a toilet and sink, sleeping on the floor. I felt bad, too - and I had no job and had to figure it all out. I felt some guilt, but more I felt angry. It was minute by minute for me sometimes, like SparkleKitty said.
Stay busy. Stay mad - at least for a little while. This is the best thing for everyone involved, and you didn't cause it - he did.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Then another. . .
Stay busy. Stay mad - at least for a little while. This is the best thing for everyone involved, and you didn't cause it - he did.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Then another. . .
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your guilt is tied to the belief that SOMEHOW you should have been able to FIX this. and that because you could not it is YOUR fault. but you know:
you didn't CAUSE this.
you can't CONTROL this.
you cannot CURE this.
HE CAN. but time after time, choice after choice, he has propelled himself along this path. he HAS a damn TREATMENT TEAM for god's sake. he is exactly one phone call away from help.
you feel responsible.
he does not.
and he is playing on your emotions. in fact he is COUNTING on you feeling as you do, so you will let him come back and he can AVOID doing the right thing.
you didn't CAUSE this.
you can't CONTROL this.
you cannot CURE this.
HE CAN. but time after time, choice after choice, he has propelled himself along this path. he HAS a damn TREATMENT TEAM for god's sake. he is exactly one phone call away from help.
you feel responsible.
he does not.
and he is playing on your emotions. in fact he is COUNTING on you feeling as you do, so you will let him come back and he can AVOID doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
jarp, (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Didn't he do this before, and then he went to rehab, has a whole team ready to help him now?
Him telling you that he is falling faster into addiction because he isn't home, WOW>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> So instead of a few months to get to where he is now, maybe it would have been 9 months. He was going there anyway. Even though, what the hell am I saying, you told him to leave because he was drinking.
He survived the last time he was out, he will again. He is not sleeping under a bridge, and if he was, that is his own doing.
He put his "mask" on for a few months, then decided he liked the way he was, and it is "all your fault" that he can't be that way, and still stay there.
Jarp, I do hope you know that if you let him back in, that what you are seeing now will be his best behavior, because he knows that you will "fold", again, and again.
Thinking of you.
Take care
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Didn't he do this before, and then he went to rehab, has a whole team ready to help him now?
Him telling you that he is falling faster into addiction because he isn't home, WOW>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> So instead of a few months to get to where he is now, maybe it would have been 9 months. He was going there anyway. Even though, what the hell am I saying, you told him to leave because he was drinking.
He survived the last time he was out, he will again. He is not sleeping under a bridge, and if he was, that is his own doing.
He put his "mask" on for a few months, then decided he liked the way he was, and it is "all your fault" that he can't be that way, and still stay there.
Jarp, I do hope you know that if you let him back in, that what you are seeing now will be his best behavior, because he knows that you will "fold", again, and again.
Thinking of you.
Take care
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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