searching peace

So last night my husband is going off on me and berating me for everything he blames me for and is telling me how he is going through with the divorce and it is what he wants. And then he says that after the divorce, and after the dust settles he wants us to date eachother??? What in the world? Why would he want that or say he wants that? He told me last night he doesn't want to stay married because then I would be entitled to more of his retirement etc and he wants it all to go to his kids. I told him I would sign something stating I wouldn't take any money in any event. Have any of you ever heard of anyone saying they wanted to divorce someone but they wanted to date them?

SparkleKitty

SP, nothing you've reported here leads me to believe your husband has any idea what he really wants, other than to make sure you never have a solid foundation to stand on.

ladyscribbler

I think anything he says is manipulation. Invest in some earplugs, because I doubt anything worthwhile or sensible will be issuing from his pie-hole anytime soon.
Sorry you're experiencing this crazymaking behavior.

firebolt

Wholly manipulation. At this point, talking to him seems pointless. His words show that he really only cares about what you can do for him.

Please don't sign anything, please take your half, and please walk, no happily skip away a divorced woman free of chaos, lies, and manipulation. You deserve it!!!

damascus1986

sounds like i still wanna have sex without the commitment. but i dont know your full situation. just a quick opinion of what u said.

AnvilheadII

i'm curious why you are taking ANYTHING he says seriously??

Lilro

Do not sign anything....as a matter of fact, just on spite you should take him to the cleaners....

minime13

He's setting up a trap. He announced the notion of a divorce and is now back-tracking. Apparently, you didn't beg for him stay, so now he's scrambling.

He doesn't want to look like the fool, so he's bringing up dating, and that he doesn't want you to get his money, so that's why he was divorcing in the first place. So, he is going to play some hard-core mind games to get you back in line, one way or another.

Please realize what he's doing. Keep the ball rolling with divorce, and be proactive about it. This is a life I wouldn't wish on anyone.

PohsFriend

I know it is very difficult but try not to get too down when he's nuts or too hopeful when he's kind.

One of the best lessons I've learned so far has been "Don't just do something, Stand there!". Divorce is a scary word and it brings out a lot of emotion when it's unleashed. We don't often make good decisions when we are operating from fear or hurt or negative emotions like spite. Taking someone to the cleaners happens on TV but rarely in actual divorces. Both lose, it's just a question of who loses more and healing takes a long time.

Take care of yourself, see a doc if you are anxious and/or depressed. Find a therapist if you need to vent this stuff out, go to an al-anon meeting as often as you can.

In the midst of the storm you can find shelter from it and choose not to engage in it, it is very hard but you can do it.

Wishing you peace and serenity.

breath

I can relate, my wife wants a divorce, we wasted alot of $ with mediation; she ruined us financially so we now co-habitate and are sickeninly co-dependent. I have always wanted to try and fix something that I committed to 25 years ago; I'm not one who can just walk away. She's a hoarder, fat, out of shape, and her self-esteem is kept above water by beingjudgemental of everything else. She has predatory loans that charge 89% interest; lied to her family and mine to borrow money she never paid back and hid from me, she took loans out in my name by forging my signature. Then along came her ex-husband she divorced 30+ years ago because he was abusive and more, he got her a job, they work in the same office but keep it a secret, even from me. He's lent he money, so now she's his indentured bimbo and is obligated to be 'his' she tried to hide a trip she is on right now to Las Vegas with him, from me, hiding her luggage, and even lying to me and sneaking out of the house
Just like an alcoholic she thinks she is hiding everything, but the only one she is fooling is herself.
My point? Well I did need to vent; but what it comes down to is, even when we might think we know someone they can be sick, or sicker, than an alcoholic, at least we admit our disease and get help. As I mentioned my wife is a true hoarder by every definition, and along with that trait are all the others that define deep deep depression; she won't get help so I did, went to therapy and described her in extreme detail, and the therapist diagnosed her absentia as depressed & all the rest.

So you can rest assured that your husband is probably sick, and has just started showing some signs, mainly paranoia, and he won't get better on his own
fortunately, I have recovered and am doing well financially behind my wife's back, my $$ legally where she can't touch it, I'll be "buying her out" and because of her affairs and sickness she'll continue to live a miserable life. I can't control others, only me, and am doing what I can to move towards happiness
Hope my rant helps, I needed to vent and maybe i've shed some light on what you are now encountering
I was devastated at first, now I'm not. It takes work.

Liveitwell

Well .... Um ... I got nothing. This is just crap!!

Fly N Buy

This couple got divorced and are now dating. Read this thread the other day.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html

maia1234

Breath,
While she is in Vegas with her X, why don't you start purging some of her junk. Get a dumpster and go at it. If she wants to go through it and keep it, its in the dumpster.

The house is going to be yours, start today. Its empowering!!!

FindingMe2

Every time I tried to apply logic to the insanity my exA spewed, my thinking became more and more distorted.

I think the real question here should be......why am I willing to settle for crumbs by an abusive alcoholic? Answering that question on paper was so painful but in time became very healing and empowering!

PohsFriend

Any separate property of hers thrown out would be a mistake. A reasonable judge will deduct the reasonable value of anything that is her property from your share.

It would also make you appear vindictive and make you far less credible to a family court judge.

We don't know who will get the house and you should never assume that the Court will see things your way. Typically, the only 'winners' in a contested divorce settlement are the attorneys and any court appointed professionals who are part of your local divorce industry.

We also don't know both sides of a story which is not to suggest that I doubt for a second that what someone said accurately states their perception.

I'm not an attorney nor would I presume to give legal advice but after a 16 year custody battle and dozens of hearings and nonsense the things I found to be consistently true are that the Courts don't like trials and will make it very very expensive for you to have a prolonged battle and it's a court of law, not justice.

Depending on what state (or country) a person is in and even counties within a state or courts within a particular county there can be very different interpretations of very different family codes and community property laws. MOST have a set of 'standing orders' that apply in any divorce proceeding that specifically precludes either party destroying, secreting, disposing of or altering the value of any property. If you do that you made the Judge's job harder and told them you are not acting in good faith and hence should not be trusted.

With respect, the best advice I believe you can give to a person who has decided to divorce is that they keep their own behavior completely beyond reproach and do, say, write nothing that could be construed as petty or vindictive.

The judge does not care. The judge wants you off their overloaded docket and they are human, they will decide very quickly who they find credible and reasonable or malicious and unreasonable and they tend to reward the person who makes things easy for them. Throwing her stuff in a dumpster would fall under the malicious and unreasonable category.

There is a good reason that Courts look unfavorably upon those who do things out of spite or malice and it is because they should. A spouse's poor behavior does not give us license to behave badly.

If that doesn't make sense I would respectfully recommend you TRY al-anon and read a bit about finding our part in problems and taking responsibility for fixing ourselves. Ten years down the road you may want to be able to look back and say that you behaved honorably and respected your marriage even though you were forced to end the marriage because your spouse did not.

The high road tends to have better scenery ;-)

Spite and resentments are like taking poison then waiting for the other person to die... they never make you a happier person.