blueberry2015

another low mood which has sprung from nowhere!

I had a good day really I even managed a trip to the supermarket for the first time since day 1 .... OMG alcohol was everywhere! Just staring me in the face everywhere I looked I even found a pack of beer dumped within the cereals ffs. Yeah I felt down, resented people who had a bottle of wine in their basket, i resented the fact the supermarket had a bottle of spirit on special offer.

We done step ten tonight and it helped me make sense of why I felt the way I did. Anyways had a good AA meeting and now im home.... whoosh just a sudden feeling of lowness. I hate this because I can't work out why.

People tell me I look so well and how well I'm doing and that I should be proud I didn't press the feck it bucket today. Tonight I hate being an alcoholic. I guess I feel a sense of self pity actually. Im trying so hard to be positive and strong but tonight I feel a sense of loss..... does that make sense? I don't want to be an alcoholic.... but I am and that saddens me. Urgh.

I hope how I feel makes sense and yes please please do tell me if you feel necessary, to stop wallowing in self pity. Im just a bit .... overwhelmed I guess. Anyways thanks for listening.

blueberry2015

im scared the temptation to drink tonight is strong.

lynbee

Hang in there blueberry! I have that down feeling today too. We can do this.

D122y

You are just beginning the withdrawal. Eat, drink water, binge watch a series. Be determined. Your life depends on it.

2WheelsGood

I call that my AV talking to me, fighting back from being starved of alcohol and frightened of the finality of it. Does it make you feel worse to say, "I will never drink again." ? Does it feel better to say, "I will not drink for 90 days." ? The SMART people call that the AV feeling cornered and lashing out.

For me alcohol numbed my emotional brain. It was easy to stay numb and emotionally stunted. When I stopped (and even today) I have those old boxed up emotions come boiling up to the surface now and then. I have the old mood swings now and again. A large part of my recovery so far has been recognizing and dealing with the emotions I now feel much more readily than when I was drunk every evening.

This too shall pass. Isn't it bedtime there on the Island?

blueberry2015

I just thought withdrawal was physical I've done that had no idea it could be psychological too... Ah ****... im crying. Ive been through so much which is probably why im an alcoholic in the first place... how much more does life want to throw at me? I just want peace. Im struggling tonight.

blueberry2015

It not so much I will never drink again its more I cant ever drink again.

Anna

Oh Blueberry, it's definitely psychological too and I think that's the hardest part. It's normal to feel emotional and have ups and downs, so just hang in there and it will get better. Try to remember that the feelings are just feelings and they don't control you. You can feel them and then let them go.

Fluffer

blueberry,

Try not to think about being deprived, but keep reminding yourself of the positive things, like how you are soon to be free from your addiction and slavery and how much better your life will be and that you are succeeding in doing this. If you allow your AV to wallow in self pity and deprivation, you will have a hard time staying the course. Good luck and hang in there!

thom7

Hugs and prayers Blueberry. It's hard ,but You can do it

sg1970

Roller coaster emotions are typical for awhile. It gets much better.

That sense of loss. Like losing my best friend and go to coping skill. Not being "normal". Living life without ever drinking again. What I had to remind myself is drinking is nothing special. And I was a heavy drinker. One or two would just make me mad so "normal" drinking just didn't appeal to me when I think about it. I would rather not drink at all if I couldn't get smashed. And nothing good comes out of getting smashed.

It's good to say you are an alkie but it sounds like you may be struggling with accepting it. It took me about 3 months to accept it and when I finally did man what a relief. That was also when I started working the steps and the white knuckling ended! "Ceased fighting anything and anyone-even alcohol" as the book says. It's a great feeling not to have the urge.

You can do this. You are doing this. Just keep hanging in there and doing what you are doing. It gets better it just takes a little work, a little stubbornness, and time. Great job on passing the temptation today.

blueberry2015

Im really struggling to be positive its like a part of my old self has died and im entering into a new phase of life rediscovering myself again. Im finding that tough. Maybe I should read step one tonight before bed? I feel annoyed at myself that I am even missing my old life knowing full well its damaged my liver! I dunno Im just confused I guess. This is hard. Im trying to get myself around it all. I dont want to be going through this. I regret letting my drinking get out of control but the truth is.... I didnt care. I WISHED I cared enough about myself back then then I wouldnt be here now.

Ziggz

I've felt very similar these last 5 days too blueberry - spotting alcohol everywhere I go and on tv (wish there was a follow-up to the Dos XX commercial showing 'The Most Interesting Man in the World' puking on his shoes).
Just keep telling myself *been there, done that* I'm sure many days/nights when I was out buying a bottle w/the groceries, or drinking at a restaurant, there was an ex-drinker glaring at me
It's up and down for sure, but you're not alone in this as you can see.

blueberry2015

Yep im in regret and self pity. Pathetic really.

sg1970

Regretting and wishing don't help anything. You have to focus on today and what you can do positively in the future. Try to find something to do to get your mind off of the past. Like a movie perhaps.

Hevyn

Blueberry, You describe it so well! What you posted takes me back to my early recovery days. On one hand I was thrilled to be free of it - I had sunk very low! On the other hand, I was resentful, angry, and so afraid of 'missing out'. As my new, healthy life began to kick in I felt a bit better each day. Hope and optimism took over eventually, and I never went back to feeling cheated out of the 'fun' or excitement of drinking.

I was emotional, self-pitying (it's normal) and all the things you described. I have none of those feelings today. What you're going through is normal and to be expected. It will change blueberry.

blueberry2015

[QUOTE=sg1970;5498565]Roller coaster emotions are typical for awhile. It gets much better.

That sense of loss. Like losing my best friend and go to coping skill. Not being "normal". Living life without ever drinking again. What I had to remind myself is drinking is nothing special. And I was a heavy drinker. One or two would just make me mad so "normal" drinking just didn't appeal to me when I think about it. I would rather not drink at all if I couldn't get smashed. And nothing good comes out of getting smashed.

It's good to say you are an alkie but it sounds like you may be struggling with accepting it. It took me about 3 months to accept it and when I finally did man what a relief. That was also when I started working the steps and the white knuckling ended! "Ceased fighting anything and anyone-even alcohol" as the book says. It's a great feeling not to have the urge.

You can do this. You are doing this. Just keep hanging in there and doing what you are doing. It gets better it just takes a little work, a little stubbornness, and time. Great job on passing the temptation today.[/QUOTE

Thank you you've made perfect sense. Acceptance.... well I guess I need to give myself a bit more time. Your right I am struggling with acceptance.

2ndhandrose

(((Blueberry))) I am 7 months into sobriety and lately, I have been all over the map emotionally. I can cry over anything, happy, sad, good, bad, indifferent, I have some tears to shed over it.

I am in counseling and something I was told is that not every feeling requires a reaction or even a fix. It is okay just to be a witness to our feelings and allow them to pass through us. I hope that makes even a tiny bit of sense.

I think it is taking time for me to get used to being with my feelings. I spent so many years blotting them out.

I hope you can give yourself some pampering, a bowl of ice cream, a good movie by candlelight (maybe a sad movie and have an all out cry session).

blueberry2015

Thank you for understanding. im just gonna have a good cry and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day..... Thank you. Im gonna accept the 12 week recovery programme Ive been offered I think Im gonna need it.

MelindaFlowers

I also struggled with feelings of not being "normal" but if I really thought about it, all the "normal" people I know barely drink alcohol. So I thought that was kinda cool that I'd be pretty normal by not drinking at all.