jjul86

I met this man 2 years go via a dating website. I was not aware at the time but he has an alcohol addiction spanning ten years. I am a nurturer by trait and although he hid his addiction well enough to fool a person completely oblivious to signs of addiction, it was clear to me that this man needed help and love. Over the course of 2 years, I gave him money and companionship and other things way more valuable than money. I fell in love with him. It took about a year before I began to realize his drinking was responsible for the erratic behavior, made up, stories, wild mood swings, and questionable things he did while drinking (like engage other women and steal). He was eventually kicked out by his then roommate who was allowing him to live there rent free (also enabling him). He did not have support from friends and family because, as I later found, he had burned those bridges over the course of 10 years via lying, manipulating and just generally overstaying his welcome. I was not in a position to live with him so he lived on the street for 4 months. I assisted him with 4-5K worth of hotel, hostel, food and various other expenses during this time. I wanted to walk away because my life was falling apart. I was no longer excited about anything I had worked for, or my future plans. I gained a lot of weight, isolated myself and slowly let my life unravel. I wanted to walk away but constantly looming was the threat that he would kill himself, and I believed it. December of last year, following admission that he was messing around with other women, he dragged himself into a free rehabilitation clinic for intake. We stopped talking. I was grateful, and yet, angry and curious but mostly angry. He didn't have any way to talk with me for 45 days because that was the restriction period for the rehabilitation program. I made a mistake. As soon as I spotted some activity on his Facebook, I contacted him basically to yell at him because I never got to tell him how used he made me feel. I can be a fiery woman but ultimately I am an empath. I have a low sense of self-worth and as a result it is not difficult for me to forgive people and my boundaries are easily violated. We started talking and just a couple months into the 6-8 month program he wanted to leave again (which translates to living on the street because this man does not have a friend in the world). My heart couldn't bear it and my wallet couldn't bear it. I just wanted him to stay in rehab and the only way I felt like I could assure that was if we continued to talk. So we did. And you know what? He graduated the 6 month program, and acquired wonderful habits like regularly attending Church service and participating in AA and Impact meetings on a daily (often twice daily) basis. His life became one that was amazingly organized and grounded in routine, and best of all, sober. I got to see this man in a way that I never had because he was so sick when I initially met him. He truly blossomed into this strong, capable man. Now I should explain here that despite talking with him through this transition in his life (only talking via messenger, no meeting in person) - I made it clear that I did not want a future with him because I could not trust him (he took a lot of money from me, stole, cheated on me, lied). He attributes all those things to his alcohol addiction, and I don't doubt it, but I do not want a future defined by the drama and potential for relapse that this man brings into my life. He is a hurricane and I am a pond. He got a job as a manager in the city where he completed the rehab program and decided to live with a friend until he could sign lease on his own place. Well during this
period he asked me to basically be with him or to stop talking to him because it interferes with his recovery. I respect that and, after a lot of thinking and talking and time, I decided on the latter. So this is where I need help. In the 2 short weeks since making a firm decision to not have a future with this man, his life has spiraled. He lost his job because he stopped going to it, stopped going to meetings, constantly threatening to kill himself, to hurt me (no physical threats, but he has threatened in the past to hurt my family or post naked pictures of me on the internet). He swears he is not drinking, but I can tell that he is. I don't know what to do. He says that I am to blame for ruining his clean slate, his second chance, because I came back and because he feels mislead by my intentions. I am hesitant to simply block him from texting or e-mailing me because he knows where I work and I fear he is in a dangerous mindset. So I am keeping in touch with him, walking on eggshells, basically to make sure I am safe and he's alive but I don't know what to do now. I don't want to pay to put him through another rehab program, especially since he reversed 8 months of good habits, dedication and concerted effort in less than a week and attributes the outcome to me “not wanting or loving him”. He acts like I owe it to him, like he worked hard, he changed, and now I have to spend my life with a man who I don't trust and makes me feel unsafe. I am very scared. I know I fed this cycle and I am accountable for enabling him in the past but I do not want to enable him in the present and I need help. I just want my life back.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Any and all feedback is welcomed. If there is anyone going through anything like this, I could really use someone to talk to you.

LexieCat

Sorry you are feeling so trapped. You are being held hostage.

Your behavior is very typical of a victim of abuse. I strongly suggest that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with a domestic violence advocate. Not all abuse is physical, and the kind of emotional abuse you are experiencing can be just as dangerous. You need an expert to help you navigate disentangling your relationship from this man.

The way he is behaving has little or nothing to do with his alcoholism, and everything to do with his abusive personality. Depending on where you live, you might be entitled to a protective order.

Please get some help for this now, before the situation becomes any worse.

minime13

Abuse and control.

The only problem that goes away when a person stops drinking is that they stop drinking. Sobriety never addresses the underlying issues that makes them drink, nor does it address the underlying issues of the other components that come out when they drink.

In your situation, he probably had some behavior fueled by his addiction (stealing, overstaying his welcome, and some questionable and erratic behavior), but other issues were simply exacerbated by his constant lubrication (mood swings, manipulation, control).

The blame game can be part of the alcoholism, but the post-sobriety blaming is certainly a trait of an abusive personality. If you add to that the threats to kill himself and demands that you keep talking to him and basically surrender yourself to him, you have a potentially dangerous situation - for you.

I second the advice to contact a domestic violence advocate, and take their advice and assistance. This isn't about some poor guy at the end of his rope that just needs help. This is a controlling, abusive man that is trying to reel you back in for more damage.

atalose

Then TAKE it back............ and stop being a hostage to his alcoholism and quacking.

Find a counselor or therapist, read Co-dependent No More, go to some al-anon meetings.

Take some kind of action to help you break your own addiction to this man.

Get help so you can understand that you do NOT have that kind of power to make someone else (who by the way has a drinking history long before you even came lone) drink or stop drinking…………it just doesn’t work like that.

firebolt

So scary!

You CAN cut contact. All of it. If he shows up, you can tell him to go away. If he doesn't stop, you can call the police and let them know he is stalking, has threatened your family etc. Write down every incident. Record your calls with him. Save text messages. It will be scary and will take some work, but you CAN take your life back, and rid yourself of him, for your own health and sanity! I second calling the shelter - their victims advocate will help you A LOT. Take care!

jjul86

Thank all of you who took the time to reply. I 've been so wrapped up in the escalating drama that I didn't stop to recognize my own obsessive tendencies or the simple fact that more than distance from him, I need help to accept the distance as permanent, maintain the distance and not feel afraid. It's been over 2 volatile years that somehow feel like 10 that my life has been consumed by this relationship. I have isolated myself from everyone in my life except for him and it's clear to me now that I've been grossly codependent on an ideal of true love that is causing tremendous destruction for both of us. I am going to try a local Al-Anon meeting to help process my thoughts and to hopefully learn more about the mechanisms in my own life that make me settle in unhealthy relationships.

Your responses have motivated me to think outside the tiny box I've been living in. I really appreciate it.

Refiner

Yes only YOU can take your own life back! Why in the world do you give this "man" so much power? These are HIS life choices and he will try to take you down with him. Pls get a PO immediately and get past this train wreck!

Mountainmanbob

Please, for you own sanity and well being run and don't look back. If you have to get a restraining order so as to keep him away, so be it.

Life is too short for so much drama.

MM

Bookaboo2

I was just wondering is it a normal thing for the ABF to attempt to make the sober significant other feel guilty for setting up boundaries that were necessary while they were doing damaging behaviors such as drinking and lying. My ABF and I hadn't seen each other in 3 weeks and when I explained that we could see each again he stared that he felt betrayed and abandoned by me bc I left. I became so angry that he even had the gall to hve those feelings. I know shouldn't hve but I told him very harshly all my feelings I had been holding in. How I felt betrayed bc nvr in a million years would I hve dated him knowing that he was going to relapse. (He had been sober 9 yrs). I explained that am having a hard to with his addiction and being sympathetic bc I hve my own issues/urges that i fight with everyday. I choose not to make certain choices bc then I won't be able to take care of my son. Honestly I was livid I know alnon tells a person not to react with anger bc is a disease and it will only make it worse when they are drunk. He wasn't drunk when I spoke with him about this. The next day he apologized for the pain he has caused me. I guess am wondering SR family can relationships wrk after the relapse and how. I love him so much but I also love myself more. Guess am struggling with trying to be supportive and not allowing his diseased thinking to cloud mine. I don't know does this even make sense

LexieCat

I think "feeling afraid" is a reasonable reaction to what you've been dealing with. Don't dismiss that fear--it is as healthy as fear of fire or drowning when you are in a dangerous situation.

Rather than dismissing the fear, do some things that will make you safer. He escalated his behavior when you weren't coming back to him, and he may escalate again if he sees his tactics aren't having the desired effect. Please get some professional assistance with safety planning so you can LEGITIMATELY feel--and be--safe.