alone vs family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
alone vs family
how u guys combine youre recovery with family life?
My gf and I are in constant struggle every since we got a child. I seek a lot of solitude to work on my recovery and to deal with the past.
I feel if I don't, I will sooner or later relapse on something.
My gf says I don't have the time to do this and I should take my responsibilty as a father (I work 50+ hours a week, night-shifts). And when I get home from work I often can't relax and I have to do all sorts of stuff.
It has been a constant FIGHT to get 3-4 workouts in a week.
She doesn't have a job and is home all day every day.
Last two months our situation is exploding rapidly.
Yelling and screaming in front of our son.
I'm getting verbally more agressive and it won't take long before I'm gonna take it out on my gf, the dog or even my son. I'm afraid to loose control.
I'm made an appointment with the doctor's for help.
I'm considering I've gotten a burn-out.
Meditation and stuff won't help.
Talking won't help.
We're really STUCK and out of balance as a couple and family.
She has her own past and trauma's and has recently started her own therapy project.
I think that's great but we're both 'takers' right now and not really capable of being 'givers' in the ways we both need. It's draining us both.
just ranting.
Either we fix this, or we'll have to go our seperate ways for the sake of our child.
I've made the choice to put recovery first.
So I'm seeking as much of solitude as possible.
Then comes my job because I have to survive.
Then comes family for right now that life is my enemy.
My gf and I are in constant struggle every since we got a child. I seek a lot of solitude to work on my recovery and to deal with the past.
I feel if I don't, I will sooner or later relapse on something.
My gf says I don't have the time to do this and I should take my responsibilty as a father (I work 50+ hours a week, night-shifts). And when I get home from work I often can't relax and I have to do all sorts of stuff.
It has been a constant FIGHT to get 3-4 workouts in a week.
She doesn't have a job and is home all day every day.
Last two months our situation is exploding rapidly.
Yelling and screaming in front of our son.
I'm getting verbally more agressive and it won't take long before I'm gonna take it out on my gf, the dog or even my son. I'm afraid to loose control.
I'm made an appointment with the doctor's for help.
I'm considering I've gotten a burn-out.
Meditation and stuff won't help.
Talking won't help.
We're really STUCK and out of balance as a couple and family.
She has her own past and trauma's and has recently started her own therapy project.
I think that's great but we're both 'takers' right now and not really capable of being 'givers' in the ways we both need. It's draining us both.
just ranting.
Either we fix this, or we'll have to go our seperate ways for the sake of our child.
I've made the choice to put recovery first.
So I'm seeking as much of solitude as possible.
Then comes my job because I have to survive.
Then comes family for right now that life is my enemy.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I knew for sure that I would need balance in recovery. I knew that devoting myself exclusively to recovery wouldn't work for me in the long term, so I made a plan that worked for me.
It sounds like you are nearing a breaking point and that you wonder if physical violence is a possibility? Please do whatever you need to so that it doesn't happen. Explain to your gf that you are worried about the intensity of your feelings and that you need help and you need some time to yourself at the end of the day. I hope you find the help you need.
It sounds like you are nearing a breaking point and that you wonder if physical violence is a possibility? Please do whatever you need to so that it doesn't happen. Explain to your gf that you are worried about the intensity of your feelings and that you need help and you need some time to yourself at the end of the day. I hope you find the help you need.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Having a family and raising a child is a major responsibility Coming_Clean. The fact that you realize you may be neglecting other areas of your life is a positive step to get you started in the right direction.
Obviously our sobriety is very important, but I think it's a bit dangerous to actually put things in a "list" to rank it above or below our family/job/etc. All of those things are important and we need to find time for all of them.
One thing that is a bit troubling is your list of things that "WON'T" help. Especially "talking". A relationship cannot survive if the people in it cannot communicate with each other, plain and simple. All couples have their differences, but they need to be able to communicate. If you are Stuck, most likely you need to accept that you need outside help to get you "unstuck". Marriage counseling would be a good start if you haven't tried it.
Obviously our sobriety is very important, but I think it's a bit dangerous to actually put things in a "list" to rank it above or below our family/job/etc. All of those things are important and we need to find time for all of them.
One thing that is a bit troubling is your list of things that "WON'T" help. Especially "talking". A relationship cannot survive if the people in it cannot communicate with each other, plain and simple. All couples have their differences, but they need to be able to communicate. If you are Stuck, most likely you need to accept that you need outside help to get you "unstuck". Marriage counseling would be a good start if you haven't tried it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
I understand her situation and her problems,
But I don't have the energy or skills right now to show empathy and/or relieve her. This makes it seem I don't care.
I do, but i'm in survival mode, so....
Ofcourse this only makes her more mad and sad...
I don't know how to break this cycle of mutual dissapointment and frustration that has been building the last year or so.
But I don't have the energy or skills right now to show empathy and/or relieve her. This makes it seem I don't care.
I do, but i'm in survival mode, so....
Ofcourse this only makes her more mad and sad...
I don't know how to break this cycle of mutual dissapointment and frustration that has been building the last year or so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Obviously our sobriety is very important, but I think it's a bit dangerous to actually put things in a "list" to rank it above or below our family/job/etc. All of those things are important and we need to find time for all of them.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by coming_clean
I don't know how to break this cycle of mutual dissapointment and frustration that has been building the last year or so.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Here is what is sticking out to me:
You say " if I don't I will sooner or later relapse". You are already giving yourself that permission and if you do YOU WILL relapse. Take that off the table.
Then you say: "and when I get home I often can't relax and have to do all sorts of things" and "She doesn't work and is home all day everyday". Being home with a baby is like a job. Put yourself in her shoes. She's been home all day tending to your baby and you expect her to be happy when you get home and want to relax? This is what having a child entails and just because you work outside the home 50 hrs a week doesn't take off your responsibilities to help with you child. She probably needs to relax too but when you have a new baby sometimes there's just no chance and you have to roll with the punches and work it out. It's temporary, he won't be little for long. You get to go and be away for a while. She's stuck there everyday.
You are also shutting things even before you try them "meditation and talking won't work". They won't work with that attitude.
Last: "family life is my worst enemy"... You have a child, you can't pick and choose when you want to be there...
In my opinion you need to communicate and give and take. If I had a newborn and my SO worked 50 hrs a week and then wanted to get 3-4 workout a week while I'm home all day everyday with the baby... And then complain when has to do things around the house, I would be a little resentful.
You chose to have a baby and a family. This isn't about you and what YOU want anymore. You guys have to try to communicate and put your child first. Like I said, it's not about you guys anymore.
You say " if I don't I will sooner or later relapse". You are already giving yourself that permission and if you do YOU WILL relapse. Take that off the table.
Then you say: "and when I get home I often can't relax and have to do all sorts of things" and "She doesn't work and is home all day everyday". Being home with a baby is like a job. Put yourself in her shoes. She's been home all day tending to your baby and you expect her to be happy when you get home and want to relax? This is what having a child entails and just because you work outside the home 50 hrs a week doesn't take off your responsibilities to help with you child. She probably needs to relax too but when you have a new baby sometimes there's just no chance and you have to roll with the punches and work it out. It's temporary, he won't be little for long. You get to go and be away for a while. She's stuck there everyday.
You are also shutting things even before you try them "meditation and talking won't work". They won't work with that attitude.
Last: "family life is my worst enemy"... You have a child, you can't pick and choose when you want to be there...
In my opinion you need to communicate and give and take. If I had a newborn and my SO worked 50 hrs a week and then wanted to get 3-4 workout a week while I'm home all day everyday with the baby... And then complain when has to do things around the house, I would be a little resentful.
You chose to have a baby and a family. This isn't about you and what YOU want anymore. You guys have to try to communicate and put your child first. Like I said, it's not about you guys anymore.
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