I hate myself
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
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I hate myself
Hi all, im back, i joined back in january, did well for about a week with the support from this site, then got back to my old ways and thought i
Could control it, until now. Please dont think bad of me but i have just woken up and cant remember what i did last night. I am staying away on business and this is what i can piece together.
Woke up and thought omg i slept with someone, well 2, or did i? Remember the one bloke was more interested in the other bloke and wanting a taxi home. Thought this had to be a dream cos i know my door was being knocked loads but i ignored it, slight sense of relief thinking ahh it was all a bad dream, then i get out of bed, there is another room key on my table and the last thing i googled was taxi's. I feel so bad i cant even begin, worse cos i honestly dont remember what happened, was it 1, 2? Did i do anything, my pjs are on the floor, which were in my suitcase so i must have got them out to put on at one point. I know you dont want to know all the details but im so stressed, this keeps happening lately, i have the best boyfriend ever and this is how i treat him, i am just worthless
Could control it, until now. Please dont think bad of me but i have just woken up and cant remember what i did last night. I am staying away on business and this is what i can piece together.
Woke up and thought omg i slept with someone, well 2, or did i? Remember the one bloke was more interested in the other bloke and wanting a taxi home. Thought this had to be a dream cos i know my door was being knocked loads but i ignored it, slight sense of relief thinking ahh it was all a bad dream, then i get out of bed, there is another room key on my table and the last thing i googled was taxi's. I feel so bad i cant even begin, worse cos i honestly dont remember what happened, was it 1, 2? Did i do anything, my pjs are on the floor, which were in my suitcase so i must have got them out to put on at one point. I know you dont want to know all the details but im so stressed, this keeps happening lately, i have the best boyfriend ever and this is how i treat him, i am just worthless
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 205
I still remember the first time I blacked out. I woke up in my bed, not remembering how I got there, and found something strange on the giant teddy bear my boyfriend had got me when I had been sick... I realized after following a trail to the vomit-caked toilet what it was. I didn't remember puking at all, and yet, there was the evidence. It was so terrifying to see and know that things had happened, but having formed no memory of them whatsoever.
I have blacked out many more times since then, but I did (I wrote "do" at first, but figure since I am Day 4 and trying to make it stick, I will go with "did") most of my heavy drinking at home with my boyfriend asleep, so usually there weren't others involved with whom I had to piece together events. I can't imagine how scary that would be to wake up knowing you were involved with other people, in any way, but can't recall it.
I know how awful the shame and regret of drinking and blacking out feels. I am so sorry you had to wake up to those vague memories and worry about them.
That first blackout I had made me extremely scared about my drinking. And that was only about a year after I legally could drink...years of alcoholism then went by anyways, and blackouts seemed more normal. It's hard to remember that they are generally a sign of a problem. I think you did the right thing by posting here.
As others on here have told me after my rock bottom Saturday night (driving when I shouldn't have, getting my car stuck, injuring myself pretty badly, and having to call my sick boyfriend to get me and my car at 3am), what happened is in the past. I hate that it can't be changed, but as time goes by, the awful feelings associated it will also go by. You made mistakes, but that doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't color the rest of your future.
That is definitely easier said than believed, I know... But I think people on here are right. All we can do now is take a bad experience, learn from it, and making it mean something. I was always get stressed out when people give that advice, because I am always afraid that the mistake will never be worth something, like there is too much pressure to not screw up again. I am learning, though, that we are human... We make mistakes, and that is always the way it will be. At least in the case of we alcoholics, we know that at least that one part of our lives is in our control, and we can avoid making more mistakes by eliminating that lubricant for them.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about what happened? Would you feel better if you came clean? We are here for you, so please don't hesitate to freak out, have a stream of consciousness, cry, or whatever you need to do here to help yourself.
I have blacked out many more times since then, but I did (I wrote "do" at first, but figure since I am Day 4 and trying to make it stick, I will go with "did") most of my heavy drinking at home with my boyfriend asleep, so usually there weren't others involved with whom I had to piece together events. I can't imagine how scary that would be to wake up knowing you were involved with other people, in any way, but can't recall it.
I know how awful the shame and regret of drinking and blacking out feels. I am so sorry you had to wake up to those vague memories and worry about them.
That first blackout I had made me extremely scared about my drinking. And that was only about a year after I legally could drink...years of alcoholism then went by anyways, and blackouts seemed more normal. It's hard to remember that they are generally a sign of a problem. I think you did the right thing by posting here.As others on here have told me after my rock bottom Saturday night (driving when I shouldn't have, getting my car stuck, injuring myself pretty badly, and having to call my sick boyfriend to get me and my car at 3am), what happened is in the past. I hate that it can't be changed, but as time goes by, the awful feelings associated it will also go by. You made mistakes, but that doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't color the rest of your future.
That is definitely easier said than believed, I know... But I think people on here are right. All we can do now is take a bad experience, learn from it, and making it mean something. I was always get stressed out when people give that advice, because I am always afraid that the mistake will never be worth something, like there is too much pressure to not screw up again. I am learning, though, that we are human... We make mistakes, and that is always the way it will be. At least in the case of we alcoholics, we know that at least that one part of our lives is in our control, and we can avoid making more mistakes by eliminating that lubricant for them.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about what happened? Would you feel better if you came clean? We are here for you, so please don't hesitate to freak out, have a stream of consciousness, cry, or whatever you need to do here to help yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Michigan
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I also wanted to add something I said in another thread, because I can really relate to the self-hate. I had a hard time telling my parents about Saturday night (despite being 27 and living on my own for several years) because I felt so guilty and ashamed. I couldn't live with them knowing what a huge mistake I made, but I felt like I couldn't live with keeping that from them. It felt like my body literally wanted to fly apart, and I felt like I was on the verge of screaming at all moments. It was incredibly hard to finally tell them, but I did...and their reactions were like I couldn't have even imagined. I hated myself more than they could every be angry or disappointed in me. It seems that sometimes honesty can be the best thing for not only others, but yourself. From getting to know people on these forums, it seems a common trend that alcoholics tend to be very self-critical and put everyone else ahead of themself, forgetting to care for themself.
Do what's right, but also what will help you, too.
Sorry for the typos... 3am here and I can't sleep!
Do what's right, but also what will help you, too.
Sorry for the typos... 3am here and I can't sleep!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
Thank you for replying to me, ur words mean a lot, i cant come clean with my boyfriend. He would leave me for sure. I am really sick of myself, when im not drunk i would not even look at another person but latley when im drunk i seem to go with anyone, this is like the 3rd time this has happened in a month now, my friends think there is something wrong with me and other friends think ive turned into some kind of ****, they are right because i have. I used to be kinda hiv phobic and thought everyone had it so wouldnt touch people with a barge pole, i seem to have got over that fear and gone the other way. The only time i see my friends is twice a week for a drink, none of us can have just 1, we all drink to get drunk, so kinda feel like i cant stop else i would have no social life at all, an tbf its not those nights that get me in trouble, its thr nights that i go away with work, like last night. Congrats on day 4. I think i neec to stop before i ruin my life x
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I rang the samritans earlier too cos i just wanted curl up an die, all she said was dont drink, if all my mates are drinking, tell them i am on a diet, that would not cut it with my friends. I wish it was that easy to say no to drink, i have never been able to have just 1, i always go overboard, even on a work night, thinking i will be fine then i feel like death all day at work
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Pueblo, Co
Posts: 26
You are not alone in this... I have experienced more blackouts then I would ever like to admit but you have to find a way to forgive yourself ... People make mistakes and we just have to learn from them.. Learning how to say no to friends and co workers is something I am trying really hard with currently and every time I do it makes me a little stronger.. Even if you have to say I'm not feeling well today or whatever to just stay away from the drinking it will be worth it and the peace of mind that follows is something to hold on to... Wishing you the very best! You can do this and you deserve happiness! 
Hang on!
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by Getagrip 
i have never been able to have just 1, i always go overboard, even on a work night, thinking i will be fine then i feel like death all day at work
If you can avoid the first, avoiding the rest comes easy.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 1
“ i cant come clean with my boyfriend. He would leave me for sure. I am really sick of myself, when im not drunk i would not even look at another person but latley when im drunk i seem to go with anyone, this is like the 3rd time this has happened in a month now, my friends think there is something wrong with me and other friends think ive turned into some kind of ****, they are right because i have. I used to be kinda hiv phobic and thought everyone had it so wouldnt touch people with a barge pole, i seem to have got over that fear and gone the other way.”
This is my first post and I’m sorry to be so preachy but I can’t believe no one has said anything about this yet. I think you need to tell your boyfriend everything, and leave the decision to leave up to him. By sleeping around with God knows who, you are essentially playing Russian roulette with his life. You could be exposing him to a deadly disease or at the very least make him “damaged goods” for the rest of his life. The kinds of guys who’d be taking advantage of a blackout drunk woman usually aren’t the most responsible people. If he chooses to leave you maybe that would be the kick in the pants you need to get you to quit.
This is my first post and I’m sorry to be so preachy but I can’t believe no one has said anything about this yet. I think you need to tell your boyfriend everything, and leave the decision to leave up to him. By sleeping around with God knows who, you are essentially playing Russian roulette with his life. You could be exposing him to a deadly disease or at the very least make him “damaged goods” for the rest of his life. The kinds of guys who’d be taking advantage of a blackout drunk woman usually aren’t the most responsible people. If he chooses to leave you maybe that would be the kick in the pants you need to get you to quit.
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I'm glad you're here and that you're safe.
Blackouts are incredibly scary. I had a few at the end of my drinking days and it was really frightening. It's also incredibly dangerous for a woman to be in that position, incredibly dangerous.
I really hope that you tell your boyfriend the truth. A relationship cannot be based on lies, and he deserves to know what's been going on with you sexually. This could be a turning point for you to step up and do the right thing and stop drinking today. You can do this.
Blackouts are incredibly scary. I had a few at the end of my drinking days and it was really frightening. It's also incredibly dangerous for a woman to be in that position, incredibly dangerous.
I really hope that you tell your boyfriend the truth. A relationship cannot be based on lies, and he deserves to know what's been going on with you sexually. This could be a turning point for you to step up and do the right thing and stop drinking today. You can do this.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: windsor, on
Posts: 104
I can relate completely. I have a great boyfriend but still woke up in the morning a few times in a strange place not remembering a thing but knowing I did something horrible. I have learned so much lately about myself that its kinda scary. I am on day 7 now and I actually feel so much better. Would I like to have a beer...hell ya! Do I want another one of those mornings....hell no! I don't want to ever have to panic ever again in the morning wondering what I did or said to people or on social media ever ever again! I want to be sober now more then I want that beer. I just wish I could of done this before I chose to trade away my car, my license, my job and my respect for a liquid that makes me angry, aggressive, sad, lose my inhabitions, careless,.... List goes on and on and none of it good either. You can do this! As each day goes by even at day 7 I feel a little bit better about myself everyday.
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Hi chloe, thank you for your post, i am glad that you know exactly how i feel at the moment, the guilt is killing me as i guess you know, in not glad you felt like this but nice to know others act the same way i do.
I am now scared to death that i have caught something, i know this is probably the guilt talking but its not making me feel any better, i keep crying and panicking all day, i have spent all day on google researching this and while it says chances are slim, i an still so worried. I will get tested but the wait until i can be and waiting for the results is going to be torture
Did you ever get like this?
No drink = no more nights like this, sober me is quite shy
Congrats on your 7 days :-)
I am now scared to death that i have caught something, i know this is probably the guilt talking but its not making me feel any better, i keep crying and panicking all day, i have spent all day on google researching this and while it says chances are slim, i an still so worried. I will get tested but the wait until i can be and waiting for the results is going to be torture
Did you ever get like this?
No drink = no more nights like this, sober me is quite shy
Congrats on your 7 days :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: windsor, on
Posts: 104
Thanks! I had that fear too. Plus the guilt I may have passed something along to my bf who has been nothing but good to me. The first man in my life to treat me this well...and what do I do! I think thats one of many issues I have. My only suggestion is just go get tested. At first I was putting it off cuz I was so scared but its something I had to do not only for me but for my bf. I am extremely shy and have very low self esteem and drinking makes me the opposite but it's only temporary in the morning I feel at my lowest in my entire life. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I drank then felt guilty then I drank to not feel guilty... Vicious cycle.
I was suppose to go to rehab. I didn't want to at first but then when I accepted the fact of going because I need to find out why I do what I do. However it turns out because of some issues with my doctor I will have to wait at least a month to get in. I have a counselling appt. this Friday. I have started making sure I attend aa meetings too.
People keep telling me that I can get things I lost back as long as I stay sober. The thought of having my respect back is what really keeps me going right now.
I was suppose to go to rehab. I didn't want to at first but then when I accepted the fact of going because I need to find out why I do what I do. However it turns out because of some issues with my doctor I will have to wait at least a month to get in. I have a counselling appt. this Friday. I have started making sure I attend aa meetings too.
People keep telling me that I can get things I lost back as long as I stay sober. The thought of having my respect back is what really keeps me going right now.
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I think that i fear passing something on rather than actually getting something myself.
I have never in my life slept with a complete stranger, not even sure if i did, although it seems i did, this is also playing on my mind, what an i becoming?
Its 2am and i am awake and still on google trying to re-assure myself that the odds are in my favour, i will get tested when i can, its going to be a very long few weeks
I just want everything to come back ok then i can properly move on with my life, until then i will worry myself sick, i am a born worrier
I have never in my life slept with a complete stranger, not even sure if i did, although it seems i did, this is also playing on my mind, what an i becoming?
Its 2am and i am awake and still on google trying to re-assure myself that the odds are in my favour, i will get tested when i can, its going to be a very long few weeks
I just want everything to come back ok then i can properly move on with my life, until then i will worry myself sick, i am a born worrier
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Welcome. You can't go back and change the past. You can't fix everything all at once.
What can you control? You can control whether or not you drink today. That is completely up to you. One day at a time, keep stringing them together. In just a few days you'll be feeling better, in just a few weeks things will come into place. Think about it - just one sober day at a time, and your problems will start to dissolve. Step one is doing it. So stay sober today, period. Welcome aboard and good luck with stopping drinking!
What can you control? You can control whether or not you drink today. That is completely up to you. One day at a time, keep stringing them together. In just a few days you'll be feeling better, in just a few weeks things will come into place. Think about it - just one sober day at a time, and your problems will start to dissolve. Step one is doing it. So stay sober today, period. Welcome aboard and good luck with stopping drinking!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Posts: 82
Thank you
I cant believe i was so stupid, hopefully i will have a logical head soon which wont be constantly be thinking that i am diseased, although doubtful with me, i cant help but always fear the worse, this can be for everything, then i go to my friends so that we can "talk it over" i get very drunk and forget why it was such a big deal, next day, back to feeling the same, this can go on for months with me
I stress about the smallest things and always use the excuse "and people wonder why i drink so much" then i just laugh it off, i am all smiley and laughing on the outside, inside i am always scared and self hating, i try and talk about this but i get shrugged off for talking crap because im drunk
I do think some of friends will have to go temporarily though, someone said on here they seem more to be drinking buddies, i think this will start to show, my 1 friend had been texting me all day as i was upset about the night before, she asked me to go and have a drink with her, this went back and forth of me saying no thanks i want a bath and early night, my last text from her said "oh thanks" then nothing all night, maybe im paranoid but this seems more like she wanted a drinking partner than to actually listen to my problems.
I cant believe i was so stupid, hopefully i will have a logical head soon which wont be constantly be thinking that i am diseased, although doubtful with me, i cant help but always fear the worse, this can be for everything, then i go to my friends so that we can "talk it over" i get very drunk and forget why it was such a big deal, next day, back to feeling the same, this can go on for months with me
I stress about the smallest things and always use the excuse "and people wonder why i drink so much" then i just laugh it off, i am all smiley and laughing on the outside, inside i am always scared and self hating, i try and talk about this but i get shrugged off for talking crap because im drunk
I do think some of friends will have to go temporarily though, someone said on here they seem more to be drinking buddies, i think this will start to show, my 1 friend had been texting me all day as i was upset about the night before, she asked me to go and have a drink with her, this went back and forth of me saying no thanks i want a bath and early night, my last text from her said "oh thanks" then nothing all night, maybe im paranoid but this seems more like she wanted a drinking partner than to actually listen to my problems.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Getagrip
Thank you for replying to me, ur words mean a lot, i cant come clean with my boyfriend. He would leave me for sure. I am really sick of myself, when im not drunk i would not even look at another person but latley when im drunk i seem to go with anyone, this is like the 3rd time this has happened in a month now, my friends think there is something wrong with me and other friends think ive turned into some kind of ****, they are right because i have. I used to be kinda hiv phobic and thought everyone had it so wouldnt touch people with a barge pole, i seem to have got over that fear and gone the other way. The only time i see my friends is twice a week for a drink, none of us can have just 1, we all drink to get drunk, so kinda feel like i cant stop else i would have no social life at all, an tbf its not those nights that get me in trouble, its thr nights that i go away with work, like last night. Congrats on day 4. I think i neec to stop before i ruin my life x
As for your social life, it doesn't sound like this is the kind of social life that you really want. It is just the one you happen to have right now. You really can build a different one. One that is better and filled with mornings that don't include remorse, regret, or detective work to figure out what you did the night before.
If your friends are actually friends (not just drinking buddies) they will support your decision to quit drinking. The ones that don't support you are not your friend. Period. End of Story.
My best friend when I was drinking is still my best friend now. The rest of them were just drinking buddies and I don't miss them one bit. And you know what else? My best friend is incredibly proud of me for quitting drinking even though she was a drinking buddy too. Now if we're at a party and someone happens to offer me a drink within her earshot, she will say "No" on my behalf. LOL. She's the only one that's allowed to do that though. I think it is cute, she is as protective of my sobriety as I am.
The point being, you will cull the heard with your current group of friends and you can make new, sober friends. You have to change your people, places, and things. It really is possible.
Come back here often and do lots of reading. You will find tons of strategies on making the changes you need to make in your life to live a better life than you've ever thought possible.
PS....get tested
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